ObesityHelp

Hi, my name is Kimberly, and I am so excited that I found this forum. What a God send. I never had a problem with my weight until I had my first child. Since then I have lost massive amounts of weight and gained back even more. I am now 48 years old and have been over weight (this time) for about six years. I have had one of my knees replaced because of arthritis. I have sleep apnea, where i wake at least once a night because i cannot breathe. I cannot climb steps. I have no lap and I cannot cross my legs. Do not sit next to me if I am waving at someone, or you may get knocked over by my upper arms. I am tired of feeling like crap and feeling like a failure, because I can't lose weight and can't seem to control my food intake.

4-3-06: I made an appointment with a bariatric surgeon for may 24 (after finals). Just having tha appointment makes me feel as if I have taken a positive step.

 

4-5-06: Today in class the instructor started talking about obesity. I wanted to crawl under the desk (yeah, like I could fit under there!!) I felt as if everyone was staring at me, even though I know it wasn't true. At break I called my husband Alan, to tell him about it. He told me that no one waslooking at me. He told me that I am a good person, he always can make me smile.

4-16-06: well, i told my family anout wanting the wls. the kids were good, but my parents would flip out...so i'm not going to tell them. i will get the "that is dangerous, just lose weight, are you nuts" speech. i need to remind myself to keep strong. here are just some of the reasons:

i want to be able to sit on the floor to play with my grandkids, without having to have two people get me back up.
i want to be healthy
i want to be able to cross my legs
i want to be able to walk into a classroom without wondering if i'm going to be able to fit in the desks
i want to be able to climb a flight of stairs without getting completely out of breath
i want to be able to have sex again
i want to not feel self concious when i eat in public
i want to be able to sit in the bath tub
i want to be able to tie my shoes without feeling like i am going to pass out.
i want to buy panties at victoria's secret instead of granny panties from wal-mart.
i want to go to a yankees game without getting stuck in a turn style
i want to not be afraid to meet new people
i want to sit on the floor without looking like a water buffalo when i get up.
as a nurse, i want to be able to present a healthy example for my patients
i want to have the energy to clean my house, and do things that i used to be able to do

4-30-06

just finished what has taken on a ritual air.....taking a shower (aka: the danse macarbe)

(just a note....i hate showers, and love baths, but since i can't get my big butt in and out of the bath...no longer an option)

step one:

get in, banging my toes against metal shower door track on tub. swear.

step two:

drop the hand held shower thing, bend to pick it up...damn near pass out

step three:

drop the bottle of shampoo, bend to pick it up....damn near pass out

step three:

after washing, get out of shower, banging my toes against the metal shower door track on tub. swear

step four:

bend over to get dressed....damn near pass out


i can't wait to be thin again......

5-9-06: i got very depressed today. i got a catalog in the mail (not one of my roaman's, lane bryant, jessica what's her name...you know, fat chick catalogs). i started to look through it and the clothes were so pretty. but the sizes only went up to 16. never in my wildest dreams did i ever think i would get to the point where i was thinking "only size 16".....i was a size 8 for years....at one time i got down to a size 2...but here i sit at a size 22 and it frickin' sucks!!!

5-15-06: we took my mother in law out to lunch today for a belated mother's day. two times in the course of the meal she refered to me as "people who are your size" and in the car on the way home, came right out and asked me why i didn't lose weight. i held my tongue because she is alan's mom and they are just starting to have a relationship again.l but, all in all it was a very trying afternoon.

5-24-06: woo-hoo!!!!! had my consult today and it went great. i have already scheduled all my tests and will have them all finished within the next two weeks. i go back in four weeks to get my date, and there will be no problem getting it done before school starts in september. allison the insurance lady says that there should be no problem with approval (if there is, i will self-pay). yes tina, you were right....piece of cake... this is really gonna happen!!!! i will go back in two weeks to start my opti-fast (which dr. v. requires before surgery).

5-25-06: today i went to pulmonologist and had psych. exam. it is now official, i know how to breathe and i'm not nuts. i have a few days to get my diet history together for pcp. then on 6-1-06, i go see her and then that night i have my sleep study. things seem to be whipping right along.

6-2-06: last night i had my sleep study,,,and the way everyone talked about it in their profile, i expected the worst. in truth there was nothing to it. oh sure it wasn't my bed, with my husband and my dog, but it was okay. took a while to get to sleep and then about halfway through the night the tech. came in and put on the c-pap. after i got used to the thing on my face (which made me feel like snuffleluffegus) and the noise, i actually slept better than i have in a long time. also went to cardio. today.. go back next week for my stress test....that's the one i'm dreading!!





