My journal on June 22, 2009 7:28 pm
(Tuesday June 23rd 2009)
Tomorrow I have my 3 month follow up at Abbott. Tomorrow I will wake up in my parents home after a restful nights sleep in my old bed. Tomorrow I will be 63lbs lighter that I was four months ago. How did I get to this place. This is my journal entry for today.
When I was 18 years old, hard to fathom that was 11 years ago I met what I thought was the love of my life. I gave him my precious gift after I had turned 19. I wanted to wait for marriage as it was so sacred to me to hold on to that but my infatuation with this man I thought I was going to marry left my reasoning behind. We spent three years together. In the beginning it was good, new and fun. I let myself go for I thought now I found the man I was going to marry so it didn't matter what size I was. In the last year of my relationship with him I became depressed and was very alone. I was looking for marriage or a home or whatever, something new, fun and good. It did not come and the spark went out. I left him and moved back home to my parents house. I was 21 1/2 years old. I was unemployed for a month and then I started a new job. It was new, fun and good. I met a man there by the name of Chuck who was married with children. He took me under his wing at work and I became a project manager. He also suggested we become gym buddies. The gym was something new, fun and good. I lost 40lbs and was ripped and weighed 230lbs. I am currently as I type two lbs below that and that was 7 1/2 years ago. 7 1/2 years ago I decided my flower was huge and so I gave away a lot of friggen petals! Boy, did I have fun. My single life being healthy was new, fun and good. I was missing something though. So I slowed er down a little bit and almost 6 years ago to today I met my future husband Jay.
We reconnected at our five year reunion. He told me how much he had loved me throughout school and that he thought it would be a good idea if we got together. He said more words but they are blurred now. He was in a terribly unhealthy relationship at the time and I told him I didn't want to be the reason that ended. Turns out I didn't have to be she was taking him for every penny he was worth. That relationship ended and I swooped in to save the day. It was good, new and fun and I took over his life. I became his mother and now I didn't have to work out any more either because I had a good excuse not to - someone loved me.
The beginning was good. We had a lot of fun. It very quickly turned into a disrespectful relationship on both of our parts. I resented him for not being smarter, I resented him for everything I did, I resented him for not taking care of himself when I was the one who made the decision to do so. He wanted more from me than I could give. He started being disrespectful as well. I look back and see all of these red flags that I was so blinded to because I wanted to be the hero and I was. His family adored me and loved me, he thought I was the best.
We decided to buy a farm it was good, new and fun. We decided to get married it was good new and fun. But then the wedding was all over. There was nothing new, good or fun in my eyes. Depression set in for me and the disrespect for my feelings and my body was rampant. We fought, I hunkered down. It was only a year into our marriage that we both disconnected from it.
I thought it was all my fault, but then I look back and see all of the red flags that I have missed.
(Sunday June 28th, 2009)
Today I sit here and type in a much different mind set than the beginning of this post. I have recognized the pattern I have with men and that is when I finally find the love that I seek, I forget about myself and it is allowed by the man as I shower him with my love, time and all my effort. Then there comes a point where I begin to resent this pattern. At this point I have gained weight, I have let myself go and I become depressed with the fact that I did it again. I now realize this pattern and am so excited to not do this again. Part of this comes from the man as well. When I find a partner he should be supportive, loving and kind in my endeavors and not let me become his mother because he is independent and self sufficient. He should be strong and loving and when it is evident that I am taking over in the partnership as the sole caregiver he should be strong enough as a man to say something and be open enough to communicate with me. I should also be strong enough not to fall into the same old pattern. To realize I am lovable just the way that I am. I don't need to become a mother to a man, he already has one so I shouldn't need to take over just to make him love me more.
This pattern recognition was really an eye opener for me. I am so excited to start my new life single. I have lost weight and continue to lose so I have a new life, a new chance and time to love the new me. I am so overwhelmed with this feeling of freedom.
