Yep....this weekend I offically fell off the wagon....it kinda hurt!!!  
After the butt kicking I got from my doctor I totally stepped my game up and was doing everything by the book.  I was back to counting every single calorie, measuring, drinking my water the whole 9 yards.  Last week I went from 216 on Monday to 211 on Saturday....I was on CLOUD 9.  Then the wagon hit a HUGE rock and I fell off.  The food monster came into my head and completely screwed me up.  I don't think that it was that I ate too much just that I was eating the wrong thing.  I had 2 cookies and 1/2 an oatmeal cream pie yesterday....on top of a piece of BBQ rib, baked beans, cooked cabbage, a piece of corn bread.  I drank soda, ate crackers....what the HELL is wrong with me?  Got on the scale this morning and it said 214....I almost cried.  I don't believe that I ate 9000 extra calories to add on the 3 pounds over the last 3 days but something is not right.  Is it possible that I ate that much?  No!  Maybe? Frustrating!!!
So today is a new day and I am back on the wagon....and this time I am sitting in a middle seat....far from the edge.  I planned out my breakfast, snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner.  I only brought the portion size, and I am going to stick to it if it kills me.  Head hurger is no JOKE!  It is real and I deal with it every single day!  I also have to get into a exercise program of some sort.  I keep saying that but I really have to make a plan and stick to it.  No one else is in control of my success but me!  I have to keep telling myself that!!!

 Thank goodness it is Friday.  This has been one of the longest weeks of my entire life.  We got a new puppy....her name is Prada she is my baby!  BUT she has to literally go to the bathroom like every 2 hours.  So I am up and down from the time I get home until the time I come to work the next morning.  And the other "adults" that live in the house seem to think that since they are up all day and take her out that it is my responsibility to be up with her all night.  Which I find to be somewhat interesting because he DOESN'T work!  And he is dealing with her while he is already awake....so I am confused about what the big deal is LOL.
Anyway, its a 3 day weekend.  So tomorrow I have made plans for me and my son (and the dog of course) to go to a town called Palatka, FL to the Blue Crab Festival.  I have never been but it is right on the St. John's River so it should be a lot of fun.  I am going to meet one of my girlfriends and just have a relaxing day.  Sunday I think I might take my son to the park or to this place called Devil's Millhopper.  It is like a HUGE sinkhole that supposedly opens up to waterfalls and other beautiful nature scenes.  Monday I would like to grill out and have a relaxing day at home.  Something simple.


What is everyone else doing this weekend????

So I had surgery on 11-29-2010.  I went back for my 2-3 week follow up and then my insurance got cancelled.  I searched high and low for plans that I might be able to afford on my own....found nothing.  I pushed and pushed my employer....the plans they have are so extremely expensive I literally wouldn't be able to pay the bills and afford insuranace at the same time.  So I kept searching, kept asking around....5 months went by.   Finally my employer agreed to pay for my visit, so I called the surgeon and got the first appontment that I could get.  I was excited to go back, get weighed and get his input.
BOY was I in for a shock.  First I saw the nurse, very nice, very polite.  Then a different doctor came in, he talked to me about my weight loss and introduced himself as my surgeons "right hand man".  He was very nice as well.  Then he came back to the room with my surgeon...we will call him Dr.B.  Dr. B looked at me and said "I can't be your doctor anymore".  I asked why and he said "I am not going to be responsible for someone who is not responsible for themselves".  I was a little in shock, didn't really know what to say.  He said "you can't have surgery like you have a hair cut and then never follow up".  I started to speak and he cut me off.  He said "have you taken your prescription acid reducers?"  And I said no because I don't have a refill...he said "exactly so when you get an ulcer don't come to see me".  He said "have you had b12 shots", I said no, he said "right so you have a deficency now, what do you plan on doing about that?".  I said well I went to see my PCP at one month out and she said, he cut me off again and said "I don't care what she said".  He said "you will get a certified letter from me expressing that I can not be your doctor anymore so I do not know what you are going to do".  By this time I am crying because 1) he won't listen to me and 2) he is making me feel like crap for no reason.  I finally got to tell him that my insurance was cancelled and I had made every attempt to get coverage so I could come back.  He said he didn't care and that "coming to see him was more important then putting food on my table".  He said he doesn't know what I spend my money on but I need to prioritize.  I told him there was no way I could afford office visits, labs, etc...out of pocket.  He said he didn't care.  He said he would see me anyway and try to write the appointment off.  Ok, how was I suppose to know that before that very moment?  What surgeon's do you know will just see a person no payment invovled?  I don't know of any.  I believe that if someone does something for you they should get paid.  I have bad enough credit as it is, I don't want to rack up more bills that I know I can't pay.  He didn't care and wouldn't even listen.  He asked me if I had a Sams Club card.  I told him no, but I could borrow one.  The other doctor that came in first was in the room for all of this.  He got out his wallet and handed me his Sams club card and told me to go get prilosec and Boost that it was cheaper at Sams.  Dr. B looked at me and said "he clearly thinks you are more responsible then I do"....still I was balling my head off.  He said "I will give you one more change, I am going to make you a 3 month appointment, if you don't show up you will get that certified letter".  He said he was going to give me a b12 shot and he left the room.  The other doctor sat in there with me telling me he was sorry and that he knows things are hard.  The nurse came back in she appologized said she could hear him all the way in the hall.
So now I am confused.  Do I find another doctor to handle my follow up care?  Dr. B didn't help me with my current issues, he didn't do labs, nothing.  He yelled at me, made me feel stupid, and sent me on my way. 

