I am contemplating, and have discussed doing the 5 day pouch test.  In my mind it boils down to condensing my post op diet into 5 days.  Supposedly it helps you get over the carb cravings, and stop the constant snacking.  I am not 100% convinced that will be the case, but I do want to jump start losing again.

Last night I finally told my husband about my hair brained idea.  He seemed a bit skeptical, and asked why I was so focused on losing again.  That stopped me in my tracks.  WHY AM I SO FOCUSED ON LOSING?  And why so I have to set my loss goal so high?  I say I want to get down to 175 on my tracker, but honestly, losing 10-15 pounds at this point would make my clothes fit better, and make me more comfortable.  I didn't voice that to him because it took me writing this post to truly delve in to why I am not content where I am.

I know I will never be a picture perfect Victoria's Secret model.  BUT, I was much more comfortable in my skin when I was between 180 and 190.  So that is my goal.  1st to get back to 190.  Then to get back to 180 and stay in a holding pattern. 

Truthfully I am not waiting to begin my pouch test, every day this week I have brought my lunch, and protein filled snacks each day.  And rather than reaching for a snack I think about whether or not I've had enough water, and start there.  Baby steps. 

Like most things in life I didn't have real expectations of my end result of bypass surgery.  I didn't picture the flab, stretch marks, or pop corn skin.  I didn't realize that just because I was able to fit a smaller shirt around my stomach that it wouldn't necessarily mean my upper arms would fit (body may be smaller, and the arms might not be inflated w/fat, but there is still a ton of excess skin there).  I thought my flabby legs wouldn't become pop corn bags.  I "knew" my hair would fall out at some point, but didn't really believe it.  I was certain I would weight 150 pounds by the time I was done, and would stay there until the day I died.  I was sure that once I wasn't able to eat all the wrong foods that I would stop craving them, and would be able to stay away from them with no struggle.  I believed that because I was thinner I would have more drive, time, and motivation to hit the gym.  There is a lot of "if I had only known" in there.  Yeah, if I had known this was going to be SUCH a struggle I might have paused a little longer before going under the knife.  I might have thought a little longer, and prepared a bit more for the psychological struggle I was headed for.  But I didn't know.  And even though you're reading this, you don't really know unless you have actually gone through this experience.

Last night I watched TLC's My 600 Pound Life.  I watched a woman as she went into GB surgery, her recovery, two plastic surgery procedures, a struggling marriage, a miscarriage, and finally, a baby.  It was intense.  It was close to home.  No, I wasn't 600+ pounds, but I was closer to 400 than 300 when I finally went in for my surgery.  I saw this woman's excess skin, her layers of fat, her scars from both the bypass and the plastic surgeries.  I saw that she still had horribly disfigured legs because of all the damage those 600+ pounds had done to her skin.  There is no amount of plastic surgery that can truly turn back the clock on the damage we have done to our external and internal bodies.  About six months after her surgery she was down 200+ pounds and decided to fly to see her family.  She was still 400+ pounds and people stared.  I felt her mortification as she realized that she might be thinner than she had been in years, the fact was, to the rest of the world she was still hugely overweight.  After losing 200+ pounds she wanted to be more active, and tried to do things that were pushing her limits, and she failed, it was heart wrenching.  As her journey continued I was amazed to see she went through a phase about 2 years after her surgery where she was a patient liaison for her surgeons office.  She was down to around 150 pounds, and was an advocate and example of what it is to be a successful GBS survivor.  The show followed her for seven years, and throughout that time she rounded out her weight at 205, that was her holding point.  Through all of this they only give a small glimpse into her thoughts and feelings. 

Personally, I am absolutely terrified of gaining weight back.  I can't do it.  It is not an option.  I am holding at right around 200 pounds and am scared to death.  This is for my whole life.  I will always struggle with eating choices.  I will always struggle with body image.  I will always feel fat, even if I weigh 150 pounds.  How odd is that?  Don't get me wrong.  I feel better about myself than ever before, but there is no "end", no "Phew, glad that struggle is over."  I am always going to be oversensitive when people talk about weight loss, eating habits, or exercise.  Before having GBS my primary care physician discussed dieting with me.  I told him I had tried and failed at every diet I attempted.  I told him I didn't want to diet anymore.  He told me that I will never succeed if my answer is simply no.  If I say no to everything that nothing will work.  Simple enough concept, but I didn't get it.  I said no because I knew that no "diet" would be enough to get and KEEP me on track for the long haul.  This is when I found out two of my friends were having bypass surgery, and when I truly started doing my research. 

I knew going in to this that my pouch was a tool.  Not an end all, be all, mind altering wonder pouch.  But for some reason I didn't really know that.  Now, two years later I am looking at a slightly heavier version of myself that is more confident, more outgoing, more engaged and yet still not perfect.  In the end everything is up to me.  I choose what I put in my mouth.  I choose to get up off the couch.  I choose eat protein first (or not).  My pouch is a tool, it got me to where I am today, but I have to take control and use it properly and responsibly.  I want to be thin for the rest of my life.  I am moving forward, and will not look back.