I'm back :o)

Jul 18, 2011

Wow- it is amazing to me how I logged in here @ OH right at one year ago and haven't hardly been back since. I haven't reread any of my previous updates so if I repeat anything here, sorry. I am going to type from where I am right now. What is it about the summer that makes me reflect so much on how far I have or have not come? Maybe because I don't work in the summer (at an outside job, but I do work even harder at being a Mom to our 10 year old son, Robby). I work in a school, so I only go to work during the school year.

I have got to refocus. I have got to get healthy. This is NOT at all where I saw myself years down the road, as I approached RNY surgery in March 2007. I fantasized while glaring at the before & after photos of others who had gone before me & had great success. I knew I had always sabotaged myself and struggled with following through on anything I had done, but I felt that this was fool proof and that I would pretty much reach my goal weight or at least get close to it.  I would just have to work at maintaining it, once I got there.

I couldn't have been any more wrong than that. My journey would be different. I don't know why. I have heard people say that they feel their surgeon didn't "bypass" them enough? I didn't know it was a choice or an option to bypass someone more or less. Besides, I LOVE my surgeon, Dr. Lord, and he did his part. Could he have bypassed me more? Maybe...I am not qualified to say why he did things the way he did. I trusted him. It would not be fair to blame my failure on him. I have to own it.

How did I get here? I set myself up for failure from the beginning. I quit measuring my food. I didn't exercise. I started drinking & eating things I shouldn't. I started drinking with my meals. Not a lot at first, just sips. I felt as if I couldn't do it without drinking water or something. I gave in, instead of staying to what I knew I needed to do.

I had surgery about a month or so after my sis in law and we walked the journey together. She had a lot less to lose and lost it faster. She was also more determined. All of that made me feel like I had failed even more. I never got under 200 lbs and barely got into her size 18's. I pretty much stayed in sizes 20/22. I have a big stomach & wear a big bra. So when everyone else in the support group who had surgery around the same time was shrinking and getting to shop in "regular" sized clothes, reaching onederland, etc... I was struggling. I looked better than I did when I started. I lost a total of 90 lbs. Who wouldn't look better? However, it wasn't where I thought I would be. I hit a stall @ about 8 months and stayed there until a year or so later when I started gaining some of the weight back. The lowest I got was from 298/300 down to 208. Right now I weigh 239. That fluctuates 5lbs both ways as most females know.

I bought Biggest Loser Challenge for the Wii. Did it 1 day, full force & haven't done it again. I don't have the wii board & was waiting till I could buy one... why? Because it would be more accurate. DUH- wouldn't doing it be better than not at all??? I started walking with my brother, sis in law (a different one) and nieces/ nephews/ son. We were doing really well, walking at least 3 days a week, 30 mins a day- then the weather got bad. It rained so much every day at the same time we were going to walk. So instead of walking we played games & snacked. DUH- why??? Because it was easy.

So, where to go from here? I haven't been back to my surgeons office. Never went back for my one year check up. Just decided not to go after reports from other patients came back saying they didn't do anything but weigh you & log your visit. I couldn't really afford the copay right at that time. Since then our med insurance has changed and just started this month. I have a deductible and cannot afford to go right now either. Not an option.

I am downloading Fitness Pal onto my phone. I am going to make a conscious decision to quit drinking before during & after my meals. I want to add in a protein shake or two a day. Start taking my vitamins... start walking, etc...I have great intentions, now can I follow through??? We will see!

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