6-8-06: sweet mother of crap!!! i am sooooooo tired of dr.'s. i went to my pcp today to get blood worki and letter of necessity. i have been poked and prodded and i'm beginning to think that everyone on long island has seen me half naked (woo!hoo!....big thrill for them). when the tech was drawing my blood today she asked me what kind of surgery i was having. when i told her gastric bypass she said "aren't you scared? i would be." well honey, the truth is that i'm more scared of dying of some fat related disease than of the surgery. she didn't mean any harm, i know, it's just unless you are obese, you don't understand. my mother is still having a fit because i am going to "mutilate myself". but dear old mom will also be the first person to point out to me that i am getting bigger. okay so i'm venting....i'm just tired of all of the running from here to there and am just ready to get this show on the road. tomorrow i go and see the nutritionist and start my opti-fast.....then i will be a REAL a-hole!!!

oh and i almost forgot. i had my endoscopy. i was worried for absolutely nothing. they stuck an i.v., put the juice to my caboose and i don't remember anything until it was over and they were waking me up. piece of cake!

6-9-06: well gang, i went and picked up my optifast today....and it's not looking good for the home team....two shakes a bar and one meal (meat and veggies) each day and that's it.....that sure isn't much....and i'm not planning on having my surgery until the first week in august. hmmm.......

 

6-11-06: haven't posted in a couple of days, because all i would have done was whine. this diet is soooo hard...plus i'm supposed to drink 60 oz. of water a day....i try, but the last couple of nights i haven't slep very well because i am up and down to the bathroom all night :-( i was supposed to have my stress test today, but they called nad rescheduled...something about a malfunction with the equipment. this whole thing just seems never ending...i just want to know that i have a date. i guess when all of my tests are done i will begin the insurance battle. from what i understand from other patients, dr. v's office takes care of everything, but i just can't stand not knowing. even though i will be waiting untill august for the surgery....i can handle the wait, as long as i know that it is going to happen. i hope everything goes okay. two of my friends have gotten strictures, but though painful, it seems that they can be taken care of fairly easily, if you don't get dehydrated. well, apprently i am just going to babble....it's better than eating. will post after stress test on wed.



6-14-06:
woo!hoo! as of today i am officially done with all of my tests. today was the cardiac stress test. now the waiting starts. i will go to dr. v.'s office on 6-21 and get my date. then they start with all of the insurance stuff. allisison, the insurance guru, takes care of everything. she knows exactly what i need and i don't have to do anything. do you think that this is really gonna happen? can i get a "hell, yeah"?


6-20-06: well, tomorrow's the day that i get my date.....hope nothing goes wrong. i have changed my plans. i was going to take a statistics class and wait and do my surgery in august. but, i've decided to try and get my surgery earlier. if i can, then i will drop my summer class. that way i will have more time to heal before i start my hospital rotation in the fall. hopefully when i post again, i will have good news.

later: well i just got a letter from my pcp about my blood work. my cholesterol is VERY HIGH (her capital letters) and she wants to see me about it. i have an appointment with her tomorrow. she is in the same building with my surgeon so i guess i will be there all day. i know that wls can only help me to lower my cholesterol. i am just scared that because it is 298 i won't be able to have my surgery. i'm suppose to take lipitor, but i'm not very diligent with it (obviously). i have posted about it on the message board, and hopefully i will get some good answers. even if i have to wait there is still time before school starts. all of my other tests have come bacj fine, slthough i still haven't heard about my sleep study. hopefully i can get those results tomorrow too.

okay, so i got some really good responses on the board. apparently high cholesterol is a reason to HAVE the surgery, not a reason to STOP the surgery. why am i getting so squirelly the closer i get to finding my date? i guess it's because i realllllllllllly want this tool and i just can't have them tell me no....i just can't!!



6-21-06: well after a very long and trying day, in which i burst into tears at the doctor's office....I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! 7-31-06, which seems like forever from now, but i know it will go fast. i weighed in when i got opti-fast and i have lost three pounds. much better than last week, when i gained a pound. dr. v. wants me to lose 22 pounds before surgery. my husband, who can be so completely clueless wanted to know why, if i could lose 22 pounds i just couldn't lose all of it with opti-fast. i honest to god don't know if he has paid any attention at all over the 28 years that we have been married. as i tried to be patient in explaining to him....it's not the losing the weight, it's the keeping it off. i have lost so much weight in my life, that by all logical rules i should be hanging from a charm bracelet, but as everyone here knows....it always comes back and brings all of it friends along for the ride. i suppose if i existed on nothing but these nasty ass shakes and bars i could keep my weight off, but life just doesn't happen that way. i will be lucky if i can stick with this crap until my surgery. anyway, there is my rant. but, I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!!!! now the next step is insurance approval. dr. v's office requires that you get a date before they start on your approval. amy, the nurse, said that she has worked with dr. v. for four years and has never had anyone that was not approved. i don't have to do anything....they know exactly what to do. watch me be the very first one to not get approved. well, i can't worry about that. i have enough on my plate (pardon the expression) right now. oh, and by the way, I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy that i could plotz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


6-23-06: as much as i hate to admit it, this opti-fast may be working. it ought too, since with it and all the water i'm drinking, i pee every 15 min. i feel like hammered crap, but i glanced in the mirror today and thought that my face looked a little thinner. then this evening my husband, who normally wouldn't notice if i burst in to flames said "huh, i can tell you've lost a little weight". if i am getting this excited over a little water weight, just think how obnoxious i'll be once i really start losing!!