I'm not planning any more for the next 15-20years of my life. Why? Why should I? - seems as though I've planned and planned and planned and the Big Guy upstairs keeps showing me that MY plans are not HIS plans and guess what I'm a relieved and so happy to accept and know that someone else is in charge of my plan. It gives me so much relief to just go on with my life on a day to day basis right now. The farm we purchased was an investment purchase - it was a plan for the next 15-20 years of our lives. Now when I buy my next home I am going to buy it just to be my home. I don't really care if it increases in value, I don't care if I stay there for 2 or 10 years. I just want a home where I can feel good and confident in it and just be.
I've also found a new zest for my job. I have been so downtrodden about my job for so long and it wasn't the job at all it was me and my personal life that was getting in the way. It was yet another responsibility I had and it was a burden as well as all of the other responsibilities I had in my life that I put on myself. Now I am going to choose my responsibilities. If I want it I will take it on and if I don't I will politely pass on it.
I do not regret my past in any sense. I feel as though it was like school. I have learned so much about what to do and what NOT to do. I have learned just how strong I am and I am very proud of myself for the way I've handled things and how in the end I have learned even from the toughest lessons.
I am not a feminist by any means, however I feel empowered as a woman who can hold her own, who knows now what she wants in life and in love. For once I have my mind made up about my self worth. For once I am finally trusting in my Lord and His plan for me. For once I am taking a stand against disrespect and knowing that I deserve only the best this life has to offer. Will there be lessons and some of them hard along the way? Yup, there sure will be. I plan on taking every one of those bumps in stride and learning from them, and not letting them pull me down.
My three month follow up went really well. To date I have lost 64.5lbs (Includes preop loss of 17lbs). I am doing extremely well according to the docs and was even called a poster child. I have no side effects except a couple of foods that don't just sit right. I feel fa nominal. I played in a softball tournament this past weekend. (I coach and play on a women's slow pitch team) and I felt amazing on the field. I felt light and fast and like a true softball player who was contributing to the good of the team. Last year I was 64lbs heavier. I did not feel like I was contributing to the team and felt embarrassed to be on the ball field. My arm is now stronger, my bat is faster and my legs for running should be wings for how I feel running around the bases.
All is well in my world. This divorce is another one of those bumps in the road that I am just soaring over. At the top of that little bump is a spring diving board that I am leaping off of the other side into this new me and this new life. I know I can do this and know that the support and love around me will hold me up through it. I couldn't be happier life is good.
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Just thoughts on June 8, 2009 6:11 am
This weekend was graduation in our small town. Needless to say that meant MANY parties and needless to say that meant completely off routine. It didn't mean eat cake and bad things for me in fact I had a really small bite of my hubby's brownie that had frosting on it and I was so thankful it was GROSS! I didn't over eat at any one sitting I don't think so anyway but know I ate more times than I should have. However, again was happy with my choices of what I ate. I was down 3lbs from my stall a few weeks ago then on Saturday morning after hitting the three graduations was up those 3lbs again. One thing I think causes these little stalls are lack of BM's. It depends on the week - one week I'll go every day and the next week I'll go once or twice. This isn't a good thing at all and I'm working on getting a handle on it. I did manage to keep up my vit. routine this weekend even if that meant going to the truck to eat 1/2c of yogurt with my 100% Calcium Citrate Powder in it. It was empowering that I kept up at it.
I have faltered on keeping a food journal and this is a VERY bad thing for me. I will be back on track again with this starting TODAY! Keeping a good journal keeps you accountable for the calories - I know that this has been my down fall in the past and I know that this is something I will need to work on on a daily basis.
Good things that happened this weekend are that I received compliment after compliment. Because I was so open with my surgery to a lot of my friends and family they feel comfortable asking me questions commenting on my status and just in general talking to me. Even people that I wasn't that close with are starting to talk to me and ask my questions. I've also noticed in these little stalls that it seems my body loses inches - there was a couple of times I walked by a mirror this weekend and was HOLY BALLS I am changing! So this is a good thing. My pants that fit me well two weeks ago are now too loose and I will need to get a new pair in a hurry. Even though I dried them for over an hour to try and shrink them they were still too loose and I haven't lost any weight in those two weeks. This is a good thing.
