ObesityHelp

My one year surgiversary was July 16th but I didn't see Dr. Pomp until today so wanted to wait on my one year update. 

The Good:

My labs are incredible.  Seriously.  I feel like such a rockstar about this I can't even tell you.  My iron and D are better than pre-op.  My calcium is great.  My zinc, Vit. A, Albumin, Ferritin, b12, Cholesterol, glucose, magnesium are all stable or heading exactly the direction you want them to.  My three month labs had a few issues.  My sixth month labs had a few issues....my one year is picture perfect.

I'm so happy I could spit.  I feel like all the research and all the hard work and all the asking about K1 and K2 and every other little thing in the world has paid off.  Thanks Michelle and all for the incredible information. 

My visit with Dr. Pomp was amazing.  He brought in another doctor learning about lap surgery and explained my 'story' to him:  my starting BMI, why he gave me a little longer common channel (125cm) for my BMI, why that has worked so well for me.....and then he explained to the doctor that when he walks in the room of a bariatric patient he looks first at the eyes, then the hair and then the skin.  He said these are the indications to him of good health.  He said I passed with flying colors and my labs just reiterated that. 

I initially really worried over the 125CC and in the end decided to trust his judgment and he was right.  I feel like he and I together talked through so much and really came to the right choices for me.  I think that's great for any surgeon to realize the subtleties of tailoring this surgery to a particular person's needs.   

The not as great as good but not horrible:

My thyroid has been bordering on needing treatment for a while now but I was not having any symptoms so my PCP and I decided not to treat it.  In the past two months I've been more tired than usual.  I thought maybe my protein would show up low or my iron or my D but nope.....my thyroid is now showing that my pituitary is working overtime to make up for my slow thyroid.  So, it's time to medicate. 

That's fine, I'm glad we're catching it early-ish.

Dr. Pomp said that once I treat the thyroid I'll probably take off more weight.  I said 'oh, 20lbs and I'll be perfect'.  His reply (and one more reason why I love that man)?  "You're perfect now.  20 more pounds and you'll be twenty pounds lighter".

I still struggle to get in enough water on some days (just can't seem to make it a habit) and I would like to be exercising more.  Meaning, I need to get off my ass and make that happen.  I'm doing Wii Fit but it's not enough for me and my ultimate goals.

In general I am very happy and content.  I eat normally: protein, fat, complex carbs mostly with occasional simple carbs.  I am close to goal.  About 17lbs to normal BMI - 2lbs to my original goal of 100lbs lost.  And even the desire to lose 17lbs feels like such a normal person goal that even the desire feels like a gift.  I am very happy with my weight where I am even though I am not 'skinny' and am still an 'overweight' BMI. 

I'm doing two shows at a festival in August, I just did my first audiobook, I'm working on some other potentially exciting business opportunities and I'm living my life. 

Yesterday, I wore a dress that made me feel sexy.  I strutted.

I also was hugged by an old friend that I always thought of as tall and lanky and 'smaller' than me.  He enveloped me and I felt small.  It was such a great feeling.  He's a friend I adore and the love and vulnerability of that moment was really fantastic.  He just kept saying "I feel like I'm being introduced to a new you".

Life....in all it's ups and downs and love and anger and intense therapy sessions and uncovering layers of who I am as I uncover layers of what I look like....is fantastic at one year post-op.

So - a bit of an angry phase, which, if you knew me would make you laugh.  I've never been an angry person.  I'm a 'hurt' person.  I'm a 'see your side and feel your pain' person.  I'm a 'let's find a way to talk this out' person. So, while I've been angry, of course, an unwillingness to put up with even little shit is new for me. 

That said, I'm not walking around raging at people.  I've gained just enough wisdom since surgery to know it's better, often, to just bite my tongue and never deal with a person again than to let loose a tirade.  Tirades used to be my way - emotional tirades, specifically - crying and hurt feelings.  So this much less dramatic stillness is new for me too.  I figure if someone crosses me and it makes me angry enough to do something then rather than rage against them there is no reason they should have the benefit of my business, friendship, what have you.  I'm very comfortable these days just walking away.

At the same time, I feel no need to convince most people that I'm right any more.  Who cares?  This is also new since surgery.

However, something that gets under my skin a bit is when people say 'Ah man - you get to eat bacon?  Cheeseburgers?  Extra meat?  Can I have this surgery?'.  This is coming from people who aren't obese and are maybe, barely overweight if at all. 

