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jhadden's Blog
jhadden's Blog


Thursday, March 13, 2008
on March 13, 2008 10:49 am
Well, here I am, still at my plateau between 169-172.  I feel like I am done losing, yet I still am eating right.  I just don't understand.  How can I stay the same and eat this healthy, when I stayed the same before and ate anything I wanted?  It makes no sense to me.  I eat a fraction of what I usred to eat AND I don't eat sweets anymore, which I ate a ton of preop.  So, how can I not be losing.  The whole reason I got this surgery was because the weight loss was so slow and I could never stick to it that long because I was hungry.  But, even with the surgery, it is going so slow.

The other thing is I just don't see the weight loss of 70 pounds.  Yes, my clothes are big and I feel thinner, but not thin, far from thin.  I am constantly looking at myself in the mirror and squeezing fat here and sucking it in there, trying to see the 70 pounds I lost.  But, I still feel fat; I am still a fat person.  I don't notice any more attention from men or looks or anything.  When I went out with my bf, Kathleen to the bon jovi concert, all the looks still went to her, just like in high school.  And, my parents were kind enough to point out that I am not as pretty as she is and still not as skinny as her.  I don't notice any more attention from my husband.  He is the same as before.  Our sex life is the same.  I just don't see the changes I had hoped for.

Will I ever like what I see in the mirror?  OR, will I always be critical and unhappy with the way I look.  I had this surgery to feel better, to feel more confident, more willing to be around people.  But, I don't feel that way.  I still hide in my apartment and don't go out all week and I am still Depressed.  I wish I could just snap out of this. I am never happy.  Why can't I ever be happy like other people?
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Hallelujah
on March 11, 2008 1:40 pm

LISTEN TO THIS SONG!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=v8jpNiUuwcw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AratTMGrHaQ&feature=related

Hallelujah


I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, baby, I've been here before.
I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
But I've seen your flag on the marble arch,
And love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, there was a time when you'd let me know
What's really going on below,
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you,
And the Holy Ghost was moving too,
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, maybe there is a God above,
But all that I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
And it is not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

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March 9, 2008
on March 9, 2008 2:16 pm
Hello There,
Wow, I really need to start writing in here more often.  Time just seems to go by so fast!  Last night I went to see Bon Jovi and Daughtry at the Mohegan Casino with my hubby, best friend and her hubby.  It was such a blast!!!  We haven't been out with another couple in a long time.  It was nice to get dressed up at my new weight.  For once, I wasn't dreading trying to find something to wear.  I actually was happy with the way I looked; imagine that!  I even discovered that I actually have collarbones!  Now that is exciting lol.

Anyhow, my parents were there gambling and we stopped to say hello and get the tickets from them.  The next day, my parents call to see how the concert was and their comments pissed me off so bad.  I can't believe they think what they said was a compliment in any way shape or form.  They were like "Oh, you look good.  You are almost as pretty as your friend now" and "Well, you are not as skinny as she is yet!" or how about  just the fact that they went on and on about how gorgeous she was and made me feel like second best, which is how I felt all my life with this friend.  All the guys I ever liked liked her and not me.  And to have my own parents say that is so annoying.  

My whole life they have been making hurtful comments like that about my weight, which I already felt self fonnscious of..  I swear they do not think before they talk.! Then, if iI try to stick up for myself and tell them that it hurts my feelings, they tell me I am dramatic and overly sensitive.  That is why I don't even bother.  I try not to let it get to me (I should be used to it by now), but it always does.  I posted about it in the main forum and all my friends at OH made me feel so much better.  I am so fortunate to have you all here.  I am very grateful.

As far as weight loss goes, I am at a stand still going on 5 weeks at 169.  I can't wait until the scale starts moving again.  I just got my elliptical  machine this week, so maybe if I step up the exercise, the scale will finally move.
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