kwinkleman

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 I for one find writing/blogging very comforting.  It is helpful to me to not only get my thoughts out but also to get feedback (good and bad) from others.  I posted about my current job situation with a no so nice co-worker and I received a reply stating that -this site is suppose to be about weight loss and my post had nothing to do with that.  So I question???? Is that all we should talk about?  Doesn't having the surgery change your ENTIRE life and everything in it?  Doesn't different stresses push you to possibly fall back on old habits?  Are we trying to build friendships and support groups here for weight loss only or for life long support?  Do I wake up tomorrow and completely forget that I had RNY and move on with life like I did before?  Weight loss is important but I thought that this site was about lifting each other up in a positive manner, I thought it was about being there for other individuals who have had the same or similar procedures and being there for them no matter what they wanted to discuss?  This is suppose to be a "safe haven" somewhere that you know your story/experience will be not only understood but respected.  We didn't get overweight by simply sitting around eating.  There had to be triggers that caused most of us to get to the point we was at to have the surgery in the first place.  I for one was an emotional eater.  If I was happy, sad, depressed, bored, etc...food was always there.  That is how I got to be 301 pounds and on the surgery table.  Some people may have had other medical issues that added the extra pounds that led them to having WLS.  So to think that this is only about "weight loss" is bothersome.
For me obesityhelp.com is about friendship, support, and being healthy.  From reading shared recepies, to getting encouragement on workouts, to being able to help someone in need during an emotional crsis.  For me (and maybe I am wrong) it is about so much more than simply losing weight.  Its about gaining confidence, building a positive self image, and feeling better about myself.  Seeing a smaller number on the scale is GREAT too!!!  LOL

So my WEIGHT LOSS related topic of the day is that I did NOT make it to ONEderland by July 1st....unless that is I lose 5 pounds magically overnight!  Which would be AMAZING LOL.  I am ok with it though, I woke up this morning and weighed 204.6 which is 97 pounds gone...which is a true blessing.  And I WILL get to ONEderland!!!!  SOON!!!!  

 First it was issues with my BF, then a stall in weight loss, NOW there is a male co-worker who is intentionally trying to get me into trouble in any way he possibly can.  He lies on me, lies to clients, send evil notes to the 2 attorneys in the office saying I was rude to clients, or that I was uncompassionate to their needs (I deal with all wrongful death families).  This of course couldn't be the farthest from the truth.  I take out more time then I should just to listen and be there for the families.  I give them my personal cell phone number just so I can be in constant contact if they need me.  I put off my other work duties just so I can be there for them if they need to talk, vent, cry, scream, etc.  So for him to say these terrible things is not only offensive but has gotten to the point where I simply can't deal with it.
I know that I am good at my job and I do not doubt my abilities at all.  But when my boss has this other co-worker in his ear all day every day saying that I am no good my boss just might eventually believe it!  This is starting to stress me out to the point that I am ready to find another job.  This same co-worker called me last week cussing at me over the phone.  I immediately went to my boss and let her know what happened.  She stated that she was aware of the issue and it would be taken care of.  But then yesterday he does the same thing except this time it was in email form not verbally.  So clearly the issue has not been taken care of.  It is too much to deal with at this point in my life.  Aren't we suppose to enjoy our jobs at least a little bit?  This man makes it impossible for me to not only enjoy my job but now I feel like I have to defend myself on every move I make.

I have started applying for other jobs, but I am never going to find anything in the city I live making what I make now.  So do I get 2 jobs, spend even less time with my son because I will have to work more hours to just make ends meet?  What do I do?

 7 whole months!!!!!  WOW time sure does fly by.  I say this all the time but I remember when I got the call from the scheduler (after stalking her for a week) that I had been approved and got a surgery date.  I remember all the emotions-happy, excited, scared, anxious.  I remember my BFF driving me to the hosptial and me asking her to just take me back home.  I remember the tears of joy and fear as they rolled me down the hall way.  I remember waking up thinking that I had made the worst mistake of my life.  I remember my hospital room, I remember my visitors, I remember the pain LOL, I remember stepping on the scale for the first time and being in complete shock.  I remember losing a pound a day (I miss those days).  I remember soup, soup, soup and more soup.  Sip, sip sip, walk, walk, walk.  I remember the first time I could lay down in my bed (like 2 weeks after surgery) LOL.  I remember it all just like it was yesterday.  
As of today I am officially down 95 pounds!  26 more to go to my original goal of 180 and 7 to get to ONEderland....which is my main goal at this moment.  I am hoping to break a few bad habits and get the weight loss started back up again this week.  Or at least that is the plan.  Protein, water, more protein.  LOL

And workout.  I say that a lot too and have yet to begin.  I downloaded the Couch to 5K program for the iPhone.  Has anyone tried it?  Did it work??

