Today I am at 219.  This is SO much more than WLS!  I am addicted to food.  I do know this and over the past week I have decided to do something about it.  I am eating right and I will once again see ONEderland!!  It's not going to be as easy as it was the first time, but I CAN and I will get there.

I'm back here again.  I need support.  I have never attained my goal weight and I will be out 2 years this May.  Today I am re-committing myself as I did in May 2008.  Today I am 213 lbs.  Okay there I said it!!!  I was once in onederland.  No more.  I will be there again.  My goal is 165 lbs this time.  I have 48 lbs to go and would like to hit it by my 2nd surgiversary.  Impossible, maybe, but still I will try.  Whoever said that this was the "easy way out" has lost their mind.

 . . . I really thought about how I "feel" about food and here's what I came up with.

I feel cheated.  I feel entitled.  I think that I am basically a "good" person and I deserve to be able to eat, what I want and when I want and as much as I want. 
.... (stop! Light bulb.)  Where does this come from?  My life experiences:  food=success, fun, happiness.  Whenever I did well in school or did something exceptional, what was there? a big old cake or an apple dumpling or an oreo.  Whenever we got a treat, what was it?  Ice cream, pie.  Whenever there was a birthday or a party with family, what was there? a banquet full of the most delicious food in the world.  Food has been at every "success" in my life.  So I feel that, I have been a good person, I am entitled to "enjoy" myself and the only way that I know how to enjoy myself is to celebrate with food.  WOW!  What a thought.  The thing that has been taught to me all my life and the "benefit" of doing well in life is my downfall.  I have often said that I can control everything else in life, except food.  I feel that I have no control over food, but do I.  If last night's support topic is correct, food is the action from the feeling.  If I can only realize the feeling and be aware of the feeling, before I stuff in that next cookie or carb-laden treat, I can get to my goal.  What to do about it at this time is hard for me to know.  But I know that I have been made aware of the pattern and I will be conscious of the action and therefore, the thought and see what I can do to try to re-train my brain.  I also know that I need to stop being a "mind reader" and think that I know what everyone is thinking about me.  Like when I go to the pool and can't get up off my chair for fear that someone is looking at me saying "OMG, look at her, does she know how she looks?  If she did, she wouldn't be here with that on." 
This journey is so not over.

Well this is my one year post.  I wish I could say that I am at goal, but I'm not.  So read on . . . or not if you are not interested, because I am doing this for me.

"What happened?" were the words that came to his mouth when I finally went to see Dr. K for my 1 year appointment.  I knew in my mind that he wouldn't be happy with me and I deserve everything that I got yesterday.  It's time for me to come clean.  I missed my 6 month appointment because I had no time to take off from work so he hadn't seen me in 9 months.  At my 3 month appointment he surprisingly told me that he thought I was doing great.  At my 6 month mark.  I was at about 96 lbs lost.  Yesterday when I got on the scale it read 191.  I had only lost about 40 lbs from my 3 month appointment.  That's nine months ago.  So I started this journey a year ago at about 303 lbs.  So I have lost a total of about 112 lbs in the past year.  To anyone else, this would be wonderful.  For a gastric bypass patient, not so much!  Especially for a patient of Dr. K's.  He expects alot from his patients.  And that's what I want, that's what I need. 

How has this year changed me?  I no longer am diabetic, I do not take any medications, I do not sleep with a CPAP, I can and do get out of the house every minute that I can, I do have energy, I feel like playing with the grandkids, i was able to fit in a roller coaster, people have noticed and commented about how great I am doing, I can fit in the booth at the restaurant, i am no longer worried that if I sit in a folding chair that it may collapse, I can buy clothes from the "non plus-size" part of the store, I completed a full-marathon and pushed myself to physical limits that I never thought possible.

What hasn't changed?  The way that I think/or don't think about food.  I still love food.  I love it's taste and I eat things that I know I should be eating.  I eat more than I know I should to sustain or loose the final 40 lbs that I need to loose.  I still see myself at that "morbidly obese" girl that is sometimes afraid to get out and do something because of "what people might say" about her.  I still head for the plus size clothes first, thinking that this is where I belong and that people may be thinking, what is she doing over on this size, she knows she can't fit that.  My food cravings.  I still love sweets and I still love "crunchy" carb loaded snacks.  I sometimes can't determine whether it's real hunger or head-hunger.  I still eat without consciousness.  I still eat when I'm not hungry.  I still eat after I'm full.  I am still afraid of being a failure.

So, Dr. K has given me an appointment in 3 months for a weight check.  What am I going to do.  I am going to do everything in my power for the next 3 months to be a "success."  I will take one day at a time and one minute at a time if I need to.  I will not eat food that is not good for me.  I will journal to help me see what I'm doing and correct issues that I have had.  I refuse to be a WLS failure.  I refuse to blame my surgery or the surgeon for failing me.  I know that Dr. K is tough, but he wants his patients to be success stories.  You haven't heard the last from me.  I refuse to fail and I will fight every minute to overcome a lifetime of unhealthy food relationships.

Well, I've made a committment to walk in the AVON Breast Cancer walk.  This is a 2 day event that is held in Washington, DC on May 2-3.  What does that mean?
Personally it means to me, that I can give to those in need.  I am proud to be a cancer survivor and I know what it means to be told that you have cancer and how it devistates your life so much that you can't breathe.  Now that I am healthier, I can make a commitment to help others with their health issues (do you know how good it feels to say that?)
Health wise it means a lot of training between now and May.  I started about 2 weeks ago and I'm up to 4 miles a night (that's a long way from 26).  I feel good working out and I hope it facilitates my weight loss again.
Financially it means that I really have to raise the $1800 required for me to participate in the event.  It would be devistating if I trained for the next 12 weeks and then didn't have the funds raised to participate.  I certainly don't have the means to do it all myself.  It's a great cause and I appreciate all that will help me in it.  I'm trying to find creative ways to solicit money as I know these are difficult times.
This is a long road, but it is getting shorter to meet my goal!!!  Finally!