I feel like I am my own worst enemy, and don’t truly have a soul to talk to about it. My hopes of losing weight seem to be as far reached as my happiness, and yet apart of be obsess over the surgery as if its going to make me into this fairly tale image of the woman I want to be. Ever since I was young, I dreamed of walking into the room, with a slender body, looking beautiful, all eyes are on me, and men gawk over my new appearance. It sounds silly, outdated, and foolish for someone as young as  I to think such things do, but I do. I never had any guy ever tell me that he likes me, never had any friends so maybe this is an extension of my loneliness. I feel trapped inside this body, and I can’t leave it. I want to diet and exercise but my motivation seems to be there and be lost. I have no one close to me in this city, no one that can work with me personally and be there when I need it. I wish I looked like the women I see on television or at least those who I see on campus. I am not strong enough to fight this, while I haven’t been a religious person, I could really use a one on one conversation with God right now. That’s if he is even real and cares.

I am depressed to the point where I am thinking about suicidal thoughts, being this heavy is driving me crazy, I obsess over having the surgery and piss because right now I can’t afford it. A big part of me wants to drop out of college and get a job so that I can pay for the insurance. I would rather be thin, and happy that fat and with a college degree. I feel as though I have run out of options, my family is no help either financially or emotionally, they don’t care about me, or how I feel. They think that diet, exercise is the key to everything, and while it will help I am pass the point where it is the only thing that can help. I am loss and don’t know what to do anyone, my life is going down hill and I am only 22.