Jenci S.

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Losing such a dear friend has made me very aware of my habits.  I eat.  I eat to cope.  I have been eating non-stop for the last few days.  Well, either sleeping, being depressed, or eating.  And every time I think of my friend I realize she would be kicking my butt for trying to eat to feel better.  So this morning I stuffed my lunch bag with cheese, lunch meat, tangerines, celery and peanut butter in hopes that my snacking takes a more nutritious route.  We shall see.  Luckily we don't have tons of junk laying around the office this week like we did last week.

The holidays are a time of reflection.  A time a spend with our loved ones.  A time to reflect on your year.  This year I am afraid to do that.  It hurts too much.  But in an effort to move forward I have to accept my past, and accept the changes that have been happening.  I have to remind myself that the challenges I face are nothing compared to others around me.  I need to be thankful for the blessings in my life, and believe me, there are many.  So I need to get out my negative stuff first.  We lost my husband's grandmother this year.  We lost my Great Uncle this year.  I lost two friends at work.  One of whom was the most positive, and Godly woman I have ever met.  Another co-worker has a son who was diagnosed with brain cancer, 10 years old with brain cancer.  The family of my girlfriend at work is now left without a mother, four children, no dad, and now no mother.  Then there are all the people out there without roofs over their heads or food to fill their bellies.  It is all so overwhelming. 

I have everything to be thankful for.  A loving, supportive family.  A husband who I love, and who loves me.  Two beautiful boys.  Parents who would give their last dime to ensure we have everything we need.  A best friend who gives, and gives, and gives.  A roof over my head, food in my fridge, and gifts to wrap for Christmas morning.  Life is good.

So Lord, I am here today, writing this in an effort to help rid myself of my insecurities, my need to "have".  I am a selfish, petty, wanting person.  I don't want to be mean spirited, heartless, or jealous.  I want to be thankful for everything I have, and not need more.  I want to be a spirit people want in their lives, and someone I can be proud of.  Don't let me get exhausted, but continue to fill me with your love, courage, and influence.  I want to be a better person.  I want to be a better influence on my children, and everyone around me.  Help me to be a better friend, daughter, wife, and mother.  Please help me to let you lead.  Help me to take a back seat to my wants and needs, and help me to be satisfied.  I love you Lord.  Fill me.

I wrote yesterday of the loss of my dear friend Kim.  She had bypass surgery earlier this year, and many of you have asked if her surgery caused her passing.  At this time, all I can say is, I don't think so.  She had a massive heart attack.  I have been doing some research and it seems like that is a very very rare thing to have happen due to bypass surgery.  One thing we all have to remember is, along with obesity we have comorbidities.  She had other issues she was dealing with, and was over 430 pounds before surgery, and had been that heavy for a long time.  Honestly, I don't know exactly what caused her heart attack, but I do not believe it was a direct result of having gastric bypass surgery.

Thank you to everyone for the well wishes and prayers. 

One of my biggest fans passed away last night.  She too had bypass surgery this year.  We were growing (or rather shrinking) together! 

Her spirit was pure and constant.  A true gift from God to everyone she met.  A beautiful woman, a fantastic mother, and friend.  Someone I will miss every day for the rest of my life.  A single mother who left four children to continue raising themselves.  One more angel in heaven.

This brings me to food.  I found out this morning about her death.  Since then I have been on auto pilot.  I have eaten.  But not excessively.  And I am beginning to wonder if I would have eaten at all if I wasn't surrounded by co-workers who were going through the grieving process with me, and who were all stuffing their faces with grief.  We'll see where this  leads.  Hopefully I won't go down the binge aisle or the starvation aisle.  Shock is still in effect.

Some days I get overwhelmed.   I get overwhelmed that I am going to have to maintain this weight for the next 65 years!  SIXTY FIVE FREAKING YEARS!  (Yes, I plan on living to 95) ;-)

Or I get overwhelmed with thinking about the chance that I will gain all that weight back and then some.  Some days I even get overwhelmed looking in the mirror and seeing all the excess skin I have hanging around. 

A lot of the time I get overwhelmed at all the food I am surrounded with.  In general, we have some sort of shared lunch, left over birthday cake, or celebration every other week around here.  So that means lots of good eats, and yummy treats.  I admit, I struggle.  And I get overly self conscious about people watching to see what I put on my plate and then what I actually consume.  I still feel like the fat girl at the buffet that everyone is watching because they want to be able to see what I put on my plate because it will give them an accurate picture of why I am so huge.  Who cares that I am 155+ pounds lighter than I was 1 year ago.  I am still the fat girl.

Ever had Vita Tops?  When I want a yummy, gooey, chocolatey cakey thing, I grab a vita top.  Sugar-Free Velvety Chocolate VitaTops (24 MuffinTops) 2 Dozen sugar free 2-oz. Kosher VitaTops with real cocoa, whole wheat & sugar free chocolate chips. Only 90 calories! 90 calories, 2g fat, 9g fiber, 4g protein.  Yeah, they are the BOMB DIGGITY!  Anyway, I made one yesterday afternoon and I had FOUR co-workers look at my bowl, and then look at me like I was crazy.  1st off, who gave them the right to judge me?  2nd, would I really screw myself by having a brownie or chocolate chip muffin top???  COME ON PEOPLE.  3rd, even if it was a brownie, and not a low fat, sugar free, high fiber treat, would you question anyone else if they came out of the break room with it?  I don't think so!  Let me eat my indulgent snack without the judgement.  Thank you very much!

