I'm going through crapola dealing with the job hunt.  A potential employer wants me to sign a contract for employment that I know, knowing contracts is both unreasonable and unenforcable, but has me unhappy because I feel like I'm signing my life away, or rather, my dreams.  But I have to, if I want to keep affording to live....  And all for only my second choice.  My first choice keeps getting waylayed and I'm faced with the situation that if I get it I will have to be unethical and leave one job for another.  Only I can look out for me, but I also don't like to step on toes.

Weight has been a life long issue for me.  I remember when it first became a concern for my family.  I was probably 7.  I didn't look like the other kids who were long and lean, I was thick.  It wasn't that I ate junk food (we were one of those houses where junk food wasn't allowed), it was just simple foods, probably a fair amount of carbs.  

I remember how active I was.  I had gymnastics every weekend and I wanted to be the next Nadia Comenici.  But my coach reported to my parents that I needed to lose 25 lbs.  I remember being 11, taken to Lean Line, scared of these adults, many of whom were morbidly and super obese.  I was 5'1 and weighed 111.  Sometimes I think people (family) should have just left well enough alone.

By age 13 I was 180 and swore I wouldn't go over 200.  By age 16 I was 240 and my obese family doctor said nothing.  At the time though, I deicded to "try" bulemia.  I didn't like it much and only did it out of anxiety over the "wrong foods" or an over indulgence.  But believe it or not I was still very active, biking miles and miles every weekend.  By age 18 I was 270.  

My young adult years took me up and down between 290 and 260; Nutrisystem helped me get to the latter number, but I quit when I couldn't keep to it 100% after my dad died unexpectedly.

Nutrisystem was 13 years ago.  I probably fluctuated from 260-340 repeatedly 3 or 4 times.  LA Weight Loss took me from that high to 268, but again, I couldn't keep it up. If I didn't feel like I was overeating on their program and stuffed, then I was starving on the same food, go figure.

Finished LAWL in 2003, right after another traumatic personal episode that centered on the man I wanted to marry cheating on me.

I gave up, sort of, but kept trying, exercise, calorie counting, low carb, you name it.  When I still got no where I tried Jenny Craig and even that had limited success.  

Hmmm, I could have paid for VSG in what I spent combined on all my efforts.

So, here I am, hovering around 310.  

I don't see myself as an overeater.  When I watch shows that show people overeating, I do that rarely.  But I suppose enough.  And I can't seem to not ever do it.  

I'm thinking of the VSG as my back up system to the good efforts I often choose to do.  I have no idea how I will get it done or if I'll have the courage.....

I'm hoping I'm going to follow through with my intent and this week call and schedule an appointment with my PCP and request the VSG.  First, I will ask that he do a ton of blood work to rule out thyroid and any other hormonal issue. 

I'm nervous to hear the usual from a doctor about my weight, and worse yet fear hearing bad news--your once great BP/Glucose/Cholesterol is horrible now, but maybe that's what I need.  Or worse, during some preop test to find I've got something serious like heart trouble.  (Am I the only one who when I get a gas pain in my chest fear that it's a heart attack?)

I'm thinking that wouldn't it be great if like some here within a month I could be getting the surgery?  I'm also imagining other things, like being able to do it as an outpatient like one of the docs patients did (that would suit me just fine).  And I'm imagining that by fall I could be down 30 lbs.  280 would have me in clothes I bought when I first lost the 65lbs and I felt much better than I do at 310.  I think w/30lbs off an injury I've had wouldn't bother me as much and I'd be more inclined to work out and do all the things I do enjoy.

I also imagine like one poster here, having no sagging skin (wouldn't that be wonderful, unlikely but wonderful) and getting to goal in 10 mo.

I guess I'd like a positive snowball effect.

My new goal, to not be fat by 40 (2 years away) and to be attractive and comfortable enough in a better body to be in a relationship.  Maybe I can still have my dream of kids and marriage if I just make this finally happen.

I read here that someone said they spent their first 50 years fat and decided what did they have to lose spending the next 50 years skinny if the surgery worked.  That really pressed a button for me....

It's so tempting to just put it on a credit card and to Mexico.  I could be done in just a month, right?  But I'm too conservative for that--I know I can't bear the credit card burden.

And if I have to selfpay, I'd have to get a home equity line, that could take a month or so to organize.  And if I do that, can I afford that $ every month?

So there's insurance...and I did make the very first step of calling my insurer (BC/BS of NJ) and was "told" it was covered (but know you don't know for sure until papers are filed).

So...I need to go to my PCP and do a physical and make a request for the surgery.  Why am I dragging my heels?  

Then there's the surgery itself--I'm not yet feeling it's what I "have" to do.  SIlly me watched Oprah yesterday and all these diet success stories (per Bob Greene) and wondering why can't I just do it like that.  But then I look at a day like yesterday where calories were low, choices were good and yet where's the benefit?

If I'm not someone with thyroid as a reason, then why am I fat when calories for me average 1500-1800?  How is it that according to my calculations, I maintain 300 plus pounds on 2100 calories, but I'm rarely eating 2100?  And how can someone weigh  300 on 2100 calories when 2100 calories should  maintain a weight of between 150 and 200?

And I'd have the answer if I just went to the doctor.

Someone kick me in the pants....

 

So hard to focus on health when attention goes elsewhere.

I've been unemployed for two and a half months.  I've been attempting to build a business as that's my heart's desire, but the reality is that I'm not ready for it and it could take a long time to build.  So I've interviewed for two jobs.  One is a great opportunity in terms of capability and environment.  THe other is, if I'm not going to be self employed, my dream job and great environment and amazing resonsibilities and compensation.  

I've been asked to go temp to perm on the first, start that next week, trying to nail down final interviews for the dream job (hoping the offer comes through before the lower paying one does.

It's a bit of a balancing act and hard to think much about diet, exercise, surgery.

If I get/take the dream job, I'll have to eventually move.  I'll be commuting 1 hr 15 to 30 minutes each way--ridiculous--but it's dream opportunity.

So add to that a potential move down the line and OY!