ObesityHelp

This occurred to me after my consultation appointment, and then became solidified for me while in the shower this morning. 

Throughout my entire adult life, my stomach has covered my pubic area, first with a large layer of fat, to the tune of 320 pounds, and then with the pannus resulting from gastric bypass surgery and a 130 pound weight loss.  I do not think this is accidental.  I am an incest survivor and victim of childhood sexual abuse.

A couple of years before my gastric bypass surgery, I was in a 12-step program working on recovery from food addiction.  I was doing a lot of emotional and spiritual work, and getting a lot of healing during that time.  It was then that I confronted my father about sexual abuse and received an apology from him.  One time during an intense meditation, I thought I heard from God.  He said, “You will have a body that matches your witness.”  And I remember thinking, “Yeah, right.  How are You going to pull that off?”  It was a complete surprise to me when I was led in the direction of gastric bypass surgery, which up until that time I had never even considered.

Indeed, my weight loss has led me to a body much more in line with how I feel now.  I have freedom like never before.  Not only was I relieved of many medical problems, such as diabetes, GERD, sleep apnea and heel spurs, but I am able to experience intense joy in life that I was previously missing.  I can walk for miles without pain or shortness of breath, where before, putting on my socks raised my heart rate and made me break a sweat.  One of the greatest gifts of this surgery was the confidence which gave me the ability to finally end my 23 year marriage to an abusive, active addict.  I love to share my journey with others in the hopes of helping them in some way.

For a while, I was just busy enjoying my new life.  I turned my back on spiritual things for a time.  My detour into alcoholism and some weight re-gain forced me to return to the 12-step way of life, which is where I have been living for the past year and a half.  It is wonderful here, with even more emotional healing having taken place.  I came to understand that my past life experiences had left me with an intimacy disorder.  And while I am in a relationship now with an amazing, gentle and generous man, I was still holding back and keeping walls up all around me.  It was during an OA (Overeaters Anonymous) retreat this past fall that I was given another revelation.  My fat had served a purpose.  It was a form of protection for me.  It provided a buffer between people and me. 

The 6^th Step of the 12-step programs is, “We became entirely ready to have God to remove all these defects of character.”  Clearly, a pannus is not a defect of character.  But, at least for me, it is a physical manifestation of that part of my psyche which was broken for a very long time.  I am entirely ready to have it removed.  Up until a few weeks ago, I never even imagined the possibility of life without that layer of armor. 

Could this “cosmetic” procedure of a tummy tuck be so much more?  I believe it is.  I’ve referred to it as “reconstructive” surgery.  Now, I think of it as “restorative” surgery.  Medically necessary?  I suppose not.  But a big part of my emotional, spiritual and physical healing?  As of today, I believe it is. 

I am putting the whole thing in God’s hands.  I have to seek insurance coverage, as I believe the cost is prohibitive for me to pay out-of-pocket at this time.  I am following my heart on this now, and seeking God’s will in this process.

As for the brachioplasty -- pure vanity.  LOL.  No one’s perfect!  Thanks for letting me share.

It is hard for me to believe it has been 4 years since my surgery.  So much has changed.  4 years ago I was married to an abusive, drug-addicted husband.  I was overwhelmed by life.  I weighed 320 pounds, wore size 4X/28, and could not walk up a flight of steps without gasping for breath.  I was being treated for diabetes, high blood pressure, GERD, high cholesterol and depression.  I was a woman of faith, but had no real hopes, dreams or aspirations for the future.

It was my faith and a program of recovery (Celebrate Recovery) which led me to the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. 

Within the first year following surgery, I had lost 155 pounds.  I went from a size 28 pants to a size 14; 3x tops to mediums.  I could walk for miles without becoming breathless.  The only pills I took were supplements.  I reached all my goals -- sitting in a bathtub; riding the carousel; wearing heels; etc.  I asked my husband for a divorce, sold our house, and fell in love with an amazing, generous, kind, loving man.

Unfortunately, with the good also came certain trials.  While I had planned to help others who struggled with food addiction, instead I became proud and vain.  I stopped going to Celebrate Recovery meetings, Barix support groups, and even church.  I wanted to live life to the fullest -- or what I perceived to be the fullest, making up for lost time, as it were.  I got blindsided by alcohol along the way, developing alcoholism about a year and a half after my surgery.  That took me down hard and fast.  It took 2 years for me to get 90 days sober.

