I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I do know you are not a failure. You see what is happening and you are seeking help. I believe you can overcome. You are stronger than you know. I will keep you in my prayers.
B

I know about depression/anxiety - so true you are not alone. I just wanted to point out that most people do get some "bounce back" weight. 20 pounds is not the end of the world - you will be ok. Take care of yourself - when you are ready to tackle the 20 pounds, you will still have your tool. Keep coming here for support - you mean a lot to us! (((HUGS)))

I feel like all I can offer is a cyber hug but want to acknowledge that your struggle has been witnessed, you are not alone.

Breathe, and breathe again. Don't let past slips live in your head rent free. And don't throw out your skinny clothes, you can succeed again because you have in the past.

Go back to the beginning ... start over.

Blargh, it all sounds a little trite, especially coming from a stranger but ... hang in there.

*hugs*

you are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not that abused little girl anymore who had no choices. You have a choice now and you made a good choice by posting here. I wish you peace, love and healing. You haven't failed...you are just stumbling and need a hand to lift you back up. Don't give up please.

Have you tried God? Yes, Jesus, Our Creator. Life is full mishaps and failures. But, when we pray and trust God; we can deal with situations knowing there's someone who knows it all and love us unconditionally. I recommend Joyce Meyer's books, she has experienced similar situations and she speaks and writes about it freely. She's a great speaker a real person.

I hope all gets better for you and know you are not alone, don't be so hard on yourself.

I hope you are getting the mental help you need. At the 2 year mark I gained 10 pounds. Bam!! It seemed like it happened overnight. Lost them and 5 more. Hang in there!!

Oh Jenci, I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for over 25 years, and for me, understanding depression and anxiety was half the battle. I also had to accept that even if the problem is above the neck, it is very much an illness, not all in my head as society would have me believe.

Its only 20 pounds Jenci. How many pounds did you lose after surgery? You are NOT a failure. Can you think of anything that could help your behaviour to change? I don't know what your answer is, but I hope you find it.

Jane

I too am sending you cyber hugs. Remember you took the first step to get help. It might not happen overnight but you will get that weight off and praying that you can battle your depression and anxiety and get it all under control.

Prayers for you dear friend. I hope you one day have the ability to see how beautiful you are inside and out. You are special, successful and you can do anything you set your mind to. Give yourself time to heal from the recent memories,but please do not give the power to the abuser. YOU are in control of you now-no one else.

Hugs.

i deal with the depression and abuse issues as well however keep your head up keep seeking counseling and stay focused on the positive journey that you have been on you are not a failure you are a conqueror you can regroup and keep pressing forward 1 day at a time. praying for you

Well you have made the 1st step, and yes it might be a baby step but there are more to come. During my life I have been in a rehab and even tried to kill myself and almost succeeded. If it had not been for a good friend I would not be here today and that was 10 years ago.
I to was abused by the person that helped baby-sit me for 8 years. My family loved this family and had no idea that this was happening. I have been overweight since I have been 12 years old and believe that was my trigger to staying safe.
I just recently was sleeved and starting to lose the weight and having a difficult time in just eating and drinking protein. You are never alone here! All of us have had some similar things happen to us during our years that actually caused the weight gain.
So hold your head up high and take those baby steps because you will made it back to where you once were!

Wow. You and I have the same trials. With only 2 two differences. One, when I do binge, I mostly binge on vegetables (grape tomatoes and baby brussel sprouts) and fruits. Two, I haven't had the courage to get help, like you have. I commend you for your bravery. I can tell that you are a survivor, and that through all of your efforts you are going to prevail. I will keep you in my prayers sweetheart.

Wish I was closer by... so we could chat face to face. God speed!

