kwinkleman

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 90 pounds GONE!!!!!  I try not to talk too much about pounds lost because I know how easy it is to compare mysef to others and get frustrated.  But I am excited about FINALLY reaching the 90 pound mark because that means that I ONLY have 12 pounds to go to be in onederland!!  I WANT IT SO BAD  And I want it by the end of June!  I don't think that is too much to ask for right??  LOL  Onderland is going to be so exciting, refreshing, liberating!!!  I haven't weighed in the 100's in YEARS!!!  I will be so excited just to see 199!!!!  Even if it is 199.9  LOL

On a different note I have 2 apartments that are possibilities for my move!!!!!!!!!!!!  This morning was the icing on the cake.  I get up at 2am and take the dog out and then again at 6am when I got up to get ready for work.  The dog is associating going outside with playing so I could spend 20 minutes out there with her all she wants to do is run, and jump and bark, and play.  But this morning she did her business both times we went outside.  I get ready for work, cook breakfast for me and my son and then go to do my hair.  This jerk gets up, goes into the living room for maybe 15 minutes and then goes back to the bed.  I come out of the bathroom and he says "the dog pooped on the floor".  I acted like I didn't hear him and went in to the living room and what do I see???  You guessed it...he say it and left it there.  So I get the bleach, clean up the mess, and scrub the carpet.  I go back to the bedroom and asked him what he said.  He said it again "the dog pooped on the floor".  I totally lost it!  I asked him why in the world would he see the mess and turn around and go back to bed?  Why not get a paper towel and clean it up. He gave me the deer in headlights look, like he had no idea what I was even talking about.  I asked him why he was so much better than me that he didn't have to lift a finger to clean up anything.  Yesterday morning I get up (I have been sleeping in my son's room) and go to the bathroom to find a plate of BBQ ribs and baked beans on the bathroom counter!  WHO DOES THAT?  First of all why is he eating in the bathroom, and why leave food in the bathroom?  To me that is just discusting.  I have a HUGE problem with bugs and thank God we don't have bugs now but thats a sure fire way to invite them into the house.  I simply don't get it.  And at this point I simply don't care.  But it still boggles my mind that a "man" can act this way.  Who goes back to bed when there is poo on the floor?  Who does that?  Where they do that at?  LOL  It is frustrating and funny to me all at the same time.  It is funny how a person's true colors begin to come out.  This is the same "man" who preaches to me about how he has to have a house that is kept clean, smelling good, and things in their place.  LOL please!  It also goes to show that he truly belives that women are good for 2 things....cooking and cleaning.  Well maybe 3 things...the 3rd would be being there any and every time he calls.  Annyoing!!!

 Yep....this weekend I offically fell off the wagon....it kinda hurt!!!  
After the butt kicking I got from my doctor I totally stepped my game up and was doing everything by the book.  I was back to counting every single calorie, measuring, drinking my water the whole 9 yards.  Last week I went from 216 on Monday to 211 on Saturday....I was on CLOUD 9.  Then the wagon hit a HUGE rock and I fell off.  The food monster came into my head and completely screwed me up.  I don't think that it was that I ate too much just that I was eating the wrong thing.  I had 2 cookies and 1/2 an oatmeal cream pie yesterday....on top of a piece of BBQ rib, baked beans, cooked cabbage, a piece of corn bread.  I drank soda, ate crackers....what the HELL is wrong with me?  Got on the scale this morning and it said 214....I almost cried.  I don't believe that I ate 9000 extra calories to add on the 3 pounds over the last 3 days but something is not right.  Is it possible that I ate that much?  No!  Maybe? Frustrating!!!
So today is a new day and I am back on the wagon....and this time I am sitting in a middle seat....far from the edge.  I planned out my breakfast, snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner.  I only brought the portion size, and I am going to stick to it if it kills me.  Head hurger is no JOKE!  It is real and I deal with it every single day!  I also have to get into a exercise program of some sort.  I keep saying that but I really have to make a plan and stick to it.  No one else is in control of my success but me!  I have to keep telling myself that!!!

