Jenci S.

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I love myself.

I have honestly never been able to say that!  Wow.  I have grasped how important it is for me to be confident in myself and my abilities.  I think I wore my fat as a barrier.  I thought I wanted people to "check me out", and I thought I was comfortable in my body.  Wow, was I wrong!  Looking back I hid behind the fact that I was fat, and the idea that no one expected anything of me because they didn't want to offend the fat girl. 

Now I am not afraid to be intelligent.  I am not afraid to speak my mind.  I am not afraid to stand up and speak in front of people.  I am not afraid to pass someone in a cross walk knowing they're looking at my jiggling fat.  I am not afraid to wear cute wedge shoes!  I am not afraid to have on tight pants (in fact, now I prefer them!) 

In short:
HELLO WORLD!  I AM JENCI!  I LOVE WHO I AM!

I am part of a union where I work at the City of Sacramento.  Last month I posted a video of me speaking to City Council regarding my disapproval of their lack of compromise in current labor negotiations.  Since then I have had a few other employees contact me telling me they support me, and agree.  Last week I had a fellow employee say she wanted to do something, maybe start a petition.  That got me thinking, so I looked up online petitions and found a site and have since created a petition for folks to sign.  I have emailed various people w/in the City, created flyers to hand out to folks w/o email.  People have been calling / emailing me non stop saying thank you for doing this.

Here comes my issue.  I am not doing "this".  I have simply created an outlet for people to be able to speak their mind.  My second issue.  I have inadvertantly made myself the center of this outcry.  Now here lies my insight.  Before RNY I would have NEVER spoke in front of City Council.  And I certainly would not have made the effort to get a petition started. 

The effects from my RNY surgery are astounding.  Physicaly, emotionally, perceptionally.  I have become stronger in all of those categories.  I have become more confident in each of those as well.  I am less afraid of what people "think" of me.  I am more willing to voice my opinion because for once I have going for me than my "sure, I'll go along with whatever you say" attitude.  In fact, that attitude is LONG gone.  I am no longer a push over.  I am no longer the "hanger-on".  I can stand on my own two feet, and I can allow myself to have, and voice my opinions.

J = Jaw Bones
E = Elbows
N = Nails
C = Collarbone
I = Inches

Jaw Bones - You can see my jaw bone.  No double chin!
Elbows - They're cute, and boney!
Nails - I can easily paint my toes now, so I do!
Collarbone - What?  I HAVE COLLARBONES??
Inches - Lost forever!

And to top it all off...I AM WEARING SIZE 14 SLACKS TODAY!  WOO HOO!!!  They're tight, I am stuffed in, BUT THEY ARE ON AND FASTENED! 

I do believe it is time for the HAPPY DANCE!

No shocker here...I am addicted to food (or I wouldn't be here, 6 mo out from RNY).  But wait, that IS a shock to me.  Last night my hubby made nachos.  I ate my meat, cheese (hubby and the boys had nacho cheese, I grated cheddar over my meat), olives, tomatos, and sour cream like a good girl.  Had three chips.  I sat there, decided to have a little more, started eating and realized I didn't need it.  BUT there was this overwhelming voice inside telling me to keep going.  But then there was my pouch inside me saying, STAY AWAY, DO NOT PUT ANYTHING ELSE IN YOUR MOUTH OR I WILL GIVE IT ALL BACK!  So I pushed the plate away from myself, and told my hubby I was done.  Crisis avoided. 

Problem is, that isn't the first crisis not is it going to be the last.  I am trying to wrap my brain around that.  But seriously, my brain is fighting back, and hard!  It is telling me I NEED that food.  I WANT that food.  So then there comes my pouch which says NO!

I have always been "in tune" with my body.  I know when I'll start my period.  I know when I'll get a migraine.  I know when I am getting sick.  So how come I can't "know" what my body needs?  Why is it so freaking hard?  Now, before all of you write and say "Don't beat yourself up." or, "You're doing great.", I know.  I am doing great, and I look fantastic, but it is important for me to express that I am still struggling.  And at this point, I am half way to accepting that I will struggle with my brain v pouch tug of war forever.

I have this fear.  It is the fear that my pouch is slowly stretching, and that I will be able to eat as much as I used to.

In reality, this is a real possibility.  My stomach CAN stretch out again.  Someday I might be able to eat like I used to.  BUT...I am working on training my brain away from those behaviors.

Before I had this surgery, my doctor told me that he was giving me a tool.  NOT a end all, be all cure for obesity.  He said I was going to have to work.  He admitted that at first the weight would fall of, it did.  But eventually, I would have to have changed my lifestyle to compliment my new pouch or I would find myself back at the beginning, but this time I wouldn't be able to have RNY again, at least not by him.

So every day I eat, because, HELLO, you have to eat to survive.  And with every bite I have to question whether I've had enough or not.  Yeah, that is what I am suppose to do...but I have been hardwired for the last 29 years to finish my plate, and eat everything in front of me!  And there are times, like today at lunch, when I SHOULD have, COULD have stopped eating my tuna, but didn't.  Which then leads me around full circle to, I AM STRETCHING MY POUCH OUT!

Having RNY has truly taught me the meaning of "my own worse enemy".  I KNOW what I need to do, I just NEED to do it!

My hair is falling out.
I have THE WORST gas.
My tummy sounds like it has a tiger in it.

