Jenci S.

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Last Monday I had a problem, for lack of a better word.  I nearly passed out at work.  I started sweating profusely, the room was spinning and my heart was weird.  Real slow, and my breathing became labored and slow.  I thought it could be due to a powder the girl at Starbucks talked me into adding to my daily shake.  Or due to the 1/4 of a brownie I ate.  I also thought it could be due to a "cold" or "virus" I was fighting.  I went home early, and did the same the next day, and then stayed home completely on Wednesday.  I went to the doctor on Wednesday and had my blood pressure read 81/58.  The doctor could find nothing "wrong" with me.  When I mentioned my blood pressure he took it again and it was 100/70.  He wasn't too concerned.  Said maybe I was dehydrated, and also had a virus which could cause my blood pressure to drop, which could have been the cause of my symptoms on Monday.  I felt better as the week progressed.  Then all of a sudden I am facing the same symptoms.  Dripping with sweat, heart feeling funny, and my breathing is labored.  Had a Starbucks drink I ALWAYS have, nothing crazy.  Ate some Cheerios, and a mini luna bar.  NOTHING weird.  But here I am facing the same symptoms.  What the HECK???

Well.  I am up 2 pounds this morning.  But honestly, those 2 pounds are due to a rockin' Friday night with my best friend.  Her birthday was a few weeks ago and Friday night was our first chance to go out and celebrate.  And celebrate we did!  We went to a great local place called the Shady Lady.  Had drinks, shared some dinner and dessert, and then went to a couple more places, and had some more drinks.  I can't tell you the last time i had so much fun!  And I can honestly say being thinner has made me a lot more outgoing.  I wasn't afraid to show myself around those places.  It was an eye opening experience in another way too, I have never been checked out so much, nor had anyone buy me a shot before.  AMAZING!

Now before you get all angsty with me and condemn me for drinking, hear this.  I NEVER do this.  The last time my girlfriend and I went out drinking was, umm, 8+ years ago, so long ago in fact I can't even tell you the date!  My husband doesn't drink (if he does he goes overboard, so he's vowed to not drink at all), so we don't have stuff in our house so I am never tempted. 

I think letting off some steam, allowing yourself to have fun is important.  I think it is part of this journey too.  I went from being a fat couch potato to a hot mama in tight jeans and black leather boots in little over a year.  That is something to be celebrated!  Plus as much as I love my husband, and as much as he is my best friend, I need my girlfriend too.  She has been my friend almost as long as I've known my husband, and I've known him since 1994!  They're both my allies, and giving both of them undivided attention on occasion is a good idea.

Cheers to girls!  Cheers to tequilla!  And cheers to WLS!  :)

I am torn.  Society tells me a size 12 is big.  BMI charts tell me that at my current weight I am obese.  My memory tells me I have not been a size 12 since I WAS 12!  Heck, maybe even since I was 11.  I am wearing shirts I have owned for 18 years!  I can walk into any store and purchase clothes off the rack.  And to my extreme frustration, I can't shop at Lane Bryant anymore. 

All that being said, I think part of the reason I have allowed myself to become complacent in my weight loss is because I am happy with the size I am today.  I feel confident at this weight.  I feel sexy.  I feel like I am able to do just about anything.  I am not a stick.  Hell, I am not even "thin".  But I am comfortable.

At one point I believed I would be a solid size 8.  Maybe that day will come, but truthfully, if i stay at a size 12 until the day I die, I would die a proud, accomplished woman.

Well, yesterday was my first day back on the food journal journey.  I am wanting to continue to lose weight, so I have set a 1,700 calorie maximum on myself, and I was at 1,764, with 95 grams of protein and 81 ounces of water.  Not too shabby!  We'll see how today goes.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement.  Sometimes I forget just how much I need OH, and my OH friends!

My brain sucks.  Apparently it cannot be retrained.  Or so I think some days.  Yesterday was one of those days.  A day when I kept eating.  And eating.  And eating.  And eating again.