 Last night was ROUGH to say the least.  I had a few drinks which brought out the true emotions.  I cried, and cried, and cried some more.  He came home I tried once again to talk to him....he huffed and puffed, acted like I was bothering him.  He did send his ex the message.  He said "please stop texting and facebook messaging me and my lady, there is nothing between me and you anymore".  She replied and said "ok, well why did you give me your number then?"  which I find to be rather funny because he told me that she got his number from one of his cousins.  LOL just more lies.  While I was in the bathroom crying my eyes out....he leaves!  I come out of the bathroom to an empty bedroom and his car is gone.  I call him and he answers and says that he needs to "step out' for a little while.  Ok, so it doesn't matter if I am upset, crying, hurting, sick, etc...he will NOT make me a priority.  He told me that "we hang out from TIME TO TIME" but he likes to go hang out with his boys.  He said that he stays in the house all day, which I told him was not my fault, so when I come home he wants to go out.  Basically he is saying that since he watches my son for me from the time he gets out of school till 6pm that he HAS to spend all day in the house, so when I get home to take over watching my son he has to leave.  He is not my sons father.  So I told him I would just put Alex back in after school care and then he could have all day and all night to run and do his own thing.  I ended up going to bed, he came home later, ate, and went to sleep.  This morning he tried to talk but it was more of that same old madness.  So I looked at him and told him I was moving out.  That I didn't need a 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment for just me and Alex, plus I want to downsize and get something cheaper.  I am going to put Alex in a good daycare for after school and I am going to move on.  I told him that he needed to talk to his mom about things.  And that of course it wouldn't happen overnight but I had enough respect for them both to tell them ahead of time.
Guess what?????  He acted like he didn't even care. Said that his mom couldn't afford the place and that maybe I should just stay there and they would get a one bedroom somewhere.  I told him I had made my mind up I was leaving regardless.
I felt a small weight lifted off my shoulders by just telling him.  So I can only imagine the HUGE weight that will be lifted when I am actually gone.  This stress is consuming my mind, I can't concentrate at work, I am falling behind, drinking, not taking care of myself.  It is too much for any one to have to deal with....it is simply not worth it.

 Id like to start on a positive note.  My employer is paying for me to go see my surgeon tomorrow to hopefully have lab work done and get some questions answered to some issues I have been having!  So I am truly blessed that they care enough to help me out since my insurance was cancelled.
I also have found great relief in writing again.  I use to love to write/type, get my thoughts out on paper.  I use to go through those little journal books like they were going out of style.  I lost all of them in one of my moves and never took up writing again...but I think it is something that I am going to start doing again.  For me there is something relaxing about getting my thoughts out of my head and off of my chest....which is why I have been posting here so much, I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts, I appreciate and find great strength in the replies, and hope that maybe something I say or something someone else says can not only help me but help someone else who might not be ready to speak up and talk about their situation.

I spent my evening in the ER last night with a horrible bladder infection.  My 7 year old son was with me....my so called man was no where to be found....go figure.  So here is our normal routine---I get home around 6pm, he is usually not there, he usually leaves my son there with his mom and leaves before I get home....yes his mother lives with us too.  We moved out on our own in February, he moved her back in with us about 3 weeks later.  He does NOT work, but he does watch my son after school so I can work....well saying that he watches him is not completely accurate.  He is "there" so that Alex (my son) is not home alone.  They don't really interact, or talk even.  Then when his mom gets home he leaves Alex there with her which is fine with me....she is much more friendly when it comes to Alex then he is.  So I get home around 6pm, clean up, and start cooking dinner.  He comes home around 8-9pm eats dinner (he expects a meal every night) and then leaves again usually between 9:30-10pm...coming back home between midnight and 1am.  He comes in making all kinds of noise, wakes me up EVERY night.  And then sits in the living room till 2-3am watching TV before coming to bed.  So in a typical day I see him for maybe an hour sometimes 2.  But literally we sit in different rooms.  If I am in the living room he goes to the bedroom and vice versa.  Which I find to be strange.  Most relationships consist of general coversation right?  "How was your day" "How was work" "What are you doing tomorrow" simple conversation....not here.  I get up at 6am every morning (except weekend) make sure my son is up, take him to school, then I come to work.  My job is pretty demanding and detail is super important so times like today when I can't concentrate on anything is very counterproductive.
There are no good bye hugs or kisses, no embraces throughout the night, no hand holding, no cuddling, no passion, no romance.  I cook, clean, take out the trash, pull hair out of the drain, do dishes, clean up cigarette butts and ashes (even though I don't smoke), I handle all the laundry, and other chores around the house every single day.
The house that we have is rented 3 bedroom 2 baths.  This morning I got up and decided that I want a small one bedroom apartment.  I want something inexpensive and easy to maintain.  I am tired of working my butt off and having nothing to show for it.  I am tired of paying bills for others to sit home all day and watch TV, or others eating up every piece of food that I bring into the house.  And I am tired of having a man yet feeling COMPLETELY alone!  It is the strangest feeling to have 2 other adults in the house with you yet you feel like you are on a deserted island somewhere.  Have you ever felt that way?  I literally can't have an intelligent conversation with him.  He doesn't see things the way that I see things, which is so strange.  My main goal right now is to NOT fall back into that trap of trying to talk him into changing.  I am trying my hardest to accept that this is the way it is.  If he wanted to make  his ex stop calling/texting him he would make her stop.  And the fact that not only does he disrespect me but he allows her to disrespect me is too much for me to even comprehend.  He is going to do exactly what he wants to do.  So the only thing I can do is GET OVER IT!  It hurts, and right now I am typing looking at my phone wanting to text or call him....but I just can't!  Why should I?  One of my favorite quotes "don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you"....and he is NOT calling or texting me.  So I am trying to go with the "you do you" mentalitiy.....Ill let you know how it goes