Kelly B.

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I am over it.  I was going to delete my blog but I thought I probably need to have it on record.  Today's a new day and I am going to make the most of it. 

Mini-meltdown today and the hubby is recommending that a take a time out from work to write.  I went through my closet this morning and it really put me in a funk.  I think I am scared and I know I am confused.  I really hate my body and how it looks even with the weight loss.  I tried on all my clothes to get rid of the sizes that I don't need anymore.  It was depressing.  I didn't realize how many really ugly clothes I had.  I also tried on those dear clothes that we all save for when we lose weight.  They fit now.  Some of them I have come to realize are just plain ugly too.  I HATE being in between something --- I HATE being in limbo.  It's almost like I cannot function.  I think since I am so close to my next goal -- which is 209 --- the weight of where I was the lowest within the last 15 years --- that my inner sabotage person is finally kicking in.  But now I can't have that piece of cake or big bowl of mac n cheese.  So I am frozen.  And here's the thing, I can't stand eating right now.  Everything makes me gag -- nothing tastes good --- nothing sounds good.  I literally have to force myself to eat.  I am good on the vitamins, water, and walking.  I even added two more huge hills to my walk today and then did stomach crunches afterwords.  I know in my head that this whole process doesn't happen overnight.  The thing is, I was a good fat person.  I did dress well for being fat (or so I thought) and I was always told I was "pretty for a fat girl" -- so, I excelled at being a good fat person.  I don't know how to excel at being a good "thin" person or even average weight person. 

Growing up I was the youngest of three.  My brother and sister were perfect.  They were the cheerleader/baseball types, went to college and joined the right sorority/frat house, fell in love, got married and had kids.  Me?  Not so much.  I was the rebel.  My dad always told me to lose "5 more pounds" or if I just would exercise, I would look better.  It has been that way my whole life.  I remember working out with the football players in college and getting really skinny and having to pin my clothes and my dad still thought I needed to do more.  I wasn't the only one.  My sister was anorexic and she still battles those tendencies today.  I think it was at that point that I decided I would use my eating to thumb my nose up at my dad and life in general.  It also wasn't too long after that that I left school and ended up pregnant and married to the wrong guy.  So here I was, the college dropout, the only divorced person in the family, the real failure in life.  The rebel.

Eventually, I worked through a lot of issues over the years about my guilt for not being the perfect daughter and I did work very hard to achieve the success in business that I have and to be a good person -- a good mom -- a good wife to the 2nd hubby.  I know that my family is proud of all that i have accomplished -- because to my family it's what it looks like on the outside to everyone else.  The only thing I never would do for them was to lose weight because that was mine.  Isn't that stupid?  Yes, they love all the good outside stuff, but I know they love me too on the inside.  Why have I held on to that?  Why am I scared of losing my shield of fat?  What am I so damn afraid of?  I look at myself and why can't I be happy with who I am or who I am becoming?  How do I do that?  I don't know..... I guess that's why I need a shrink.  I need....oh Hell, I don't know what I need.  I guess I just need to get off my pity pot and get over it.  Well, I am sick of thinking about all this crap.  I am going to get back to work.

Well I have lost 4 lbs this week!  Thank goodness!  I have to say it is really nice to be so healthy.  The family this week all had the stomach flu -- it hit our house with a vengeance.  Jason and both of the older kids woke up the same morning and all of them were getting sick.  None of them ate the same thing within 24 hours of each other so it wasn't food poisoning.  Noah and I ran to the store to get Sprite, Gatorade, crackers, and chicken noodle soup.  I was so glad to have leftover anti nauseous medicine from my surgery.  That seemed to help all of them.  This is the second sickness to hit the house that I have not had.  Just a few months ago I was catching every sickness out there.  Thank you Lord!  I do have to say that I stayed on liquids all day just in case.  There is nothing worse for me than vomiting.  I hate that with a passion.  So now everyone is better if not a few pounds lighter.  As we say in the South, bless their hearts!

