Musings and Health Updates

Apr 28, 2011

I sit here in my new "small" shirt and wonder if vanity sizing has attacked again. Had someone handed me a "small" shirt this time last year I'm not sure if I would have punched them or laughed hysterically or both. I certainly would not have gotten in it and I most definately would not be swimming in it. Am I smaller than I realize? Am I smaller than small? I weigh 130 pounds, which is 100 less than last year, so yeah, kinda a big deal. I wear size two, last year I was wearing 20's and wishing my pre-pregnancy 13's fit again. I still have two chins though, I just don't post those pictures. My shoulders are bony, as is my chest and hips. but my thighs jiggle. my belly is getting hard and firm, but it still seems to stick out further than it should. Maybe correcting my posture will help me deal with that part.

I'm not really complaining. I'm also not bragging. I'm just confused with that whole perception I have of my body. I know I've done well. I work out daily, I eat well until the sun goes down, I've been free of insulin for over 9 months, my blood sugars run in the 70's now. When they used to hit 70 I was scrambling for a snack! Now I just feel... normal... and PROUD, yes, here is the pride. It's not in the ever changing clothing sizes that you don't know what is real in America anymore. It's not the scale because even as I am apparently small boned and small framed, I am quite muscular. In fact I don't think I can wear below a two in pants because my calf muscles are too big to fit comfortably. While my thighs jiggle, they are also quite defined. My arm muscles are great and really got defined as my arms shrank. Barely and jiggle there. My boobs are empty and have to be folded into a bra very carefully else others will see the folds and looseness. I have never been small breasted, this is a very alien feeling for me. The measurements are a nice external measure of success, but I don't take them as frequently as I used to. I've met and surpassed most of my goal inches. My body fat is now 20.4% which is pretty awesome, in my opinion.

My liver enzymes are steadily coming down, I have to retest in 4 weeks. I've started taking milk thistle even though it makes me want to die. I bought the liquid form because I have issues with those clear capsules (they get stuck in my throat). I feel like I am drinking allergies! Freaking dandelion flavored! Ugh. Whatever it takes, right? That was my motto going into WLS. Whatever it takes to get healthy, I will do. Flavor will not hold me back! But Gods I HATE it!

Some obsessions of mine are listed below:
Bento Boxes! I've been using these since soft food (delay in delivery, I wanted for puree)
Spaghetti Squash, made a lasgna casserole out of this last night, found a recipe for a dessert made from it
P28 has given me back bread items
Kashi protein and fiber!
Flax Seed Meal! So many uses! I made bread, crackers, and cookies with it, also use as a breading when mixed with parmesan cheese or inside meatballs, tuna patties, etc
Matrix Perfect Chocolate and Mint Cookie are awesome protein powders! I also really like the Nectar Roadside Lemonade and Pink Grapefruit. Recently started the ProStar Cookies and Cream since it's designed for pre/post work out lean muscle building.
DaVinci syrups! Cookie Dough is great in chocolate, mint cookie, and cookies and cream! I bought strawberry for hubby to make italian soda with, he loves it! we have about 10 bottles of different flavors
Capella drops, flavor drops without sweetener, just flavor, also their flavet drops which ARE a sweetener
SweetLeaf Liquid Stevia, just add to water (or tea)
Mio, berry pomegrante is the only one I've tried so far and it's freaking awesome! no more spilled half packets of powder in my purse! no more sneaky 20 calories per packet of the powdered junk either! yeah sure 20 calories ain't much, but when you drink 3 of them a day... i'd rather spend those 60 on something more awesome, thank you!
TVP: textured vegetable protein is awesome. it's cheap and easy and can be used in place of meat (specifically ground turkey in my diet)
Edamame, frozen and dry roasted. Been using it in stirfry, or just baking with powdered ranch and parmesan cheese (tastes like french fries!). we also keep a container of dry roasted on hand, whole family loves them and they are a great snack to keep in your purse, gym bag, car, etc
Focus28 products... I was on a pudding kick, not a lot of protein in them... I switched to focus 28 protein puddings and other things and they are actually tasty. they are a system like medifast, only cheaper and tastier IMO but I use them just to supplement not to lose more weight.
Throat Coat for kids... to be fair I think I would be simply happy with marshmallow root tea (am currently hunting for a cheap one) I had no idea such a thing existed. My boss told me to get the throat coat when i was sick, i got the kids version because it was the only one i saw at the store. it tastes like liquid hot marshmallow without the sugar, it's awesome! need to find marshamallow tea for daily consumption. Found out marshmallow root has many amazing properties such as being a natural anti-inflammatory, it lowers blood sugar, it keeps your insides lubed up :P is a great thing
Okay, that's enough for now, I need a bathroom break and to get some work done :)
3 comments

Lasagna? Preposterous you say? think again!