Today, while I did have some regain, I have maintained a 135 pound weight loss.  I now attend weekly OA meetings and AA meetings.  I sponsor others who are struggling both with food addiction and alcoholism.  I have 85 days of food abstinence today, and will have a year sober on Thursday.  I have learned the importance of recognizing and dealing with my emotions as they come up.  I continue to develop a relationship with my Higher Power and to maintain my recovery using the 12-Steps. 

The most important thing I can convey to people is that God met me exactly where I was, but He sure didn’t leave me there.  Even through all the difficulties, trials and struggles, I have received immeasurable gifts of recovery and healing.  I have been given the ability to have hopes and dreams again.  I, along with all of you, have become uniquely useful to those who struggle with obesity and food addiction.

So, tomorrow I'll join the losers on the bench.  But for today, I am really concentrating on what it is like to be a fat person, so I will never forget where I've come from and will never lose compassion for those still struggling.

As I walked up the steps today to work, I was out of breath.
When I saw my reflection in the elevator doors, I wanted to turn away,
but I didn't.  I saw what I really look like today.  All the lumps and bumps and 
largeness.  That's me in my green size 4X pants and bright green 3X top.
And there's a little stain on my top from where food has dropped in the past.  
I can never seem to eat without getting something on me!  

I am only having clear liquids today, and I think that's just fine.
Crystal Lite, broth, jello and decaf tea have sustained me through the morning.
At lunch time I walk 2 blocks to a mall, in order to get books for my hospital stay.
I notice other people's butts.  Some small, some larger, but I don't think I saw any as large as mine
At the mall, there is a food court, and a coffee shop, and a popcorn store, and a Godiva chocolatier.
I smell everything.  I want everything.  My addiction is kicking in, and I know I cannot give in.
I feel empowered, tossed with afraid and just a little sad.

On the way back to the office, I notice my knees burn, my back hurts, my hips ache.
I'm out of breath again, and sweating profusely.  I avoid the sidewalk grate. 
I don't want to fall through!
There's that stupid elevator door again with my reflection in it.  
I'm back at my desk, drinking my Crystal Lite.  Relieved to be off my feet.

I no longer have to sit to put on my undies and pants.

I no longer conserve all my steps during the day. I'll walk down the hall every time I have a copy or delivery to make, rather than saving it up for one time in order to save my energy.

It's my first week back to work, and Friday's are dress down days. I got a pair of jeans from a friend and I'm wearing them. They are a size 20. 7 weeks ago when I started this journey, my size 26 jeans were tight. These 20's are a bit tight, but they're over my butt and that's good enough for me! AND my plain grey shirt is an extra-large rather than the 3XL that I would have had on when I left work 7 weeks ago for surgery

I've had a few really good days in a row here. I started back to work on Monday. I'm getting so many compliments on my new look. Not only have I lost 37 pounds, but I started wearing makeup, and my wardrobe has been tweaked thanks to some generous clothing donations. Of course I also think it helped to have 6 weeks of de-stressing and some time in the sun.

The train stairs: These dreaded steps. Every time I approached them, I would cringe because about half-way up I'd want to die. Sometimes I had to stop then and rest before climbing the rest of the way up. ALWAYS I had to stop at the top and rest for a couple of minutes before I could continue my walk home. So, Monday I approached them in the same way, with dread-filled anticipation. I got half-way and I was fine. Mark was waiting for me at the top. I said, "Now comes the real test." I got to the top, did NOT have to rest, continued walking AND talking!!!!! Mark was impressed. But don't you know that I didn't trust that. Yesterday I again approached the stairs with dread, thinking Monday was just a lucky fluke. This time Sheila was waiting at the top as I climbed the steps and started walking and talking. She interrupted me to point out that I didn't need to rest at all, and she did a pretty good imitation of what I USED to look like when I got to the top of the steps. LOL.

After having a conversation with my Celebrate Recovery sponsor, I had a long talk with Mark about how the only thing that will save our marriage is if he can put CONSISTENT energy into the relationship. He's been great the past couple of days, but we'll have to wait and see how long that lasts. Mark took me out to dinner last night. We went to a diner, and I slid into the booth without any trouble, and was able to sit there comfortably. I ordered onion soup and a salad. I was only able to eat about 1/2 the soup, including 1/2 the cheese, and about 4 bites of the salad. I took my time, and so was finished with that amount when Mark was done with his entire steak dinner that included several sides and an appetizer. I was THRILLED with being able to eat such a small amount and still feel satisfied. In fact, I felt a little full after that.

To work it off, I went to the gym (with my daughters) where we worked out for 30 minutes (like Curves). Then this morning I was up at 5:30 to walk my mile. I feel fantastic!!!