My hair has been falling out for a while now.  Luckily for me it isn't as bad as it was after my second son.  Then it would come out in handfuls.  Now a few strands come out when I run my hands through it.  I am getting enough protein, I've started biotin, and have been making sure to get my calcium and iron in every day.  Hopefully this problem will be rectified.
Gas.  I have clear the room, who left the egg salad out, nuclear bomb stinky gas!  Every day.  All day.  This is recent.  Maybe 2 weeks.  But it has been 2 solid weeks.  Not sure what has changed.  I keep a detailed food log and my intake hasn't changed.  Not sure why, but I am a fart machine.
Now the stomach.  I swear, I have a tiger in there, and every so often he wants out of the cage.  Rolling waves of thunderous roars come freely flowing out of my abdomen.  Adults are polite and say nothing, my 5 year old on the other hand says "Mommy, I hear your tiger again, are you hungry??" 

I still feel like a fat girl.  Technically, I guess I still am a fat girl.  I weigh 219.  That is still obese, still fat.  I wear anything from a size 16 to a size 20 (which I wore yesterday and had my co-worker tell me I couldn't wear again because it was too big).  I can wear XL shirts in most things, sometimes a L.  I am smaller than I was when I graduated from high school, and yet when I look down I still see a fat girl.  I see rolls, jiggly arms, and flabby thighs.  I see a fat girl.  Don't get me wrong, there are times I feel thin, like when I can sit at a booth without being afraid if I'll fit or not.  Or like when I try to "squeeze" by someone only to find I didn't need to "squeeze" at all because I fit fine!  Or when my 2 year old runs up and is able to wrap his arms around my leg and clasp his hands on the other side.  My brain hasn't caught up with my body. 

And then there are the mind tricks you play on yourself before you even have surgery.  Thinking "I'm not that big." or "So what, I wear a size 32, but I look good."  Yeah.  Those mind games haven't stopped either.  I look at my arms and think "They're not that bad.", but then I catch a glimpse of them in the mirror and wonder how I left the house in that blouse!  Or take today, I look down while sitting and see fat thighs, a lower tummy that sticks out, and rolls under my breasts, but if I was to look in a mirror I would see those things, but I would see that they are markedly smaller than they were before.  Like I have said before, I look in mirrors sometimes and wonder if they're warped, because that skinny girl couldn't possibly be me. 

Well, on Sunday I will be six months out!  Time is flying by!  And the weight has flown off.  Since having surgery on January 11th, I am officially down 88.3 pounds!  Add in the 34 I lost before surgery, and I am down 122.3!  UNBELIEVEABLE! 

Yesterday I went in for my 6 month blood work and the girl drawing my blood asked why I was having so many tests done.  I told her I had RNY, and this was my 6 month check up.  She went on to say that I looked fantastic, and she couldn't believe I ever had that much weight to lose, or so much more to lose.  She said the skin on my face was taunt and beautiful, and that I was doing great!  Needless to say, it was an awesome encounter!  She did ask me one question that stopped me in my tracks.  She asked why I had waited so  long.  I honestly didn't know what to say.  I waited so long because I was a skeptic.  I believed RNY was the "easy way out".  I thought it was admitting defeat.  But after watching two friends go through with the surgery I got curious.  Both were so proud of their decision, and the weight fell off.  I wanted the same thing.  I was jealous of their success.  And at the beginning, that is what drove me, jealousy.  Here I am 6 months later and I know the flip side of this surgery, there is nothing to be jealous of.  This is hard work.  This is NOT the easy way out.  I daily have to make tough decisions that before now didn't even cross my mind.  I don't get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  But at the same time, I wouldn't trade my new life for anything.  I love the new me.  I have slowly been discovering what I can and can't eat, not that those things don't change on a daily basis, but I am more aware of what I need, and how it will effect me.  I have to make myself eat and drink now.  I have to have a daily food log in order to ensure I am getting enough protein and enough liquids.  I take more pills / chewables each morning that ever before.  But would I trade that for being 122 pounds heavier?  NO WAY!  I  love the new me.  I love looking in the mirror.  I love seeing my collar bones, and knee caps.  I love being able to jump up from the couch when my kids call.  I love being able to shave my legs in the shower and not have to be pressed up against the sides of the stall just to bend over. 

So, after 6 months, I can honestly say, set backs, skeptics, critics, and dumping aside, I am 100% happy with my decision to have RNY! 

It has been a while since I blogged.  I haven't had any crazyness to complain or wax poetic about.  But that is a good thing.  That means I am able to drink my protein drinks, meats are giong down better, I am leanring more and more about what my pouch can and can't handle.  I am becomming more and more confident in who I am. 

I have been enjoying purchasing things at Wal-Mart and Kohl's straight off the rack and know they're going to fit!  I am a bit of a clothes horse (I get it from my mother, she has 4 closets which are full, and clothes on the back of every door!), and have noticed that I have been amassing more and more STUFF.  So I have vowed that I won't purchase anything else for a month.  Oh goodness, I put it in writing, no clothes purchases for 1 month!  I am addicted.  I think my transfer addiction has been to shopping.  Not that I didn't shop before, but before now it was all online because nothing in the store (even Lane Bryant) fit.  Now I can walk into any store, any time, and buy clothes right off the rack.  It is dangerous!  

Sunday I got a pleasant surprise from my mother.  She made a triffle for the 4th, I was planning on having some come hell or high water, I am a sucker for angel food cake, cool whip and fresh fruit.  Well, as I dished some up for myself she came over and said it was sugar free angel food cake, and sugar free cool whip!  I was elated!  YUMMY STUFF!  I have found I am ok w/sugar substitutes, and honestly, I am ok with sugar!  UGH!  Wish I wasn't ok w/sugar.  But I always keep sugar free, low fat snacks around in case I get a hunkering for sweets.

I hope your day is going good.  Mine is :)