6-27-06: not much new here...still on the optifast, and it still sucks :-( i think my hardest battle is no soda....i LOVE my soda, but i have been pretty good...i did cheat and have a small glass of diet pepsi last night, but that was the first time in two weeks. i also really miss my coffee. i have to get up at 4:00 every morning to start my route (i deliver papers as well as go to school full time). i love my coffee, so a couple of days ago i figured i'd stop into duncan donuts and get a decaf.it tasted like hot water with a brown crayon dipped in it.....yuck, no like. i'd rather do without.

6-30-06: weighed in today at dr. v.'s. i lost 4.5 pounds this week, 7.5 total....insurance is still pending....i'm trying not to worry. everyone at his office has told me that i will be approved. so now i just wait.

7-4-06: happy 4th! i have been trying to "practice eat" on my one meal that i have in the evening and have been doing pretty well. today was a test. we took our middle son out to a thai restaurant for his birthday. i ordered a veggie dish and as soon as it cam i took two spoonfuls on a smaller plate and had the rest wrapped right then, so i would not be tempted to eat too much. boy, did i feel nobel. i even passed on the appatizer that was ordered. i tried not to be smug, but i get the feeling that once i have my wls, i will become a food nazi, and try to correct everyone elses eating habbits. hope not!!





7-07-06: weighed in at doctor's today and am down another 4.5 pounds...that makes 14 total. i don't feel like i have lost that much, and my clothes aren't really fitting any different. still pending on insurance approval. i was told to be patient, that there shouldn't be any problem, but this is a BIG deal here. if we have to take out a second on the house i need to know. well, three weeks and three days until surgery.



7-8-06: i'm pooped....
today i had to take a cpr class, 6 hours worth. thank god we got to work on the manequins on the tab les. if i would have had to get down on the floor i would still be there. god knows, no one would have been able to haul my butt back up. that's something else i am looking forward to; not being tired after any type of physical activity

07-11-06: i have support group tonight....wish i wasn't going, i have such a headache. still nothing from insurance. i mentioned in an earlier post how dr. v's nurse amy said that in all the time she has worked there, no one has ever been denied by insurance.....i am still waiting to hear. but today, ala (my d.h.) asked her how many people get denied by aetna....i guess she forgot the party line, as she said "30% get denied". the worst part is that she said that they won't know anything until 7-25...THAT'S SIX DAYS BEFORE I AM TO HAVE MY SURGERY!!! i will have it even if i have to self pay, but that doesn't give us alot of time to get that second mortgage on the house. i get a little upset with the attitude at dr. v's sometimes....they act as if it is no big deal. i don't know about you, but 25k is a big deal for us!!!

7-12-06: two weeks five days until surgery. boy did i do something stupid yesterday....i let my old "fat kim" habits take over. i really wanted more that my optifast for lunch, so i figured i'd go to taco bell and get some pintos and cheese (sans cheese, so i guess just pintos). but when i got to t.b. i remembered the commercials for the crunch wrap, and like an ass, i got one. i figured i would just pickl out the chicken and eat that....YEAH RIGHT, like that happened. i started to eat it and got about 1/2 way through and i had to throw up. it really kicked my butt. i guess since i haven't had anything greasy and junky in four weeks it just didn't sit well. and something else....even before it jumped my butt, it didn't taste nearly as good as i thought it would. this is an important lesson. i think that sometime just thinking about something makes it seem more appealing than it really is (if that makes any sense). so i guess i kinda had a pre-op dumping episode.

7-16-06: a couple of week ends ago we went to ikea, and i bought an armoire for my office. alan put it together today....it is right across from my desk, and it has a mirror on the front. damnnnnnnnnnnnn... i haven't looked at me all at once in a long time. vowed....i will not go out in my shorts until i have lost about 50 pounds....i didn't realize how bad i actually looked!!!

