Well.  After my trash compactor post I went further downhill.  Despite the amazing support and encouragement from all of you I couldn't shake what I was feeling.

My husbands job is still up in the air, and despite going to a counselor and psychiatrist for a while now I am thinking my current meds aren't working well.  I started a new one two weeks ago which is suppose to help with my outbursts of anger, but today was a rough one and I was a fire breathing mommy rather than a calm cool collected one.  Not the way I want to be.

For all of you who have asked, I have been seeing a counselor for over a year now.  I started seeing her because I didn't want to go back to the old Jenci, the one who stuffed her face constantly, and who hated herself inside and out.  She has been great.  I have admitted and opened myself up to things I never knew were inside.  I have been able to accept the changes happening to my body because of the weight loss and to allow myself to "adorn" my body accordingly.  (I used to steer clear of scarves, awesome jewelry, and clothes because I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I was fat).  As if being fat wasn't enough of an attention getter.  Yep.  Crazy.

I often marvel at how blind I was to my obesity.  I feel good now.  My weight isn't "ideal", but it is comfortable.  I used to hate seeing pictures of myself, and would always try to cut out the majority of my body.  Looking at myself in these two pictures is enough of a shock that I can't deny that I am doing well. 
  
Additionally, I went to the church I used to regularly attend (over 5 years ago), and a woman I was close to, a woman I sang in choir with walked right past me, said good morning and kept walking until I said "Joyce, it's Jenci".  She stopped, and almost cried as she embraced me.  She didn't recognize me.  And the grandparents of an ex-boyfriend of mine did the same thing, walked right past until someone else said my name and the grandmother was beside herself congratulating me on my weight loss.  I see myself as a failure at the moment, but everyone around me still views me as a success.  I have to hold on to that feeling, embrace the fact that I am / have been successful and walk-tall and move forward. 

Today was a good day to go to church, if nothing else I heard this, I am the one who controls my life, and I am the one who decides what goes in my body, I am the one who chooses good food or bad food.  And if I keep making the wrong decisions I have no one to blame but myself.  

One of the things I heard talked a lot about at OA was how our addiction is different from every other addiction / disease out there, no one can live without the thing we're addicted to, food.  We have to eat.  We can't simply avoid bars, or familiar places we go to get fixes, we have to go to the grocery store, we have to eat somewhere, sometime.  Food is always around us.  I think where we are similar to an alcoholic is that we have to make choices which steer us away from bars, or in our case, fast food joints, ice cream parlors, and trigger foods.  We have choices.  The trick is to make your brain accept your choice and realize that not eating that cookie won't signal the end of the world.  Food is more than a want, at least it should be, just because I want a cookie doesn't mean I need a cookie or two or three.  

Part of my getting back on track is going to have to come from realizing that I have a choice, food doesn't control me, I control it, and I control what goes in my mouth.  Impulse isn't an excuse.

That is what I have been for the last few weeks.

My husband found out he will be losing his job of nearly 10 years at the end of June.  Shock 1.  I have been officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I have been eating to wash it all away.  Not working too well.  Last week I busted the butt on a pair of corduroy pants.  YEP, the pocket seam just ripped straight down.  AWESOME.  AND, I grocery shopped with a whole in my pants, I keep telling myself that my jacket covered the rip, but God only knows (well, the people laughing and pointing might prove that theory wrong, just kidding).  And today, my pants are so tight that when I stand up I have to pull the legs down a bit so they are thoroughly bunched around my thighs.  And I have SUCK IT IN to button them.

Despite all these radical clothing issues I am still packing it in!  What is wrong with me?  Here's what is wrong with me: My brain.  My vast knowledge of how to cheat my pouch.  That nagging voice that says "protein first" that I keep ignoring.  My lack of motivation.  UGH.

I am a hot freaking trash compacting mess.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I know I need to get back on track, but I can't stop eating, snacking, stuffing, grabbing.  I see it, I need it.  I can't walk away.  I am supposed to be a positive influence, but today, this week, last week, I have been nothing but a poster child for doing everything you're not supposed to do! 

Maybe admitting my shortcomings, and pitfalls will help me drag my ass out of the mire and move on.  We shall see. 

Ok.  I had to check in today to let everyone know today was day 3 of smothies!  And it was pretty good.  Spinich!  YEP, I added in spinch, blueberries, frozen grapes, greek yogurt, honey, milk and ice.  It was fantabulous!

And today my bestie and I took my boys to Fairytale Town.  We walked there.  1/2 mile there, 1/2 mile back, and all the walking around the park.  So today was a good day when it came to keeping on track.  WOO HOO for me.  I hope your Saturday was equally awesome.  Cheers. 

For the last year + I have been getting a Frapp from Starbucks with my protein added.  Before giving in I thoroughly researched the caloric amount and sugar content of each type of frapp and chose to go with Grande Coffee Frapp Lights.  For the longest time that was all I did.  But you know Starbucks, they like to throw a wrench in the mix and offer fancy holiday flavors, and I found myself adding in flavored syrup (they weren't SF, so don't even ask).  And then this winter they started the Salted Caramel Mocha Frapp.  Yep.  YUM!  I never have whip, NEVER.  But when they ask if I want the topping of the caramel and salt/sugar, I always said yes.  And to be honest again, I moved up from a Grande to a Venti.  I always added in the protein, but let's be honest, that doesn't compensate for the sugar and calories.  Lately I have been cutting back and have gone back to Grandes, and I only order the Mocha Frapp light or the Coffee Frapp light, but really, I am not doing myself any favors.  Not to mention the money!  (Truth be told that isn't even that much of a factor because there is a Starbucks in the building I work in and we own it and employees get discounts).  Now let's bring that all back around...today is a new day...before leaving the house I threw a scoop of vanilla protein powder into the blender, added 3/4 cup Greek yogurt, 1/2 a banana, 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup milk, 1 tablespoon of honey, and a handful of ice, and wham, protein shake w/HEALTHY ingredients that I put together myself.  And it doesn't taste that bad!  And to be honest, I have a new idea for tomorrow's smoothie!  Coffee (yes I know, I shouldn't drink that either), chocolate protein powder, 1/2 banana, Greek yogurt and MAYBE some peanut butter!  We'll see.  For now I am happy to have made a new, better for me choice to start my day.  How is your day going?

