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Aug. 8th 2005
Funny it does not seem that I am a newbie I have searched for what seems forever a place to find people that understand who I am why I am ... we have gone through the process only to be turned out to the street.... Insurance providers SUCK ... I have finally decided that I will get the help I need even if it means leaving the U.S.A. to do it .....
My family thinks I have lost my mind wanting to travel to Mexico to get help .... I think after reading that so many people here have been and are feeling better and on the losing side of life .... well I want to join the losers....
I live just outside New Orleans and would love to join in the chatter from time to time ... As I save for my self pay .....
Dec 16th 2005
I know it has been awhile since posting to my page. I have found myself in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina devastated.... feeling very depressed ....now I am back to square one. So what does one do when depressed and down we find our friend and constant companion food... I am pretty upset about everything and feel like we will never get back to normal. ... My youngest daughter has come through this stress like "Rocky" punching her way back to the top of her class straight A's on her 1st report card... WOW I wonder where she gets her strength from ...
The craft show that I was so excited about was washed away in the storm....
I said to myself this morning SELF.... it is time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and just start over so I deposited some dollars into my WL fund account, and I am posting online again..... I will find strength from your posts and start my journey again........
Dec 18th 2005
Saturday I saw my Uncle and his wife that I have not seen in 15 years... He is my mother's brother well to make a long story short they are about 9 years differant in age and oh yeah they hate each other. My Aunt has gotten closer to her brother in the last few years but my mother noooooo way. Ces called me and invited me over... I really did not want to go because of the way I look (I know that is kinda nuts) but it is the way I see me. I am really angry that I cant just do this without help ... I have been dieting since I was 14 years old now dont get me wrong I have lost weight and looked normal 3 times in my life. after my first diet center experience I lost down to a size 12 from a 20. I met my hubby and well we married and baby makes 3. I think my weight on delivery day was 200. I gained so much weight. I think Afshaun was 3 and I went from a 22 to a size 14. and guess what yep baby makes 4 well let me tell you after Homeyra it was a steady climb until I said thats enough at 265 I thought I will do it I will lose this weight I walked and rode my bike and ate salad and starved myself thin and sick. I think that time I got down to 120 and then my grandmother got sick and from that point to now in between taking the pills and shakes but I have not been able to lose anything.
I went to see my Uncle and Aunt, As I hugged them hello he says wait let me put my glasses in the back (he had them on a string on his neck) as he said "I've had hugs from big breasted women and broke my glasses" But it was the only coment about my weight ....other than that I really had a nice time we talked and had dinner (me taking the salad plate and eating from it as not to get to much) Today I have been working in the house and getting ready for the week.
Dec 19th 2005
I had a heart to heart with my boss today about work and did he think we could survive in the aftermath of Katrina. He eased my mind by saying that even though it was slow we would make it it would be slow for awhile but it will all come back. Then he looked at me and said Kim why are you so worried. I said I just have to make sure that I provide for the family... he said your husband has been providing for you and your daughter and he knew how much it meant for him to be the main bread winner. I looked at him and the tears welled up in my eyes... I said I am saving up for something that matters to me he just looked at me and the next thing I knew I was spilling my guts. Telling him that my plan was to have WLS and I needed to know that I could save up for myself the money needed to make a differance in my life. He said I am glad that you are at least thinking about getting help and then the words we all hate to hear came flying out of his mouth "you have such a pretty face" iffin I had a dollar for everytime someone said that I would be able to pay for plastics too ..... He means well I know he worries about my weight. well maybe not my weight but my health.... I have had tons of trouble this past year .... and he will have no problems with the time I need off ...sooooooooooooo look out I think Sept 2006 will be the time at least it is my first goal to have a date for surgery Sept 2006. I will get this done if it kills me..... The best part was I said to him I am planning on going to Mexico to have the surgery. HE IS THE FIRST PERSON NOT TO SAY WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY ... He just listened and said as long as you make sure of the doctor ....I could not believe it.... I am glad that I let him know now I can just be me since I am at work 50 + hours a week .....
Dec 22nd 2005
I am feeling pretty down today I know this is a busy time of year for everyone. I just don't feel Christmas eeeeeee. I guess the whole problem is I had a arguement with my dh this morning Have you ever just felt like the list is 20 times longer for you than your partner lets see my list cook, clean, wash, work, make groceries, pick up kids, ok (play mom's taxi).... his list take out trash and go to work. Doesn't seem fair its really not fair.... but I love him to bits and he is really a great hubby and dad... I just get in these moods and wham it hits me all at once you know now that I am typing this I am thinking ....laffs to self I really dont want him to do anything so I suppose it is just me being stupid ..... sooooooo you ask why am I complaining throws hands up in the air I dont know .. just in one of those moods..... how does he put up with me ???? I feel so much better now that I thought that through ... I must be nuts......
Dec 28th 2005
I was just here reading profiles and thinking everyone has been through so much and come so far I WANT TO BE A LOSER!!!!!
