kwinkleman

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My scale and I are literally friends one minute, enemies the next.  For the past 3 days it has been up 2 pounds (232) down 2 pounds (229) this morning it was back up 2 pounds (232) again.  When I saw it this morning I literally laughed! .  There is no way that I ate enough to truly gain 2 pounds.  So I know that it has to be water weight, bloating, etc...  But normally I get a little upset when it does this but this morning was different.  There was clearly nothing funny about seeing 232 but at the same time I thought it was somewhat comical.  I finished getting ready and went to the closet to pick out an outfit for work.  I have some really good friends who have provided me with clothes (smaller clothes) that have just been sitting in my closet.  I have still been wearing my size 22-24 pants and shirts to work everyday.  Pants bottoms dragging the ground, bottom sagging, LOL my co-workers asked me yesterday if I looked in the mirror at my pants before I left the house.  Yes they were somewhat big but they were comfy.  So today I decided that I was going to try something different.  I pulled out a size 18 pair of pants and a large top....a top that was given to me by a rather "skinny" young lady I might add LOL!  I went back to the bathroom and glanced at the scale still flashing 232!  I laughed again.  I put those size 18 pants on and that large top....and they fit perfect!  No saggy, no baggy, my co-workers all were like "wow" that was underneath all those baggy clothes you have been wearing LOL.
So the moral of this story is....never take the scale too seriously!  Not only will it drive you insane but those days when it is up 2 down 2....you are still losing inches!

Putting my needs first is something that I have NEVER done before. I have a 7 year old son so his needs have always came first, closly followed by the needs of whoever I was dating at the time, followed by the needs of friends, family, and work.  My needs always come at the very end of the list and are usually completely overlooked.  I also admit that I have kept myself a pretty busy person.  I work at a very busy law office so I can easily work 60+ hours a week, I am a full time single mom, a full time student, and usually a full time girlfriend LOL.  That is a lot of "stuff" to try and pack into a single day.  So I find myself doing things that are not so healthy to either unwind or stay alert so I can make it through a day.
I have started living on 5 Hour Energy drinks again.  I know they are low calorie, and either low or no sugar....but they can't be all that good for you can they?  Probably not everyday right??  I have started drinking coffee....which is something that I use to NEVER do!  And to unwind....alcohol has become a good friend of mine.  No, I am not out drinking and partying it up all night, but a few nights a week I find myself making a drink...usually just one but sometimes 2-3.  I am only 3 months out today so I am pretty sure that alcohol is not on my diet plan!  
I am paying for a gym membership that I haven't used in probably a month.  So I am wasting money and not getting the benefits that I know I am going to need in the maintenance stage from daily exercise.  But it goes back to the not having enough time in the day, usually when I leave the office after sitting at this computer for sometimes 10 hours the last thing that I want to do is go walk on a treadmill.  I have not taken a vitamin, supplement, acid reducer anything in about a month.  On a positive note I have been drinking at least one protein shake a day....although 2 would be so much better!

So I think it is time that I started to think about me!  I had this surgery for a reason.  I did not wake up one morning and decide I wanted to go have my guts rearranged (as my good friend said).  This is something that I thought long and hard about for years.  When I was finally approved I did so much research, visited so many websites, read so many articles, I invested a lot of time and energy fighting and learning as much as I could before I had surgery!  It was a big deal to me and getting healthy and losing weight is something that I have wanted to so very long.  I think I have to remember why I did this in the first place.  RNY is a tool!!  I am seeing that more and more.  I am proof that you can still do those unhealthy things even after having surgery.  It is not a quick fix and I am seeing that this is something I need to work on a little bit more!

So I always say nothing is offical until it is in black and white so here is my plan....in black and white!!  LOL
I am cutting out all juice.  I was living on OJ for about a month, I finally found a crystal light that I love so I am on that now.  I am cutting out all sodas...yes I know I know...not good!!  And I am cutting out alcohol, or at least most of the alcohol.  Maybe a drink on the weekends...or if is a really rough day at work.    I am also going to commit to going back to the gym probably starting next week.  My son is in spring break at the YMCA right now so the last thing he wants to do is spend another hour there when I get off work.  I am going to up my water intake and count calories better.  I am going to try to log everything!

That is a lot of changes....all at one time!!!  Wish me luck!!!   