Yesterday I was pretty lazy.  I really didn't do much and I am at a loss.  I almost always have projects going on now that the weather is getting better-- usually it involves decorating or figuring out my spring wardrobe or planning the landscaping in the yard.  I am not decorating this year because I have to say, my house is where it needs to be -- It looks good and we don't want to buy anything new since we're getting rid of a lot before we move in two years.  This is a leased house so I am only going to do minimal landscaping and I already have what I want planned out.  And, I can't really buy any new clothes at this point since I really don't know what to expect with the weight loss.  So, I decided this morning that I am going to invest some time and money in some spa treatments!  I really need to some "ladyscaping" -- Next weekend I am going to get waxed and a facial along with a good manicure and pedicure.  Then the following weekend I am going to get my hair done. 
I also have been looking into the body wraps.  I have heard that it's really good for your skin to have the body wraps while you are losing weight.  Now, it's pretty expensive but I found a coupon for three visits at 20% off.  I think I am going to go for it.  That is why I have made the appointment for the facial to see if I like this place or not.  I really would hate to invest that kind of money in a place that I don't like. 

I have looked at a lot of pics of people who have had this surgery and I have noticed that if you don't take care of your skin, then you could end up looking a lot older.  I have been never been a big skincare kinda girl but those pics have me into a pretty good regiment.  I wash my face and neck with Cetifil twice a day.  I then take pure Vitamin E oil and put it on a cotton ball and apply that around my eyes and then the rest of my face and neck.  At night I am adding a good anti wrinkle cream and eye cream.  As for the body, when I get out of the shower while I am still wet, I add baby oil all over and then dry off with a towel -- then I add more cream to my arms and legs.  Gotta moisturize!

So I think this is going to be my new Spring project.....taking care of my skin, body, and emotional state of being.  What a novel concept!  I may even extend this out to the rest of the year.  I will let you all know about the body wrap thing.  I think it's important to share whatever works in this process.  God bless you!  Have a wonderful week.

Ahhhh....two months down and it's so much better already.  I have absolutely no regrets in having this surgery.  I am down to 217 lbs.  today.  I can walk up and down hills for 45 mins without wanting to die, I can fit into pants that I have not worn in 8 years, I weigh less than the hubby, and I have so much energy.  Every week brings something new and the head hunger is not happening so much.  I do not test my pouch.  I keep to eating my protein, drinking my water, and taking my vitamins.  I have taken a couple of bites of a piece of pizza but that is the extent of my trying new things.  I can have "bad" food in the house and I am not tempted at all in partaking.  I know the consequences and really don't want to deal with it.  My attitude and outlook in life and work is a lot better.  My stress levels are down.  

I am going to start the shrink in a couple of weeks.  Wow is that hard finding a shrink that you think you will like and will accept the FSA debit card.  We'll see how this appointment goes.  It's not until March 4th --   I still know that I have "issues" -- don't we all?  I need help finding my coping mechanisms.  I mean, what happens when all this newness wears off and i am in maintenance mode?  Probably the same thing that always happens, I take over using the only things I know how to use --- food.

I do have a couple of things to look forward to -- #1  I am going on a girls trip to FL!  -- I have not been on a girls trip in YEARS!!  Cathy, my friend, had surgery (VSG) two days before me.  We work at the same company but have never met in person.  We actually met on this site!  Isn't that crazy?  Her mom has a house in Key West, FL -- so she invited me and four other ladies to spend a week down there.  I cannot wait!  And, it is a week before my 40th birthday.  I cannot believe I will be 40 but that's another story.

#2 -- The hubby and I have decided we are moving to the West coast when our big kids graduate in two years.  To seal that deal we have started paying off all of our debts.  We paid off 10k this week and later this spring we'll be down to only two debts which will be paid pretty quick now that we're serious about it.  We haven't been debt free in 6 years and I miss having that freedom.  We rode that building craze from 2000 to 2007 but like a lot of others we overextended ourselves and got caught holding the bag.  I do have to say that God has always provided for us.  When Jason lost his job, I was given a new job with better pay.  It all happens in His time.....

