Jenci S.

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Compulsion - a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.

Wow.  Never actually looked up the meaning of compulsion before.  That is what my eating habits are.  A compulsion.  I eat a normal, healthy, well thought out meal, and then feel the compulsion to continue to eat.  Grabbing at whatever I can find, and then quickly stuffing it in my  mouth in the hopes of no one else noticing.  Then I feel guilty, but then AGAIN feel a compulsion to grab more.  I purposely wait until my husband goes out to smoke before I get up and snack/grab/sneak something more.  I get up in the ruse of clearing my plate from the table and eat whatever I can grab as I make my way to the sink.  My kid doesn't finish his dinner, so I clean his plate for him.  Nevermind the fact that I am not trowing it in the trash, but eating the remains as I take the plate to the kitchen.

I feel cheated when someone takes the last cookie.  My husband made four dozen cookies this weekend.  He proposed freezing half of them in hopes of keeping them from going bad.  I was against his suggestion.  For no other reason than I was being selfish.  I wanted the cookies fresh so I could grab and go whenever I wanted.  Plus the thought of "losing" half the cookies to the freezer was not appealing!  And not to mention the fact that I shouldn't be eating ANY sugar anyway.

My actions are mindless.  Unthoughtful.  And unhealthy.  I like the image I see in the mirror now, but the person inside that image hasn't changed from the woman she was before shedding 160 pounds.  For a while I was free.  I was content, I was excited about life, and I was confident.  Now I am back to being sluggish, resentful, and boring.  Not to mention angry.  Angry that gastric bypass surgery didn't "cure" me.  Angry that I am short with my boys.  Angry that I don't want to be more intimate with my husband.  Angry that I am unwilling to commit to successful, meaningful, fulfiling friendships with my family and friends.

I am trying to figure out how to let God lead.  I am trying to figure out how to give up my perceived control of my life, and let God take the reigns.  I am trying to figure out how to let God in.  Really let him in, hear his voice, and listen to his vision.  And I am struggling with acknowleging that I don't want to let God just have control of my eating, but also of my thoughts, my interactions with others, my perception of others, my willingness to love and be loved, my parenting, my love making, my education, my career, my driving habits, my communication with the people I love.  I can't keep putting God into a tiny box and ask him to only control that one portion, I have to let him control it all.  Give it all up.  Everything breath.  Every thought.  Every motion. 

My verse for today is "Renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed.  It may be that then your prosperity will continue."  Daniel 4:27

Well, my choices yesterday were better than they have been lately.  I am working on giving up my will to my Higher Power's will.  My Higher Power happens to be God.  About 10 years ago I was deeply involved in a local church.  Singing in choir.  Volunteering in the children's ministry, and spending the majority of my time with fellow Christians.  It was a fantastic time in my life.  Almost 7 years ago I became pregnant.  As an unwed woman, who had influence in her church I was seen as a pariah.  I was shunned but a lot of people at my church.  So I left.  And with leaving I allowed myself to leave God too.  Until now I have struggled to find my way back.  And when OA told me I needed to find and believe in a Higher Power I was unwilling. 

Now after a month and a half I have come to the realization that God doesn't have to be the same thing for everyone.  My God CAN help  me.  He DOES listen.  He is capable of LEADING me.  I have to be willing to hear his voice, see his signs, and not obscure them with my own wants and vision for my life.  I have to let go.  My willpower alone is not enough to make it through the day.  I have to give up my choices.  Also, I am committing to giving EVERYTHING up to God.  Not just my food choices, but my emotions, my thoughts, prayers, communications, interactions, etc.  EVERYTHING!

Ok, deep breath!  I can and will do this.  God can and will lead my life. 

Honesty is the word of the day.

An honest look at myself.  Answering the questions I have been avoiding.

Q: Have I gained weight?
A: YES.  I was down to 183.1, today I was 188.5

Q: Am I bringing "good" food to work in order to keep myself from grabbing what is available?
A: YES and NO.  I am bringing in good things, but I am also bringing in bad things.  Good=protein powder.  Bad=cookie.

Q: Am I grazing?
A: YES.  Grazing is my best friend.  I know I can't eat all I want in one sitting, so I grab something here, something there.

Q: Am I waiting 30 minutes after I drink fluids to eat anything?  Or vice versa, am I waiting 30 miuntes after eating to drink anything?
A: YES and NO.  I cheat.  I tell myself I can drink my shake in the morning, and "have" to add in some Kashii Go Lean in order to take my vitamins.  Other than that I am good at waiting before and after fluids and foods.

Q: Is every meal based around a lean protein.
A: NO.  Enough said, right?  I know what I should be eating, but I am not eating it.

Q: Am I getting enough fluids?
A: NO.  I had a routine down, it has since gone by the wayside. 

Q: Am I keeping my food log?
A: NO.  I am restarting it this morning.  Right after I finish this post in fact. 

Q: Am I doing ANY for of exercise?
A: YES and NO.  I doing one off stuff.  Nothing consistent.  I have enrolled in a 5K walk in April, and I am thinking I should enroll in more as an incentive to get moving!

Q: Am I sneaking food?
A: YES.  This was my biggest downfall before RNY surgery.  I would eat when no one was looking because I wanted to avoid their judgemental gaze.  I find myself doing it again.  But unlike before I can't simply ignore my behavior.  I feel guilty, and angry at myself for grabbing and going.

Q: Am I truly happy with my current behavior?
A: NO.  I am grouchier than ever.  More hidden / reserved / private than ever.  At first my weight loss was an open door which I happily / unresistently ran through.  Now it is a dark, empty, joyless room in which I hide. 

Q: Am I ready to ask for help?
A: YES and NO.  I am ready to, and have been, going to OA meetings.  I read the literature, and have started a work book.  But I am not willing to make the next step which is asking someone to be my sponsor, and then to the 100% honest with that person about my eating, and my physical exercise. 

Q: Am I willing to recommit to my blog?
A: YES.  Even if I have nothing to say, I need to get on here every day.  I need to connect with others who are/have struggled with the same things I am.  This is a healing / enlightening / challenging ritual I need to get back into.

Live for today.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."  Proverbs 3:5-6