Apr 27, 2011

10 comments

Plug for P28 Bread and Recipe Ideas

Apr 26, 2011

P28 protein bread AND bagels! I know that the bread is freaking fantastic, I haven't gotten the bagels yet, but I plan to. It has a touch of cinnamon to it, so it could influence what you do with it (not so much me, I've been craving cinnamon lately)

I've learned I can still eat things because of this bread! Here are a few things I thought I'd have to give up forever, but now know I CAN eat it, just about a half slice :)

French Toast!
*semi-traditional with egg whites, vanilla extract, cinnamon, nutmeg
*decadent- top with pudding and blueberries (or other fruit, and I use the Focus28 protein puddings, mostly)
*higher protein- top with cottage cheese and strawberries

Toast!
Grilled Cheese!
Tuna Melt!
Peanut butter and jelly! (or PB2 and fruit and yogurt spread for me)

Bagels... I'm envisioning bagel pizza....
20 comments

hear ye! hear ye!!

Apr 25, 2011

i now own 2 husband approved bikinis for this summer!

that is all

husband approved= he thinks i look freaking hot!!!!!!!!!!!!
8 comments

Family Updates

Apr 25, 2011

I love my Grandma, I do, I swear! But some days...
Grandma's house is wrecked. Her 53 year old daughter moved in her townhouse's worth of crap when she got sick 5 years ago. The house has been over crowded ever since. To make matters worse, they are BOTH hoarders! My aunt is supposed to be coming hom from rehab in a wheel chair and will not be able to make it from one room to the next. Grandma won't let us clean anything out, even though Aunt gave her consent. Very very headachy.

This is the grandma who said she knew I was beautiful under all the blubber. Yeah, that grandma. After making me feel bad for the past 12 years for being overweight then obese, now that I'm not she can't stop trying to feed me. I understand that it's habit and even cultural, but seriously, I'm not obese and I'm not diabetic, anymore! I eat very very little, and I eat low carb. As many times as I express this to her "would you like some ice cream dear?" or "aren't you going to finish your dinner?" or "are you sure I can't get you something to eat?" I know she means well, but it's a little frustrating after YEARS of "you need to take care of yourself!" and "should you be eating that?"

Ahh family

Mom was tolerable this weekend. Her and Dad are back at Grandma's, hopefully they will be allowed to get some stuff done. Everyone came out to the farm on Saturday for lunch and easter egg hunting. Fun was had by all.

My cousin, the haridresser, my tiny tiny cousin who is the same size as this new sized me, saw some of the body hair I've been so angry about and offered to wax me. I took her up on it and feel like a brand new less self-conscious woman! This is the cousin with 2 stepsons the same ages as my nephews and a baby girl (about 6 months old). She sees through my family members the same way I do. We are planning to spend more time together, and she is planning to give me clothes! I think the reason we weren't very close when we were younger was because I was so envious of her. Her mom is great, she's blonde haired, green eyed, and so very thin. Now that I am seeing through more and more of my childhood psychosis, I'm learning to be a better person and reach out to people who can reciprocate true emotion and aren't just family of convenience (eg mom, brother).

Life is good.

I feel so NORMAL right now. Random blood sugar yesterday had me at 74. No dizziness, just normal. it was SO cool.









2 comments

Turkey Burger Mockafoni, LC alternative to cheesburger helper

Apr 24, 2011

1/2 teaspoon salt, or to taste

8 oz ground turkey

16 ounce bag frozen cauliflower

4 ounces cream cheese

2 tablespoons heavy cream or milk

4 ounces cheddar cheese, shredded

2 ounces cheddar cheese, shredded

 

Brown turkey in skillet, set aside.

Cook the cauliflower until tender; drain in a collander and gently press out excess water by pressing with a bowl, toss, repeat. Set aside.

Soften the cream cheese in the microwave about 30-40 seconds on HIGH. Whisk in the cream until smooth, then stir in 4 ounces cheddar cheese. Microwave on MEDIUM about 2-3 minutes or until the cheese is melted. Stir well until creamy and smooth, microwaving a little longer if necessary. Add the turkey and the cauliflower and gently fold into the cheese sauce to coat well. Adjust the seasonings if needed. Top with the remaining 2 ounces cheese and bake at 350º for 35 minutes, until bubbly and brown on top.

Makes 4-6 servings

Can be frozen

8 comments

You! Imposter! Stop Right There!

