7/29/06                 Someone asked me a few days ago how much more weight I'd like to lose. I hadn't thought like that and then reflected from my recent 6 month app't with surgeon he stated weighing 160 pounds would probably be a realistic goal. Well I didn't take that further at the time but after being asked the question- i realized i have less than 20 pounds to go before reaching that goal!!! I have never in my life ever stated- oh, i have that last 20 pounds to lose....ONLY TWENTY (actually less)!!??!!??!! I probably have at least 10 pounds of excess skin too. I have a good year or more before i should consider plastic surgery but i suppose i should start saving for it now. It hasn't sunken into my hed yet that i weigh around 180 pounds. When i look in the mirror I see more pounds. My weight is lower than some co-workers and family and those folks i never saw as "fat" or "obese". That makes me think when people see me now- even strangers- the first thing they think to describe me is NOT obese- but some other trait---maybe the obese or fat label comes third or fourth now instead of the first think people think. This perception I have may seem weird but it makes me feel good knowing that people may see other things in me now and not be so quickly labeling and dismissing me as the fat or obese woman. For people to see beyond my obesity for the first time is quite iberating. Although, to be sure, those who were prejudice and condescending to me post op and switch up and be nicer and accepting now---don't bother as you ar not worth my time. I do not want to be in the company of shallow, artificial people. I haven't noticed the jealousy factor yet from anyone but i guess it might be there. I have never been a jealous person but also I have never really perceived anyone being jealous of me. This will be a new experience for me when I notice it. I will probably not get caught up in the jealousy games though- it'sjust not in my nature.


8/15/06          LANDMARK NUMBER!! I have reached a BMI under 30!! I am no longer obese---clinically! I have to write this because I do not beleive it-yet! Going to amusement park all day tomorrow in celebration of bariatic successes. No longer do I fear being able to fit on rides and rollercoasters. Now i am thinking of other amusing and risky things like skydiving, hang gliding and parasailing- just to try them! I am somewhat afraid of heights- but not if i have wings or a net! :-) I completed the first degree of Reiki certification recently. I don't think i would have ever taken such a class when I was approaching 300 pounds. I just didn't do a lot of things tht i would have liked to do being morbidly obese. I have yet to sign up for a martial arts class though. i know they take discipline and dedication and I am not yet sure of my committment level for that. Exercising regularly is still a challenge for me- not because i am tired or exhausted all the time but just finding the time or I should say prioritizing my time to include it. I don't think i was ever really a mean or angry fat person but I am finding out some people perceived me as such in the past. i do have an assertive/aggressive edge and that has not gone away. In fact, the assertiveness may even be becoming more pronounced. I just wonder what the stereotypical remarks people make of me now given the obesity it not so strongly in the forefront. As much as I really don't care what people of little circumstance in my life think- I am a bit curious. Well, hi ho, hi ho....guess where i must go? ....Adios. *Via con Dios *


9/18/06             I pasted this WLS grads forum reply below into my profie as a keepsake. i sort of felt like i didn't "qualify" to post in that forum but someone else's journey hit home for me...
RE: Identity Crisis
"I am only 8 months post op but at goal. I can understand your feelings. This may not be helpful advice but my way of coping with this currently is to resolve to the fact that people that knew me post op will always identify me by my weight (or weight loss) first. Yes its a stereotype and yes it is very limiting. I have never wanted to be defined by my weight- but its my reality. I wish people could see beyond it or even just talk about the weather - anything but my weight and its loss. I think that is why many people change jobs- as their co-workers didn't know them as a pre-op- didn't form stereotypes and limiting prejudices. Of course we can't really resign from our family and close friends and get brand new ones- can we? I am realizing I may have to play "tough love" with those important people in my life by saying at some point-- I do not want to talk about the weight or size issues any longer---lets MOVE ON. Of course in a weight/size obsessed society- this will be a tough task to say the least.
I do not feel a personal identity crisis...yet...but I feel your pain. I suppose currently I am more disgusted with the old stereotypes my obesity caused- and I figured years ago I got thru the prejudice and stereotype issues when I accepted my obese self. I have to keep telling myself i cannot change the past- I must move on. Accept it as a learning experience- and I am still on that journey of self discovery. At this point for me- when people comment about my weight loss etc I politely answer their questions as i am still quite passionate about my success. I am getting a slow feeling though this is "getting old" and i notice some people's reaction to my answers as if its TMI for them---either that or they genuinely do not care about my answers or experiences. It's hard to say. One thing i do say almost 100% of the time when people focus on my success and weight loss is my hope to remain at goal weight range in 5-10 years--ie the surgery and my willpower and discipline having stood the test of time.
As far as the person in the mirror- I am wondering if this dysmorphic disorder i have will ever cease. I still see a fat person, can't believe my BMI is now just overweight, and can't believe every size 12 pants I tried on this past week fit me well. I think to myself- if i can fit into a small or medium top or blouse- where in the world do the "truly small or medium sized women" shop? The junior's section?
Thanks for sharing your journey and feelings. I am glad to have the support of this forum and its members."

