Its been years since I visited OH, I really don't know how I wound up on this website after so many years. Maybe, cause I have done a lot of reflecting about how committed I was compared to where I am now. I know how it happened that I appear not to care any more but that doesn't make it OK. At one time I had the fight of my life convincing Dr's and Insurance companies that I was worth the risk and would do whatever it took to lose weight. I did lose from 360 down to 179 at my lowest and truly I think I was only there for like a day. I sat very happily at about 190 on a regular basis. It was last year almost to the day that I consulted a Plastic surgeon and found out that to have to skin removed and do the things I felt necessary to enjoy my weight loss would take about 20, 000. My hubby had always promised me that my part was to lose the weight and his part would be to finance. The economy has been so bad and even though we are doing OK, I know that we realistically cannot afford that amount of money. I think when the realization hit, that was the exact moment that I just didn't car anymore. My clothes have not been fitting so good and I know that I have really survived mostly on the things I graze on, chips and candy are my friends on a regular basis, not just a stolen treat occasionally. It is so bad that I again have a stashed bag of peanut butter M& M in my underwear drawer, just like the old days. Today, I woke up and got on the scale. I am 212. I really am not surprised. I don't know if i have what it takes to get this under control again but I do know that I am not prepared to be over 300 again. I have gained 22 pounds this year. I never believed people when they said you gain back all your weight, but maybe it is true. Just because the scale disgusted me, I do not find that inner strength and excitement to do this. I am almost confident in my sure failing that is to come.
Maybe it was Davine intervention that brought me back to OH, it used to be a source of huge motivation for me. I guess I will just try to take this one day at a time and see what happens.