7-17-06:
okay...two weeks to go ....this time two weeks from now i should be in la-la land, having my innards re-routed. am i getting scared? you betcha. not scared of the surgery....i've had a few of them. i am just scared of the pain and of what my life will be afterward....i'm going to try and not go on the "kim farewell to food tour". there really aren't too many things i want. but i do want one more pizza and an order of tostado nachos from friday's.....maybe one more trip to cold stone creamery too!!

7-23-06: still waiting for insurance...i am a basket case!!! i had an optifast free day yesterday....i had a corned beef sandwich on rye toast...that was living in itself. i've had coffe the past couple of days. i was doing so well without it, but i'm kind of at the "screw it" stage. i'll have plenty of time to not have coffee.

7-24-06: well this time next week i will be at the hospital. i'm not really scared any more, just impatient for the day to get here. i am sure that this week-end though the nerves will kick in. i am debating calling aetna today. maybe i don't want to know....if it's going to be bad news. well, there is only one thing to do. i will put on my big girl panties (and in my case GREAT BIG girl GRANNY PANTIES) and give them a call....will let you know later what they said. well, i am denied....and my doctors office said that they appealed twice. apparently i am not fat enough. even though with my co-morbidites i fall within aetna's guide lines. i am soooooooooooo upset. i will still have the surgery. i have to, or i will not be able to continue my education. my joints just cannot take all of the weight that i will put on them being on my feet all day. i have called an attorney recommended by dr. v's office. i left a message and am waiting on him to call me back.


ok i feel a little better now.....no call from the attorney....but plenty of action at dr. v's office. they tried everything they could and aetna is still saying "no" (bastards). so i will have the surgery.....then appeal....and get a refund. amy said that rather than the 30k they charge insurance, i will pay 18k. maybe the fact that we are actually having to spend this much money will be a motivating factor for me to follow the program to the letter after surgery.

7-25-06: still feeling like crap. even though the surgery is going on as planned, i feel as though i have had the wind knocked out of me. i keep trying to tell myself that it could be worse. i could NOT be going to have this surgery. i am lucky that we are able to take an equity loan on the house to get the money for the surgery. also, aetna may SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK, but at least we don't pay for any of it. my dh has it in his union contract that we pay 0% of our health care premiums. i need to feel more up beat before surgery, but this just makes me feel like a failure at another thing. sweet mother of crap, i can't even be fat without eff-ing it up:-(.....how can i screw up being fat? well, i've had my pitty party. i have got to snap out of this!!

6-26-06: oh my god.........what a day. i arrived at 8:00 this a.m. at the hospital for pre-surgery testing. i got a very strange look from the ladies in admissions. they told me to have a seat and they kind of started whispering. we sat there for about fifteen minutes. finally alan got up and asked if there was a problem. boy, was there. my surgeons office had cancelled my surgery. never called me or anything. so, i started to cry (which is what i do best any more). the sweetest lady from admissions came and calmed me down. they left a message for my surgeons office. the office finally called back. the surgery was back on, but now at 1:30 instead of 6:30, but at least the same day. when i got done with my tests, i went to my surgeons office. when i went in to talk to dr. vohra, he said that they cancelled my surgery because of insurance denial. i explained to him that we were going to go ahead and pay for it ourselves, and he looked at me like i had lobsters crawling out of my ears. he said why don't you wait six monhts and see if an attorney can get it over turned before you have the surgery. and in the mean time stay on optifast. well lets see 900.00 for the attorney (and it might not work) plus 900.00 for six more months of oppti-fast. screw that. so basically i had to sign off that i would not get the money re-imbursed from dr. v., but i may still be able to get re-imbursement from hospital if i decide to sue aetna. so i got home at 5:00 this evening. and supposedly now, my surgery is good to go. but i will belive it when i am on that operating table. and just to put a topper on the day, when they did my labs at the hospital, i have a uti. my primary doc isn't gong to put my surgery on hold, but gave me industrial strngth meds for it. i keep saying that i'm not going to write until i can finally have "happy thoughts", but that doesn't seem to be happening here lately. here's hoping and praying that all of this trouble is behind me.

7-28-06:

whee for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had to have a cat scan today and it was okay. amy just called from dr. v's office and i am good to go on monday....11:00...........yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i did the happy dance....it scared the poo out of the dog, too!!

7-29-06: today i must eat like a good girl. i have been eating like food is leaving the planet for the last week. well, not really alot, but things i shouldn't be having. i even had a farewell icecream at cold stone yesterday (yum!). so today i will do my optifast and not cheat. maybe then tomorrows bowel prep won't be quite so cataclysmic. i have been working on my incentive spirometer until i am light headed. dr. v. really wants me to work my lungs. when i had my cat scan yesterday it showed that i had a nodule. it will not prevent my surgery, but while i am in the hospital, they want me to have another chest x-ray. anyway, i want to make sure that my lungs are at their strongest. starting to get alittle anxious about my new life, but i am so ready for it to begin!!