Wow.  It is so easy to slip back into old habits.  I am a  mindless eater.  I eat to eat.  I get no satisfaction from it.  I feel like if I don't take a piece of pie I am missing out, and if I don't take a piece now there will be none later.  I eat to eat.  Sad sad sad.  I have been eating anything and everything in sight.  Just popping it in my mouth.  I think the difference for me right now is that before I had good options to pop in my mouth.  I have been slack in buying good stuff to snack on.  So I have been better about stopping and buying what I need to get through the week.  So we'll see how this goes. 

In the meantime I would like to give some advice.  Plan ahead.  During the week I am good for breakfast because I take my protein powder to Starbucks, and they whip me up a frappachino.  Mid morning I snack on some fiber cereal or bar, or peanuts, or yogurt, whatever catches my eye.  Then there is lunch.  For a few weeks now I have been packing my lunch every day.  This seems to make a huge difference in my portion control.  I eat only what I bring.  It works well.  Then mid afternoon snack is the same as the morning one.  And then home for dinner.  Generally my husband has a purely protein portion of the dinner which I can partake in, and then a ton of other non protein stuff I can't.  After nearly a year I have come to deal with that by sneaking bites when I go into the kitchen to give my boys seconds.  BAD Jenci.  SO, I have made myself a promise, NO SNEAKING BITES.  Take what I want to the table to eat, because if I can't eat it in front of my husband with a clean conscious, I shouldn't be eating it.

Ok.  Back to my yogurt topped with fiber cereal.  Good eats!

Be prepared to be offended.  Not by the article itself, but by the comments people have left at the bottom.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40498098/
People amaze me.  Their complete lack of empathy or apathy for their fellow human beings is always a complete shock.  Maybe my issues stem from being someone who is not a fan of confrontation, or pointing out other people's flaws.  I am so shy of insulting someone I have trouble telling people when they have something on their face.  WEIRD, I know.  But, some of the comments people put out there are just insulting and disheartening.  I guess I need to work on chalking them up to these people's lack of being able to walk a mile in obese shoes.
I went to the doctor the other day because I have a virus or some sort.  While sitting in the waiting room a large woman walking with a cane, and breathing hard passed by me and two other ladies.  Once the obese woman was past the older woman said "How do you let yourself get so fat?  I have always been thin." to which the other lady said "I know, it is so unhealthy.  Eating is easy to get under control, you just have to know what to eat and when."  I was sitting there wishing I could have experienced the same thing while fat, just to see if those ladies would have made the same comments, or if they would have held their tongues because they were still by a fat woman.  I wanted to turn to them and say "I used to be that woman, so shut the hell up!"  But instead I recrossed my legs and continued to watch Martha Stewart.  Ugh.  From there I was called in to the doctor's office, and saw a different doc than my normal PCP.  SHe came in and said, "Wow, you have successfully managed to lose a lot of weight (smile on her face the whole time)?"  So I told her I had gastric bypass surgery in January (smile gone conversation over).  WHAT THE HECK LADY?  Me being the insecure, former fat girl sat there and went through my usual self loathing process of over analyzing her body language, and putting thoughts into her head I had no way of knowing were correct or not. 
So this brings me back to people being so damn unaccepting of others.  Or heck, be unaccepting, but keep your comments to yourself!  How long have mothers everywhere been telling their kids "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." or "Think before you speak."  Seriously! 
I have learned over the years that one of my strengths is compassion.  I have it coming out of my pores.  Somehow I wish I could share just a touch of that with others.  But then I am drawn back to my awe of how different each of us are.  And how lucky we are as a society, a race, that we do have such diversity.  Someday when you walk out to your car and have a ticket waiting for parking in a no parking zone, before getting angry, stop and ask yourself if that was a job you would like to do, or if you're happy someone else has taken that bull by the horns!

Well.  I am not not doing what I should be doing when it comes to my dietary needs.  Make sense?  Apparently there is a virus going around town that is causing the exact symptoms I described to my doctor yesterday.  Including the head spinning.  I guess they have had a flood of folks coming in with colds and inner ear pressure which is causing vertigo symptoms.  So horray for taking care of my diet, and boo for being part of the infected masses!

Thank you to everyone for all the well wishes.  Talk to you soon!

So I am thinking something is off.  Whether it is my protein, vitamins, etc, I don't know.  But I just don't feel well.  Currently on hold with the doctor's office, hoping to get an order in for a full blood test.  We shall see.

I thought it was just due to a cold.  I was light headed, felt faint.  But it has been going on for about 4 days now, and I am not feeling like I have a cold.  It is just weird.  I am exhausted.  My head feels like it is spinning.  My shoulders and neck ache.  All things I generally associate with a cold.  But I don't have a fever, stuffy nose, sore throat or anything like that.  Hopefully the blood work will give me some insight into what is happening.  And truthfully, this isn't the first time I've felt this way.  I mean the whole head spinning stuff. 

If I didn't know better I would think I was pregnant.  Exhausted all the time, dark circles under my eyes, cravings!  Yep, this morning I HAD to stop and get scrambled eggs and ham.  I NEVER do that, except when I am pregnant.  Weird.  But I had my period two weeks ago, so I am in the clear.  Just weird. 

I lost a total of 5.9 in November.  Not too shabby.  But not FABULOUS! 

I have slown down considerably in my weight loss.  Some days I am ok with that, others it bugs me.  I am confident in myself today.  I like my body.  I am ok with being me.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  Today is just ok.