Apr 19, 2011

Does anyone else feel this way? Like they are in a borrowed body? Or what they see in the mirror isn't real, it's more like a dream? Or do you, for example, know you are a certain size, put on that size clothing and feel like you are lying to yourself, that it can't possibly fit or look good? Sure, you're in it and it seems to fit all right but you are worried about getting sent home for wearing clothes that are too tight? Too snug, too sexy?
I'm at work, wearing legging and a new tunic for the first time at my place of employment and I feel like I'm just waiting to get sent home. I am regretting the clothing choice. True, my jeans are just as snug, and I get to wear those on Friday, but it's Wednesday. Yes they are both size small but the tunic is actually a little big on me (don't hit me) to the point there it's kind of shapeless. I know I'm hiding my upper body in it, but the leggings, they are clingy and you can see my legs very clearly, the muscle and the jiggle when I walk (of course some might just be in my head). I just want to hide at my desk and hope the day passes me quickly. I shouldn't feel like this, should I? Does anyone else?
I have worked really freaking hard to get to this point, but do I really need to be showcasing my success? Am I being conceited? Are others seeing me as I do? Is this real? Or is it temporary.
Is this normal? Has seeing my mom just rocked my self-esteem that much?
As of yesterday I am 9 months out, I'm pretty much at goal (forgot to weigh~ okay to be fair I didn't want to weigh in front of my mom and that is where my Wii Fit is and then I didn't want to weigh in the evening because I drink soooo much all day long) DH will be taking pictures tonight to add to my progression collage. 
I feel fake, this doesn't seem real, please tell me this is not only normal but that it will also go away?



12 comments

Uber Long Rant and Introspection... Yeah... Mom's In Town

Apr 18, 2011

To say my mother and I do not have a good relationship is probably a major understatement. In fact we have a toxic relationship and that shouldn’t be the case, she’s my mother, I’m her daughter, her only daughter, but I’ve never felt the love and close bond a mother and daughter should share.

You’ll probably get sick of this topic, but as long as mom is here (for the next two weeks) it’s going to be forefront in my mind.

Everyone loves my mom, she’s the cool aunt. I grew up with her best friend’s kids. At a very young age things happened that should not have been me and the oldest male. I’ve repressed most of it. I’ve tried to talk about it to my mother several times but even though she says I told her about it when it happened, I took it back and she’s never believed me. When I was six or seven we lived overseas. My cousin who was having trouble with the local law in Florida got sent out to live with us. I came home from school one day, Mom and little brother were stateside, cousin and I were left alone and he raped me. I didn’t tell mom because I knew she wouldn’t believe me. It came out when I was fifteen and my boyfriend was trying to get me to go down on him and I had a horrible flashback. As we were at a friend’s house, they coaxed it out of me and then called my mother. She’s never forgiven me for that. She loves her nephew very much and refuses to believe what he did. She’s embarrassed that I told my friends about a family matter. And I have a lot of anger for her still. I’ve resolved these two instances as well as the two that happened when I was older about the males involved. But I can’t seem to let go of this intense anger I have with my mother. She thinks it comes from her failing to protect me. Maybe she’s right. She was too inebriated to pay attention to what us kids were doing to stop it with the first one. I think her realizing that made her go in self-defense mode, if she didn’t believe it, it couldn’t have happened and she wasn’t a failure as a mother. Trust me, I know my psychology behind all of this, I’m very smart. Since she “failed to protect me” by even believing me, she left the door open for #2. It wasn’t that she left me alone with him, it was that I knew there was nothing I could do, no one I could tell and no one would keep me safe. Was it my fault? Did I lead on these guys? Did I do something even in a young age that could be construed as sexual interest? I doubt the tears, begging, and vomiting could be taken as consent.

 Was the fault really hers? Not entirely. But I do assign her a slice of the blame pie. The majority belongs to the men who felt they could take things away from me, I understand that. Had she shown any interest in me growing up some of this might have been avoided. Then again maybe not.