 Thank goodness it is Friday.  This has been one of the longest weeks of my entire life.  We got a new puppy....her name is Prada she is my baby!  BUT she has to literally go to the bathroom like every 2 hours.  So I am up and down from the time I get home until the time I come to work the next morning.  And the other "adults" that live in the house seem to think that since they are up all day and take her out that it is my responsibility to be up with her all night.  Which I find to be somewhat interesting because he DOESN'T work!  And he is dealing with her while he is already awake....so I am confused about what the big deal is LOL.
Anyway, its a 3 day weekend.  So tomorrow I have made plans for me and my son (and the dog of course) to go to a town called Palatka, FL to the Blue Crab Festival.  I have never been but it is right on the St. John's River so it should be a lot of fun.  I am going to meet one of my girlfriends and just have a relaxing day.  Sunday I think I might take my son to the park or to this place called Devil's Millhopper.  It is like a HUGE sinkhole that supposedly opens up to waterfalls and other beautiful nature scenes.  Monday I would like to grill out and have a relaxing day at home.  Something simple.


What is everyone else doing this weekend????

So I had surgery on 11-29-2010.  I went back for my 2-3 week follow up and then my insurance got cancelled.  I searched high and low for plans that I might be able to afford on my own....found nothing.  I pushed and pushed my employer....the plans they have are so extremely expensive I literally wouldn't be able to pay the bills and afford insuranace at the same time.  So I kept searching, kept asking around....5 months went by.   Finally my employer agreed to pay for my visit, so I called the surgeon and got the first appontment that I could get.  I was excited to go back, get weighed and get his input.
BOY was I in for a shock.  First I saw the nurse, very nice, very polite.  Then a different doctor came in, he talked to me about my weight loss and introduced himself as my surgeons "right hand man".  He was very nice as well.  Then he came back to the room with my surgeon...we will call him Dr.B.  Dr. B looked at me and said "I can't be your doctor anymore".  I asked why and he said "I am not going to be responsible for someone who is not responsible for themselves".  I was a little in shock, didn't really know what to say.  He said "you can't have surgery like you have a hair cut and then never follow up".  I started to speak and he cut me off.  He said "have you taken your prescription acid reducers?"  And I said no because I don't have a refill...he said "exactly so when you get an ulcer don't come to see me".  He said "have you had b12 shots", I said no, he said "right so you have a deficency now, what do you plan on doing about that?".  I said well I went to see my PCP at one month out and she said, he cut me off again and said "I don't care what she said".  He said "you will get a certified letter from me expressing that I can not be your doctor anymore so I do not know what you are going to do".  By this time I am crying because 1) he won't listen to me and 2) he is making me feel like crap for no reason.  I finally got to tell him that my insurance was cancelled and I had made every attempt to get coverage so I could come back.  He said he didn't care and that "coming to see him was more important then putting food on my table".  He said he doesn't know what I spend my money on but I need to prioritize.  I told him there was no way I could afford office visits, labs, etc...out of pocket.  He said he didn't care.  He said he would see me anyway and try to write the appointment off.  Ok, how was I suppose to know that before that very moment?  What surgeon's do you know will just see a person no payment invovled?  I don't know of any.  I believe that if someone does something for you they should get paid.  I have bad enough credit as it is, I don't want to rack up more bills that I know I can't pay.  He didn't care and wouldn't even listen.  He asked me if I had a Sams Club card.  I told him no, but I could borrow one.  The other doctor that came in first was in the room for all of this.  He got out his wallet and handed me his Sams club card and told me to go get prilosec and Boost that it was cheaper at Sams.  Dr. B looked at me and said "he clearly thinks you are more responsible then I do"....still I was balling my head off.  He said "I will give you one more change, I am going to make you a 3 month appointment, if you don't show up you will get that certified letter".  He said he was going to give me a b12 shot and he left the room.  The other doctor sat in there with me telling me he was sorry and that he knows things are hard.  The nurse came back in she appologized said she could hear him all the way in the hall.
So now I am confused.  Do I find another doctor to handle my follow up care?  Dr. B didn't help me with my current issues, he didn't do labs, nothing.  He yelled at me, made me feel stupid, and sent me on my way. 

