Jenci S.

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It's so easy to say we can't do something.  I read something the other day that said, "If you don't even try, you've already failed."  Hot diggity. 

This weekend was a lesson in success.  I walked, for the 2nd year in a row, in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer stroll here in Sacramento.  I haven't been walking.  I haven't been exercising, at all.  But I completed the 5k, and was still able to make it another 1/2 mile from the finish line to a hot spot for breakfast.  I survived.  And I enjoyed it.  I am not sure if it was the idea of walking with all those people around me, or walking with my mom and being able to catch up, or just knowing that as of Saturday night, I was dreading having to get up and walk on Sunday, but I made it to the finish line and was thrilled to have been able to do so.

Two years ago walking in any sort of organized fashion was something I dreaded.  I could barely make it from the office to my car without being out of breath.  Now I can walk a 5k without breaking a sweat (well, it was an exceptionally nice day, hence no "real" sweat).  Working hard or hardly working? 

Anyway, I wanted to celebrate with you folks, you have given me a much needed lifeline, and I want to say thanks.  Here is a pic of me after I survived my 5k! :)

Do you remember being a little kid afraid to put your feet over the edge of the bed for fear that the monster under there would get you?  Were you afraid that a scary man was outside your bedroom window, just waiting to grab you as you were fast asleep?  Do you remember cringing the first time you walked into your high school, thinking everyone knew you were a freshman and that they all had plans to throw you head first in to a trash can the first chance they got?  Do you remember the heart racing dread you felt before your first job interview?  Now.  Do you remember surviving each of those experiences?  Do you remember an end of that dread? 

You're probably wondering where I am going with this.  Well, I am going to warn you now, I am not going to a happy place.  Each of those experiences and emotions ended.  Those fears were overcome, and are things from your past.  Having bypass surgery scared the crap out of me.  Not as much as continuing to gain weight did, but it scared me.  Knowing I almost died after having my second cesarean I went into bypass surgery filled with dread.  But I survived.  My surgeon had sure and steady hands, and I survived. 

Since that day I have been filled with a new dread.  The dread of gaining all the weight I have been losing back.  Every day is a battle, a struggle, a fight.  I thought it would get easier, but in truth, this journey has only gotten harder.  In the beginning your body does all the hard work, it tells you when you've had enough, and you have no choice but to listen, otherwise you end up paying tribute to the porcelain throne.  You drop weight when you blink.  You don't have to do anything.  Now, going on two years later I am up 10 pounds from my lowest weight and I am scared to death.  Scared that I can't do this anymore.  That who I am today isn't the real me, and that the real me is 365 pounds. 

I struggle.  Every day.  I am obsessed with food.  With what I can get my hands on and stuff in my mouth.  All the habits I was forced to learn at the beginning are gone.  I still curb my fluid intake before, during and after meals, but I don't eat slow enough, and I don't eat protein first.  I grab cookies and keep walking, thinking that if no one saw me, I didn't take it and eat it.  I crave things I can't have, and yet I still try to have them and end up paying the price by either throwing the excess up, or by having the runs.  My body is screaming for me to STOP, but I am not listening.  I am not listening to anything.  I eat to eat.  To eat.  To eat.  I am not sure I take joy in eating, I just want to stuff my face at any chance I get.  No rhyme, no reason, I just want food.

I guess today's post came from a place of self loathing.  And yet, it is also coming from a place of wanting to be honest with everyone on here who has been commenting on how great I look, and how well I've done, and how hard I must have worked, and who make it seem like my work is done.  My work is not done, no where near done.  There is still work to be done, and the work will continue till the day I meet my Maker.  Don't think just because you have gastric bypass surgery your life is now complete, perfect, fixed, or ideal.  It won't be.  Your weight is fueled by more than what you put in to your mouth.  I am not saying don't have the surgery, I am thankful every day for having had gastric bypass surgery, but I am saying, this isn't the end all, be all, this is the first step on a LIFE LONG journey.  And every day, every hour, every minute, every second could be a struggle.  It is for me.  But that doesn't mean it will be for you.  This journey is an individual one, it is different for everyone. 

This post isn't meant to scare you.  It wasn't meant to inspire you either.  It is just the cold, hard truth.  Anything in life worth having is worth working for.  A truth I hate, but embrace.  I have accomplished a lot, but I have so much more I want to do. 

Through this journey I have been made extremely aware of my eating habits.  Good and bad.  I have also been made extremely aware of my emotions.  They are off kilter, and uncontrollable.  I am not sure if it is because my body has changed or because my mind changed as it would have all along.  You know, the whole nature v nurture or who came first, the egg or the chicken. 

I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  One minute up and flying high, and the next sky diving into extreme boredom.  I happens at home, at work, on the road, everywhere.  One minute I am laughing and smiling and the next I am grouchy and frustrated.  You just never know.

Today is a sad day.  I am thinking it is sad because I am thoroughly aware of the fact that I am an adult.  I can't just go lay on my parents couch and watch TV.  I have responsibilities, and people who rely on me.  Today I want to crawl back home and into my bed, then cover myself with my comforter and sleep away the day.  Not an option.  I have work, kids, and a husband.

Today my emotions are out of control.

I think I am an out of control person.  My eating.  My emotions.  Out of control.  Insanity!  Not sure this has anything to do with my surgery, or just my personality.  Either way, it isn't going away.  I am out of whack! 

Sorry today's post wasn't uplifting.  And don't feel like you need to write to encourage me, I am going to keep on keeping on.  And don't think I don't know about the wonders of medications because I do.  In fact I am on anti depressants and mood stabilizers, they're just on vacation today.  :)

When thin people (AKA folks under 200 lbs) complained about needing to lose a few pounds I always rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, "Shut up, I have hundreds of pounds to lose, I don't want to hear about your 5."  I also found myself wondering how hard it could be to lose 5 frickin pounds?  Ok, to all those people out there who I rolled my eyes at, I am sorry!  But there is something you have to understand, when you weigh 350 pounds losing a few is as simple as changing the way you eat for a week.  SERIOUSLY, think about it, to maintain a weight of 350+ pounds you have to take in almost 3,000 calories a day, cut that by a third and you'll drop weight without even really trying.  Folks who maintain a weight under 200 pounds must take in fewer than 2,000 calories to maintain their weight (don't quote me on that, it all depends on your activity level and height).  So as a morbidly obese woman I could control my eating, not get any exercise and still lose weight.  As a onederland inhabitant I have to not only control my caloric intake, but also step up the exercise game, two things I don't enjoy doing, and haven't been doing.  Wow, I said it.  I have been out of control (enter the screamin' guitar rip here)!  Making the wrong choices, and stuffing my pouch instead of placating it.  AND, I am in a Breast Cancer walk this weekend for the American Cancer Society, and I haven't been walking!  Poop on me!  Good times!  Oh well, ODAT, One Day At a Time, right?  Today I will make my Starbucks buddy walk around the Convention Center with me, that is a start! 

Now on to my 300+ friends.  All I can say is THANK YOU!  This journey has been amazing, and each one of you has kept me going.  Knowing I have people out there who follow my blog and my progress helps to keep me on track, and I want to stay on track!  So keep following me, keep encouraging me, and above all, keep encouraging yourself!  You're worth it!