9/29/06           I went to DVR support group this past Wednesday evening. Now its at 6pm and organized by DVR's wife. I am glad they have a foraml facilitor now although the group still seems pretty unstructured and many folk want to talk and have to do so aftr the meeting as the group tends to ramble on and some tend to monopolize. Sometimes it can be frustrating if you come to one group--get someone's long story of the week- and then the next meeting- that same prson comes and brings up the same story. Obviously these people are needy and want to talk but I think others in the group have needs too but are less likely to speak up or god forbid interrupt. October's meeting will have another social workr as guest speaker...not sure I'll be going o not and then Nov's meeting will have some sort of dietary prep for the holidays with a recipe exchange feature. I don't really feel like I "need" to go to these groups- but I do like to be available for pre-ops and newer post-ops with questions etc. Hopefully the program will send out the email list of members---months ago i completed a consent form for such but haven't heard anything since...hum...

10/13/06            I had my 9 month follow up app't on wednesday and I have lost 81% of my excess body weight. I was told to expect the weight to stop coming off. So its the time for a plateau and that should not bother me. I still can't believe i weigh between 150-160 pounds. Looks like a lot more in the mirror. i guess my "head" needs to catch up with the weight loss. The surgeon stated PS should not be an option for at least another 9mo to a year. He stated the excess skin would still be there no matter how i had lost the weight. He stated if I built up a bit of muscle from weight training/weight lifting- the muscle could fill out the skin a little but it would still be plenty of excess. THe elasticity of the skin is gone in many areas- its not casued by extreme fast weight loss but rather decades of overstreched skin from obesity. Some people seem to think RNY causes the excess skin problem. I think that is just another one of their excuses not to have RNY because that statement is not true- what the issue really is for many is fear of confronting food addiction. I do not spend much time on trying to convince others of the facts about RNY - especially if their comments seem only motivated by a desire to attempt to knock me down a notch. I figure some do not want to celebrate my success with me and if they are obese they are on their own journey - like it or not- and will be elightened to the facts eventually.
One odd thing was the doc at my 6 mo appt stated some bloodwork was due at 9 mos and this week he said nothing was due until 12 months....hum. He did say my PCP can go ahead with the dexa scan since i have been having more bone pain in recent months. Xrays showed some arthritis in left shoulder and left hip but that was probably there when I weighed 300 pounds too.

12/30/06             WOW - It's been a while since I posted.  Stangely enough I am much less often on the OH website than I was as a pre-op.  I never thought I would be where I am today.  It's still surreal.  I am- believe it or not--- now faced with the challenge of MAINTAINING my current weight which is between 140-145 pounds!  Imagine that?  My BMI is in the "normal" range- even if it is the higher part of the range.                   My challenge for 2007 is to incorporate a regular fitness program into my life.  I have not beeen formally exercising since the surgery- but I am MUCH more active than I have ever been in my life.  Coincidentially, my one year post op appointment with the surgeon is on my surgiversary- 1/17/07.  Plus his support group is being held that evening.  What a special day it will be! :-)                                                          Now mind you my life is not carefree.  I still struggle with IBS and lots of gas and lower GI distress.  I suppose that will be my fate for life.  I have just recently been able to tolerate a piece of fried chicken/chicken tenders, and chicken wings.  These were my passion/addiction when I was MO.  They taste great- just can only eat a small amount before I am full now.  Yes, I do eat emotionally at times- especially with all the holiday goodies and candies around at work.  Yes, I eat some sugar including Whitmans and Russell Stover type chocolate caramel candies etc.  I get mostly gas for them which is sometimes worth it if is a good quality chocolate.  I believe my body still has significant malabsorption of the calories.  Not sure when that will change but I hear eventuially the body does start to absorb more.  I have not had to watch what I eat or keep a food journal as I have always been losing weight since the RNY.  I eat more carbs than proteins which I know is not ideal.  I love citrus fruits- naval oranges, grapefruits, clementines.  i eat bananas and apples regularly too.  Hard pretzels are a staple food for me.  3 grams of protein per pretzel is pretty good.  I really cannot  do green leafy vegetables due to the GI distress they cause.             I wish the best for everyone on their upcoming surgiversary dates.  One of these days it will sink into my head I  am not longer "fat" or obese---everyone keeps telling me how "skinny" I am but I still see lots of fat in the mirror- despite being able to wear small tops and medium bottoms in clothing.  My head will hopefully catch up with  my body in 2007!?!  Maybe i will be visiting the Plastics messageboards in 2007!?!