 Last night was ROUGH to say the least.  I had a few drinks which brought out the true emotions.  I cried, and cried, and cried some more.  He came home I tried once again to talk to him....he huffed and puffed, acted like I was bothering him.  He did send his ex the message.  He said "please stop texting and facebook messaging me and my lady, there is nothing between me and you anymore".  She replied and said "ok, well why did you give me your number then?"  which I find to be rather funny because he told me that she got his number from one of his cousins.  LOL just more lies.  While I was in the bathroom crying my eyes out....he leaves!  I come out of the bathroom to an empty bedroom and his car is gone.  I call him and he answers and says that he needs to "step out' for a little while.  Ok, so it doesn't matter if I am upset, crying, hurting, sick, etc...he will NOT make me a priority.  He told me that "we hang out from TIME TO TIME" but he likes to go hang out with his boys.  He said that he stays in the house all day, which I told him was not my fault, so when I come home he wants to go out.  Basically he is saying that since he watches my son for me from the time he gets out of school till 6pm that he HAS to spend all day in the house, so when I get home to take over watching my son he has to leave.  He is not my sons father.  So I told him I would just put Alex back in after school care and then he could have all day and all night to run and do his own thing.  I ended up going to bed, he came home later, ate, and went to sleep.  This morning he tried to talk but it was more of that same old madness.  So I looked at him and told him I was moving out.  That I didn't need a 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment for just me and Alex, plus I want to downsize and get something cheaper.  I am going to put Alex in a good daycare for after school and I am going to move on.  I told him that he needed to talk to his mom about things.  And that of course it wouldn't happen overnight but I had enough respect for them both to tell them ahead of time.
Guess what?????  He acted like he didn't even care. Said that his mom couldn't afford the place and that maybe I should just stay there and they would get a one bedroom somewhere.  I told him I had made my mind up I was leaving regardless.
I felt a small weight lifted off my shoulders by just telling him.  So I can only imagine the HUGE weight that will be lifted when I am actually gone.  This stress is consuming my mind, I can't concentrate at work, I am falling behind, drinking, not taking care of myself.  It is too much for any one to have to deal with....it is simply not worth it.

 Id like to start on a positive note.  My employer is paying for me to go see my surgeon tomorrow to hopefully have lab work done and get some questions answered to some issues I have been having!  So I am truly blessed that they care enough to help me out since my insurance was cancelled.
I also have found great relief in writing again.  I use to love to write/type, get my thoughts out on paper.  I use to go through those little journal books like they were going out of style.  I lost all of them in one of my moves and never took up writing again...but I think it is something that I am going to start doing again.  For me there is something relaxing about getting my thoughts out of my head and off of my chest....which is why I have been posting here so much, I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts, I appreciate and find great strength in the replies, and hope that maybe something I say or something someone else says can not only help me but help someone else who might not be ready to speak up and talk about their situation.

