Well here we are, hours before surgery.  I have been so busy this weekend and I am actually grateful for that because I wasn't able to focus on all of the what if's.

Friday day was extremely busy at work trying to get prepared for being gone for a week and let me just say again I can't believe the support that I received and the well wishes from my co-workers (90% male) I work as a project manager at a construction firm and am the only female project manager so have definitely adopted these guys as uncles, dad's, brothers, grandpa's etc. and it seems as though they have adopted me too and it feels good!  I can't wait to me a more active, and production project manager and climb roofs way more easily then I have been. 

Friday night my dad received his 31 one year pin for AA.  We always go to his pin nights to support him and I am ever so proud of him.  Although I wasn't born yet (I'm almost 29) when he was drinking, I realize that our lives were spared extreme heartache by him getting sober and our family would be were it is today if he's kept drinking.  So it is wonderful to see him keep going.

Saturday - ALL DAY I spent with my sister.  My other sister and my mom and I planned a baby shower and hosted yesterday so the day was busy preparing, hosting and cleaning up.  There were over 85 people there most of them family (12 kids on my mom's side) so needless to say we were kept on our toes.

Sunday - I got up and went to church and I am so glad I did.  I was definitely "Fed" as I like to call it and it felt as though the pastor was speaking directly to me.  He told a story about pumpkin in a patch and how the farmer came to tell them that they were going to be jack-o-lanterns in a few days.  Well the pumpkins were really scared because all they had known was the comfort of where they had been their whole lives (safe in the patch) - so they weren't too sure about this whole jack-o-lantern idea.  Then one pumpkin spoke up and said well guys, why would we want to stay here if we have the chance to shine and show our beauty even if it was for only one night.  That hit a nerve with his friends and so they agreed that shining even if it was only for one night to show their beauty would be worth it to leave the comforts of the only place they'd ever know.

Tomorrow people is the start of my shining.  I am leaving the comfort of Obesity.  Yes it's a comfort to hide my emotions and true feelings behind this large body of mine and I'm leaving it and I will fight every day to keep shining.  There will be times when I fall off the wagon but I am determined this time to get back on and keep shining.

I have spent the day cleaning my house and it is spic and span so that I can recover and enjoy the comforts of home and a clean house with good energy in it.

Tomorrow is the day, the start of my new life, my time to shine.  Look out world - here I come! 

This day has FLOWN by!  Holy buckets - so here I am again.

The diet is fine - I'm doing mostly atkin's shake with a scoop of my women's whey protein powder 22g pro per scoop.  They seem to fill me up good an proper and I can go every four hours then with that.

I called my scheduling nurse who makes sure I am good to go pre-op.  She said she had just sent everything over to the hospital about 1/2 hour prior to my call and that I had everything I needed and was good to go.  I felt great and was super excited and expressed that.
Then my surgeon called and checked in on me and freaked me out a bit.  He was looking at my old charts and my weight and said I sure hope you are following the liquid diet or I might have to go to an open surgery!  I was like WHAT!  I told him I have lost 18 lbs since my pre-op class and that was March 16.  That's 18lbs in 18 days - and he was still questioning well since your waist size is so big I sure hope you've shrunk your liver.  

Wait a second hold the train here - I saw you in December you told me I had to lose 10lbs and you even put that in writing!  That was December 23rd.  Then I had the pre-op class March 5th.  I got weighed and had gained 3lbs in the last 2 months.  So with that weight and the look I got from the nurse I decided to start my liquid diet early instead of doing the 14 day as you recommended sweetheart I am doing the 21 day.  Then have the balls to say it might not be enough?  COME ON!  You could have told me to lose 20 and I would have done everything in my power to lose 40 just to say I did it!

So that put me on edge.  

So then at 3:30 today I was reading someone Else's post and about an EKG - I don't think my hospital is as organized as they could be with the pre-op requirements.  I have four pieces of paper and one has some stuff for pre-op as do the others.  So when I went in for my pre-op physical to my PCP Abbott had sent everything already to her - on her paper work it didn't say to do and EKG and when I showed her my paper work she said yup I have all that.  So we didn't really look hard at mine - so I just realized this 3.5 days away from my surgery and I called the nurse coordinator and L/M for her to call me back as I was freaking out a bit about the surgery being canceled.  One thing that they could do would be to put it all on one page to make absolutely sure it's spelled out clearly - the request from my surgeon was hand written in black in towards the bottom of the page off to the side.  Grrrrr.  I just felt so damn prepared and I just HOPE that it will all be okay.