Motivation....it is something that I personally think about every single day.  What motivates me?  What do I need to become more motivated?  Why are my goals...are they motivation?  And what things keep me from being motivated?
My #1 motivation is my SON!  He is 7 years old and as a single mother I want to be healthy, active, and a part of his life for a very long time.  I want to be able to go to amazement parks....and fit in the rides LOL.  I want to be able to run and play with  him at the park without feeling like I am going to pass out.  I want to be able to go to the beach and sit in the sun without feeling like a beached whale.
My #2 motivation is my career.  I work in the legal field and while you wouldn't think that the legal field would really care what a person looks like....that is so not the case.  I work for a very young law firm and the attorney's are beautiful, stylish, hip, trendy individuals.  They run their firm based on the fact that they are so young and are doing great things. They are in the media spotlight everyday.  And while I am not an attorney and no where near the media I do meet with clients.  And I don't want them to get their first impression of our firm from an overweight frumpy paralegal....because that simply is not who the firm is or who I am for that matter.  I want to be able to wear heels, business suits, cute little dresses, business professional outfits and feel comfortable knowing that I am professional and look good.  Now I wear baggy clothes, frumpy jackets, no color, and I usually don't even think about putting on make-up.  Getting out of that "funk" is my motivation #2.
My motivation #3 is getting married!  I know getting married shouldn't be a motivation seeing that I am NOT engaged, or even close to getting engaged...or even finding someone to marry me but I hope that this transformation will help me come out of my shell, realize that I deserve good things and be able to find a good, hardworking man that is ready to settle down and get married one day.  I want to be able to wear a fitted wedding dress, and be the beautiful bride that all brides want to be on their wedding day.

Being healthy is an overall motivational factor for me but honestly when I had surgery I didn't have any health issues.  I wasn't on any medications, I was as healthy as a person weighting 301 pounds could be thankfully.  I want that healthiness to not only to continue but to get better and better with time.  I can also honestly say that the day of surgery I cried because I KNEW I had made the wrong decision.  The 2-3 weeks after surgery the pain was so terrible that I KNEW I had made the worse decision of my life.  And I KNEW that I did something I was going to regret forever.  I am happy to say that today I KNOW that I made the right decision for me.  Things have been rough, it has not been a walk in the park, but I made the right decision.  No regrets, no remorse.     Happy Wednesday!!!

 I am soooo super tired today.  Had a super long stressful weekend, so I was so not ready to come back to work today.
So I have a question.....if you weight yourself and see a number one day....and the next day it is a little different.....to you still record that lower number  LOL???  My weight loss has a pattern of sorts.  I fluctuate through the week (Monday - Thursday) then around Friday-Sunday I usually see a loss.  Well this past week was that exact way.  Friday I was 232, Saturday 231....and Sunday I saw 230!!!!!  I steped on and off the scale 3 times just to make sure that I wasn't still asleep or dreaming and every time it said 230.  So then WHY this morning when I step on the scale does it say 232???!!!!  I do feel rather bloated this morning so maybe that is the reason.  I just hate to record a weight in my health tracker if it isn't the accurate weight.

We had a BBQ yesterday, and I admit I am not much of a red meat eater.  I do chicken and fish/seafood, but I hardly ever eat beef or pork.  Well yesterday they had grilled and BBQ'd some chicken legs, ribs, and pork chops.  I had a small bite here and there, but then when everyone else ate I decided to make me a small little plate.  I had one small spoon of my homemade potato salad and one small baby rib.  It tasted so darn good.....and made me so darn sick!!!!!  I was in the bathroom for hours.  My stomach cramped, and the pain was almost unbearable.  Now I remember why I stick to chicken and fish.....I don't think my pouch really likes a lot of red meat.  I wish I could just become a vegetarian....but me and my son LOVE shrimp so much I don't know if I could ever give it up!!!  LOL

Have a great Monday Funday everyone.....I am headed to get some coffee ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy St. Patricks Day OH Fam!!!!!   
I am so super tired today.  I have been getting woke up between midnight and 1am every morning by my so called BF.  Why can he not just bring his behind home at a reasonable hour...or better yet JUST STAY GONE!!!!  
I woke up this morning and hoped on the scale....down another pound!!!  One more pound and I will be at the 70 pounds gone mark!!!!  I can't wait.  I was shocked to get to 50lbs gone, then was so excited at 60lbs gone, so I can't wait to be able to say 70lbs gone!!  I think I wanna have a party LOL.  I have been drinking at least 2 protein shakes a day all week which is SUCH a feat for me as I wasn't drinking them at all.  I tried a few different brands before surgery and they were horrible.  So after surgery I couldn't stand the smell or taste.  But my BFF gave me some that I have been able to tolerate so they have become part of my daily routine.  Now if I could get get my behind back to the gym on a regular basis I would be doing great.
I hope that every one has a blessed and safe St. Patty's Day today....try not to get pinched if you forgot to wear GREEN!!!!!