I spent my evening in the ER last night with a horrible bladder infection.  My 7 year old son was with me....my so called man was no where to be found....go figure.  So here is our normal routine---I get home around 6pm, he is usually not there, he usually leaves my son there with his mom and leaves before I get home....yes his mother lives with us too.  We moved out on our own in February, he moved her back in with us about 3 weeks later.  He does NOT work, but he does watch my son after school so I can work....well saying that he watches him is not completely accurate.  He is "there" so that Alex (my son) is not home alone.  They don't really interact, or talk even.  Then when his mom gets home he leaves Alex there with her which is fine with me....she is much more friendly when it comes to Alex then he is.  So I get home around 6pm, clean up, and start cooking dinner.  He comes home around 8-9pm eats dinner (he expects a meal every night) and then leaves again usually between 9:30-10pm...coming back home between midnight and 1am.  He comes in making all kinds of noise, wakes me up EVERY night.  And then sits in the living room till 2-3am watching TV before coming to bed.  So in a typical day I see him for maybe an hour sometimes 2.  But literally we sit in different rooms.  If I am in the living room he goes to the bedroom and vice versa.  Which I find to be strange.  Most relationships consist of general coversation right?  "How was your day" "How was work" "What are you doing tomorrow" simple conversation....not here.  I get up at 6am every morning (except weekend) make sure my son is up, take him to school, then I come to work.  My job is pretty demanding and detail is super important so times like today when I can't concentrate on anything is very counterproductive.
There are no good bye hugs or kisses, no embraces throughout the night, no hand holding, no cuddling, no passion, no romance.  I cook, clean, take out the trash, pull hair out of the drain, do dishes, clean up cigarette butts and ashes (even though I don't smoke), I handle all the laundry, and other chores around the house every single day.
The house that we have is rented 3 bedroom 2 baths.  This morning I got up and decided that I want a small one bedroom apartment.  I want something inexpensive and easy to maintain.  I am tired of working my butt off and having nothing to show for it.  I am tired of paying bills for others to sit home all day and watch TV, or others eating up every piece of food that I bring into the house.  And I am tired of having a man yet feeling COMPLETELY alone!  It is the strangest feeling to have 2 other adults in the house with you yet you feel like you are on a deserted island somewhere.  Have you ever felt that way?  I literally can't have an intelligent conversation with him.  He doesn't see things the way that I see things, which is so strange.  My main goal right now is to NOT fall back into that trap of trying to talk him into changing.  I am trying my hardest to accept that this is the way it is.  If he wanted to make  his ex stop calling/texting him he would make her stop.  And the fact that not only does he disrespect me but he allows her to disrespect me is too much for me to even comprehend.  He is going to do exactly what he wants to do.  So the only thing I can do is GET OVER IT!  It hurts, and right now I am typing looking at my phone wanting to text or call him....but I just can't!  Why should I?  One of my favorite quotes "don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you"....and he is NOT calling or texting me.  So I am trying to go with the "you do you" mentalitiy.....Ill let you know how it goes   

 Thank you everyone who took the time to read my "not weight loss related" blog and comment.  I appreciate all of your thoughts, kind words, kicks in the butt....trust me it was needed!!
So last night I go home to him being gone which was ok because I felt that I needed time to think.  I went through a rollercoaster ride of emotions.  First I was so upset that he could actually do these things.  Then that anger turned to humiliation because I was then mad at myself for ALLOWING him to do these things to me.  I let him disrespect me every single day.  And now not only is he disrespecting me, but he is allowing his "ex" girlfriend to disrespect me.  He told me last night that I am stressing for no reason because everyone knows that we are together.  Ok...then why can't he tell her to stop contacting him??  I would NEVER let my ex talk to him the way that she talked to me.  I am a somewhat rational person, she is the opposite.  I don't say disrespectful things just to say them...she does.  So how can he know that this is going on and allow it to happen?  I asked him last night why he can't stand up for me?  For our relationship?  Have my back, don't allow people to treat the woman that you supposedly love like crap.  He asked me 'if and when I contact her and tell her to stop are you going to let all this go"?  I told him probably not, because I feel like it is something that he should have handled a long time ago, now it is to the point that I feel I am begging him to stop talking to her.  I promised myself a long time ago that I would never compete or fight with any of his ex girlfriends for him.  And I refuse to go back on that promise to myself.  We are totally different in every way.  Not saying that one is better than the other but it is a matter of opinion.  I just can't do it!  My soul is tired, my heart is tired, my brain is tired of dealing and thinking about all this.  I have to make a plan and move on.  It is clear to me that things will NEVER change and he is NEVER going to be the man that I want him to be....the man that I think I deserve!

 So this blog entry is completely off subject....not weight loss related but I am sitting at work going crazy so I had to get some thoughts off my chest....and I know that this is THE best place to get advice.