8-4-06: well i am home. i got home about 10:00 yesterday morning. i will try and put down my hospital experience, and be objective. right now i feel prettty crummy, but i know that will pass, and i don't want it to color my narrative. so here goes.

on 7-31-06{" i got to the hospital about 9:30. i got right back to a holding room and al got to stay with me the whole time. it took three tries, but the i.v. got in. amy from dr; v's office came dancing in with my barri/cough bear, singing "i will survive" she is such a funny up beat person. she gave me a hug and told me she would see me soon. surgery was scheduled for 11:30, but there was a hold up with the operating suite, so they didn't come for me until about 1:00. they moved me into the room and had me scoot onto this little cot thing.. they were very good about telling me exactly what they were doing and why they were doing it. there were these two arm rest that went straight out and my arms were strapped to them. what popped into my mind is that this is just how we trussed up the animals in anatomy before we disected them. damn, was that an image that i didn't need. then the anesthiologist (dr. houston, who was so nice). said i am going to give you something to make you a little sleepy. then boom....i was gone

now something absolutely amazing happened. i went to sleep as a rather scared, polite, cooperative woman.....and awoke as the she witch from hell!!!

next thing i knew was i was in the o.r. and they were done. i don't really remember the n.g. tube being removed, but i had the sensation that it had just been removed. then i started complaining of pain. they whisked me into recovery. and i complained in there too. the nurses gave me something. then asked about my pain level. big, huge, mistake, because it still hurt and when i told them that, i think that i callled one of them a name. after the third shot, the pain was manageable, but i felt so sick. apparently morephine is not my friend. so they gave me something for the urps. my doc does not use pca's. so they got my pain level regulated and then took me down to my room. when we got to the door of my room, they bumped the wall and i was ugly again. i don't remember exactly what i said, but alan said it was pretty nasty. after what seemed like a few minutes, they came to get me to walk. alan put on my slippers and the nurses helped to stand me up. i remember taking one step and that was it. i wasn't going to walk any more. i told the nurse that was it for me, and she said that i had to walk. alan said "you know you have to walk." so being the sweet wife i am, i turned on him and said "screw you" only i think i used a word that wasn't so nice. well, he got upset and left for home and the kids. and even at that time i couldn't blame him. i couldn't believe that i was being so nasty....but it was just coming out. so, i laid back down and they hooked me up to the leg squisher things. since i had a foley cath. in i didn't have to worry about using the bathroom. before i knew it i was out. i woke up about 2:00a.m. and i was so stiff....and i wanted to roll over, but i couldn't. about time, mary, the sweetest nurse, was passing my room and saw me struggling. she suggested the recliner, and even though i doubted that it would be comfortable, i went along and she helped get me settled. that was the somfiest place i had ever been. and i never got back into the hospital bed after that.

on 8-1-06: i had to have them change my pain meds. the morphine just made me too sick. they swapped me to demerol injections. i was more myself that day.....a little cooperator. so i walked when ever asked and walked some more on my own. they removed my cath. so i developed a schedule. every time that i would get up to use the bathroom, i would make a lap of the hall way. had a really hard time with the left side inciscion. ow! about noon they came and got me for my leak test. omg....can you say "YUCK". it went down, and thank god it stayed down as long as it needed to, because there is no way that i could have slammed that shot again. they took a pic. and then i said if you have a basin, i need it, because i am going to get sick. well they did and i was. people talk about the "foamies" well that's what i did, i foamed up. everything went okay and i was so excited to get to have my water. and thanks to my sweet ohs friend julie, i even had a goblet to drink it out of!! little did i know that water would become my nemises. i just couldn't seem to drink enough. they brought me some jello and broth....and three bottles of water. everytime they came with jello they came with three bottles of water....i had a collection of twelve before it was time to go home. i just couldn't seem to drink all that i needed. becuase of that i couldn't go home that day. the temp was about 100 degrees and doc. v. and gabe (his p.a.), just didn't want to send me home in all that heat with a good chance that i would become dehydrated.

8-3: gabe came around early and asked how i was doing with my water....i told him i was only able to do two bottles the day before, but i would keep trying. then he asked me if i wanted to go home. boy did i!! i called al, because he wasn't planning on coming until later. what a horrible ride home....it's a straight shot, 10 min. ride, but i never realized how many pot holes there are on merrick road. i some how had it in my mind that everything would be fine once i got home. but i still hurt, i still had water troubles, but at least i was home.