So, I haven't said anything.  I would just get a little irked and let it go.  But today I found my answer:

"If you want to spend 33 years obese and try every diet, pill, exercise, voodoo, magic, self-blame,  prayer, crying, screaming and therapy to try to rid yourself of the weight, then yes, you too can have this surgery and eat bacon and it be good for you.  I consider this my long-coming reward for the difficult years of feeling inadequate for something over which I had no control."

Amen.

I wondered before surgery and see pre-ops looking into the DS ask a lot, "i love sweets, how will I not binge myself into a mind-numbing quivering mass of frosting and cake post-op?"

Well - I can only speak for me and we're all different but here is my experience:

white flour and sugar together with any kind of fat is the devil.  The DEVIL I say!

So - here's how I eat normally:

two shakes a day, protein first, complex carbs, I don't count anything except I stay on top of my vits and water

If I want a cookie I make cookies with no white flour in them (typically almond meal or oatbran).  I eat real sugar, no substitutes but only as a little treat.  If I'm majorly craving sweets I have a shake first and it typically goes away.

Sweets, it seems, are way better in my mind anyway. 

Now - I'm sorta' known for loving cake.  I'll eat the frosting off of the cake of every person in the room.  I. Love. Cake.

But here's the difference now:  I don't have to have it.  Sometimes I want it but pre-op that urge would drive me to the store to buy an entire cake and enjoy it over a week.  Now?  I just have a shake and I'm good.

So, I haven't had cake since my surgery.  I didn't have any on my birthday/wedding anniversary.  When I hit 50lbs I thought "I'm going to have cake".  I didn't.....'cause I wanted it to be perfect and oh so good. 

For my BF's birthday we were in the city at Magnolia and they are known for their cupcakes.  Eh, didn't seem intrigued.  Then I saw a chocolate cake.  I thought 'this is it, I'll get a slice'.  I ordered a slice and they gave me two (one was 'too small' to serve to they just gave it to me).  I got home, had my dinner (Brok's pizza) and then thought 'ok, time for cake'. 

I had a bite.  It was good.  It was really good, actually - but it didn't fill a need like it did pre-op.  I didn't have that instant rush of 'oh my god this is amazing and I need to eat it all'.  I wanted that feeling but it didn't come.  My body just wasn't that interested.  I had about four small bites and then put it away.

Then I felt like shit.  Horrible.  Bloated and stomach pain and just ugh!  White flour is not my friend. 

Then the diarrhea started and has lasted most of the night and day.

Now, I dunno if this will last but I sure hope it does.  Why?  Because it's nice to not really want cake.  It feels like I won somehow.  Because seriously - never again.  Just not worth feeling like that.  Not at all.

With the hormone dump....

with the occasional fatigue.....

with the occasional poo issues.....

with the occasional anxiety over all the changes.....

this is the easiest damn thing I've ever done. 

Might not make sense to someone who hasn't struggled their whole lives to lose weight but I just can't believe when I get on the scale that I've lost more weight.  Or better yet, that I haven't gained any back.

Tied for top three best decisions of my entire life.

Post Date 10/27/09 9:09 am

My post yesterday was hard for me to type and I bawled every time someone replied - mostly from relief that you all understand.  You were so tender and gracious and just what I needed.  Thank you.  Today is better.  Tomorrow may be bad again.  I'm taking it a step at a time.  But please know that I hear you.  I hear you when you say to be kind to myself.  I am taking it in and from the bottom of my heart - thank you.

(For those concerned:  I do have a therapist and we are working on this stuff.  We're also talking about the potential for medications if we both feel I need it.  Thanks for all the wonderful advice)

In the midst of all of this, I hit 50lbs lost today.  That's 40-50% of my EWL (depending on what my final number ends up being) gone at just over 3 months. (I guess all that pooping IS a good thing)

Here is what my husband sent to me from work about my weight loss: 

"You know what's cool about you losing 50 lbs?  You'd have done that anyway with the surgery - but you've done it while keeping up a really complex nutrition regimen and you've done it right, and handled things that would have confused a lot of people.  Sometimes when you're caught up in details it's tough to see that you've accomplished a lot.  And you have - you've done a lot of complex things right."

He's been so lovely about what's going on for me emotionally.  He didn't marry an insecure, anxious woman nine years ago and he's handling me being in that place beautifully and with such care.

Second milestone:  signing up for my first 5K to take place in Central Park at the stroke of Midnight on December31st.  It's amazing how much easier running is 50lbs lighter.