Here we are again.  I look back and wish I would have followed through with my previous blog post.  I wish I would have gotten back on track and by now I could be at my goal weight.  But the fact of the matter is I didn't and I'm not. 

I joined the gym on Sunday and plan to try to go most days after work.  So far I haven't been.  It's a mental block.  I'm not going to sugar coat it, I'm lazy.  I worry too much about what people think about me which is why I am in this place.  I let myself get the best of me.  I create things in my head that aren't there (and even if they are I shouldn't care).  My lowest weight was around 265, which is roughly 100lbs lost from my highest.  Was I skinny?  nope.  Was I happy? yes.  Would I like to lose more? of course.

Now I sit here at 303 as of this morning.  I weighed myself yesterday and was at 297 which is about where I usually hover, but today I was floored again.  I had a baby in February, my highest weight was 325.  I was back down to 293 10 days after delivery.  I was very careful about what I ate and just the stress of being a mommy again made my appetite disappear.  Then it came back, full force, and I am where I am.  I am breastfeeding as well.  For those of you that have never BF, let me tell you, at least for me, anytime my little guy goes through a growth spurt my appetite is unstoppable.  I try all the tricks, water, gum, distractions, etc. and nothing works.  My stomach just feels empty and grumbly. 

I was never so lucky to lose the hunger feelings.  Even right after surgery.  I wish I would have.  I am a food addict.  I have realized that now.  I have a problem.  I am a master of theory but I suck at the execution.  The surgery was never going to work for me because I was so far in denial my psych eval even came back clean.  Come to find out I am a mess.  I started turning to alcohol and drinking a lot of it nightly.  I then started Zoloft but am too terrifed to take it because the last time I was on an antidepressant was after my daughter in 2001 and that is where I gained the bulk of my weight (over 100lbs) in a very short period of time.  I hope exercise will raise my endorphins enough to where I don't need it.

I feel like I am losing control of my life.  Everything is so disorganized and moving so fast.  I just want everything to slow down so I can focus on my health and get back on track.  I realize that is selfish and totally unrealistic.  Time will not stop for me.  I have to figure out how to manipulate it in my own way to be successful.  It's hard.  Even now, I just ate lunch half hour ago and I'm already starting to feel hungry.  I don't know what's going on and unfortunately I don't have a doc that can/will follow up with me.  My doctor is in Chicago and I haven't seen her in over 4 years.  I am too humiliated to go back.  She was very stern about follow up care and how important it is.  Unfortunately being 4+ hours away and losing my job nixed that plan and left me to my own devices.

ugh.  I am disgusted. 

I will leave this with a prayer for myself that I can sort through this crap and figure out happy.  I just want to be happy. 

So tomorrow is the 4 week mark from my surgery. I just bought a brand new scale to track my journey because I think my other one was busted, it wouldn't change the weight. So now I have one that weighs to the ounce. I'm sure you're all wondering what the weight loss is to date, so I guess I will tell ya...

Beginning weight: 360
Current weight: 328.4
Total change: -32 lbs

I guess I'm doing ok. I know I am retaining a lot of water right now (ankles are really swollen) plus that wonderful monthly visitor is about to end her stay soon (hopefully). Today was a super nice day but I didn't get to spend much time outside because I had to cook dinner as soon as I got home from work and then we went to Wal Mart and bought the scale and a few things for tomorrow (milk, juice, soda) to drink. I had one CF Diet coke today, almost a full 20 oz. I guess I will share my food day today...I didn't do as good as I should have...

Breakfast: 1 egg and 1/4 cup potatoes
Snack: Banana
Lunch: Turkey Sausage with some mixed cooked veggies
Snack: Flat Earth Harvest Cheddar chips
Dinner: Hamburger w/ swiss no bun, green beans, and a little noodles with fetticini sauce
Snack: teaspoon peanut butter (had a bad taste in mouth from calcium)

In addition I got in about 45oz of liquids today...still not my goal of 64 but I'm working on it.

So I am now 5 days post op and feel great. It almost feels like she didn't do anything to me. Hubby said I was in surgery about 3 hours, although I don't know how long of that was actually surgery and leading up to and after. I have my follow up with Dr. Ayloo on 4/4/08 so I will get more details then I'm sure. I weighed myself this morning and am down 25lbs from my starting pre liquid diet weight. I would like to lose at least 175 more.

I am really fighting off hunger right now. I have been having cravings all day that are getting harder and harder to ignore. I try to remind myself why I did this and convince myself to rise above it, but it's getting really hard. I try to think of how people are going to be floored when they see me when this is all done. I try to think of what I will see in the mirror and remind myself that when that day comes I will be so glad I did everything I could do to help the process along without complications.

I have had quite a few mood swings already. I will just be sitting on the couch and suddenly without warning break out into full blown crying. Then as quickly as it appeared, its gone leaving me to wonder what the hell it was all about. I am getting in all 64 ounces of water now without a problem, but the vitamins I have to take in the morning are NASTY! I am also trying to get my protein shake in, but I almost can't stomach it, vanilla soy.

I worry about my skin hang. I wonder if I will need PS and if so how in the heck I'm going to pay for it. I worry about my boobs and how they are going to deflate. I mean, I've had two kids and breastfed both, so they will probably be complete pancakes after weightloss. I also worry that I will be one of those women you see that looked better "chunky or fat" and that I will just look sick.

I guess I'm done for now, I'll keep ya posted, I've gotta take my mind off of fresh baked rolls and mac and cheese!!!

So I got THE letter in the mail today.  My husband called me at work and told me there was something from the insurance company.  Considering the doctor just sent it in on the 20th of Feb. I didn't think it was the determination so I just told him to open it.  So he did and read the words "you're request for prior approval"...I was like, OMG.

Finally he said approved.  I was floored.  Thats it, I have my approval!  I can't wait.  I emailed Maryann and she said that I can fax it to her tomorrow and at that point we can schedule my surgery.  I can't wait!  Update more later, I'm knee deep in cooking dinner...and I've got a lot on my mind right now!