8-7-06: cock your pistol, you're not going to believe this.....i ended up in the e.r. last night. i feel as if i have taken a giant step backwards in my recovery. i felt really great the firts couple of days i was home, but by saturday i was having a lot of pain. my big incision on the left wqas kind of red and a little swollen. after debating for a day, i finally decided to call dr. v.'s office. dr. n. called me backn and told me to get to the e.r. he had to re-open my wound, without anestesia and it hurt like a b! then he cleaned it . irrigated it, packed it, and dressed it. i was also severely dehydrated. i had to get two bags of fluids and two bags of antibiotics. it took a very long time to find a vein, as i don't have many left. the visiting nurse is coming to day to dress my wounds. i'm glad because i wouldn't want to touch it. anyway, i feel better, but like i have taken a step backwards. i am making a concerted effort to get in all my water, but i haven't felt like eating. i've only had an ice pop today and it's 1400 hrs. i am just so sick of the few things i can have.....it just doesn't seem worth the bother.

8-8-06: well confesion is good for the soul, so here goes. i am not supposed to have anything but jello, broth and water until i go and see the doc. tomorrow,but today i couldn't stand it. i took a small piece of deli turkey. gnawed on it for a bit and then spit it out. while i should feel terribley guilty, it was wonderful. i just hope that i am not starting out n the wrong foot. it was something i will be able to have soon. it wasn't like i ate a knish or something....but then that sounds like i'm justifying my actions. i just hope that this isn't a bad sign. i went through the wringer to get this surgery and i don't want to mess it up. tomorrow will be my first official weigh in since surgery. i have a scale but i am trying not to get on ut....besides it is way off from the doctors scale. will let you know. and woo-hoo! no more j.p. drain after tomorrow. i feel like i have a hand grenade strapped to my side or something.

 MY DEAR JULIE FROM MAINE IS NOW A MEMBER OF THE CENTURY CLUB....100 POUNDS GONE FOREVER...WAY TO GO, MY LOVE!!

8-9-06: well today's the day...my first post op doctor's appointment. i have already planned to make some hummus if he says that i can have mushies. i am going to try and take the time to cook, using the freshest ingredients i can. i know that this probably won't last, but right now, i just don't want to waste my limited food intake on "fake" food.....i'll let you know how it goes at dr. v.'s....here i go...


i don't know if i just set my self up for disappoinment....or if i am really a failure. i did get my drain taken out today, but that's about all that went like i hoped. no mushies for one more week,,,,and then only yogurt, cottage cheese or ricotta until five weeks. and the worst part of all....i only lost 6 pounds. even the guy i was visiting with lost 13....and he had lap band. i guess i am just going to be a slow loser....

so here i sit, almost as fat as i was before surgery, with the same old boring stuff to try and get down twice a day...sheesh... i did get my vitamins today and got some new protein powder at trader joe's. it's not great, but at least it doesn't smell like feet like a lot of them do.

yes as you can tell i am at the total "i've hit rock bottom" point that everyone talks about. i feel like a failure at this and wish i hadn't done it and now i am crying and acting like a boob....so i'll quit for writing for now,,,

8-10-06: wow did i learn a lesson today. i'm getting pretty bored with my protein shakes so i thought i's take a chocolate one and drop in a little spoon of penaut butter just to make it intereseting.....man, it was interesting all right. i forgot that peanut butter has sugar in it. i had my first dumping episode. i was about half way finished with it when i felt flushed....and i got super nauseous. i had to lay down for about an hour. i'm better now, so i guess it was a good lesson.

i started back with the route this morning, and even though alan bagged all of my papers for me it was still hard, and i am very tired. then when i got home, after the home nursde left, i went to kohl's to get al a birthday present. this is the most activity i have had since i goot home from the hospital. so i think i will just kick back the rest of the day. i feel strong until i actually get up and try to do something. i feel as if i am behind where i should be with my activities, but that infection is kicking my butt. it still is quite sore, and i have to be careful because i still have a gaping wound in my left side.

8-11-06: this morning i took my big honkin' anti-biotic. i usually split it, but i was in a hurry as my nurse was coming. it felt like it got stuck for just a little bit. very unvomfortablr feeling right in the middle of my chest. sincethen, jello, swallows of water, broth, all seem to not go down as smoothinly as they did. i have not thrown up, but then i have nothing to throw up. yes i am 11 days out and still on clear liquids. i cannot start yogurt or cottage cheese til monday. i'm not going to call the doc's offive because i do not want to know. i can't handle it right now. i am having all i can do to handle this hole in my side. it doesn't seem to be healing properly. i don't know why i thought i would sail through this. if anyone were ever going to have a complication it would be me. i can't seem to get warm today.....i hope that's not a sign that the infection is spreading.

