Must have been a fluke! Maybe my scale was on a slanted part of the floor I'm still 216 but thats better than 218 or 220 even!

Went to BAF and saw another bandster asking and receivng some support because she is struggling with the band.  I couldn't even continue reading. I am so past begging for help and being supportive right now.  It was my initial reaction and not a Godly reaction but I can keep it real I just wanted to type somthing that expressed me stickin my tongue out and blowing a rasberry! PLGHH!

Okay.  I'm better Woooooosah!

PEACE
Beloved

I have a reliable scale.  A digital scale. I believe it when it says I have not lost a pound in months but check this out.

Thursday morning I weighed in at 216.  Friday morning I weighed in at 214.5!  Same time of day.  Both naked, before I ate and after I used the bathroom!

I gotta see tomorrow morning.  It may be a fluke but weirder things have been known to happen.  You are on a plateau and then the weight just starts moving again.  I won't get my hopes up too high.  Maybe my feet were too far apart this time or something.

It feels good though.

Since I don't blog everyday I can't remember where I left off before so if I tend to repeat myself I apologize in advance. After keeping a food and activity log I realized I just eat too often.  I also find one bad food and get stuck on it.  Have to have a taste at least once a day kinda stuck.  Once I started making an effort to walk more than from one floor to the other but like taking the train and walking the five blocks to work instead of hopping on the free interchange trolley my weight started to move. I lost one pound over the weekend. Not much but after not losing for a month I will take it!

My body has been aching like I been to the gym and I have not. It made me wonder have I really been so dormant.  Aside from a few days I was in the gym almost everyday which usually lasts about a week.  Bally's is so making a good dollar off me. I rarley go.  Anyway this is nothing you guys have never heard before.

I have been going to church. I visited a friends' church and really had a good time and my soul was so grateful that I went home for a while. The pastor spoke to me something fierce and touched a part of my pschy that I had tried so hard to ignore or harden and never visit again.

I think I have finally figured a recipe for me. A little church, a little exercise, a lot of love and patience.  I have made some major moves lately and I know now more than ever that things cannot make you happy neither can being skinny or being in a relationship.  it is truly something found within.

Oh!  yeah I shared with my mother that my ex broke my heart with his "announcement" assuming that she had already heard about it I was justg talking in general...trying to have a mother/daughter talk and she, in a way that only she can do, laughed at me.  Could not stop!  Now I am not trying to get any sympathy so put down your keyboards!  It didn't even make me sad it made me realize that Yes I have alot of growing up to do. My mother stated that the reason that she found it funny was not because I was hurting but because as independant and strong as her daughters are she is so surprised that we allow the men in our lives to hurt our feeling so easily.  NOW I took some points because I did not wallow in it but man it did hurt. That pain was real.  Maybe one day I will be able to laugh instead of crying. 

Life is good and each day offers a renewed opportunity to get ti right!
As long as we are trying we are on the right path...