So, I am excited about what is coming up for me and my family.  Speaking of family, my daughter has walked in and is staring at me......I better go!  God bless!

Well I know it's only two pounds but I have not been that great this week.  I did walk when I could which was twice in the last five days.  But I have not been eating.  I just couldn't stand the thought of having eggs, fish, or chicken again and again and again.  I did skip a few meals and I forgot my vitamins a couple of times.  I know that is not good.  I did have a very busy week at work which did not help. 

So I went to the store last night and looked around for something that would be good for me.  I came away with a couple of the prepared meats.  I have a chicken with some Asian sauce, meat balls, and turkey and gravy.  Good protein but a different "taste".  My doc doesn't want us to eat red meat but I have to have a chili or meat ball in between.  I seriously am getting so bored with food that I am going without and that is not healthy.  I think I got in 300 calories a day for three days this week. Good news:   I am very excited that the weather is actually going to be nice for the next week!  That means that I can walk everyday and be outside!! 

Ok, a couple of other things -- the hubby got his blood work from his physical this week.  He has always said that even though he eats, he's still healthy.  Right?  Well not so much.  His sugar is high, cholesterol is high, and his blood pressure is high.  We compared labs from when I was a month out of surgery and I am much healthier than him!  I really hope this puts a bug up his ass to do something.  I see the circles under his eyes and how pastey his skins gets -- if he doesn't do something, it's not going to be pretty. 

Other thing, I went to the endocrinologist this week about my thyroid.  It seems that I have a very enlarged thyroid.  The thyroid is functioning fine it's just big.  The doc said that when I lose all my weight, I may want to have it removed.  Looks like another surgery on the horizon.  We're going to get together again in November to see what it's doing and how it looks.

I am happy that my weight is 218 lbs -- only 10 more to go for my next goal.  Hopefully this week and the following week will be the ticket with better eating and plenty of exercise. 

Gotta go!  God Bless you!

It's official:  I weigh less than my husband

New weight today:  220 lbs!

That's 40 lbs gone!! 

Ready for the Superbowl now.....

I am very excited.  The exercise and Benefiber are paying off.  I am down to 224 lbs this morning.  I wish I could go walking but we're at 22 degrees today and it's going to be at freezing or below for the next week.  I am so ready for spring.  I cannot stand this cold anymore.  At least we don't have snow.....until tomorrow night. 

I have goals that I wanted to put down before I lost site of them:

1)  Weigh less than my hubby -- almost there, give me another week!
2)  Get down to 209 -- back when I met my hubby I weighed around 225 lbs and I was walking 3 miles a day and eating off of a salad plate for a year.  I never could get below 209 lbs.  Now I am excited that this will happen.  For the last 10 years no one had seen me smaller than that.
3)  The big Onederland!  199 lbs.
4)  175 lbs -- this is what I weighed when I got pregnant with my daughter 16 years ago.
5)  150 lbs -- cause I haven't see that number since college!
6)  135 - 140 lbs -- GOAL!

The other thing that I think about is what will be my style when I lose all this weight?  I don't want to be frumpy and I don't want to dress like an 18 year old.  I want to shop at Urban Outfitters, Anthropology, Ann Taylor the Loft, and all those yummy stores with beautiful clothes, shoes, and jewelry. 

Good things that are happening right now:  I can tuck my legs under me when sitting in a chair, I can start to see some definition to my body -- like where there is a waist, the difference between my neck, shoulders, and chest, I can fit in my old silky PJ's that I have been saving, and I can bend down without feeling like there is a basketball between my stomach.  I stopped biting and picking at my nails and now I have beautiful nails that are stronger than they have ever been.  I even did my own french manicure and they look lovely. 

Family goals -- I want to take my kiddo's to the pool and spend the day there with them.  I want to go hiking with my hubby and not huff and puff up the hills.  I want my daughter and I to go shopping in the same stores and she has some beautiful clothes that I would love to share!  Some much more that I want to do.....

So, there's my list.  I have finally put it down.  Gotta go and get to work.  God bless you!  Hope you have a good week.  k