Jenci S.

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Apparently our brains are complex.  Those jiggly, grey mattered things in our heads actually have a TON of stuff holed up inside of them. 

For instance, my brain absorbed the fact that my real father was/is an alcoholic, and has kept that information in mind while developing peculiar behaviors as a direct result of being exposed to an out of control, alcoholic family member.  I lived the vast majority of the time with my mom and step dad (who I call Dad and Daddy, and who walked me down the aisle on my wedding day), and neither one of them are even close to being alcoholics, or out of control.  BUT my brain decided it needed some control, and that has manifested in me having to buy "more" of things.  I have this obsession that keeps me from letting anything run out.  If I see I have three rolls of TP left I have to buy more.  If my body wash is half full I have to figure out a time in the next week to go out and buy more.  If I have one ice cream sandwhich left I won't eat it until I get more to replace it.  Talked about all this with my counselor today, and guess what, I AM NORMAL. 

I don't have some missing or miss connected screw in there.  I have learned behaviors.  Habits.  Control mechanisms. 

I think one of the things I used as another form of control was food.  No one was going to tell me what I could and could not put in my mouth.  I was in control of what I put in my body, and if I wanted to fill my body with a bg of potato chips dipped in french onion dip, then so be it!  So why can't I change what I WANT to put in my body.  Well, apparently I can, but I have to stop trying to do it all at once.  Slow and steady progress is better than giant leaps forward and quick falls back. 

Having gastric bypass surgery was a GIANT LEAP.  It took away my "choice", and forced me to do what my belly wanted.  It wasn't always easy, but I went for a good 10 months without really breaking any "rules".  I lost weight without trying.  I thought I was trying, but honestly, I wasn't, the weight was going to come off even if I ate horribly.  (Ok, I don't really believe that, but for now it fuels my rant).  Now I am at the crossroads, or so I think I am.  I have to make a choice, eat whatever I want, whenever I want, or walk toward the light and be mindful of what passes my lips, and what I allow myself to eat. 

Someone on here once blogged "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."  For a long time that was my mantra.  Yeah, not so much anymore.  How can we possibly compare something we taste to something we feel.  And "feel" is so broad.  Feeling is physical, emotional, intellectual, and subjective.  Taste is too, but I can no longer compare the two and expect "feeling thin" to win out.  Because lets face it, all three facets of thin I listed above are hardly ever in sync. 

I went to OA today.

When I decided to have gastric bypass surgery it was a no brainer.  No hard work.  I wasn't scared.  But today when I walked into an OA meeting I was pertrified.  I didn't know what to expect.  I sat there listening, absorbing the habits, routines, business, etc.  Folks shared their stories.  It was a welcoming meeting.

And yet I sat there the whole time on the verge of tears.  (I am a weepy person.  I cry at the drop of a hat).  I don't know if I am ready for this.  I don't know if I am ready to learn how to be strong, or ready to give up my horrible eating habits.  Which in turn tells me I didn't walk into bypass surgery in the right frame of mind.  For whatever reason I didn't think there would be hard emotional work to complete, nor did I think I would let go of the habits I learned while losing the weight.  I don't know what I thought, but this life altering, mind numbing, shock enducing place is not where I thought I would be.

So now I am taking a step back.  Not trying to think about the 12 Steps, and what each of those is going to take me through.  I am thinking about sitting down tonight and seriously looking at the materials provided to me today and deciding if I am ready to confront myself, or at least start to confront myself. 

My name is Jenci, and I am a compulsive overeater.  Now ask me to say that outloud and I might run away!

Who the heck has heard of baby steps!  I mean come on, I signed up for the fast, easy, fix all solution when I signed on for gastric bypass surgery.  I know nothing of these baby steps you speak of.  Today when my new counselor said, "Baby steps are where you need to start."  I just about fell off my chair!  You mean I don't have to try and walk a mile 7x a week to start out?  You mean I don't have to go to every lunch meeting of Overeaters Anonymous?  WOW!  Baby steps.  And then she told me that taking baby steps isn't a sign of weakness, or lack of committment, it is simply a way to set myself up for success! 

So this is me taking baby steps.  I will now research an OA meeting near me.  RESEARCH, not try to fit one in before next Wednesday, but just find out when they are!  Wow.  I could really get into these baby steps!

So, after a two week pity party I am starting to become myself again.

I went to the grocery store and stocked up on good eats.  Things I can grab and go and not feel guilty about later.  And things I can indulge in.  Like sugar free toffee squares.  OMG.  They are the best!  Or the triple chocolate vita top muffins.  Or greek yogurt.  And who can forget the sugar free pudding cups!  I have a sweet tooth.  I found that I will eat a cookie if there isn't another option.  Yes, it isn't a good habit to eat eat eat, but I am trying to work on one habit at a time.  And the habit I am choosing today is not "just eating".  Just eat is eating because something is there in front of you.  Just eating is eating until you're comfortable, and then continuing to pick at your food until you are stuffed and can't move.  Just eating is mindless.  And just eating can be very mindful.  Its an oxymoron. 

I find that planning ahead in the way of snacks and go to foods should be my daily goal.  If I have options I tend to pick the "right ones" more often than not.

I have been eating everything in sight.  EVERYTHING.  Cookies, carbs, carbs, carbs, sugar, EVERYTHING.  If I saw something and I wanted it, I ATE IT.  So needless to say, I need to get back on track.  So tomorrow I have my first appointment with a new counselor.  She is a marriage and family therapist who has experience with eating disorders.  We'll see how this goes.  I have to figure out why I eat.  Why food is my comfort, and why I need a comfort in the first place! 

Some days I think being fat was a shield.  I didn't have to worry if my clothes weren't "just right" because no one was looking anyway.  If I didn't do my hair or makeup it didn't matter because no one was looking anyway.  I could wear whatever shoes I wanted because no one expected me to wear high heels, I might snap the heel right off!  No one saw me when I was fat.  No one did double takes.  No one was looking.  Now I get checked out.  Now I am 100% conscious of my behind and how flat it is.  I feel like I have to wear higher heels in order to "fit in".  And tighter jeans, and clothes that "fit".  WEIRD! 

Am I any less self-conscious than I used to be?  No.  Maybe more so!  Oh well, can't win em' all!

Today is a new day.

I have written before that I need to see a counselor.  Well, today is the day I truly have to get off my butt and get the referrals I need.  I am comfort eating. 

Things at home are crazy.  My two boys are making me want to pull my hair out.  Their behavior is a direct result of the way my husband and I discipline and react to them.  So the first counseling will include all four of us in hopes of finding new ways to work together as a family.  The second set ouf counseling sessions are going to be all about me.  For me, about me.

Today is a new day.