someone please tell me where that surfer dude came from?????



 

I've been a large person my whole life.  I can remember horrible moments in my life of being teased and humiliated.  I think that once I went to college I tried to become the person I always knew I was.  I met my husband and started my career.  over the years my "shyness" and "low self esteem" have faded away.  HOWEVER, i find that I still have these issues, primarily due to my weight.  I feel that everything I am does not reflect in how I look.  I am a foster parent, successful in my career with 3 jobs, the vice presidnet of the junior league, and an agility trainer for my dog.  I enjoy being active and getting into learning new things and meeting new people.  Right now i am 275lbs.  I do so much and it is hard to believe I can do it all with so much weight.  I have a cholesterol number of over 500.  All of the heart conditions...including diabetes...runs in my family.  I am also diagnosed with PCOS, which also causes infertility.  Although my husband and I have not tried to have children, I have a gut feeling that I really will be infertile.   I want to be healthy and I want to be the best person I can be.  This is why I need to have this surgery. 

February 25th 

So i had lap surgery on the 15th.  After the surgery i felt wonderful.  That night at about 2am i started profusely throwing up every 10 minutes.  It went through all the way until the 17th.  On the 17th they took a CAT scan and noticed my intestine was hanging out of my abdominal wall.  I had to go back in for emergency surgery.  Turns out that my surgeon did the whole surgery.  His partner did the stitching.  WELL, he just happened to forget one of the inner stitches.  He apologized to my husband and told him that there was no evidence of the stitch ever being there.  There was no tear and there was not a stitch dangling around anywhere.  Since my doc was not on call that weekend and was on a trip in NYC, the other doc ended up opening one of the bigger holes to 6 inches and stapling it shut.  Also, i had to keep that stupid drain in for 4 days at home.  What a pain that was.  Also, it was hell when he pulled it out on thursday in his office.  

emotionally i was a mess after the puking and finding out the bad news and that i had to stay in the hospital for 5 days instead of 3.    i also now have a higher chance of haivng a hernia now that i technically had one.  i can't lift for 8 weeks instead of 4.  i'm a therapist with kids, so this really bothers me.  i'm doing okay now and lost 12 pounds so far.  not sure if i should count my surgery day as the 15th or the 17th.  but i wasn't able to sip drinks until the 18th....so i guess the 17th.  So i'm not 8 days postop.  12lbs in 8 days...not too shabby.  

HOWEVER, believe it or not....i'm really down and kind of depressed.  My doc allowed me to up my lexapro to 20mg....not sure if it's helping yet though.  i'm usually so active from like 7:30am to 7:30pm and never stop moving.  I think just the sitting around and walking around stores to get in my 30 minutes of walking is driving me nuts.  physically it's what i need, but emotionally i'm being a pain in the ass to everyone.  i'm starting to get a bit better, but i know i have at least one more week of this.  anyway, this is my story.

February 25th again! 

i'm not hungry and i barely eat anything.  i usually have about 4oz of milk for breakfast...just because it's time to eat  not because i'm hungry.  then for lunch i eat a piece of jello and maybe about 4oz of broth.  then for dinner i have broth and milk.  that's it.  i used to feel really shaky when i didn't eat and always want to grab a snack.  if it wasn't for having to feed jon, i would probably forget to eat.  also i sip on water all day.  yesterday, i tried crystal light and that worked out well.  also, yesterday we had to drive to oneonta to drop off my mom and meet my dad there.  we went into a diner.  boy was i  scared.  but i asked if they had a soup with broth and they had chicken orzzo.  i asked if they could strain it for me and to give me a cup of it.  it was soooooo wonderful and tasty, but i just ate about 8 sips of it and i was full.  however, since it was so much better than just eating stupid chicken broth from the can, i asked for some to go.  it was so much tastier.  i only have a week left on this clear liquid diet.  then i get to go to regular liquid...so i can eat sugar free yogurt, chocolate pudding, cream of wheat, creamier soups, etc.  i'm so excited about that.  but the weirdest part was that while i was eating my little sips of soup, eric ordered a huge chicken cordon bleu dinner and jon had chicken fingers and french fries with sodas.  it bothered me a little when eric went to the salad bar, but i just pictured myself eating all of that food and it didn't feel appetizing anymore.  i know it would make my new stomach all kinds of upset, so it made me feel better.  i was truly stuffed when we left so that also made me feel better.  it's amazing how much food i would have eaten if i went there without the surgery.  i would have eaten tons of stuff on the salad bar....few extra pieces of bread for no reason, and then finish my dinner with chocolate pudding as the dessert.  wow....no wonder i was gaining weight every year.  it's kind of crazy.  

August 24, 2007
Well, it's been 6 months and I'm down 82lbs!  It's truly amazing!  I just turned 28 on August 17th.  The weird part is that NOW i feel like i'm 21 again.  When I was 21 I felt like I was 40.  It's sad to know that all of those years i could have been so much happier with myself!  My life is going pretty great.  My husband finally got a teaching job last week!  He's been struggling with finding one for so long!  I'm so proud of him!  Last night I listened to him tell his aunt how proud he was of me and that I'm so much more motivated and happy that I used to be!  He loves the new me!  Although he told me how beautiful i was before....I feel like he says it more often and definately "flirts" with me a lot more!  Our relationship has never been better!  I also think that he likes that now I can socialize with his friends.  i was always so self-conscious to hang out with all of his guy friends!  Now I'm usually the only girl that plays poker with them on poker night and i've even won a couple of times!  The only thing he complains about now is that I dont stop MOVING!  

Now this is true...I feel like I have so much energy that I am always doing something.  I have 3 jobs and am the president of the Junior League.  I always can find smoething to do, which can be very tiring!  When I do get a moment...like today...i have to catch up on paperwork or phone calls.  I just want to be able to feel like i dont have to do anything so i can go to the gym or something.  

I just looked on the February 2007 board today and noticed that everyone seems to be losing more weight than me.  I can't complain, but it does kidn of make me feel bad.  It makes me really want to go to the gym and work my butt off.  However, today i'm puppysitting my parents dog and i have a sinus infection and have TONS OF end of the month paperwork to do.  UGH!  Can I ever be truly happy?  JEESH!  

The cool part is shopping for clothes now.  I'm now a large in shirts.  Even the 14/16s at lane bryant are too big for me now.  I'm totally confused in pants though.  Every store is different.  I swear that 2 weeks ago i was just an 18.  I recently got back from manhattan and went to oldnavy while i was there.  I fit into a pair of size 14 jeans!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  I was shocked.  I didn't like the look of them though so i didn't get them.  even the petites were too long in that store.  I wasn't even a size 14 in college!   I think I was a 16 my senior year in highschool even!   it's all just too weird!  

The perception part is kind of weird too.  When I look down I still see a HUGE person.  When i look at myself in pictures I double take myself because I'm shocked it's me.  Maybe this is because it all happened so fast...that my brain hasn't quite caught up to my weight loss yet?  Who knows.  I still feel fat in the mirror, but then check the sizes and I get all weirded out!  :>)  I'ts very interesting!  Anyway...enough babbling...just wanted to write down my newest feelings!