ObesityHelp

 It's a gorgeous day here in NJ - and oh how grateful I am not to be in the hurricane path.  Can't believe those people are going to be hit again.  I hadn't had the TV on for a few days (now that is such a change from my former life) so I wasn't aware of how bad things had gotten.

My husband and I met with our arbitrator this morning - final meeting - final documents.....have the papers to file......he left first - I had a meltdown in her office- what a wonderful woman.....she was very supportive and encouraging - said she had no doubt I would be fine.   It's very sad - the days ahead are going to be rough I think.   I'm going out a lot - with friends - keeping busy - keeping moving.    I'm eating better - yesterday I struggled a bit - but I had a hard ride this morning to fuel for - and didn't want to 'bonk' and not be able to keep up.......you can't trick your body for very long and I'm finding that I can't just keep pushing without taking care of myself......I'm depleting pretty easily.....so...I'm hoping after  this week - with some of this settled down - I'll be able to as well.   It will be 15 years since I've lived alone and I will cherish it......I know there will be lonely days ahead......but it's been very lonely here with him here - it can't be as hard as that.

Hope everybody is having a wonderful holiday - hard to believe it's the end of summer soon.  

 Feeling very much on a rollercoaster these days.    My husband is finally moving out on Tuesday of next week so I know my life will be calmer after that - no more walking around not talking - that's been going on for about 6 months.  My workouts and cycling are going well - had a few bad days where I didn't fuel well and didn't have much energy - but it's coming around.  I've been going out quite a bit more - both girlfriends and meeting new men.   Most of the men are pretty awful - I have a 'first meeting' on Monday night - very attractive guy - hated him from about the first five minutes - I knew the minute I smelled his cologne it was a no go.....I have to smell somebody to understand the chemistry thing.   I had coffee last night with a fireman  - I was feeling kind of tired and thinking - ok...here we try again - but it was a really nice evening....we talked for about 3 hours - (I ate a small bag of cashews at Starbucks for dinner!) and he was a very nice, very respectful guy - has four sisters - and made me feel very comfortable.  He was also very cute.  There was chemistry there - he smelled good!   Have other 'first coffee' things lined up with other men - over the next week or so - I guess it's good to keep meeting people - some may emerge as friends - cycling buddies etc. and not be a romantic interest but I'm thinking that's ok.   I've been so lonely in this marriage - and it's been unraveling for so long - I don't know that I'm willing to take a year to 'find myself'....I've been doing that work in therapy - have a lot of clarity about what I want for my life - so I"m just going to go for it.  It's nice to have options - to have people I'm attracted to responding to me - it's been a very long time.

 After another day struggling with my feelings and with poor appetite - I had a wonderful evening with Alex - the russian pilot.  He called and invited me out for a drink - we talked for a few hours and then went to his hanger where he showed me his helicopter again....he so loves this amazing machine - he's restored every inch of her and even said - I believe that because I love her so much - she will not hurt me (He had crashed in a plane on Friday night - first crash - not high altitude and he was only banged up and bruised).   This was the plane we were going to fly in on Friday night - but he called me in the late afternoon - said - "Susan - I am in Penn-syl-van-ia with broken plane and stupid guy.  I can't make it back until very late.  Please forgive me."   Apparently the stupid guy was a less experienced pilot and got them into trouble - and they managed to land in a field of highcrop soybean....so the plane was badly damaged but nobody was seriously hurt.  I said - Alex - this was the plane you were going to take me in next??!?! He laughed and said - it was not the planes fault.....and I was not the pilot.   I would not have crashed.

Next flight is in a helicopter...: )    Gotta say it - there is a lot to be said for younger men!

 For my dear friends who reached out to me......it helps to hear that those of you who have known me for the last 19 months know that I'm not a person who would willingly hurt anyone - let alone somebody I care about.   I'm still really struggling with this situation because he won't talk to me - but I have to let him decide and wait......I'm not good at that!

I've been punishing myself on the bike - the last two days I took a hard route - one I really hate - usually ride with my trainer on - has a hard climb - I've hit it twice (circle back to take it again) and that usually kills me - the last two days I've circled back and hit it 6 times until my legs are shot.....guess I'm trying to replace this emotional pain with physical pain - because it's easier to deal with.   I rode in the rain yesterday - didn't want to stop - and I was on my mavics.....(racing tires) so Mike yelled at me when he saw me walk into the gym drenched - asked me which bike I was on and then said - are you nuts! when I told him it was the Orbea.  I like riding in the rain but it would have only compounded everything if I had gone down again.  Today - the ride was cold - really cold - and I was shivering for the first 5 miles.....and freezing afterwards.....fall is coming.....that makes me sad as I love the season but it means giving up the bike.    I guess having the plastic surgery to look forward to is some compensation.   I've followed these rough bike rides by my yoga - it's good my body knows my yoga sequence so well - I don't even have to think about it - it just flows from one pose to the next - and yoga is all about self-love - so I'm trying to find some forgiveness for myself - even if my friend won't forgive me - I'm going to have to do so - and it's not easy.   It's interesting how physical and emotional energy are connected. When I got off the bike today - I felt spent - good spent - but then I thought of something painful I had said - and I was just overcome with tears.....regret is such a terrible thing.  During yoga - same thing - my instructor talks about how some poses are good for releasing stuck energy - and when I'm in them.....the tears just well up.   The studio was empty - so nobody saw me cry - but it was a release......

I had coffee with the handsome russian last night - we were supposed to fly again on Friday - he was in a crash (in the plane we were going to fly in!)  I said - OMG - we were going to be in that plane..and he laughed and said - Susan - it was not the planes fault....and I was not the pilot.....they crashed into a high crop soybean field...so he was beat up a bit with cuts and bruises - but not seriously hurt.  I looked great - had an interview at LOreal for a small project - so was wearing a suit and high heels.....the regulars who are used to seeing me in bike shorts were 'wow!"...but I also looked very tired.  He commented on that (so much for looking hot)...He was very sweet.  He's going to be traveling a lot the next few weeks - UK and then to the Ukraine - so we'll have dinner this week and then it will be a while.

I have a date for a guiness with another local man - online dating thing - he seems nice - I hope I enjoy myself....my heart isn't in it.   I have another date for a bikeride and picnic tomorrow (can you tell I'm trying to stay out of the house until my ex moves out!).   I should be happy about all this attention and I always like meeting new people - guess I will just keep going and see what happens.

 I'm having a very rough couple of days......can't eat.....can't sleep.....I did something to hurt a very nice person and I'm not sure he's going to forgive me.  The old me would be eating everything in sight....now I'm struggling to swallow.  My metabolic doc is going to kill me - I'm dropping weight and even skipped training today because my energy level is so lousy.   Still on the bike though!   Lot of stress with my 'husband' whom I'm separating from.....he's supposed to be out in a few weeks and I'm holding my breath....guess bad days are inevitable......this one sucks.