Jenci, we all have our struggles. You are so brave to reach out for help and you are generous to tell others of your struggles. This helps us who are struggling with whatever issues drive us to eat/eat/eat. Not all concerns are as dramatic as abuse, but we all struggle, if we are truthful. You are in our prayers and we are wanting you to find your way out of this dark place back to the light and back to the sanity and peace of quiet, healthy, clean eating. God bless you, OH friend! Sheila

Jenci,
I think you are amazing. I have been working on what has gotten me to the weight I am at. I know I use food to solve every problem. But the truth is I don't solve anything, I just cover it with the momentary "feel good" or "numbness" of eating. I have found a way to overcome to problem. It takes just as much work as everything else, but the difference is with God i know he will take care of everything.

by the way...take a while and get out stop looking in the mirror or at your picture...after a while when you look at it you will realize how amazing you still look!!!

Always remember that it will never be as bad as it was. Always remember that now you are safe.

I'm sorry you are going thru this but so proud of you for seeking help and following thru with it. I know depression intimately and have a past that includes sexual abuse.

You are a beautiful woman with a bright, happy future. Keep taking care of your mental health and the rest will follow.

Please drop a line if you ever need to chat!

I have been sitting here typing and typing, and can't seem to say to you that I know what your going through. I am trying to turn thos memory's into saying it's head hunger...and I CAN control head hunger
am trying to change my thinking, I don't want that memory in the best part of my life...They can't have/invade/steel it from me

sis'ta stand tall ... start laughing, get out of the kitchen too...get bubble wrap and start popping...
(modeerf = freedom)

I was abused by my father. Your story sounds so familiar. I have no solution for you because, if I did, I would apply it to myself. What I can say is never give up hope. My surgery gives me hope. I've gained 5 pounds after being on maintenance for 6 months and at times I feel out of control. But I believe I can lose it because I know others have succeeded. I believe you can do it. My advice: treat yourself with the love and compassion that you would show to me.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! You took the first step by recognizing that you had a problem and the second step by seeking help. I too am struggling with depression and anxiety (on 2 different meds). At one point it was so bad that I had to take a medical leave form work for 2 months. I have been in therapy and since I was sleeved in April and losing the weight that I have hidden behind for so long, I have to go more often because of all my fears coming back about being sexually abuse by someone who raised me as his own child. It is hard...but it does get better..talking it out helped me realize that it was not my fault...it will do the same for you. That book "The Courage to heal" is good..I have been reaing it for a couple of weeks now; sometimes I have to put it down and take a step back when things hit too close to home but we all need to do that every once in a while. Watching that movie "Precious" made me cry and it made me mad..but I watched it which was a positve step for me. You cannot let your abuser win! You have to take back your power to be you...to acheive anything you set your mind to! Sorry for the long post but this is so close to what I went through that I am getting pissed of and tearing up. If you like you can add me as a friend and we can talk more. Keep you chin up...be proud of who you have become in spite of it all..be proud of taking those steps to healing. *hugs hugs hugs*

Bablot33

Brain chemistry is a bitch -- but there is much research that shows it can be changed and not just by medication. In order to change it, however, you have to change what you are ingesting. I have no clue how to step off the treadmill, since I have been there and am struggling myself. Carbohydrates sit in the same pleasure center in the brain as cocaine. Someone has to help you stop - it's incredibly difficult to do alone. Can you talk to your counselors about putting in a safety plan around eating? You have to come off the carbs for you to be able to see the light. Right now, you are drugged.

