ObesityHelp

So i took spinning again....last night and tonight...obsessed....and after class the lady behind me came up to me and said "you were killer tonight...awesome pace the whole time"

Holy s*it !  How grateful was I to hear that.  Especially since she was in supurb shape and i overheard her saying how she is a runner.  I told her a couple times how great it was to hear that considering its only my 3rd class.

I've been in such a slump lately. I even told my co-worker that i had to exercise because i was fat. come on! what the hell is wrong with me? i just lost almost 140 lbs and im still calling myself fat!

i have A LOT of self-help work to do that is for sure, but i'll tell ya what....i feel damn good after a spinning class.  and when i watched myself in the mirrors tonight, i finally thought- damn girl...you're really doing this youself.

im getting there.

Today marks my 8th month since surgery.  It puts me at a total of 135lbs lost.  It puts me from a size 26 to a size 12.  It puts me from miserable and horribly depessed about my appearance to contented.

Although I dont live with the constant torture of feeling self conscious every waking second, I do live with many other feelings and issues that go on in my brain.

I knew weight loss surgery was not going to make me happy. I knew that- honestly.  It made me a lot happier and has opened a lot more doors, but I still have A LOT of issues that are weight-loss surgery related.

I have discovered that the eating aspect, diet, life style change is cake compared to the mental difficulties I have encountered.

A lot of my mental issues arent weight-loss surgery related...they were always there.  But they definitely play a part in all of this....in my new life.

Losing this much weight (and so quickly) has made me have to take on a new identity so to speak.  I am a completely different person on the outside.  Some people see the new me in pics or on a daily basis and think everything is just grand.  Well it's not.

I still deal with so many of my own issues that I am slowly conquering and overcoming.  For example, Im too hard on myself and I NEVER give myself credit for my accomplishments...no matter how big or small.  Nothing is ever good enough in my own eyes.  Therefore, I have difficuly giving myself credit for this journey like people give me credit for.  I feel like I am never worthy of my own happiness.

It's so sad. Especially when from the outside, it looks like I have it made.  Maybe I do...and I just dont realize it.  Cant see it.  Wont accept it.

I struggle on a daily basis with all these thoughts. Im working through them.  But just know, life is just as hard when you're fat as it is when your thinner.  It is my hope that one day, I will overcome my issues and finally be completely happy.  Completely.

my surgeon said forget the B12 and up the dosage from 1,000 mcg 3x week to 5,000mcg daily and "see how it goes".....im due to see him again in april.

i want too comfortable with that answer so called my primary doc and asked for his thoughts.  he agreed with me and said i need to have the shot.

long story short...they are 98% sure it will be covered and if not may only be a fee of $37.

so im due to get that next tuesday.

on a brighter note...I was feeling up to working out (I stopped/slow down because of the rapid amount of weight i was losing and lack of calories i could put in) and GAWD did it feel good.  i feel so much better now.

it really does help with the mind and body...no doubt.

i ran outside (5K training) and then hit up the gym for weight training.....IN A TANK TOP. 1st time......VERY INTERESTING.  Kinda weird...kinda cool....hard to explain.

i've NEVER worn tank tops outside the house so i definitely was feeling naked.

some dude wanted to "get in with me" on the leg press....after he stared me down on the other side of the gym prior....come on....gimme a break.....thats annoying.

he could hardly keep up with the amount of weight i was pressing!!!!! wimp.