October 10th.2008I ONLY EAT TO LIVE.............HAVING A SHITTY DAY. GOT TO GO AND DEAL WITH THE BITCHES AT SOCIAL SERVICES. THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. I DREAD THE HELL OUT OF IT. IT IS POURING DOWN RAIN. GLOOMY....NOT IN THE MOOD TO DO SHIT TODAY. SAME OLD SAME OLD. THERE HAS GOT TO BE A CHANGE IN MY LIFE. I CAN'T SIT HERE DAY AFTER DAY WITH NOTHING TO DO. I DON'T HAVE A CAR SO I AM FREAKING STUCK...........

August 6th. 2007...........Had my gbs July 4th. 2005. Been sick the whole time. Throwing up. In and out of the hospital every 2 to 3 months. But I can admit now that it has been my whold fault this whole time..........I am bulimic and anorexic and bipolar. The day I came home from the hospital I wanted to loose weight so bad and so fast. I wouldn't eat. Then when I got so hungry and weak that when I would eat I would go and make myself puke it back up. It started like one time a day. Then the weight started flying off and I got excited. So I started doing it even more. Well I have done this for 2 years now. I have went and got help. I am very,very under weight......I am very,very sick. One time of doing this lead up to several times a day. Now I have done it so long that when I do try to eat my body rejects food. I have to go in and get TPN fluids. I can't now without dumping or getting sick (not making myself do it) Within the last few months I went and got help. I kept telling my doctor that I was anorexic and said he didn't think so. Well they know now that I am.....I told them what I was doing. To me I still see the fat woman. And I am bone thin. If it was not for a little loose skin. I wouldn't have any weight at all. I look like a 7 year old kid. . My 2 kids kept telling me to eat. My son called me rib cage. He said that was all left of me. I had my guard up so much that I didn't believe the doctor when he said I was dying and that I had to eat. . That was when I went to get help. I love my kids more than I love breathing. I would never hurt or yell at them. This wasn't like me at all. I went to see a phych doctor. He put me on xanex and prozac. It has helped so much. I have not made myself throw up in about 2 or 3 months now. I can see where people was trying to tell me things for my own good. I was abused by a family member the whole time I was a kid. When I turned 16 I was raped by the same family member. My mother said it was my fault. For over 30 years I really thought it was my fault. I held in so much......My mother always took up for this person and said if I told she would kick me out of the house. My mom and dad was nothing but drunks when I was growing up. They was never home. And if they was they was so drunk....In a nut shell they didn't care. My mom would get mad and say I wish I never had you. Well hell some time I wish she didn't either. I am 43 years old now and working and dealing with things growing up. Well when I turned 19 I got married. Was so much in (I thought was love) Was happy. Had 2 wonderful kids. Hubbie became a boss man. We had money. I growed up poor as can be......I was the dirty kid with nappy hair that nobody at school would play with. So I never had friends. And how. The more money my hubby made the more he wanted. He got real mean to me and the kids. He stopped coming home until we was asleep. I got up one night and had a strange feeling about him. I rode to his work and he wasn't there. Accross the street at the motel was his truck........I knocked and him and his boss lady came to the door. He yelled at me he loved her and not me. Well I was still a big woman. So I balled up my fist and broke his nose........He was a huge man also. But he called the cops and I went off my marry way to jail..............I got out the next day and we got divorced. Then 2 years later I started daing a wonderful man. He loved the ground I walked on. I am very,very poor at this time. I didn't get anything but the kids out of the divorce..So I started working 2 jobs. Well it was snowing so I didn't get to make it in to work. My phone rang. I had caller ID. I answered it and they hung up on me. Well I tried to call it back......no answer.........I called my kids and ask them did they know who it was. My son has a cell phone so he called it. He called me back and said it was my boyfriend. And acted strange. Well a while later I called the number and a lady answered. I ask for my boyfriend....She said what do you want with him. I sa