You are soooo not alone and you are ABSOLUTELY NOT A FAILURE!!!!! That is your new mantra, ABSOLUTELY NOT A FAILURE!!!! How so, you may ask? Here is why: You recognized you had a problem. Some people can't even do that. Next you did something about it. Some people won't do that, they'll just whine about it. Even though you did something about it you realized it wasn't working and rather than doing the same thing over with no acceptable result you didn't give up and just go crazy and destroy your family or yourself, you went and sought out more help. That my friend, takes alot of gumption! Especially when we keep in mind that you did this while debilitatingly depressed! Thats like doing everything while stuck in cold molasses. So kudos to you!!!! That is a really big deal, accept it for what it is. Don't downplay your accomplishments. About your food. Let's recognize your eating for what it is right now, it is the way you have learned to comfort yourself. And girl, you are dealing with some scary scary scary ass shit right now! The whole abuse thing is alot to deal with. Same thing happened to me so I can relate. Compare your recent gain with the total weight you've lost since surgery. Put that in perspective. Right now the last thing you need is to beat yourself up over your food. Forget about the food for right now. You are dealing with so much stuff right now that has the potential to destroy your mind of course you are eating, you are doing your best not to lose it completely, and eating is helping you do that.
Your mind is chaotic right now and it will show in your physical self, either you will get sick or you will gain but when your head is in order your body will follow it there too and you will lose again. Just be good to yourself. Your body has been your best friend. You have abused it and it still has served you. It has functioned to the best of it's abilities even though you have filled with the worst fuel. Give it a break. Work with it and don't hate it, it's been with you always no matter what's happened to it and it has always tried to bounce back to serve you.
Analogies work for me and this is what I see. Your house was a mess and you cleaned it but only the parts you used all the time. Now you are ready to clean out the basement and you just realized there are some things in there that you didn't expect to find. I don't know about you but when I clean I actually make a mess while cleaning. This is what's happening with you. You can't clean out an entire basement in a day not pay the consequences (being bone tired and needing days off to recuperate) which is what I think you're trying to do and not understanding why you are gaining or not keeping control of your eating. Something's got to give sweetie. Most overeaters have problems with instant gratification. If that is you then your in for a rude and rough ride. Forget trying to clean the house AND the basement and cook and watch the kids all at the same time. Little bits at a time girl, and not everything is going to be perfect all of the time. It takes time, practice and sometimes a cleaning lady/friend to help out.
You will be all right because you are a fighter. You are a scrappy, tough, ferociously loving, incredible woman. You are a survivor and you have courage to keep on trying. Remember that courage isn't about not being afraid, it's about doing what you need to in spite of being terrified out of your mind. That's courage. You have it. I am nobody you know but I admire you for your honesty, sincerity, what you have accomplished so far, and more than anything your courage to keep trying. Good job! and more than anything, you are ABSOLUTELY NOT A FAILURE!!!!!! God bless you my friend.

Like everyone who comment it's hard to respond to your post! I guess because to be honest I too am in the same boat! I am having surgery in three weeks and I have struggled with the same issues for years and years! Take it from someone on the outside looking in I went and peaked at your before and after photos and u have come along way! You look phenomenal seriously ! You are so off focused (understandable when u fall off the wagon) however, try to focus on just maintaining where you r right now!! Forget the 20 lbs! That's nothing compared to what u have dropped so far! Forget dieting maybe focus on working out and firming up right where u are (weight wise) maybe this is the last stop(for now) who knows? We are not God! Maybe this is the weight where u need to be right now at this time in your life! You are still a whole lot better than where u were! Your perfect in my eyes and I'm sure everyone would agree to what I'm saying. It's you that needs to stop being so hard on yourself and accept yourself just the way you are! Be strong! Know that God created you and he did a great job ! God don't make junk!

You did exactly what our support group leader said to do. We were advised to seek help once you began to gain weight because it is more likely that you will get back on track after gaining 20 pounds vs. 100 pounds! Also, have you tried Overeaters Anonymous?

Ohhh girl. Like I tell my daughters, you've never failed until you've given up...and you haven't.

My band failed, the plastic tail wrapped around my liver and I almost died. For what? Weight loss? Really? I'm 90 pounds of bone. My children cry when they see me. THIS is not life. You and I both know that.

I am familiar with abuse. OMG. So I know if I can make it, so can you. You are on the right track, and there is a lot more to live for than being the "right fking (yes I mean fking) weight.

I'm sure you are loved, and love back. You are a good person, you care, are creative, thoughtful.

You got everything you need girl. Go get em! Let this be about a healthy mind and life. Not 20 pounds.

Much love! Christi

Prayers for you, glad you are getting help. Really agreed with sandpen post, think you should read it daily. God bless you. One day at a time, One day at a time, one hour at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes that is all we have to do. You are strong woman, getting help and you will make it!