When I was growing up I was constantly searching for approval from those who didn’t care to give it. My mom’s side of the family is pretty shallow. They prize beauty, and I was an ugly duckling. I was kinda chubby, though not very, I had a round face rather than the perfect oval they did. I have a gap in my front teeth and a slight problem with my R’s. I’m average in most things, I excel in a few areas that generally don’t interest others or could be celebrated in their eyes. In short I was boring. I had lots of other cousins who were prettier or more interesting (re: athletic). My brother and uncle both excelled at soccer, my cousins were hard working farm kids, my baby cousin was the beauty (never mind that her voice makes me want to cover my ears and hum). My grandfather was this larger than life Spaniard, everyone looked up to him, he was our patriarch. I know he loved me, I hope he realized how much I loved him. I’ve got his brown eyes and full lips, but then we all do (except one cousin, she got the blond hair with green eyes that we get once per generation). Because he was a force larger than life, everyone wanted to be like him, be closer to him, be his favorite. Since he and Grandma lived so far away, mom was the next logical choice, right? Not once did I ever feel she approved of me, and I always tried harder. I guess I was a masochist (wondering if I still am when it comes to her). I didn’t even pay mind to the fact that I was already adored and revered on Dad’s side of the family. I was the only granddaughter, I was very much Hungarian looking, and my was both Dad’s and his dad’s princess. Mom didn’t get along with her in-laws and her attitude rubbed off on us, and I guess growing up, I saw them as less cool than mom’s side. I was an idiot.

No one ever told me I was Daddy’s little princess. I didn’t understand until I went away to college at 21. He was the one who drove me to orientation, he was the one who helped me move in and get settled and made sure I had everything I needed between bedding and computer programs. He’s the one I call when I get lost or when I need someone I can count on. He held my hand through diabetes, he went to the weight loss surgery seminar with me. He is everything a dad should be, but I didn’t appreciate him as a kid. Don’t fret, I still have him, and I value him and let him know how much I adore him. He moved to New Mexico two weeks before my son was born (transfer) so I miss him a lot. We don’t talk on the phone much, but neither of us are phone people.

So why did I care about mom’s approval? Because her parents were awesome? Because I had a great grandmother through her side of the family who was the most amazing woman I’d ever met?

Many of you have read my rants about my older brother who never has time for me or excludes me from things that as his sister I should be involved in (like his kid’s birthdays?) I’ve been hurting over this a lot. His is another approval I’ve spent my life seeking. We used to be close, but once I hit puberty I guess he realized hanging out with his sister wasn’t cool.

I now understand where this exclusion comes from. Some of it is just self-absorbedness. But I’ve also realized that mom is someone who deliberately excludes me from things. Like when I asked if DH couldn’t get time off for the October wedding, could I go down to Florida with them in the motor home? The immediate response was that there was only room for two. There might only be 2 beds, but there is room for more than that, if one cared to find a way. The other instance that helped with my epiphany was this weekend, I was driving over to the farm to see my grandma and cousins. Mom asked when I’d be there and when I was leaving. I told her she said that would be perfect since they were going wedding dress shopping with Andrea at the time I was planning to leave. Wistfully, I remarked, now I wish I wasn’t going to a birthday party, I would much rather go wedding dress shopping with my cousin. Her immediate and somewhat nasty response was that there wouldn’t be enough room. The birthday party was for DH’s friend’s kid, so I really didn’t feel like going without him anyway, so this response really brought me down, I would have gladly dropped plans to go had I been asked. Lucky for me Aunt Delia asked me and Andrea said there was room enough for me and the baby in her car (with my mom~ so there!) and I needed to get moving. I love my aunt. Andrea was excited to have me along too. This of course put mom in a sulk.

At the bridal shop my tiniest cousin and I realized that we wore the same size (2) and when I made the mistake of mentioning this to mom (this is why I wonder if I am secretly a masochist) she said to me “Enough is enough, I hope to god you’ll stop losing weight now”. So it’s a good enough size for my cousin but not for me? I’ve been pretty irritated with her ever since.

I have to call her at lunch time (because I get the joy of picking her up after support group tonight and letting her spend the night at my house so she can go with DH to pick up Dad at the airport tomorrow) does anyone have any anti-acids?

No amount of therapy will fix my relationship with my mother, she already has a therapist that she lies to once a week. I wish I had a good relationship with my mom, but I guess my formative years and her current attitude will make that impossible.

It’s a good thing I have friends who act more like family and fill the void that mom and big brother chose to leave in me. If only they could also take away these strong self-destructive feeling I have when around them. I've gained 2 pounds in teh 4 days mom has been here, not because I've been dining with her, but because of eating my feelings. I'm not even aware that's why until after. I just think I'm hungry more, for less good foods. I need to get myself back on track and not let anyone take this away from me. I've come too far! I deserve this life I've created for myself.

16 comments

The Perpetual Learning Curve of RNY and other things

Apr 15, 2011

I know I always say that a day you don't learn somthing new is a day wasted, but sheesh!

I learned today that I cannot eat reheated shrimp

My stomach is still gurgling

I think I got in about 2 of them in my quinoa casserole before I realized I couldn't/shouldn't. I spit out the last mouthful and had protein pudding instead.