Anyway - that's where I am at today with everything!

Phew - I just got off the phone with the head of the bariatric office and she stated that I HAVE to have it because the surgeon requested it!  So THANK THE GOOD LORD it was before 5pm and I called my PCP and they are getting me in right away tomorrow morning at 8am and then going to fax over the info right away to the hospital.  So crisis adverted there.

Also the head said that less that 1% of the surgeries throughout the program turn into open and to not worry so much about it because I'm not going to know what's happening until it's done anyway and I won't have any say what happens during it so to not worry.  She's right too - I'm not going to worry about it.

I was so calm before today and it just feels like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything done here.  I will need to do some relaxing tonight and deep breathing to make sure that EKG is CALM CALM CALM!

I have no clue what has gotten in to me but I am a ball of energy this AM.  Well actually I do but probably shouldn't share the personal information as it is TMI! But I feel GREAT today!

My husband although uneducated about the surgery (His choice) and not 100% supportive because of his lack of knowledge put his hands all over my body and noticed the subtle changes that (15lbs) difference can make.  I love it! Because of these changes I am empowered to keep going!  I bowl and on the way to bowling last night my Mom asked me about the surgery and what I thought - my response was "I'm so F-ing excited, I can't wait".  She laughed as she said she wasn't expecting that answer!

Anyway - I am excited and pumped up!  I'm excited to stop living the way I've been living for the past 5 years and start really enjoying life again.  I have so many goals that I want to accomplish and I'm just rip, rearing, ready to go!  I saw another blog post about grieving.  Grieving about the "loss" of our old lives, our old friend "food". 

Grieving OUT LOUD is one of the best therapies someone could ever do - and I've only done it three times in my life and it felt so good.  Once was when a little boy that was severely handicap died in our town - he was 12. His life was a lesson and I believe he was brought to this earth to teach us all about compassion, love and loss.  I got in my truck after the wake and I whaled, I mean I cried OUT LOUD so hard I thought people would hear me from inside my truck.  I did this for about 5 minutes and then I was done.  I was just done and was able to let go of the sadness and think about the good things this little boy brought to his family, friends and our town. 

The other time was last may.   I had I think one of the worst/best days of my life. (I didn't think it was the best at the time but) My grandmother had gone to Heaven a few days prior at the ripe old age of 93.  It was her time and it was beautiful that she could go and meet her maker.  I never even cried that she was gone because I was so darn excited for her to see my grandpa again and dance "The Blue Skirt" waltz up in Heaven.  So it was the day of her celebration and I decided to go into work for a 1/2 day.  Well I had one of the worst days of my life at work and it was only 4 hours long.  My direct boss (Him and I have a like/HATE) relationship accused me of sabotaging his son's project that we were working on.  He judge my character and put me down.  Well needless to say I was riled up and PO'ed!  So I decided to take the long way home and I have plenty of time to get ready for the funeral etc.  So I'm driving along and I'm coming up to a farm where just a few months prior a woman age 38 died while she was feeding calves from a brain aneurysm and her husband and four young daughters found her when she didn't come back in the house.  So my thoughts were wandering to her family and just as my thoughts wandered to the family their beautiful golden retriever dog ran out on the road from the ditch and SMACK!  I hit the dog.  I've never hit a dog before in my life!  So I start bawling and I drive in their long driveway and go up to the door and the oldest daughter comes to the door (Age 14) and I asked if there was an adult home and she said she was the oldest home and sobbing uncontrollably I told her I hit her dog and thoughts of her dog and her mom and racing through my head that here I am adding more pain and heartache to this family and she was consoling me - she told me the dog always does that and it was just my unlucky day and was so sorry that I had to be the one.  So I stumble back to my truck get drive to the end of the driveway and sit there for about 10 minutes just WHALING - I mean, I almost hyperventilated I cried so hard.  I cried for my Grandma, I cried for me, I cried for this family and their mom and their dog and I cried for me some more.  Took me about 10 minutes to gather my composure and be able to drive but after I was done I was done plain and simple.  That day I can look back on as one of the worst days of my life because of everything that happened, yet the best day because I learned to grieve that day.  Even though I have cried before I grieved for me and everything I had gone through and was going through.  What a wonderful day!  My sister picked me up to go to the funeral and I was telling her my story of the days events and she had to pull over because she was laughing so hard.  Now at first we I didn't see the funny in this story but she just couldn't believe all of the events of the day and it hit a funny bone in her and then in me too and we got to laughing so hard on the shoulder of the road we had to pull over.  We were both in tears and the harder she laughed the harder I laughed.  

