Yesterday I just finished my last appointment with the nutrionist that my insurance is requiring before they approve (or deny) my request for surgery. So this is starting to become reality. I’m anxious, excited, and scared all at the same time but I KNOW 100% this is the right decision. Of course of have that feeling of what if I fail at this, which makes you scared to try. I’m fighting that feeling. For the life of me I can not picture myself losing weight. Its something I’ve never done I’ve only gained weight. I’ve maybe lost 5 to 10lbs here and there but nothing more than that and if I lost those pounds they’d come back plus some more. Which is why I’m at this point. Last month at my appointment I had gained 5lbs so I was at my heaviest of 320. I couldn’t believe it. When I look in the mirror I don’t see the 320 person staring back at me. I think that is why the denial of my weight went on for so long. It’s kind of like when an anorexic looks in the mirror they don’t see how skinny they are. Our brains fool us into seeing something else. While on this 6 month journey for insurance approval I’ve been looking at how clutter is a primary problem in my life. I have body clutter (unhealthy habits with food/weight), I have financial clutter, I have physical clutter all around my home. For years I’ve ignored all this clutter. I complain about it in my life all the time but do I take the action to do anything with it? This surgery will be my first tool in fighting this clutter. I feel if I can learn to declutter my body and take care of myself it will motivate me in my other areas. If I can love myself I can do anything. Yet how do I love myself. I hate myself because of the clutter yet the clutter is in my life because I hate myself. Its this vicious circle that I haven’t ever been able to get out of. Lets hope this is the first step.