You'd think at 9 months out I would have figured this out already.

Nope.

I wish this learning didn't come at the expense of my carefully planned menu.

Note to self: expect the unexpected and carry around a back up plan (keeping focus 28 products in my filing cabinet at work has been a godsend this week). Got ill on Monday dining out with hubs (he got far worse off than me, guessing cuz he ate more) spent tuesday on liquids. felt okay wednesday, great yesterday, today back to feeling crappy and unenthusiastic about most things. I should be happy. I'm healthy and thin and have new clothes and my diabetes is in remission.

But I'm tired.

I should be excited, mom and grandma are here now (early) and at the farm with the cousins, but my mom exhausts me.

I should be relieved, I don't have to go out ot Fredericksburg tomorrow figure out how to get the baby to a brithday party adn then head to a friends to help them unload their moving truck, but, I'm going to the farm to visit, then going to said birthday party, getting a few measly hours with my husband, then headed down to help my friends. I'm not complaining about the things I have to do, it's just that spending this week trying to schedule things with people who do not have schedules (most of them, except the last) has been more exhausting than the actual weekend will be.

I should be jubilant, we have support group on monday which coincides with my 9 month surgery anniversary (within a day), but after I have to pick up mom and bring her to my house to spend the night. Which in itself isn't a bad thing, but that means between now and then with all this other craziness, I have to clean my house.

I should be through the roof, dad is flying in on Tuesday! I am very much daddy's little girl, but then we have to figure out how to get him and mom to Fredericksburg with me and Todd. My car has issues and his is small. Cars will have to be cleaned out and we will not have much time together. I don't begrudge him the time he has to spend at his moms, he should spend time with her and he's going to help a lot. I wish I could too.

I just found out Grandma's vision is so bad she can't see the lines on the road anymore and needs to stop driving. My aunt who lives with her is coming home from rehab on Thursday, she also can barely see. She also has to go to dialysis 3 days a week. Mom and Dad are probably going to convince them to move out to New Mexico. Which would be great for everyone, except my selfish self, my cousins, and all the great grandkids who are in this area. Knowing holding on is being selfish will not make it any easier to let them leave. Grandma loves being in NM when they took her for her birthday years ago, other Grandma already lives there. Wonder if DH would give up his dream of moving to FL to relocate to NM instead... I had my great grandmother until I was 17, I would love for Trevor to be near his 2 Great Grandmothers and be able to remember them as well as I remember mine. I'm just scared though. Dad's mom is 87 and this is the first real sign she's shown of aging. I don't want to lose her at all, and losing her to distance just seems like step one of a very short stairwell to bereftness.

Now that I've depressed everyone, I guess I should get some work done.


0 comments

Oh. My. Gods!

Apr 13, 2011

I had to run into WalMart yesterday to grab some more lavashes and some dark chocolate (the second for my DH) while I was there I noticed shorts on sale. Last summer I weighed almost 100 pounds more than I do today, I own no shorts except for a pair of bike shorts a friend gave me. I have to do a lot of physical labor this weekend and I started working out after work, so I needed shorts to wear in public as well as more gym shorts (I don't count Curve's as public).
As was my habit for years, I picked up the size I assumed I was (4), held them against my front, saw that they matched up hip to hip bought 2 pair (bought leggings and shorts according to size~small~). Was pretty excited, didn't bother to try them on, after all, why would I ever imagine that I was smaller than a size 4?!
So I get home and there is a huge gap in the waist. WHAT?!
I'll be returning them after the gym today and hoping to exchange for the correct size (which I will try on before leaving the *!@%$ store).
I realize that this is vanity sizing (probably out of control vanity sizing at that) but I will have very small shorts that say they are size 2 and make me feel like a tiny person (as if the 130.7 on the scale doesn't!)
I need to take my measurements again (it's been a while) I think I've actually shrank and it's not just the wacky sizing. I look in the mirror and see a tiny person now (DH needs to take more current pictures). Being ill got me over my stall, lets see if I can hold it and maybe even improve, just a smidge?

In other news when I told my mom (she called on my way home) she told me I needed to stop losing weight now. My mom is morbidly obese, she's also a jealous person and a projecter. I didn't know that half of the issues I had with me body image as a kid actually came from her insecurities being projected on me. I know better now. Trying to be patient, but shouldn't you mom be happy for you when you finally get healthy?

20 comments

About Me
Harpers Ferry, WV
Location
22.5
BMI
RNY
Surgery
07/19/2010
Surgery Date
Oct 21, 2010
Member Since

Before & After
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