Jenci S.

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It isn't depression.  I don't know what it is.  I have been on a journey to correct and find the right meds for my brain, and I am thinking I am on the wrong path.  My doc increased one med on Friday, and decreased another, I am not doing well.  That is putting it mildly.  I am really not doing well.

Monday I had a breakdown.  I screamed, screamed, screamed at my kids.  Especially the 3 year old.  He doesn't listen, saying he is stubborn is being nice.  I lost it.  And this isn't the first time.  I have no patience, for anyone, for anything.  I spent Monday in bed sleeping and crying, it was awful.  Yesterday morning I tried getting dressed and didn't even have the patience to squeeze / wiggle my ass into a pair of pants that should have fit.  I gave up, and put on a pair of wide leg khakis and went on with my day.

My brain is out of whack.  It has been out of whack since I was 14 years old.  I go back in to see the psychiatrist today, and then the counselor after that.  It is going to be a long, exhausting day.  One I am not looking forward to.  But I needed to check in here, let everyone know I am still kicking.

I know I will overcome this set back, but at the moment I have a long journey out of this neverending pit. 

Ok, I have been waiting for this day...400 friends on OH!

I can't believe it.  I have 400 people on here to share my journey with, THANK YOU!

That was it.    Doing the happy dance, and the  "They love me, they really love me" chant!

Happy Wednesday.

Everyone is different.  I have posted about this before.  But today I can't help but touch on it again.  I am always amazed at the myriad of jobs out there.  And how there is someone out there to fill each and every one.  When I first stated on OH I sought out the "success" stories because I just knew I would be that person.  The one wearing a size 4 and loving every second of it.  I just knew that my stretch marks would disapear, and the excess skin holding all my fat in would shrink back on it's own.  I was certain I would start working out and want to work out without any extra effort on my part.  I knew I would be bikini worthy within two years, well that or a Victoria's Secret supermodel.    All of that of course meant that my legs and calves, two things I have never been in love with, would miraculously sculpt themselves, and those veins would melt away.  Yep.  That was going to be the new me.

Two years later I stand a much thinner, healthier, and generally happier woman.  I am not however a true success story, I don't eat completely right, I don't excercise, and I am not a size 4.  I still have stretch marks, in fact they're more pronounced than before because it is almost like they created a seam of sorts in which the stretch skin retreated and puckered in between the non stretch marked skin.  I don't have sculpted Giselle worthy legs, in fact I have jiggly elephant legs.  It is awesome.  I have those awful wavy upper arms which are like giant slabs of fatty stretch mark beef.  Once again, awesome!  I have to wear what I like to call a "suck-it-in-slip".  It is one of those torso shapers that lets you wear your own bra, I can't live without it.  But let me tell you, my shoulders pay the price, they're achy from wearing not only an over the shoulder boulder holder, but a shaper on top of that.  Needless to say, between my multi strap bra situation, and my beef slab arms I don't wear tank tops unless I have a cardigan on top.  Oh, and last but not least, I will never be strutting my stuff along side Heidi Klume and Giselle on the annual Victoria's Secret Angel Show.  Yeah, not happening.

All that being said, did you notice I put in there that I am a generally happier woman than before?  Yep.  I can buy clothes in any store I walk in to (well except Lane Bryant and Catherine's, but that isn't a bad thing).  I am more willing to "jazz" up an outfit and draw attention to myself (at least this happens in my minds eye) by adding a bright scarf or funky jewelry.  Don't get me wrong, I see a counselor every week to keep me from going completely crazy.  And as I have mentioned before I take prescription antidepressants and am now on an additional medication for another mental condition I was diagnosed with a couple of months ago (I also see a psychiatrist once a month for that).  So yeah, things aren't all cherib cheeked babies burping rainbows, but they're significantly better.  I don't have to think about whether or not I can make it when a co-workers invites me to lunch and the chosen restaurant is 8 blocks away.  Or when I decide to take my boys to the play ground or to an amusement park, I just go, I don't stress about how much walking it will entail.  Or when I go to the store and the only parking is in the back of the lot, it is no big deal, I park and I walk in!  There are so many things to be disapointed with, but there are so many more things to be excited about.  It is a give and take, and a minute by minute choice.

Also, I realized I hadn't shown you guys this AWESOME pic of me and Lady Antebellum at a meet & greet event on March 29th.  I only had one meet and greet pass but I did it, I went into the unknown by myself and survived.  Before now I would have let my weight keep me from having an awesome time.  I would have been too self conscious, and would have let my obesity keep me from experiencing a once in a life time accoustical performance by an amazing trio of muscians.  Without further ado, here is the pic.  I love it!

Today's post is a huge shout out to OH, and all of you.

THANK YOU!  I always know I have a resource available to me if I am willing to explore, reach out, and absorb.  Obesityhelp.com has been a lifesaver.  A source of inspiration, advice, knowledge, and a safe haven when I just needed a place to vent.  I love it here!

I have always loved writing.  I am way better at writing down what I want to say than actually speaking the words out loud.  OH has given me a voice in a world of people who have had similar experiences, or who will have similar experiences, and I am so thankful for this voice.  When I've had a bad day and can't stop beating myself up I come here, let it all out, beat myself up one last time, and voila, my anger and frustration with myself are released and I feel 10 times better.  And then throuhout the following 48 hours I get little notes and well wishes from folks on here, and I am able to futher let go of my self-hatred.  It is an amazing process.

So thank you OH.  And thank you, each and every one of you, who read, absorb, and sometimes reply to my blog.  I love you all!

Apparently I have reached my maximum photo upload limit.  SOOOO, I added some public albums to my Google+ account, you can check them out here http://tinyurl.com/7uvl3ka.

Here are a few of the pics posted there:
 

I live in sunny California, problem is, it hasn't been too sunny lately!  We've had sun for a hot second, and then downpours!  My getting out and about has been limited.  But today I just did it.  It was a bit brisk, but once in the sunshine it was warm, and I walked.  I walked, and walked, and walked around Capitol Park, 45 minutes of walking.  It felt wonderful.  It freed my mind, and I was able to just walk. 

That was my accomplishment for today.  I walked.  What is yours??