I offically have a Love/Hate Relationship with my scale.  Some mornings it totally makes my day....and other mornings it makes me want to completely destroy it.  This morning it made me happy.  I FINALLY say 233 again!!!!  I stepped off, stepped back on again....233!  Thrid times a charm right....233 again!  So I take that as my offical weight for the day!  LOL 
It is so funny to me how that 3 digit number can affect your entire day.  On days that it drops or at least stays the same I am so much more motivated to stay on track and work even harder to drink my water, drink my protein shakes, eat the healthier (smaller) meals.  The days that it is up....all I think about all day is food, negative thoughts, self doubt.  You would totally think that it would be the other way around.  My personal goal is 180, which to some might still sound over weight for someone who is only 5'5" tall.  But I never wanted to be super thin, I just wanted to be more healthy.  Yesterday I was at the doctor and they took my blood pressure...for the first time in YEARS it was normal.  It is the little things like that, that make this surgery so worth it.  I walked very fast from my office to the library about 3 blocks away yesterday afternoon.  I was not completely out of breath.  These small feats that would have never been possible before make all the pain, recovery time, and struggle so worth it!  That and looking at the pictures of the outfit that I am going to buy on Babyphat.com!!!  LOL  Those things are great motivation for me.  So on that note, I am going to go log my eats for the day, get a fresh cold glass of water and start my day!  HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!!  

So I have a 7 year old son who is one of my biggest motivators for losing weight.  The other morning he gave me a hug and put his arms all the way around my waist.  I paused for a minute and looked at him, he looked at me and said "mom I can put my arms all the way around you"!  That has NEVER happened before.
The same day I was doing my hair and when I looked in the mirror I could actually see a difference!!!  Not a huge difference but looking at myself in the mirror the reflection was  alittle different than what I had been seeing.  I am starting to be able to see my collar bone, which I think is a HUGE deal.  My cheeks and area around my nose is slimming up.  I looked younger....not that I am old or anything LOL.

I hate my scale.  Why does it tease me the way that it does?  I have been trying to not pay much attention to it during the week as I have noticed that my week day weight is usually up and down but towards the weekend it usually drops.  I FINALLY made it out of the 240's!!!!  Then I sat at 235 for all of last week.  On Saturday morning I hoped on the scale and it said 233!!!!  WOOHOO!!!!  Sunday morning it said 235 again  WTF????  Monday it was still at 235....and today that hefer said 236!  I almost picked it up and threw it at my BF who was laying in bed snoring.  He woke me up coming home at 1am this morning so that is why it would have been chucked at him first....then I would have threw it out in the middle of the road and backed over it with my car!  Up 3 pounds since Saturday!!!  I saw that 233 for a brief second and I haven't seen it since.  Between men, work, school, and the scale I think I am going INSANE!!!  Am I doing something wrong?  Did I gain 3 pounds off that bag of potato chips that I ate Sunday night?  Are my protein shakes too high in calories ( 120 per serving)?  Am I eating the wrong foods?  Am I eating too much?  Am I retaining water?  But I am not drinking any water so what gives?  Is my sodium too high?  The questions go one and on for days.  Why?  What is the problem?  AAAAAGGGGGG

Ok, maybe I just needed to vent! LOL  Anyway today is a new day, the potato chips are out of the house.  I am on a roll with my protein shakes and I am feeling pretty good about taking a step back from the drama and getting back to the basics AGAIN!  I feel like I have said that before but seem to keep getting pulled off track.  This time I am not doing it for anyone else, I am doing it for me!  I want this!  I don't want to be in the 230's or even the 220's, I don't even want to be in the 200's!  I want onederland....and I want it NOW!!!!  LOL 
On that note I guess I need to get to work.  Goals for today:  Track my food, 3 protein shakes, small high protein meals....and NO JUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wish me luck!!!!  One day at a time!

 Is there even such a thing as work/life balance?  How do you even begin to balance your time and energy between work, school, children, relationships, friends, etc??  I thought that this was something that I had under control for the most part.  Then I got a promotion at work, and going to the gym became something that I am interested in doing on a regular basis.  My new job is SO much more demanding and time consuming then the job that I had before.  I could literally stay at work all day and all night and still have stuff to do.  My son has a new daycare that is only open until 6pm.  So everyday I get up early, drop him off at school right at 7:15am so I can rush to get to work by 7:30am.  I work through lunch because I know that at 5:30pm on the dot I have to be out the door to fight traffic across town to get to daycare.  I have thought about grabbing him and coming back to work but who wants to come back to work after spending 10+ hours straight there already?  
By the time I get to daycare (YMCA) which is also the gym I am a member at I don't even feel like doing a workout.  The only thing that is on my mind is getting home, cooking dinner and getting ready for bed.....which leads to a totally different problem--school work.  I am also working on  my 2nd degree, I am an online student and getting my Paralegal degree is very important because I want to become certified (which means a raise and more job opportunities).   But I failed 2 classes last semester and I am getting ready to fail another one all because I can't seem to find the time and energy to do the work on time!  So how do you balance life, school, work, gym, relationships, friendships.....oh and I didn't even mention my so called relationships and my non-existent friendships.  I have great friends....I just never see them.  And my relationship...or the lack there of, honestly has nothing to do with any type of balance, but if I wanted to look for something new....when would I even have time?

On a positive note the scale did move last weekend.  Which as been the pattern, it doesn't move all week then towards the weekend it moves a little.  66 pounds gone!  55 more to go!  WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!