Having this surgery was a wake up call.  I started out wanting it because I wanted to be thin, gorgeous, and active.  The weight flew off at first.  No effort required.  SERIOUSLY, the work I thought I was putting in, yeah, it wasn't work, it was effortless.  The real work has begun, and I have already allowed myself to falter.  I have been at the same weight, give or take a few pounds since well before Christmas.  I have eaten to my heart's content.  I used the holidays as an excuse to eat anything and everything I wanted.  Which has in turn enabled me to continue to eat anything and everything I want. 

Bread.  Candy.  Sweets.  Bread.  Candy.  Sweets.  Eat.  Eat.  Eat.

I am back to thinking I am denying myself when I do not eat these things.  I need to get back to believing I have a choice, and then actually choosing the correct path!  My brain is in serious trouble.  I think about food.  I think of something I know I have at home, or at work, and I fixate on it until I allow myself to consume it.  Fixation.  There is no other way to describe what I am doing.  It is like I fantacize about food.  Become fixated, and have to have it.  Not good!

Then there is the working out.  I am not working out.  I am not even walking anymore!  Yes, it is cold here, but I could walk around the Convention Center I work in.  But do I?  NO!  I keep cheating myself and saying, "If only I had an eliptical machine at home, or a treadmill, I would use them religiously!"  But that is just an excuse, and excuse I am using to keep myself from walking.  I have a Wii, and want a Wii Fit, but would I truly use it?  At this point, my sad, lame answer is NO!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

At my 1 year check up the doc said "You have to grab on to this opportunity you have been given, and drive yourself to get active, and get moving."  That has really stuck with me.  I have been given a new lease on life.  A second chance to LIVE.  I never want to be fat again.  NEVER.  NEVER.  NEVER.  But I am letting myself go, and it has only been 1 year.  What happened to the motivated, charged up me?  She is in there, I just need to pull her hair until she reemerges again.  I think I'll start by restarting my food log today.  YEP, that is step 1.  Daily food log.  Another step is to blog.  Even if it is about nothing.  Just blog, keep myself on OH, and motivated.  Here goes!

One year!  One freaking year!  Incredible.  I am down 159 pounds since I began this journey, and 125 pounds lost since surgery one year ago today.  Not too shabby!

I am sitting here reflecting on the last year.  The hospital stay which lasted longer than a "normal" stay for a RNY surgery.  The drain, and that crazy velcro band you had to wear in the shower to hold the drain so it didn't pull out.  Having my husband change my bandages because I couldn't make myself remove the tape.  Eating broth, jello, and those HORRIBLE protein waters.  Then my first "real" food, tuna with olive oil and lemon juice, man, nothing had ever tasted so good.  To my first closet purge, and the incredible struggle I had with letting go some of my favorite clothes.  To learning that a meal isn't a platter, but maybe a tea cup saucer size.  (Still trying to get my brain to accept that).  To realizing I needed to track my intake because I wasn't getting enough protein.  Then realizing that yes, it is important to take all your recommended vitamins.  To realizing that I might be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life, and that is ok.  To being able to shop in any store, and find clothes that fit.  To realizing that I am a beautfiul woman, and more men are noticing that fact.  To learning that yes, my butt was HUGE, and no, I couldn't "really" fit into any chair like I thought I could.  To walking around the park at lunch, and then walking a 5K fundraiser, and surviving!  To looking at pictures and crying because I just didn't realize I was so fat, so obese, so lifeless.  To realizing that I had become the elephant in the room.  My weight was the one thing that I never talked about. 

One year later I have also come to realize just how easy it is to fall back into old habits, and how damaging those habits were and are.  I have also come to accept that at first this was easy.  No work required.  Now I have to want to be this size.  I have to work to be this size.  I thought last January 11th was the first day of the rest of my life, but I can honestly say today is that day.  Today is the day I recommit to this lifestyle, and to myself.  I have a small window of opportunity to grasp this life, to hold on to being thin, and to run with it, quite literally, to run.  This is the Jenci I want to be 60 years from now.  Ok, I'll accept a few more wrinkles, but no more pounds.  I do not ever want to weigh over 200 pounds again.  I am here today, and I am staying.

Happy surgiversary to me.