4-8-07

Like most people here I have been heavy on and off my whole life. I am now at my all time heaviest 360pnds. I was never even close to being this heavy even when I was 9 months pregnant with both of my children. I have 2 children both boys ages 6yrs and 2yrs old. They are my pride and joy. I was a single mom up about 2yrs ago. That is when I met Joe. Joe and I are engaged and there is no date cause I told him I will not get married until I am skinny!!! So hopefully I will have a date sooner then later now seeing that my insurance just approved me!! (YAY)

Back to my obesity story...... If I had a dollar every time I had a man tell me that I am hot but Id be alot hotter if I lost weight. Then I'd be rich! (or atleast have some extra spending money lol!) And if I had a dollar every time someone would tell me that my sisters are so hot because they are thin and I am not then..... (yeah you get the picture!!!) Comments like that hurt and it sticks with you. I always go around thinking about my weight - it consumes my mind, my life. I wouldnt even attempt to ride a roller coaster right now for fear of not being able to fit. So that is one of my thin goals! since I love roller coasters. Like alot of obese people I not only love food but from the time I was 12 I was on a diet. Turned to food because of all the emptiness I felt through out my life. Food is my drug of choice. When I was young my mother was an abusive alcholic and I was always living back in forth with her or my friends or my Grandma well that leaves sadness and the only way I knew how to fill that sadness was to eat. I ate whether or not I was hungry. I ate when I was bored, happy, sad. Food became my friend the only thing that I knew would always be there for me...... And it appears that I was right it was always there for me and it still is! It stuck to my whole body per say!

FAST FORWRD...................................

After my second son was born November 9th 2004 I weighed in at about 312pnds. At that point I considered WLS but my insurance at the time did nothing for weight loss! So crap what is a girl to do??? Well I joined Medical Weight Loss and lost about 75pnds and I felt great and started looking great I got attention. I had energy. I would be cocky saying that I will never see the 300's again and that I am about to not see the 200's!!! Well boy was I wrong. I ended up loosing my job which caused stress and at the time I smoked cigarettes and basically Joe didnt want to be with a smoker so I quit and plus I just couldnt afford it due to not working, which is good but.....   in comes the pounds and the next thing I know is I am heading toward the 300's again and somehow I am now closer to 400pnds if we rounded up to the nearest hundredth!!!!lol

Any way long story short I am obese and it is inhibiting me from living the lively life I would rather be living. There are sooo many things that I love to do and somehow I forgot the joy that I recieve from doing those things. I know my depression that I have now is from being so heavy. I can not wait till I can feel comfortable in my own skin and be the active mother that I need to be for my children. And it will be so nice to run around and not get so out of breath. Also I am looking forward to going out with my sisters so I can feel like I am human and not just a fat thing among them! I am excited to bring the joy into my life that I have been missing for so long. I can not wait to live again, a rebirth so to speak, I will soon be able to breath!  Thank you GOD! My prayers have been answered