I have found 2 words that are the root of all evil-----HEAD HUNGER!!!!!!!!!!!    How do you control it, where does it come from, why is it so darn persistant, and why does it never go away?  Before surgery I was on a prescription weight loss medication and I never felt or better yet thought that I was hungry.  After surgery the head hunger literally starts around the time I wake up in the morning and usually ends when I finally fall asleep.  It is one of the most annoying things I have ever had to deal with in my entire life.   It is 9:17am and my head is telling me that it is hungry, so I will have my cheese for breakfast.  Around 10am just like clockwork my head will think that it is hungry again....this will continue until 1pm when I eat lunch.  At 3pm again just like clockwork that evil spirit will again rear its ugly head and I will have my cottage cheese snack....by the time I get home from work around 6:30pm....you guessed it--my head will think it is hungry again.  I have tried drinking water, having more frequent snacks, nothing really seems to make that HEAD HUNGER go away.  It clearly is the root of all evil.  LOL

 Oh how I wish I could simply toss it in the trash and never have to worry about it again.  My obsession with the scale is one that has a few great moments and even more not so great moments.  Lately it has been one of happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad pattern.  Today is the 15th, and I have set this completely UNREALISTIC goal of making it to onderland by the end of June....maybe I should change that to the end of July!  I am at 209.4 today, was at 208.4 yesterday so this up and down battle is proving to me that I may have been a little too impatient by setting a goal of the end of June.  I like a challange but I also like to win.  LOL
I drank a TON of water yesterday 50 fl.oz. so maybe I am retaining a little water today.  I also snuck and ate a cookie (only 140 calories)
I was still under 1000 calories but clearly the scale wasn't happy because it didn't go DOWN!!!!  So today is a new day a fresh start and I am going to stick to my meal plan, eat what I know I am suppose to be eating and go from there.  Tomorrow morning the darn thing better say something good or its gonna be ON!!!!!   LOL  

 Another pound that is!!   10 pounds to go to my 1st goal which is making it to ONEDERLAND!!!  I have a plan.  And I have 18 days (including today) to pull off these 10 pounds.....is it possible???  I sure do hope so.  I have started back to tracking my food again, I am going to be drinking water like there is no tomorrow, and eating my protein first.  Hopefully that will give me the humph I need to get these 10 pounds off by June 30th.  I have said this 1000000000 times but I really am going to put forth an effort this time to actually go to Zumba class.  I live in Florida and by the time I get off work it is SO HOT outside that taking a walk or anything outside is just miserable.  So I think the evening (indoor) Zumba class would be perfect.  I am a little hesitant because I will be going alone....and I usually don't do anything alone but maybe this is exactly what I need to break out of my "shy" shell.  I mean from the photos on the website it is mostly women and the instructor seems to be very friendly, so I don't think it will be too bad I am just worried that I will not be able to keep up and will look like a fool!  LOL.  But reaching this goal is something I want SO BAD that I am willing to look like a fool if it works!  
As far as life on the home front....things are still the same HORRIBLE!  I swallowed my pride this weekend and decided to stop the fighting and arguing as he had his two kids at the house (13 and 11).  Saturday I grilled out while they sat in the house playing video games.  I made food for 7 people by myself and didn't complain once.  I made them all plates (grown folks too), made side dishes, brought them drinks, the whole 9 yards.  Then when they was done cleaned up after each and every one of them.  Still without complaining.  Later around 8pm he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.  So I went, we went to Olive Garden...not a good choice by the way....pasta is so filling!!!  But we talked and for the first time in a long time I actually thought he was listening LMAO boy was I wrong.  Around 9:30pm we got back home...me thinking he was going to come in maybe watch some TV or a movie....yeah right.  He dropped me off and left till 1:30am.  He went to sleep, got up Sunday morning around 10am, jumped up put his clothes on grabbed his two phones and ran out the door.  I get up wondering what the heck is going on and step outside.  He is across the street talking on the phone, he sees me and gets that deer in headlights look, puts the phone to his side and says "what you need"?  I literally laughed and went back inside.  The rest of the day was nothing put smart remarks and ignoring each other until last night.  I went to the grocery store and bought pork steak, tender mock steak (something like roast) and chicken to cook for them the rest of the week.  We already had t-bones in the freezer.  He gets up to inspect what I had bought and went BANANAS because I bought pork STEAK and tender mock STEAK because there was already t-bone STEAK in the freezer.  Now I know that each of these STEAKS are very different, totally different taste and I planned to prepare them in totally different ways.  But I guess he didn't realize that because he totally lost it because I bought more STEAK.  I mean come on now...arguing over steak.  This is simply crazy.  He said I should have bought more chicken.  Yet he doesn't want to eat the same thing every night.  So I thought I was switching it up a little bit.  Boy was I wrong.  So needless to say nothing has changed, the conversation I had with  him went in one ear and out the other and we are still in the exact same place we was before which is NOWHERE!!!!!