8-14-06: funny how i don't update very day any more.....guess i just don't have that pre-op buzz. that plus my butt is dragging because i have started my route again. i just stay tired. i have no idea how much i've lost. our scale is wrong, so there is no sense gfetting on it. yesterday alan looked at me and said. "your face looks thinner, for some reason". the "for some reason" part just cracks me up....maybe he doesn't know why i was in the hospital. i told him taht the reason was because i had surgery and am losing weight. he laughed and said he didn't know why he put it that way.
i'mn having major protein problems....everything that i have tried is WAY too sweet. i think it's just that my tastes have change,d, because i keep making the kids and al sip some and it tastes fine to them. i have yet to go one single day where i got all of my protein. i either have to stop....or i get some of it down and it makes me throw up. i don't know what to do.....i don't want to be bald!!!!!!!!!! they have some interesting recipes for protein balls, but i just can't imagine....that sweet ass powder and then add honey? besides, it's too early for me to have the oatmeal. i eat nothing now but cottage cheese and then i have a thin slice of fat free swiss in the evening, but apprently even that isn't considered a protein. how am i ever gonna get through the rest of my life trying to drink this crap? i get kind of scared sometimes. my friend joe, well his mother had by-pass surgery about five years ago. she couldn't get her needed food and eventually died of malnutrition, after months in the hospital. i don't want that to happen. i'm just afraid that when the protein makes me puke, i am getting rid of the other things i ate , too. i posted on the message board, and hopefully someone has a solution. maybe there is some kind of protein stuff that doesn't have a taste,

8-16-06:

everything that i have had to eat or drink for the last two days has either gotten stuck, or i've thrown it up....even the water. i'm afraid i have a stricture, but i don't know what they are going to do. i know that they do an endoscope, but i am afraid that they will put me in the hospital, and i can't do that. alan will be mad, because that will mean i can't work. and ever since we had to pay for this surgery ourselves he is on my ass constantly. i guess i will talk to the home nurse when she comes today to check my inciscion. then i will decide if i want to tell the doctor when i go today for my appointment.

later....back from the hospital, where i got three bags of fluid for dehydration. tomorrow i am going to have my stricture scoped.....damn this sucks!!

but i did lose 6 more pounds... that's twelve total, and for the first time in over a year i weigh under 200 pounds....i'm 199 whee for me!!!!!!!!!!

8-17-06: i feel so much more energetic today...i know it's because i am hydrated. i hope that after my endoscopy today i will be able to get my water in. everyone talks about all of the energy that they have, well today i have it. i guess the reason i spent so much time dragging around is because i wasn't getting my water in. well, after i get rid of this stricture i am going to become a water feind. will write more when i get back from the hospital.

8-18-06:

whew! do i feel better. i had my endoscopy with dialation yesterday afternoon, and i can finally eat and drink again. i had two bottles of water, and a little bit of pinto's and cheese when i got home....pure heaven. but, i'm not 100% yet. since my opening is apparently really small, i get to do thewhole thing again in two weeks. it wasn't bad, i went to the hospital, and they did it out patient. the nurses and the doctors on the endoscopy unit are the absolute sweetest peopple. i have a little bit of a sore throat today, but that's it. plus, they gave me alot of extra fluids, so that helped too. i hope this is my last bump in the road,. i can't wait to start exercising. however, now i can't really even do much walking because of the open wound on my left side. it seems to be getting a little smaller every day. dr. nishamura thinks it should be completely healed in another two weeks....then watch out, i will be an exercising machine!!

8-20-06: so depressed today....i feel fat and i'm tired. i feel like i eat way too much, but i am so hungry.....i don't eat alot when i eat, but i feel like i eat to often. i'm makng the mistake of getting on the scale two or three times a day....i know htat's why it doesn't seem like it's moving. i just want to cry....did i make a mistake having this surgery? i know that everyone talks about plateau's, but i can't have hit one, it hasn't even been a month. most people lose more in their first week then i have in three. i guess i'm just gonna be fat forever. i thought that by this time i would at least be able to fit into some smaller clothes....how am i ever going to be able to start school in two weeks when i'm still a fat pig?????

8-22-06: boy was i a pill the other day....glad that passed. i am wearing my wedding rings today for the first time in almost two years. i am also wearing an outfit that i ordered this past spring. i was never able to wear it because it was too small. by my calculations (although my scale isn't as precise as dr. v's) i have lost a total of 18 pounds....but the only thing that is noticibly smaller is my face....i feel like zippy the pin head! i have this little head perched on this big body....hopefully, my body will catch up soon.

-26-06:

well, it only took me almost four weeks, but it finally found something i can comfortably eat!!i tried tuna, and it was a disaster. so was the moist chicken. no matter how much i chopped it and how long i chewed....i just wasn't ready. then i had a brain storm...veggies and soy!! so i went to trader joe's and bought veggie burgers, soy cheese, soy-sage, humus, etc. it's pretty much moosh to start out with, so it is so easy to eat. i feel alot better now that i am getting more than 200 cals. a day. still waiting for that energy spurt though.

