I look back at my blog from last January and I was 100 lbs heavier last year than I am now. It's been a good year with a lot of growth emotionally while losing my weight. I am now 131 lbs and have lost half of my body weight. I met my goal in November and have lost 9 lbs since then. I am starting to get the "comments" now of looking gaunt or too skinny. It's hard for me to move from being so focused on losing weight to maintenance eating. I do eat three meals a day. Yesterday I had toast for breakfast, chicken nuggets for lunch, and shrimp/chicken for dinner. I even allowed myself to have some dark chocolate which was yummy! I do need more protein first -- I have noticed that I am leaning towards carbs first. I think it's a head game at times. In the past when I have lost weight, I realize now that I would start to eat whatever and for awhile wouldn't gain weight and then almost overnight I would have packed it on. I am trying to stay self aware.....
My shrinkage and I met this week for the first time in 6 weeks. His first comments were about how skinny I looked. We talked about the holidays -- during which I really didn't have a hard time with all the food. The only thing I indulged in were some bites of my mom's homemade Cinnamon rolls but otherwise I was good. I did have some experiences over the last few weeks that did throw me emotionally back to who I was a year ago before I started the therapy. If you have read my blog, I have struggled with low self esteem when it comes to "who" I am. I was not the conventional person in my family -- always the "black sheep" although my shrinkage argues this point with me. I have felt guilt for years over choices I made in my early 20's and I "deserved" whatever comments my family would make about me. I accepted those comments to make up for being so "bad". I carried that with me professionally at times too. Taking the blame or accepting certain behavior from people because I deserved it. After a year of therapy, I see a lot of progress but I also see a lot more work in this area.
I had two situations that made all of this come back and I was seriously depressed for the last few weeks. My self worth and confidence took a huge dive. The first situation was personal and between my sister and me. My sister is the "perfect" one -- did everything "right" in life. I know that is not actually the case but it is how it is perceived in my family. In my mind I have spent the last 15 years overcoming what my family thought of me. I have worked hard to raise my kids, provide a good home, be successful, and generally be a good person. I really thought she saw that and recognized all the growth and improvement I had made. We had an argument and she sent me an email afterward -- the email made me realize that she has never changed her perception of me. No matter what I have done, I am still the same person to her and that person isn't good enough. It made me very sad. It also made me realize that I cannot allow someone to affect my own perception of me and I have a lot of work ahead of me to "fix" that.
The other situation was with work. I worked on something two years ago that benefited my company and recently it was brought up due to some invoicing issues. My colleagues whom I was working with at that time told my boss that I did not make them aware of the situation or communicated with them. I knew that I had but I couldn't find where I documented it. I felt horrible and started questioning myself on what I had done. My new boss has been very supportive but he was being told that I had done something without knowledge and out of scope. I took that to heart and have felt like a failure --- I couldn't even get out of my bathrobe for the first three days of this week, I was so depressed. My boss brought it up on a call with me that someone else had mentioned this situation and I felt bad that he was having to defend me. Finally the other night I went through all my old emails that I archived and I found the mother-load -- I was able to piece together 30 emails to all the appropriate colleagues on the whole process, analysis, and decisions for this situation. I did do the right thing. I did communicate thoroughly to my team. I did do the right thing for my company and our clients. I felt so vindicated and relieved yet I wonder at my first response of taking the blame or allowing the situation to affect me so much.
The point I am trying to make and to reconcile in my head is that just because I have lost this weight and look like a totally different person, just because people respond to me now as a totally different person, I am still the same person on the inside with the same insecurities, the same "issues" --- I am
learning to see them differently, to work through the issues, but my natural initial response is the same. I believe this goes hand in hand with my eating and my weight. This is where the emotional eating comes into play. I feel the pull towards food -- I thank God that I can't eat a whole plate of mac n cheese b/c of my pouch but the pull, the desire to stuff my face with something "bad" for me is in my head. So, maintenance isn't about being "done" for me. Obviously I now need to work on my inside reactions, evaluate my responses to situations where in the past I may have accepted something as "mine" or my "fault" when I shouldn't have and stop doing that in future. My maintenance is actually gaining real self confidence that has nothing to do with what I look like on the outside. Ahhhh....so introspective today....See, it's not all about the new clothes and new body
Well, I better go.....enough deep thoughts for me. God Bless You! Keep losing out there and have a great weekend. k