Where Have You Been, Young Lady?

Apr 19, 2012

 I smile because it’s expected, I go because I must, I hold it together because it’s what I’ve always done. Does it make me a liar to smile when I don’t mean it? 2012 has not been kind to me and mine.

January

We were supposed to move back to my childhood home at the first of the year, didn’t happen until the 17^th. Even though we got in, it took 3 dumpsters and a lot of scrubbing to make it habitable. We live here now, we’re settled in, but a hundred and one things need attention and it’s difficult to prioritize. I understand now why my dad has always had a long list of half finished projects and I have new empathy for him. You start on one thing, certain you can get it done quickly then another “have to” pops up putting project one on the back burner, just when you think you’ve got project two under control, in comes three and four, and the vision you had for number one is just that, vision. The unfinished reality is depressing and discouraging.

February

In tradition of February being the suck month it is, it started out with a Bartholin’s cyst for me because the anniversary of my grandfather’s death can never just pass without incident. Kept mom’s mind off missing her dad for a while at least. February granted me 2 cysts, back to back, with a drain put in. The good side is when that came out, they also took out my IUD, so far not pregnant (which is good, I don’t want to get there until fall)

March

Our new day care provider broke up with us early in the month, forcing us to shop around again. We found someone we are comfortable with and I think he’s adjusting really well, but it took 7 interviews to find her.

Missed both of my support groups and had to deal with having a houseguest for the fourth month (mom). Never enough time for anything, Todd and I were eating poorly and feeling worse. Wanted to have an open house, but that fell through due to lack of enthusiasm (no one said they were coming) and a lack of funds. I just wasn’t willing to put in all that work for a bunch of maybes.

April

My car will not pass inspection and Todd’s is also having some issues getting passed. My car is trying to die on me, and we saved our tax return money to use on a down payment on a car for me, but we’ve not been able to look in depth, or should I say in person. I can look online all I want, but that doesn’t put me behind the wheel or get me excited. Todd’s mom went to an auction for us in hopes of getting us a Saturn wagon, but we lost. Also lost the dining room set me wanted and the chess set he wanted. But that’s not the worst of it. My favorite uncle is in the hospital, he just had 3 valves replaced, his arteries cleaned, and his heart murmur fixed. He’s out of surgery, but not yet out of the woods. There’s nothing I can do to help them, so of course I feel helpless, extraneous, and at a complete loss. My Grandmother is also in the hospital. Being in the hospital is the less worrisome part though. She had/has DVT and they are working her through that. She had a stroke last year but her doctors didn’t seem to think she needed any scans or anything because it was “so minor”. Grandma has slowly started drifting into dementia and who can blame her living in an emotionally abusive house with her dying (kidney failure, diabetic, heart problem, leg amputee) daughter who belittles her constantly, yells at her both at home and in public and who has also scared her into not eating by yelling at her when she does eat that the food she chose is “hers” and if grandma eats it she’s “Stealing” WTF?! Your own mother?! The dementia isn’t as bad as we thought, in fact the more regularly she eats and gets her insulin, the clearer her head gets, imagine that! She’s walking slower and tiring easier, but the woman is 88 and they just now pulled her license. She is physically unable to care for herself AND Karen any more, and they question her self care. If she doesn’t need 24 hour supervision, I want her (and only her, not Auntie) to move in with us. That way I can still work, but spend time with her and be with her and help her. Other alternatives are her moving to Albuquerque with my parents or possibly with my cousin in Front Royal. Not sure yet, she’s got her big meeting tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to try to get someone to call me and let me listen in.

With two family members in the hospital, mom had to fly back a scant week after finally going home.

General

I’m having to miss out on seeing friends and doing things I want to do due to this massive have to do stuff. Sigh. I missed Juliet’s open house to meet her new son, and I’m going to miss him baptism too. I missed support group which I never do. I’ve been eating crap and feeling fat since Britt (my Zumba instructor) got fired. I’m exhausted. I need to work on typing up my recipes, not just because I have more and want to share, but people are counting on me. I’m supposed to be helping with the bariatric cookbook my surgeon’s office is putting together. It occurs to me that once this is done, I will actually be a published author (just not in the genre I was aiming for). It also occurs to me that instead of complaining and venting out this super long entry I could have better used my time on said recipes, but guess what? I needed to get this out more, I hate that it’s all been building inside of me, that I’ve been withdrawing from people and events. I guess I just wanted to let you all know it’s not you, I’m not mad at anyone, I’m not avoiding anyone. I’m just overwhelmed and not seeing any end in sight.

Ideally

I want to get the bay window finished (was a window seat until the squatter ripped it out and left the shredded pieces hanging) I’ve painted, purchased trim (got one coat on it, needs one more) and plan to tile. Of course put the curtains back up once that is done.

I want to get my recipes together and into Dr McKenna’s office. I keep coming up with cute ideas for sections, like, “The Cauliflower Chronicles: everyday solutions to high carb comfort foods”. Yeah, I crack myself up.

I want to start writing again, my stories run around in my head and I need to let them out.

I want to be more active with my friends and family (in a good social way, not and holding greivious way), with my friends in the weight loss community (I do better the more engaged I am), and with my actual community. I grew up in this neighborhood, everyone talked, everyone pitched in, it’s a safe comfortable place and I want to help shape it the same as my parents did when I was a kid.

In the fall we want to get pregnant, working on saving money so we don’t get hit with new baby expenses all at once. We’ll see how that goes. The convertible crib is here and set up. Even if I don’t get pregnant it’s an awesome full size bed frame :)

Time for rest now. Thanks for letting me go on and on and on.

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