8-27-06:

i started some exercises today, not much just working with the body flex resistance bar, but it was something....i only did three reps of five of each exercise, and that was enough for now. i am still really sore on my left side where my incision is apparently never going to heal!! it's getting smaller, but it is still an open wound. the home nurse showed alan how to pac it yesterday, so he will be doing my wound care from now on. i told him that he would make a great nurse (lol). unfortunately he isn't much of a photographer. i have been trying to get him to take a new picture of me to post, but we can't seem to get it done. maybe tomorrow. i can't wait until wednesday when i go to the doctor and get my "official weight". i wore a paid of 16w pants today, with a zipper and a snap...no elastic, and regular misses size xl top. this is getting so exciting!!

8-31-06:

well, i don't have an abcess, thank god....just don't know what is wrong. dr. n. said that he could send me to a pain man. dr. and he would deaden the area, but i think that i am just going to suck it up. i need a break from doctors and hospitals. i have had 7 i.v.'s stuck in the past months, and tons of test. i just need a rest. so, i bring my films to the doc. tomorrow and see what he says.

9-2-06: well. i've decided to do nothing. the pain is tolerable and i am just tired of needles and doctors. so i go back and see dr. n. in a month to make sure everything is okay....and as of today, i have lost 21 pounds....whee for me!!!!!!!!!!

9-7-06: school started yesterday...and i was such a good girl. i parked far away and walked and took the stairs instead of the elevator. i didn't exactly bound up the stairs, but i didn't have to stop half way up and lean against the wall, panting like a dog either!! my incision is almost healed, thank god....i think it's because i am eating more protein, and a little more of everything else too. here is a typical day:

i went to the supermarket this morning and bought some shredded cheddar, blue cheese dressing, and a bag of radachio and baby spinach. think that i will try a little cup of salad for lunch today and see how that works.

9-12-06: boy does it feel good to be on my way. today in class dr. fassetta was taking about obesity, and for the first time in a lonnnnnnnnnnng time, i didn't feel as if she could have used me for a visual aid. i fit in the desk comfortably and i can take the stairs without feeling like i'm gonna die. this surgery is one of the best things that i have ever done for myself!!!

9-14-06: i had a whopeeeee day today!!!! for the first time in almost two years i went shopping at a real store....no mail order from roaman's, no lane bryant. i went to annie says and bought real people clothes. size sixteen jeans and x-lg tops. and the best thing is i felt completely comfortable in there. i felt like i belonged. like the elo song goes "hey you with the pretty face, welcome to the human race"!!!

9-17-06: just when i start to feel "normal" something comes and smacks me in the face to remind me that i had surgery. The other day at school i had a few baby carrots....so i decided to have some today too. i chewed really well, and only had about four. after i waited my thirty mins. and started sipping my crystal light it felt like it was getting stuck. i started noticing a pain in the middle of my back, but thought it was just because i had been sitting in one place studying for so long. well about three hours later, i made a 1.5 oz. cup of creamed spinach. i checked and the whole damned container only had 2 gms. of sugar. i took my time and had eaten about three bites when i had such a horrible pain in my back i had to stop. i knew i was going to be sick and up came the spinach. i still felt horrible, so i got the heating pad for my back....didn't help. i went into the bathroom and after some gagging threw up again....yep, up came the carrots. they had just been sitting in my pouch for about four hours :-(. i still don't understand how something can work one day and not the next. i guess that's part of the adventure. that was about six hours ago, and i still don't feel like eating anything, but i know i must soon. i have been eating alot less lately, and i know that is slowing down my weight loss. oh well, onward and downward....and i now fear the carrots!!

9-18-06:just an appology to the carrots....today i had one spoon of creamed spinach and within minutes, everything i ate for the day came right back up. i guess that just goes to show that you can never guess what willl make you sick!! but i'm down to 182....one more pound until 30 pounds gone....yea!!!!!!!!!!!......

9-24-06: I have several "wow moments" to report!!!

10-3-06: well, i am "unofficially" down to 177 pounds.....i still feel like i should be losing faster though :-(. i am going to have to go shopping again. i put all of my roman's, lane bryant, etc. womens side clothes in bags to give to the church. now the 16 jeans that i bought two weeks ago are getting too bigs, so i am gonna have to go and get 14's!!!! i ran into whitney today, she was in my classes last spring, and she didn't recognize me....until i spoke to her. i finally started getting some of the fabled energy that everyone talks about. every day just seems to be better than the last. i go see dr. n. on friday, then i will get my "official weight"....hope it's not more than i way on my scale at home....