Much love and many blessings Always

Beloved

Yesterday afternoon I went to the doctors. I called the head nurse at
my surgery center last week and told her "I have failed and I want a
revision".  She said wait a minute. Come to the support group.  Come in to
speak with the dietician. Let's figure out where you are going wrong.
I went and spoke to the dietician. She is at a lost as to why I can't
lose a significant amount of weight. Exercise more is what she said
and keep a diet and exercise log.  I will do this. I explained that no I
don't only eat protein and salad and no I don't go to the gym everyday
but should I have to?  If I was successful at that I would not have had
surgery.
My birthday is 01/16 and I always have alot of anxiety around it. I
feel really uncomfortable having people make a fuss about it and I also
feel all my disappointment in people compounded if they don't attempt to
make a big deal about my birthday.  I shrink under all the attention if
it happens.  I just hate my birthday. It is not a day I look forward
to.
I make it a deadline.  A milestone to measure where I am in this game
called life and I always feel a few steps behind.
I hate my birthday.
I really hate to expose my moments of dissapointment with my
weight-loss because I dont blame the band and may not discourage those pursuing
it but I blame myself.  My dumb ass metabolism.  My inability to commit
to a lifestyle that will promote rapid weight loss.  I watch the Big
Medicines and the Brookhaven Clinics and I know that my weight is no
where near what it could be and no where near debilitating. I feel
fortunate and blessed during the 60 minutes it takes for the show to complete
and then a few days later I am looking at my body and wondering why was
I cursed.
There are family and friends I have yet to share with that I had
surgery to lose weight. Is it ironic that none of those I left in the dark
have noticed any weight loss.  Others that I talked to are always "ohhh
Gurling" that I am slimming down.  I told my mom this past Sunday to
stop pissing on my leg and I meant it. I wish she would just stop.  Its
humiliating.
I have decided to stop seeing the therapist for a while too.  The first
visit with her I cried so hard and I felt lighter afterwards because I
told her things that I don't tell many.  If you gathered all the
important people in my life each person has a piece or two of my puzzle but
no one knows everything.  It was freeing.  The second visit I was fine
and we just talked and I felt like I had to hire a friend I can be so
pathetic. So far her interaction with me is marginal. She is nice but
when she intejects her opinion its alwyas off the wall and makes no sense
to me. She does not know me personally so I guess I can't expect her
to be right on her assumptions or suggestions.
I know that had I gotten the bypass the weight would be gone but I
would more than likely be sooo upset about sagging skin.  So if its not one
thing its another.
Oh yeah to add insult to injury he called he is persistant in wanting
my forgiveness.  He said he lied and he wanted to hurt me and he never
intended to propose to this other woman and that yes he has known her
and they tried to have a closer friendship but it did not work out.  He
loves me, he claims, he wants to try again, he claims. He tells me how I
ruined what we had because I am so sarcastic and yadda yadda and then
he admits he too has things to change.
I honestly am not interested in resurrecting our relationship... for a
number of reasons. Do I love him? Yeah. but the idea that he has been
intimate with someone else is skeeving me out OH even though he claims
to have not even had sex with her (DOUBT IT!)  He keeps harping on how
great our sex life was and I am flattered but a relationship is about
much more than that.
I have seen him twice. We went for drinks and dinner Friday night and I
went over just to chill on Sunday night. Of course both night sex came
up but I had no desire. Aside from the times where he actually put
mouth or hand on me I was as cold as ice.  I didn't even want to kiss him.
My biggest mistake was seeing him on Sunday.
So can you see?  Yet another year. Same dumb ass drama.  No closer to
knowing what the hell I am doing. Just dissapointed.
Sometimes I laugh to keep from crying sometimes I just cry...

I'm catching a cold. Dry cough. Feeling floaty headed (even if these
are not real words).Always cold. Just not feeling normal.  I slept so
good last night though.  It had to have been heaven sent.  Maybe I can
attribute it to seeing the therapist last night.  Like I confessed earlier
I cried.  We discussed my failed relationships. My mental struggles
with losing weight. My feeling about my job vs. my workplace.  It was
nothing I had never discussed with friends before. Not always discusses
with family though.  I don't want my mother to panic thinking I will lose
my job or that some of my past relationships were abusive or that I
let myself be used just for some type of attention in return. I was all
over the place but I did feel better last night.  Sometimes I keep
things to myself because I don't want people to use anything against me
later or don't want to burden others with my issues.  Or just don't feel
the need to open a can of worms when I think talking about it will never
change it.
Here is a person, who if paid, allows me to unload my problems, pet
peves(sp) on them and I don't have to worry about if it stays with her or
not.  I think this is going to be okay.  When I think about it this way
I could feel a little guilty but I won't.
So far she has not proved herself yet to give great advice. My only
concern is that holy moley we are gonna spend weeks upon weeks just trying
to get all of my past and truths out.  An hour is not a long time.  I
wonder what we will talk about next time.
It started out with her asking what was going on with me.  I told her
that its typical that the day you see the doc you never have felt
better. So it did take a while to get it going.  They keep looking me in the
eyes!  I am a master "look you in the eyer" lol but for an entire hour?
I kept looking away.
This will be something huh?  But so far so good if you can call crying
good....I'm okay though.  I honestly feel like things will get better.
My motto for 2008 is "2008 - Live, Love, Forgive, Progress, EVOLVE!
Peace.
Beloved

