Tomorrow I will be 15weeks out.  I'm down 59lbs, 234lbs down to 175lbs. A size 20/22 now a 14. 

I haven't always been a "big" girl.  When I met my hubby over 11yrs. ago I think I weighed about 150.  Of course I always thought I was "chubby". I inherited a round face, chubby cheeks and a short neck from my fathers side.  I've seen some thin girls on that side of the family, but very few, all still have the roundness and chubbier cheeks.  So I think that was part of the reason why I always thought I was "fat".  When you look in the mirror at your face and you see it not as slim as others, you can develope that complex. 

Anyhoo, I wasn't a shy girl. I dated alot, had lots of fun. I got the guys, very good looking ones too.  I met my hubby got married and started making babies.

Well with age, babies and genes, I plumped up through out the years never ever going down, but always progressively going up, up and up.  Along with weight going up, there are sometimes stuff that goes down. The biggest thing was my SELFESTEEM.  Wow that had gone to poo.  I got into a funk where I hated to go out. All my girlfriends have about 3 kids like me, but all have been able to stay smaller than me. All could shop in "regular" stores, but me.  So going out, with them, just made me feel like a fat frump.  So I just didn't.  Finding clothes, and outfit was a crying horrible feeling, so I had rather just not go.  I would get into my funks and not do my hair and just throw it up in a clip. Not put make up on, and all that. 

Well now that I've lost weight, It seems I'm gaining some of the self esteem that I had lost. 

This weekend the town I live in holds a biker rally down it's main streets that last the full weekend.  My parents are riders, along with most of my family. But, my husband doesn't ride. Anyhoo, my Father throws a big tado at his casa every year. They do a Poker Run where 50-80 bikes join. Meet at his house and leave around 11am then return about 3:30pm. There is a band, food, drinks and this year he even had a tattoo artist.  Well I am usually not really thought about, I feel, when it comes to these "biker" events.  I'm usually the baby sitter or I feel people just assume I won't come so really don't extend a "real" invite. Well I could maybe just be making this up in my head, I dunno.

This year, the day before I get a phonecall from my mother. She says "hey are you and David coming tomorrow?" Kinda caught me by surprise that she was actually asking me. I said "well we are going out, I still gotta work out the sitter, but we can come by" She said, "ya come and wear something sexy" I said 'huh?, sexy? why?" She said "well you know how the girls dress"  Ok, so the women, who are older than me, do the dressy biker attire. Which I like to call, dressing too young for their age and more trashy than classy. HAHAHA. 

Now, I think my mom wanted me there to show me off. Lately my Dad and Mom totally shower me with complements. I mean I know they love me, but my Mom is really taking it up to others. 

So I go, I wear a TUBE TOP! YES a black tube top, geesh I never thought I'd wear one. Anyhoo, it was black, had a skull in the center of my boobage, with sings and said Rock N Roll with some sz. 14 dark jeans and black sandal strappy wedges.  I did my make up all up and my hair. Even my two year old daughter followed me around the house saying "you eye, you eye" She had never seen me with a full mask on I guess. When I closed them and bent over to ask if she liked my eyes, she didn't say anything but gave this odd luck like she didn't hahaha.

So I get to my mom's and it was so weird, I walk in, tons of people I hadn't seen since before surgery and my mom like announces me.  I was totally not fishing for complements, but everyone gave great ones.  Everyone wanted pictures, said there was no way they would recognize me on the streets, etc. 

Now this being nice and all, it felt kinda bittersweet. No one ever gave me that attention when I was a biggin.  I mean, how shallow is that. Now was it my self esteem that kept me feeling like that, maybe. But I just know my snotty brother, well his friends were totally complementing me. Saying how lucky my husband was and how he must be totally excited and making comments about our sex life blah blah. 

Later than night a few friends and us went to town to a bar/club.  I couldn't believe it. I had 4 guys grab my arm, try to talk to me!

A friend of mine I havne't seen since HS met up w/me that day. We had been talking on the phone and she finally came to meet me. She was big all Jr. High and HS and is now small.  We talked about this and she said "Ivrie I was big most of my life, sucks huh how people totally over look you till you get thin"  I said "YES" Sucks, people/guys give you no attention when your fat and frumpy.  Then you get thin and trendy and then they are like flies on sh*t.  At the same time its fun and excitng, you get a little pissed about it. 

That is when I looked over at my husband and said to my friend. He's been with me when I was thin, fattened up and now getting thin, he loved me the whole time. 

I could go on and on, but it's harder to type it all then say it in person. 

I have to say I am thankful that I can see both side of the "weight" issues. I can realate now to both sides. How unfair it can be.