I feel that I am somewhat codependent.  I have a BF who I have been with 2 years and 5 months.  The relationship sucks to say the least.  He does what he wants when he wants and doesn't think twice about it.  He doesn't consider how I feel, what I want, what I think, none of the above.  He stays out till 2-3AM, runs the streets, doesn't like to be questioned.  Even the simple questions like "what are you doing" or "where are you going".  I get answers like "down the street", "up the road", or "to my boys house".  Maybe its just me but those don't seem like real answers to me.  They don't give me any more information than I had before I asked the questions...which makes it pointless.  Yet if I give answers like that it is a problem and I have an attitude.  So we argue all the time about his "ways" and his lack of actually trying to make the relationship work.  So last night after his ex girlfriend texts me to tell me that she will ALWAYS be in his life (even though they are not and never were married and have no kids together), he came to me and told me that sometimes he doesn't know if he can put up with my bullshyt!  Excuse me??  I laughed because I honestly could not believe that he just said that.  He doesn't know if he can put up with my BS??  So the ex tells me that she will stop contacting him when he tells her to.  So I told him he needs to tell her to stop contacting him.  He tells me "he is just going to ignore it" so basically he doesn't want to tell her to leave him alone which tells me that he still wants to be in contact with her.
I just can't seem to shake this issue and it is consuming my life.  Yes I nag, I speak my mind with him, but that is because I am tired of sitting at home alone.  I am tired of cleaning up after him every day and night.  I work all day while he sits at home or runs with his friends.  Why can't he stay home when I get off work and spend time with me?  Why can't we sit in the same room and talk and watch TV together?  Why am I in the living room and he is in the bedroom?  Why does he have a lock on his phone?  Why does he always lay it upside down so if it rings no one can see who is calling?  Why can't he tell his ex to go fly a kite?  And why am I still sitting here putting up with this drama?  I try to hard to just keep my mouth shut and not argue, not speak my mind, not say anything.  But that literally drives me crazy.  I feel like he made the decision when he decided to not get rid of her.  If all it takes is a text saying "don't call me anymore" why not do that?  I would do it if the shoe was on the other foot.  And how after everything can he tell me he doesn't know if he can deal with me!!??
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  I am literally screaming on the inside right now.  Completely out of control and confused.

 I woke up today feeling very refreshed (not in a "im awake" sort of way) but just "positive"!  As normal I go to the bathroom and hop on the scale....and to my surprise it said something positive as well!  217.6 new lowest weight since surgery!  That set the mood for my entire day I think.  I listened to music and sang to my son in the car on the way to drop him off at school.  And at work I have been in a pretty good mood as well.  Plus today is my Friday at work so that makes it even better to know that I have a long weekend coming up.
I think that I have been so focused on my weight, and my HORRIBLE relationship with my boyfriend that I forget to think about me, to thank God everyday for ALL my many blessings....partly because I have been so focused on the negative that I haven't even thought about all the blessings that I do have in my life.  I feel like at 31 years old I have to learn to pick my battles.  If "he" really wanted to be with me...he would do just that.  But why should I fight, beg, and try to make a grown man do something that he clearly doesn't want to do??  He is happy with seeing me for 2.5 minutes when I come home from work and then he leaves not to be seen again until 2-3AM the next morning.  I have fought, begged, cried, pleaded....nothing changes.  So what is the point?
College started back up for me yesterday and I found this new really cool Zumba class that I am thinking about doing twice a week.  So I have things to keep me busy...on top of being a full time single mother and working full time.  I am getting to the point where I just don't have the energy to fight with him about anything.  You want to stay out till 3am----FINE.  You want to run with your friends all weekend---FINE.  You want to spend your money on you and only you---FINE.  You are fine with never seeing me or doing anything with me like normal couples do---FINE.  I simply can't allow myself to continue to get stressed out, upset, and make bad choices for myself because of another person!  I deserve better, my son deserves better and with time we will both have better! 

 I love this site.  When I posted my 5 month surgiversary post I was not a very happy camper.  I was feeling like a complete failure.  I think that these feelings are not only coming from my weight loss struggle but also different aspects of my person life.  I am someone who truly strives for things to be as perfect as possible.  And when nothing I try seems to work I get down in the dumps.  I am probably harder on myself than I should be but I feel that sometimes that pressure is needed.
I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my last blog and who replied.  I felt as if I was spiraling out of control.  Losing the battle and that the surgery ultimately had failed.    While I am not ready to say that I have succeeded I am ready to say that I am going to continue trying.  I don't give up on anything else so why should I give up on myself and something that I wanted so bad.  This surgery is not something that should be taken lightly, this is a major process and should never be taken lightly.  I think that we all have been given a great opportunity to do more, achieve better, and reach our goals.  Everyone that replied showed me that.  If complete strangers can have faith in me....I should have faith in myself.

Thank you again for pulling me out of my hole and for all the kind and compassionate words and advise!!!