Last night I went to the Cheesecake Factory for the first time.  A new
one opened close to me.  I had no desire to eat the cheesecake and I
like cheesecake.  The whole time waiting for a seat and then my meal I
was worried about how my food will go down and eating too much.  I could
not resist the before-your-meal bread but I ate very little and very
slow.  My water remained untouched. I had Calamari (didn't like it here)
and even though I could have eaten more I stopped to save some room for
my entree.  I had ordered garlick noodles with shrimp.  It was the
only thing that I could kinda guess the flavor and would like. But while I
waited for it to arrive I knew that pasta, spaghetti specifically,
would be a bear to eat comfortably.  I knew better I really did. I could
have had pasta but thick-azz spaghetti!  Ugh! I also know that Shrimp,
as high in protein as they are, are something I can only have a few
before I am done.  No matter how much you chew it never breaks down to
liquid so I was hesitant about that too.  I am so not ready to eat out.
To make a long story short I ate very little and very slowly thinking
the whole time I might regret my choice.  It was late too.  We were
seated at 9:00.  I was home and in the bed by 10:45 and still full.  I
chose to sleep sitting up.  At least that is how I started out.  I woke up
in a panic at 4 a.m. because I was laying flat and feeling slight
discomfort in my chest.
I always wondered how heartburn could be a result of being too tight.
But I get how indigestion can be.  When I was pregnant with my daughter
indigestion was my only vice.  I could not eat two saltines and lay
down becuase I would be vexed with terrible chest and back pains that
were only alleviated after forcing myself to vomit until my stomach was
empty.  This continued for a year or two after she was born so I knew
what I was feeling this morning.
Just a little discomfort not full fledged pain.  I swore off pasta
right then.  And maybe even shrimp.  MAYBE LOL!  I burped a few times and
cursed the fact that I might have to call for an unfill.  I pictured the
pasta and shrimp just sitting at the band never going through.  I
don't know why the calamari and bread are not there too but all I see is
spa-freakin-ghetti and SHRIMP!  AHHHHHH!
So its 10:10 and I have had water and hot tea with lemon.  I wanted
some cream of wheat for b-fast but decided to stick to liquids before I
put more food down there to further complicate things even though I don't
have any discomfort.  I'm wondering if it all went through.  I'm
wondering why did I go back for another fill (GREEDY).  I wonder if I will
have to go to the doc on monday for an unfill.  I wonder what the
weekend holds.  Is it possible for the food to just sit there for days?
This damn band.  I tell you one thing.  I will not accept having any
pain.  I will find myself back at the doc ASAP.  But I will,
unfortunately and stubbornly deal with a little discomfort until I see if this too
shall pass.
Peace.
Beloved