I want to know why insurance companies can write exclutions I pay my policy and they would rather pay the thousands of dollars to replace my knees ... and all the meds I have to buy a month ... the cpap machine..... I don't think it is fair. I am so angry I am thinking to myself to just cancel the policy and take that money and put it to surgery. My hubby wont allow me to with my blood pressure he is scared that I am going to blow up right before his eyes. They have us between a rock and a hard place...
What I need is a miracle! Okay now that I have vented today. I find everyone's stories so amazing and reading I find that most of you had the same dismay before surgery then somehow through the shedding of pounds you blossom into new but old ... that sounds funny ... what I mean is you gain your self esteem back and then you soar like a baby bird taking its first flight growing getting stronger and then soaring like an eagle strong and proud ... I am so glad that I found this site and am becoming apart of it.
I do want to wish you all a Happy and Prosperous New Year! Keep up the outsanding work to the new you ... know that we are all here to support one another ....
Jan 4th 2006
I am sitting here reading through the profiles and I had this light bulb go off in my head. everyone starts out typing away their feelings and then the magic happens of surgery and then the weight starts coming off and everyone then is up and moving around.... going out.... living ...... I am ready to start living......
I am thinking about what happened today and I wanted to vent about it cause it seems my hubby just doesnt get it. My boss wanted me to go and do marketing for him now after I kinda explained how I felt to him he says to me I comand you to lose weight and hands me a digital scale we had a couple of them at work to weigh mail... anyways my feelings were very hurt I told my hubby and he says maybe thats what I need to get motivated.....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am now hurt double fold. I sit here with the tears flowing.
I am thinking I wish it was that easy.. My husband loses weight like drinking a glass of water. It is impossible for me to take it off no matter how hard I try... DAMN one minute hes with me going to do it together the next its like who is he. He is always saying to me you never ask for anything what do you need ... One time I said help me get weight loss surgery please ........ maybe I should just comand my mouth shut !!!!! not a good day for me ......
Jan 10th 2006
I have not posted to my journal for a week.... I am trying to get myself used to writting down my thoughts and feelings at least once a week or daily depending on what is going on in my life. I come to the boards and read everyday. Watching the rebirth of so many is wonderful. I then hear my darling hubby say "in my head please don't read that stuff so much it will just make you sad".. Funny it does not make me sad it makes me know that the wait is worth it and my day will come. I read some wonderful journals on here with great stories of pain and loss.... to gain a whole new life and to LIVE.... my goodness to live that is what I want more than anything give me
I suppose the greatest thing is my hubby loves me as I am getting him to understand that I don't love me and the depression that keeps me sad most of the time is because of how I look.... He doesnt see it .... how the hell could he miss it???? I have absolutely no sex drive at all nadda bit ... scarey he wants to know why ummmmmmmm look at me plus the fact that I had a Hysterectomy Jan 05... did not help. how many others just don't want to? I don't really see much of that posted. I want to be NORMAL.... well as normal as I could be ....lol
OMG Friday the 13th .... I wonder what magic happens today....lol
can you believe it another day of feeling sorry for myself ... I wonder if I will ever be able to just stop doing this to myself. I spend and hour or so talking to my hubby about surgery again last night... I think he is tired of hearing it... He asked me well since you know what the meals are supposed to be and that you need to excerise and you know you have to give up diet coke just do it now !!!!! what part of hungry .. can eat the entire contents of the fridge does he not understand.... you know I have told this story to him and he seems to forget but I am an emotional eater and let me tell you when I am upset I have NO BOTTOM.
My Grandpop died when I was 14 this man was my rock ......I lived with him and my Grandmother when my parents divorced I was 6-7 anyway when he passed.... He was a big part of the lil town "Kosciusko, Ms" so everyone and their brother brought over food and the dining room table (that was only used for Thanksgiving and Christmas) had both leaves in it and sat 10 comfortably was covered I mean covered not a spot. well I was dropped off at home and this food was there so I sat at one end of the table and I ate my way to the other end. Now when My mother came in she asked me what I was doing and I looked at the table pies were gone cakes were gone donuts were half eaten hams and casseroles were eaten... you can not even imagine what I ate ... I cant believe what I did..... now when I say I have no bottom I really mean my stomach can stretch like the grand canon to hold food when I am upset or need a calming ... Soooooooo back to my sweet dear hubby who loves me so .... he doesnt get it yet he thinks I can just diet and exercise and lose weight well if that worked wouldn't I be a healthy weight now... I mean really how many diets do you have to go on before you can make them really understand .... do you just have to be fat to understand .... why cant he understand ???? now he says that he is going to help me get this surgery but he does not understand why I want some one to cut me open to lose weight. He has seen people that have lost the weight with this surgery and people that have only lost 30 pounds...... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jan 17th 2006
Here I sit at home to sick to go into work... I really don't know what is wrong I feel so bad throat hurts... dizzy... and oh my the stops to the bathroom... Now that I have missed 2 days from work if I ain't any better in the morning I suppose I will have to break down and head into the doctor...ughhhhhhhhhhhh you know what I mean I hate going to the doctor... its always something and another handful of pills to take.....