Well.  I changed my weight on here to 198.5.  My lowest was 181.7 on April 22, 2011.  I didn't post a weight update after that until January 17th of this year when I admitted to weighing 191.1.  Today I admitting to a total of 198.5.  That seems to be a gain of 7.4 pounds in 7 weeks (not good, but certainly not out of control).  BUT, that isn't the entire truth.  Less than two weeks ago I was up to 204.9 (now that is a gain of 13.8 in roughly 5 weeks)!  Out of Onederland and at rock bottom.  I do distinctly remember blogging once that I had entered Onederland and had no intention of ever leaving again.  So much for that!  I left.  It was awful.  Pitiful.  Painful.  Embarrassing.  I kept telling myself it was only a few pounds.  Nothing major.  YEAH RIGHT.  Who am I kidding?  I never reached my "goal", how can I say gaining ANYTHING was OK?  I just kept thinking, "It's only a number, it doesn't matter."  But truth be told, it does! 

Last week I finally admitted to my best friend that I had gained some weight.  She pretty much said, "Yep, I know."  Well, she didn't actually say that, but she did say she felt like I was too thin at 181.7, and had noticed I had gained a few pounds, but she thought I looked good where I was.  She in turn asked me if I felt comfortable where I am, or if I felt better thinner.  I thought about it, and honestly, I felt my best hovering between 185 - 190.  I also told my husband about the weight gain, once again, he might as well have said "Yep, I know."  But instead he reassured me that he loves me and is attracted to me at any size.  (He couldn't quite understand why I wanted to continue to lose weight, but he said that if I did want to lose weight that I should set realistic goals like 5 pounds.)

Well I wasn't comfortable with me at any size.  I don't want to hover around 200 pounds.  I want to be safely grounded in Onederland, at least 10 pounds away from Onederland.  That is where I felt my best.  And that is where I am headed, my first goal was 5 pounds.  I stayed away from the scale, and bam, I am down 6.4.  Now I want to lose 3.6 more.  That will give me 10 pounds gone.  From there we'll see.  But right now, I am handle 3.6!  Baby steps.  (Some of those baby steps have simply included getting outside more, the weather is helping too!)

Now, all that positivity aside, let's be realistic.  The scale lies, and the scale bounces, and the scale is variable.  I may have not gone #2 in a few days, my weight is up.  I may have drank too much water, not enough water, etc, and my weight is up.  They key is to not weight yourself EVERYDAY.  I used to be obsessed.  I wanted to weight myself every morning and see that scale drop and drop and drop.  Well, once you get past 18 months that isn't the case.  You have to wean yourself off the scale and have realistic expectations of yourself and your progress.  3.6 is realistic, and a goal I know I can reach!

So I find myself at home today with a sick 3 year old.  He's napping, I am folding laundry and watching "My 600 Pound Life" again.  Today I am watching Donald's Story.  I literally just started it and I am already crying.  His father loves him so much, and I can tell he feels so helpless.  He is watching his son die.  And all he wants is for his son is to have a normal life.  I am crying because I am sure my parents felt the same way.  I am sure they watched their daughter go through life without really living it.  

I didn't realize I wasn't living life.  I didn't realize how much I was missing.  I was married, I had two beautiful boys.  I had a job.  What wasn't I doing?  I had a life.  

No.  I didn't have a life.  I would get to work, and I wouldn't leave my desk.  I would sit there all day.  Now I am up multiple times a day walking around, getting out of the office.  I am abe to get up and go whenever I need to, and it has helped in my career.  I work at the Convention Center, and I am able to walk around our facility as needed without stressing about the walk.  When someone calls for something I don't stress or try to pass the duty on to someone else, I just get up and go.  Sometime I don't stop and appreciate that, but it is an accomplishment.

I enjoy getting outside with my kids.  I actually WANT to take them to the park, or even on a walk around the block.  Amazing!  We took them to Disneyland last month and I didn't stop.  I kept up with the boys and then some!  Accomplishment!  

I have to keep this up.  I have to keep this momentum going.  But sadly enough, the momentum seems lost.  I am out of control!  I eat.  A lot.  I eat.  All the time.  And I eat horrible things.  AHHHH.  Half the chanllenge of changing your behavior is admitting what you're doing wrong.  Sugar.  Sugar.  Sugar.   Carbs.  Carbs.  Carbs.  

AND there is something wrong with my head.  I don't quite know how to describe it.  It is spinning.  A lot.  I am wondering if I am dehydrated.  I am wondering if I am getting enough protein.  I am calling my PCP right now to see if I can get an appointment with my surgeon (he is outside my network, and I only had authorization through year one), as a follow up on my progress and to get a full blood panel done.  

I guess it is hard to recognize all the things you're doing right when you just don't "feel" right.  I do know I need to get eating back on track, and up my fluids.  Baby steps.  Eat less, drink  more.