I broke some Cardinal rules at the therapist yesterday for starters it
was not a "session" it was an initial intake interview.  The little old
white man asked me multiple questions.  For some reason I could not
look at him while I spoke.  Maybe because he was not looking at me.  I
found myself glancing above his right sholder focusing on the sea shells
on his window sill.  I caught him out of the corner of my eye looking
behind him trying to see what I was focusing on.
He asked me when my depression began, how old I am, who I live with.
Some more personal questions I can't believe I answered truthfully!
Well I thought we were gettin ready to get to the nitty gritty.  Needless
to say he told me who my psychologist would be and that she would call
me to offer an appointment date.  HUH!  That's it?  I told him I
thought we would begin talking today!  He said I have alot of information
about you already.  I have some time is there anything else you'd like me
to know?
HELL YEAH!  I pulled out my list ya'll! LOL  And I must admit that I
skimmed over it because with someone looking right in my face waiting to
hear me I was a little embarassed that I had a list of issues and it
was so formal.
My first admission: I am lonely.  And the tears just flooded my eyes.
I was so embarrased.  His expression never changed.  I was so shocked
that simply saying to a little white man that I get sooo lonely made me
cry!  I had on mascara too! good kind though so no running! LOL
I told him I have serious issues with trust.  I have had love interests
of mine end on a tragic note and even years later It hurts me deep.
More tears!  Can ya'll believe it?  I have gotten so weak its sickening.
I use to be a rock!  You would NEVER see me cry.
He explained how everything I say is confidential.  Asked me to fill
out some forms and took my co-pay with a promise of a call from my
assigned therapist.
Oh well..... The office left much to be desired.  It looked nothing
like on the Sopranos.  I did not expect it to be that nice but I did not
expect to leave the office into a crowded waiting room with patients
waiting their turn and me with tissue in hand having to immediately MAN
UP!
There was a young black married Muslim couple going in after me and I
wondered why they could possible be here and a middle aged black woman
who seemed very friendly.
Man nothing like the Sopranos.
I kicked myself.  I felt like I was raped ya'll like I layed down on
the bed covered in baby oil and rose petals and he came to the bed with
his work clothes on and just took it without kissing me.
I am still angry that allllll these years I was dead set agianst
talking to anyone much less a therapist and here in 20 minutes I told some of
my most deepest secrets to someone who really didn't even ask me!
Worse even he wrote it down!  In a file!  ALL MY BUSINESS IS JUST FOREVER
OUT THERE!
I am soooooo dissapointed.  Not because I did not plan on talking I
just thought it would take more time to crack me and I cracked my damn
self UGH!
Now to fill #7
Went for fill #7 had to fast all day before of course.  I had the
therapist appt then went to see the GYN.  (I'm so tired of being dug out!
It really sucks being female sometimes.) and I missed my appt with the
surgeon and nutritionist because the lapband appointment ran over and I
figured fill over talking anyday.
My surgeon ended up giving me the fill.  He was not pleased that I had
restriction but wanted more.  he gave it to me anyway and stressed upon
stressed including a look at all my upper GI films showing just how
tight I am and told me to come back in case of any pain, heartburn etc.
He said if I overeat I am at great risk for dilation of my esophogus.
I have been really afraid to eat since. I am a drinking sipping behind.
I am so freaked that I will mess this up and have to be unfilled I
will schedule an unfill once I drop 20lbs which should not be hard since
I am scared to get down and eat like I use to.  I did lose 5 lbs since
last fill 10/16. I am so happy to be out of the 220's.  I am 219!
20lbs and I am under 200lbs.  I need this for the new year.  I needed the
fear too....I did not take the warning with a grain of salt. I saw and
understand that any more fill and my stoma will be closed.  Now its up
to me to do the right thing and bring her on down!
Forgive me if the formatting is not good I wrote this in textpad and
saved it so I could import it at home.
Peace and many blessing.
Beloved

Today I awoke feeling lighter.  Just my over all mass felt lighter.  I hopped on the scale nope...still 222 but it feels different.  I got the thinking while I looked the mirror after my shower if I am going to be one of those people that regardless how much I lose I will still have a poofy stomach.  Yeah Poofy not fat LOL!

Up until now I have always gauged my success on my belly and I use to think it had not changed at all.  

I had to pull out my winter coat the other day and its not too small but it fits with room.  I remember last winter not liking to zip it up because i felt stuffed in it and the next size swam on me.  Well now it fits right so I guess something is happening.

While on that natural high the other day night fell and I could not wind down enough to get some sleep so I took a muscle relaxer.  These were prescribed for my back but never take the pain away just lets me sleep and forget I am confined to my bed for days at a time.

Its been a while since I took one and I always knew a whole one knocks me out.  Well taking one on Wednesday night had me dipping at my desk all day Thursday (miserable) and sleep last night at 8:30.  They are on strict reserve!  I am still tired!  My body holds onto all the bad things!

I am determined to flush my system.  Water water water.

Peace.
Beloved
Oh!  I called the therapists office to give them my insurance numbers which I did not have when I made my appointment.  So as of 10 days pre-appointment I am still intent on going! Okay....breathe. LOL!