Karen's WLS Journey
Mom died
1/14/07 My mother died on 1/6/07 unexpectedly. She died in her sleep from what we can tell. I am numb I suppose. I have cried some but anticipated being a "basketcase" when one of my parents died. Perhaps I will have my "basketcase" phase eventually. The family has been busy going thru mom's things. My father seems to want her things gone from the home- perhaps if gone he thinks the pain and grief will hurt less. But I know that will not help- the pain is still there regardless. He may be moving in with my brother within the next month it seems so I guess sorting thru mom's stuff now is needed given the sorting and moving of his personal items may be coming soon too. He has bladder cancer- not an advanced stage- and found out a few days ago the last prcedure he had was unable to remove all the cancer cells. Now his optins are full body chemotherapy trial or surgery to remove the bladder. He was facing his mortality with this fairly new diagnosis- and was anticipating his demise. He had even showed my mom where his important papers and accounts are held in recent weeks- having no idea she would die before him. Not totally sure yet the precise cause of death for my mom. Some delay with death certificate as the physician wrote unknown as cause of death- and that is not acceptable per gov't standards. My impression is it was respiratory failure related to acute bronchitis/pneumonia coupled with chronic sleep apnea. She was super morbidly obese and diabetic too. On 18 medications. She was a sick lady in the chronic sense. She was also physically disabled and essentially home bound. My father even supects she had a small stroke recently as she was unable to move her "good leg" to get into the car a few days before she died. We are finished with the ritual/ceremonial things- viewings, services etc. I have taken a few of my mother's things- either things that I can use (being practical) or things with some sentimental value. My sister has plans to take many possessions back to her home in Virginia. I am not sure why she is accumulating so much to take when a lot of it has no major sentimental value in my opinion and can be donated to charity/Good Will. Many of the possessions I bet my mother would have rid herself of if she had planned to do some of that "spring cleaning" over the last few years. I guess everyone has that closet full of unneeded stuff they keep putting off going thru and ridding themselves of. I suspect taking all this stuff is my sister's way of dealing with grief currently. She seemed uncomfortable with the fact my father wanted to "rid the house of mom" so soon- she will probably store the items in her home somewhere indefinitely. I haven't had much dialogue with my brother. Men do grieve differently and he may not be one wanting to talk about things much- his wife states he isn't talking much to her either. We seem to be going thru his wife for much communication to him which is fine as long as the communications are kept clear and accurate. It's been challenging trying to communicate one's personal needs in the grief process - needing to help with final arrangements or whatever- when some in the family want to say they are handling everything. I think they have learned a little to step outside themselves and see that other family members have needs too. Some still want to dictate what happens with what or who does what without even having a dialogue with the people involved. That is an unhealthy way to communicate and it will almost always lead to problems and arguments. Some of this behavior however was present even before mom died- so i shouldn't be surprised it continues. I recall maybe a year ago some family decided a caregiving plan for my mother's needs which included a daily visit for me to her home around 9-10am to put on her Ted stockings....Hello??
I am grateful I have gotten lots of support in my grief. A few seemingly well meaning people have not be so supportive in their comments. These people though are primarily members of this website who I do not know- so I take the comments with a grain of salt anyway. Its unfortunate how some are so generous in offering their advice when its an unhealthy and sometimes pathological response. I suppose due to my professional background, I see the pathology in people's comments and perceptions more easily than the average person. Of course if their advice works for them- so be it.
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1/14/07 My mother died on 1/6/07 unexpectedly. She died in her sleep from what we can tell. I am numb I suppose. I have cried some but anticipated being a "basketcase" when one of my parents died. Perhaps I will have my "basketcase" phase eventually. The family has been busy going thru mom's things. My father seems to want her things gone from the home- perhaps if gone he thinks the pain and grief will hurt less. But I know that will not help- the pain is still there regardless. He may be moving in with my brother within the next month it seems so I guess sorting thru mom's stuff now is needed given the sorting and moving of his personal items may be coming soon too. He has bladder cancer- not an advanced stage- and found out a few days ago the last prcedure he had was unable to remove all the cancer cells. Now his optins are full body chemotherapy trial or surgery to remove the bladder. He was facing his mortality with this fairly new diagnosis- and was anticipating his demise. He had even showed my mom where his important papers and accounts are held in recent weeks- having no idea she would die before him. Not totally sure yet the precise cause of death for my mom. Some delay with death certificate as the physician wrote unknown as cause of death- and that is not acceptable per gov't standards. My impression is it was respiratory failure related to acute bronchitis/pneumonia coupled with chronic sleep apnea. She was super morbidly obese and diabetic too. On 18 medications. She was a sick lady in the chronic sense. She was also physically disabled and essentially home bound. My father even supects she had a small stroke recently as she was unable to move her "good leg" to get into the car a few days before she died. We are finished with the ritual/ceremonial things- viewings, services etc. I have taken a few of my mother's things- either things that I can use (being practical) or things with some sentimental value. My sister has plans to take many possessions back to her home in Virginia. I am not sure why she is accumulating so much to take when a lot of it has no major sentimental value in my opinion and can be donated to charity/Good Will. Many of the possessions I bet my mother would have rid herself of if she had planned to do some of that "spring cleaning" over the last few years. I guess everyone has that closet full of unneeded stuff they keep putting off going thru and ridding themselves of. I suspect taking all this stuff is my sister's way of dealing with grief currently. She seemed uncomfortable with the fact my father wanted to "rid the house of mom" so soon- she will probably store the items in her home somewhere indefinitely. I haven't had much dialogue with my brother. Men do grieve differently and he may not be one wanting to talk about things much- his wife states he isn't talking much to her either. We seem to be going thru his wife for much communication to him which is fine as long as the communications are kept clear and accurate. It's been challenging trying to communicate one's personal needs in the grief process - needing to help with final arrangements or whatever- when some in the family want to say they are handling everything. I think they have learned a little to step outside themselves and see that other family members have needs too. Some still want to dictate what happens with what or who does what without even having a dialogue with the people involved. That is an unhealthy way to communicate and it will almost always lead to problems and arguments. Some of this behavior however was present even before mom died- so i shouldn't be surprised it continues. I recall maybe a year ago some family decided a caregiving plan for my mother's needs which included a daily visit for me to her home around 9-10am to put on her Ted stockings....Hello??
I am grateful I have gotten lots of support in my grief. A few seemingly well meaning people have not be so supportive in their comments. These people though are primarily members of this website who I do not know- so I take the comments with a grain of salt anyway. Its unfortunate how some are so generous in offering their advice when its an unhealthy and sometimes pathological response. I suppose due to my professional background, I see the pathology in people's comments and perceptions more easily than the average person. Of course if their advice works for them- so be it.
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