 I seem to be having a lot of these "setbacks" lately.  I am finding that I have a much harder time sticking to portion size and eating the correct foods when I am at home on the weekends.  I do great at work...probably because I don't have the fridge in the next room calling my name.  This weekend wasn't that bad...but it wasn't that good either.  I had salads (which are healthy right??) but with regular full fat ranch and not with just the 2 tablespoon serving size.  I always loved a little lettuce with my salad dressing not the other way around.  I made french fries (shoot me) and ate a small bowl of those, popcorn (with butter), I did eat some healthier things like eggs, cheese, shrimp, but the scale once again has went from 208 the middle of last week to 213 today....so once again I will be struggling all week to get back to the weight I was last week.  ON TOP of that this weekend totally sucked!!!  I found out that BF has a 2nd cell phone, like the brand new iPhone 4 that I got him a few months ago wasn't good enough....he TOLD me that he thought I was ready to turn his phone off so he went and bought a prepaid phone.  Ok, no problem because I am going to turn his phone off.  Then his mom comes in and tells me that she bought the phone for him a few months ago....so he has been hiding this 2nd phone from me for months.  You would think as his "girlfriend' that I would have been the first person to have that phone number.  I would have been the first person to know about this 2nd phone.  I think that the respectable thing to have done would have been to tell me...."hey my mom bought me this phone because we was arguing, here is the number and here is your iPhone back" or "hey my mom bought me this phone when we was arguing but now that things have calmed down I am going to give it back to her"(2 months ago).  I simply think that it is really shady that he kept this a secret from me.  Honestly it was just another reality check slap in the face.  But for some reason this one really hurt.  I think I have been trying to stay so strong, not cry, not really show much emotion....this killed me.  I went "psycho chick" which is not even in my nature, I left my own  house and took my son and the dog and we went and stayed in a hotel on Friday night.  Saturday morning I got up and went to look at a condo....which was AMAZING by the way, right by the pool, 2 bedrooms, tile flooring!!  Then I went home because I honestly didn't have anywhere else to go.  That is when his mom comes to me and says "I just wanted to let you know I am moving next week".  GREAT right!!!!  Not so much because she also told me that since she is moving on such short notice that she can't pay the bills that she had already agreed to pay.  So guess what????  I won't be able to move now.  The guy with the condo wants to rent it out ASAP and I live in a college town so he could have it rented right now if he wanted to.  He said that he would work with me but wants the deposit to hold the place until my August 1st move in date.  Well I can't pay bills at 2 locations so I have decided to just stay at the house I have now until my lease is up.  Then maybe I can find something else, get back my full deposit and finally be able to move on.  It seems as if no matter what I do I always get sucked right back into the BS.  Always.  Frustrating.  But I am not going to give up, maybe I will find another place between now and August 1st that will be a perfect fit!  Gotta try and stay positive right!!!