The third time was in January of this past year.  Hubby and I weren't doing 100% so I was sitting at home sulking and watching the movie "The Note Book" - NEVER EVER watch that movie when you are already sad!  I've seen it before 3-4 times and just love it so watched it again.  Well at the end of the show I blew the roof off of my house with my whales.  It was just me all by myself and I let'er rip and MAN did it feel good.

The moral of the story for me and for me to share here people is this - instead of living in a sad, discouraged state - LET IT OUT!  Let it go!  It's taken me a long time to learn to do this and I still faulter some times on this however, I used to this crying was a sign of weakness and it was a game to me to see if I could not cry at something that was sad.  I'd walk into a wake or funeral and say to myself alright Sally you can do this DON'T CRY!  Well screw that man!  Crying is GREAT!  It makes you feel better and is an empowering act to show emotion and so the strength to know it's okay to do it.

We need to let the pent up, bottled up feelings of our past out.  Let them out for God to hear.  Scream, holler, cry, whale and get pissed off once about it and let it go. 

I can guarantee you will feel renewed and feel relieved and light - and ready to face the world and your new endeavors!

Alright I know it was long but it felt good to write this!  Make it a great day today, all is good!
Sal

Yesterday was a good day!  I ate at 4 hour intervals and drank almost 200oz of liquid.  I just kept drinking all day and eating at the 4 hour intervals definitely helped curb the hunger.

This morning I had my pre-op physical.  Down 15lbs in 16 days.  Yippee - I've met and surpassed the doc's requirements (Now I know this isn't as good as Juice ;) however he's a guy and that's just the way it is!)  But seemed to me that all was well and in order. 

I did have a bit of a headache last night and got a little acidy tummy about 8pm but work up feeling refreshed and renewed. Besides the doc appointment I've spent the remainder of the morning getting my paperwork in order.  Filing my mileage, and doc bills for tax purposes as well as keep track of how much this process costs.  I have also spent some time telling my co-workers each on a very personal level about my upcoming surgery.  Chad, the VP of the company and someone who has been my biggest cheer leader in my career as a construction project manager was WONDERFUL!  He was confused as asked why I needed surgery?  He thought that only bigger people had the option to have the surgery.  A - that was a huge compliment because he doesn't view me as a large person he just views me as a person and how wonderful to know that.  I actually wasn't afraid to tell him my weight and he couldn't believe that just a month ago I was 9lbs away from 300lbs.  I do carry my weight well (I think) anyway.  I mean I'm built and am very strong - I'm built like my uncles.  So I believe that my muscle makeup does attribute to my weight and that even if I'm 190 I will look great because of the muscle.

Anyway - I did great yesterday, doing great today and am looking forward to this surgery more and more.  No fears as of today just being very well organized and by being that I believe will help me feel prepared and ready!

Even though it is a bit gloomy outside today I feel good!  The scale didn't move much this weekend as I think I was off my routine and also not taking in the amount of liquids I usually do during the week.  I'm usually taking in 132 - 160 ounces of water a day.  These do not include milk, coffee, jello etc.  So I'm definitely good on the water intake as of right now.

I find that I get hungry about every two hours (If I'm not drinking my water) and every four hours if I am drinking my water.  So another reason to get in the liquids.  Today being the first of the week and the day to get back in my routine I had an Atkin's shake on the way to work - 7am and about 9am the hunger pangs began.  It was 9:30 before I was like Sally - duh go drink some water.  So I just did my 32oz water bottle and feel I will be able to make it now till 11am.

I'm SOOOO looking forward to the day after surgery - because it will just be a relief to have that big step done and move on to what I've been preparing for.  I'm so excited and I just know that this will change my life is so many ways.

I've also come to terms with the hubby situation.  He is 6'4 and has never had a problem with weight at all so how can he understand what I think or feel or what I am going through.  I think I was pushing way to hard to have him be my biggest supporter.  I have a family and group of friends that are so supportive and just a routing for me all the way.  I am content to have these people in my life.  Hubby does support the surgery but feels my weight is "all in my head".  So I know he doesn't understand and I'm not going to force his understanding at all and this realization for me has been a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.