Ya know, through this whole ordeal of not being able to eat, it's becoming increasingly harder to be around food and the people who eat it. I've been a good sport about it, and for the most part don't have an issue, other than with chinese food, just because the smell is so potent and it upsets my stomach, I literally have to go to my room and close the door to mask the smell, but somehow it still makes it way through the air vents. Most other foods, I can stay downstairs, my family just has to close off the doors to the kitchen. Chinese is the only food I have an issue with and they know this, however, they continue to order it on a more than regular basis. Like I don't ask much, but I do wish they would stop ordering chinese just because it makes me sick, but they don't seem to get it or if they do, they don't care. I mean, I freakin' told them I've been feeling sick all day today and here they go getting chinese, I mean, that's just adding fuel to the fire. UGH, I just needed to vent.

I've honestly been through hell and back the past 7 weeks. I had pneumonia and went to the ER and later found out I had a leak at 7 months out. I was admitted to the hospital and was there for 20 days. I went into the hospital wearing a size 8 and came out wearing a size 4. I'm still not allowed to eat or drink anything and haven't since May 22. I'm fed daily through an IV at home, but it takes 14 hours to cycle. I had another Upper GI yesterday and everything looks almost healed, just a little "wisp" still leaking through, so its awesome news and that means I'm almost healed. My surgeon was very impressed at how quickly it was healing. He said hes going to consult with the surgeon from Johns Hopkins to see what else needs to be done. But I'm so happy that its healing on it's own and wont require additional surgery. I go back in 2 weeks for another Upper GI and I hope it'll be my last. It's amazing how sick I've been since March and was misdiagnosed several times by several different doctors. I feel very blessed because that I've healed as well as I have, apparently people die from leaks. So my bit of advice if you are sick and feel like something is wrong, persue it. I didn't and got to the point where my body was full of infection and had almost 3 weeks in the hospital. I'm just blessed that there was a hospital that look at my lung ct scan and noticed a pattern in pockets in my lungs that led to my stomach and he was the first to suggest that it might be a leak. I think I've had one for a while, my surgeon thinks my colon (which apparently is abnormally large) rubbed up against my staple line before it was completely healed and caused the leak.

So I'm really bad at this blogging thing. But I just hit 6 months out last week and boy has a lot changed. It's like I hit 6 months and immediately hit a wall, emotionally. I'll admit, since surgery I don't feel as outgoing as I used to. I've withdrawn from my friends a lot. But I can't help it. I've dealing with so many new emotions, a lot of times I just need to be alone. I hope I snap out of this soon, because I'm just not feeling like myself. The smaller I'm getting and the closer I'm getting to goal, the more picky I'm becoming about my body. I look in the mirror and don't see myself 108 pounds lighter, I'm still seeing myself heavier. So when I see photos of myself it's like looking at a stranger. I'm also having trouble figuring out who I am now. I've always been the fun, chubby girl, life of the party. I'm not that anymore, I mean I guess I'm still funny, but I'm def. not the life of the party! I honestly could have taken a year off after surgery, gone home to live with my parents and recover. I'm learning that the recovery is not just physical, it's more mental, emotional. I mean why can't I be happy?? I'm the smallest I've ever been in my adult life. I can walk into any store and buy whatever I want off the shelf. I've never been able to do that before. I'm a size 8 for crying out loud. Never in my life would I have thought I'd be that small. Right now I'm really just craving family time. I need my family, thats when I feel "alive". I really just need this school year to end, so I can have a stress free, responsiblity free summer, so I can focus on my recovery. It's been tough since surgery, I've been sick, I'm injured, I had a death in the family recently and all that is taking a toll on me in more ways than one. I just emotionally can't pour into people like I used to. I need to focus on myself and if people can't respect that, then that's too bad. I hope to take this summer, get back to myself and come back in the fall better than ever!! So here is a little update:

I've lost 108 pounds
I wear a size 8, which is down from a size 18

So I'm 3 months out today and boy has my life changed dramatically. First of all I've lost 75 pounds total, 53 since surgery. I've never lost this much weight ever, in my life. To see my body change has been incredible. I feel so much better about myself, I'm more confident. I like the way I look in clothes, it's crazy. I know it's going to just keep getting better, but my dreams are coming true in big ways. I'm now wearing a size 10 pants. That in itself is crazy. Ive never worn a size 10 in my life. My health has improved dramatically, my diabetes is gone, my sleep apnea is gone and my high blood pressure is gone. Amazing! Physically, I'm getting into shape and for the first time I actually love working out. I'm training for a 5k. I'm running... I'm freaking running... this is crazy. 3-4 days a week I'm running and doing strength training. I've never felt this good in my life.