ObesityHelp

I had my two year surgiversary last week and I've had to think long and hard about what to say.   Start with gratitude......for being alive - for WLS which saved my life......for changes I could not have ever anticipated.     My health is that of a 20 year old - I am fit and skinny and fighting to stay that way.   The nine prescriptions meds - the diabetes - the asthma - the joint pain - the hypertension - the fatty liver syndrome - the staph infections that plagued me month after month - all a distant memory (one I revisit every once in a while to remind myself).....My life is amazing - sometimes very lonely - sometimes very painful - and every minute precious.

My health is restored......and I don't take that for granted.  My marriage ended - and WLS had something to do with it - but certainly didn't cause it.    I've had to struggle in therapy - and on my knees in church - and on the bike clearing my head at dawn - and in the gym - all to deal with the anxiety and sadness and grief and fear of change - I use to medicate - now I sweat and cry and rant......but I don't eat those feelings.......that is a miracle.

I survived the loss of my beloved elderly very infirm mother - and the loss of my estranged only two years older morbidly obese diabetic sister - within two months of each other.   The anniversary of those events is swirling around me.    I still have a lot of grieving to do - but also have gratitude for the lessons learned - my sister's early death is a daily reminder (every time I do cardio and measure my heart rate I think of her (she had  a heart attack and lasted 11 weeks in the hospital awaiting a heart transplant)).....that I have a chance to be healthy and strong......and the that pushes me on the rare occasion I don't feel the motivation to move my body and nurture it.

I've learned that I am a great deal stronger than I ever thought I was.......there are days when I wish I didn't have to learn that.  I've learned that everyday I make a choice - to live for joy - or chose fear - to feed my body - and to nourish my soul - to push my body (I did 110 pushups, 110 rows and 330 squats on a circuit training workout yesterday!!!)....and my mind.  

I've learned that being thin and fit does not solve all my problems.  I struggle with intimacy - left a marriage with a tremendous void - and am now struggling with love for a man who is too far away.    As long as I was fat and sick I could blame the things I was unhappy about on that.......and believe me they were effective distractions from confronting things in my life......I feel as though I am only now really being tested......and I tell myself that one step at a time - one choice at a time is the only way to proceed.    I am grateful.     Every day is a gift and I try to mindful of that above all else.   I could not have gone on this journey without OH - or I should at least say that I know I would not be as intact as I am without the loving support of the people here - the truthtellers - the supportive friends - the people who tell me I'm a bitch (I guess they're truthtellers of a sort!) - I learn from all of them.

Thank you God for saving me.....and let me use each day to it's fullest potential.    Life is precious.       Susan