I am sure that the digital camera I won on ebay is at work I really can't wait to get it home and take pics of the bracelets and earrings I have been making I will have them listed on Ebay soon thanks to Kathy Sitters advice... I really need to do whatever I can to get my money together for this surgery. I am saving but it is no where close to what I thought I could do....
I will get it together... I keep praying to stay on track ... read and learn and all will fall into place.... my head is swiming so I am back to lay down.....
Jan 19th 2006
I finally got my ebay stuff up last night... I would love for Y'all to take a look and let me know what you think..... I plan to get more earrings up soon I am in hopes that this lil side stuff will help me save up for this surgery that I so desperatly need .....
February 14th 2006
I know I know it has been forever since my last update... still same old news not enough money for the bypass and I am not that much closer. It is Valentine's Day and hubby has gotten us a new bedroom set it is beautiful... I do love this man to death ...
I did want to fill y'all in on what has been going on in my life... I have ( drum roll pleaseeeeeeeee) weaned myself of diet coke wow talk a big step it has been 2 weeks... thanks to the PROPEL water I made it through... I have started buying it in case form from Sam's Club 11 bucks ... I sip it all day long... I am really proud of myself as I was drinking 8 to 10 cans of diet coke a day ... I have replaced that with water ...woooooooo hooooooooo
I also started selling my earrings on EBAY and I am doing really good all the money I make on Ebay is deposited weekly into the WLS account. So if you are reading this and want to take a look see look up (smplysittin).... I am adding new items each week and beading each night keeping my fingers busy with beads instead of food .....
I must get back to the real job that pays the bills so have a happy and loving Valentine day smooch the the person in your life that makes you glad your here ....
Here it is March 16th I am so depressed seems every step forward I take I take 4 backward. So much has happened my husband left for the Middle East as his sister passed away from cancer. I understand that he needed to go and I support his going to be with his family in this time of need. But on the other hand all I have asked for is help for this surgery ... I know that my day will come but it just seems as though I cant get it together everything saved winds up going to something but surgery fund. and the really bad thing was I did not know how close he was to having the money for my surgery until he was leaving ... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhssssssssss but that has now gone back home to help his family .... I keep on beading and I have been selling a few items on ebay ...laffs at self but then being on ebay .... you know you see this and that to buy ....lol catch 22... I just wanted to post as I have not been keeping up with my journal, I just dont want everything to be so negative ... I have not been very positive of late .... depressed and lonely .... Hubby wont be back for 27 more days ...sighs louder I miss him so bad ...
June 27th 2006
It has been forever since I updated ... It is really hard for me to come here to the OH site everyone is beginning their new lives and I cant seem to get it together. I pray to find the way to start ...my DH says he loves me just as I am not to worry ... I try to make him understand the only reason I want or need this is for LIFE... to live we are still a year later struggling after Katrina like many others in the gulf region ... I look around to see we have begun to rebuild our lives and now we are back in hurricane season it is very scary listening to the news and hearing that the levees are so dry and cracked from lack of rain ... yesterday was my birthday and everyone forgot soooooo I am older and more depressed than ever ... I am happy for all that have started there journeys... I am reading in lurking mode ....
June 29th 2006
I just wanted to post today and get back in the swing of things... I went yesterday and got my hair colored and cut so I am now ready for my trip on the 7th of July my oldest daughter is getting married on the 8th seems strange to think just yesterday she was a baby and now off to be married. She called to TELL me she was getting married in Vegas on this day and she wanted me to be there. I told her I did not see how I could so let me tell you we are going to surpise her ... with my luck I will run into her in the hotel lobby ...lol..... My hair turned out really good and today My face seemed alittle smaller I have been drinking the rightsize smoothies for about a month now they do not have much protien in them so they would not be good for after weightloss surgery .... but it is a promise to my husband that while we save up for the surgery I will try to do it on my own yet again ....sigh ... I am still only drinking water .. I have tried the water sensations but I am not real crazy about them they seem bitter to me so if anyone has an idea what I could be doing wrong would you let me know ... I heard so many good things about them ... I still plan to go to Dr. Joya for the surgery and what I think I am going to do is get a part time job and all money made save .. there is more than one way to skin a cat ... Y'all have a great day
Aug 23 2006
Here I sit at work depressed and trying hard not to show it... I want this tool so bad and it seems as though I have too many battles to fight in order to get it ... My husband doesn't want to hear about it anymore ... I know he is scared for me but can't he see that he is watching me die.... I still am drinking my water everyday all day ... I have had a couple of diet cokes but only a couple in months ... I have talked to my boss about insurance coverage that covers WLS and he did talk to united about a plan that covers it but heres the catch still no info back and if we do get that coverage I will have to wait a year ... I just wish I could be on my way to a healthier life now ... I wish there was a way that I could explain how bad I feel ... but I suppose you all have felt this way at one point or another... til the next update ... heres to your dreams coming true ........