Bad things that happened - I did see/feel my reaction to everyone else eating and to WHAT they were eating. I did see myself eyeing the cake. Just old habits creeping up. Another lady in my town had surgery almost 1 year ago. She's lost 150lbs in that year and looks a bit gaunt from the major weight loss. However is still at 175lbs. Everyone I know thinks it is OKAY for them to tell me how TERRIBLE she looks. Give me a break people and also lay off her. I am starting to stand up to people and just say - give her a break. Her body is less that a year out from major surgery, her body has just shed almost 1/2 of it's former self and you want to knock her down? I mean come on! Give her a break her body needs to catch up! And don't talk to me about someone else who has had the exact same procedure that I have. I'm getting awful sick of the comments people think it's okay to make to me and now I'm telling her.
I'm feeling good and seeing the changes in my body all the time and this feels good!
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2 months post op on June 5, 2009 1:38 pm
Well kids - I've surpassed the two month mark. I actually forgot about the day itself and let a few pass by. So here it is two months since my surgery. I've lost 35lbs since surgery and (17 before) which I feel is a bit slow but is still a good number. I've had 2 -14 day stalls in there which stink.
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I am seeing the changes in my body but still wearing some of the same clothes. Some of it I just can't wear any more but everything is baggy and loose and it's time I start buying some 2nd hand clothes to wear.
I think the nerves in my tummy are finally starting to heal so it's talking to me. I was nervous before because I could never tell when I was full or if my tummy was upset. That scared me because I thought what if I eat too much? But I pretty much stuck to the rules. Then just a week or so ago I am actually getting full which is exciting me! I finally am satisfied on 1/2-3/4c of food. I finally feel the tool working for me. I am walking quiet a bit which is also helping I feel my arms getting firmer. I walk with 5lbs weights and I do curls and all sorts of crazy stuff with my arms while I'm walking.
Sex is much better without so much in the way - it's not such a chore any more or such hard work.
All in all things are well - I'm not overly excited yet about my progress but hopefully I will get there.
Scale inched a little on June 2, 2009 6:49 am
Stalls if you want to call them that or just our bodies saying "HOLD YOUR HORSES" and taking a breather from shedding the pounds either way you address them they stink. Maybe I need to change my attitude about them and look at it with respect for my body that it's just taking a break and needing to catch up. I was stalled for 10 days. I think another part of this is all the people that know about my surgery are asking "so how much have you lost?". Well then if I see them more than once in that stall period and they ask and I've stayed the same I feel kind of defeated a little. Ya know my stupid mind says I should be losing 5lbs a week and then raving about it when someone asks. The other part of my mind says BACK OFF PEOPLE! It's a little frustrating how someone will call and one of the first things they say is HOW MUCH HAVE YOU LOST?
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Okay don't with the rant. I did get my period kindof/sortof. That's the ways it's been for years so I'm not freaking about it. But I was really bloated on Sat/Sun and felt like I had a brick in my lower tummy. I think that was another reason for the stall. I exercised my butt off on Sat, Sun and Mon and it felt good.
I've decided that I will no longer bitch, complain or confront disrespect in my life. Especially from my DH. I've realized that the more ya bitch the worse it gets. It's almost like an alcoholic with a sober partner that just bitches non stop. Of course that makes them want to do it more. It's like a smoker with a non-smoking partner that bitches all the time. Just makes the smoker want to do it more and blow it in the face of the non-smoker.
I figure I'll try a little reverse psychology here and if I go places alone I will not bitch but I will not lie for him any more either. I will be happy to go alone and not worry about if he's having a good time or not. I will enjoy the freedom. I have to do something different and let it roll off my back like water because I can not continue to get worked up as it is such a sad thing for me to deal with and think about. I can't afford to dwell on the fact that he needs to grow up. We have 16 months to get our marriage worked out. 85% of me believes we can do it.
For those who read this that are close to me I ask that you respect my privacy. This is my outlet, my blog and my journey so please do not share MY personal thoughts or feelings with anyone else in your life. I appreciate your respect.