Why do I do this to myself?

Jul 27, 2011

 Why is it that every single day I pack a healthy lunch and then eat till I am completely MISERABLE??!!??!!  For me the only "full" sign that I get is pain and a feeling that I am going to be extremely sick.  I then get the bloating and all the pain and misery that goes along with it.  This doesn't happen just once a week, this is just about everyday.  I portion out my food and on some days my pouch will hold more that other days and it also depends on the amount of food, but it still seems like every single day I take a bite or two MORE then I should which leaves me feeling extremely full, it is hard to breath, I am lethargic, stuffed.  This is probably some of the same issues that I had pre-op, knowing when enough is enough.  The issue now is I am so scared that I am going to stretch my pouch or "break" the tool that I have been given.  It is really a crazy feeling to think that you are sabotaging yourself.  Which is clearly the last thing that I want to do but seems to be the first thing I am doing to myself.

And the bloating....where does that come from?  And what is that doing to my pouch?  It is such a crazy feeling, I come to work flat stomach, around 2:30pm every day I look 6 months pregnant...it makes no sense.  Sometimes it is so bad that I end up going home early.  The other day I felt like I couldn't breath and I had pains in my back.  I went home took a double dose of chewable gas-x and was fine in about 40 mins.  I am not eating bread, rice, or pasta...or potato's.  I stick with proteins like today I had boiled chicken with a little BBQ sauce.  Or I will have shrimp cocktail, or a salad with some type of protein.  Frustrating.

32 comments

ONEderland

Jul 25, 2011

 It took much longer than I wanted LOL but as of this morning....per the scale....I finally made it to ONEderland....199.6!!!  Tomorrow it will probably say something crazy like 204.....but I guess that is the name of the game....Up and Down and Up and Down.  I literally was in tears when I saw the number though.  I think ONEderland feels better then the 100 pound mark did....or maybe it is just with the up and down so much I really didn't expect to see anything starting with the number 1.  The journey continues.  I guess the journey always continues with just minor speed bumps and a few detours....but we keep moving.
12 comments

WTH (what the heck)

Jul 19, 2011

I simply do NOT understand.  So....as of July 9th I was down 100 pounds.  It is a good thing I took a picture of those wonderful numbers on the scale because that is the very last time that I saw them.  Today....204.4 (from 201).  I would totally understand if it was for a day or so....even a week and then went back down....but today is the 20th and I still have not seen 201 or less since.  So I have determined that this gain is for real!!!!  So WTH is going on?  I have been taking water pills for the past 3-4 days...the weight still isn't coming off. It takes 3500 calories to gain a pound....that means somehow I ate 10500 calories more than normal to put on these 3 pounds.  Totally unacceptable.  I have been watching my diet, taking my vitamins, drinking a TON of water, yet the weight is still there.  Maybe I am stressing and worrying about it too much?!  Today will be Week 1 Day 2 of my Couch to 5K program.  So maybe I just need to focus on my exercise, contiuning to eat right and hopefully the weight will come off and I can not only reach my goal but make it to ONEderland....eventually.

On another NON weight loss related note I have been a little stressed about my education (which could also be keeping the weight on I guess).  I am taking courses online to get my paralegal associates degree....the only issue is that I already have an associates degree....so why get a second.  So I found a University online that offers BA degrees in paralegal or legal studies so I have decided to transfer there.  This is stressful because anytime you transfer there are possibilities for issues with financial aid which would be completely terrible as that is how I plan on funding my education.  I have decided that it is time to make better choices and getting my BA and maybe even moving forward to go to law school or get my masters in legal studies is really what I want to do.  I have done some research and the possibilities for job opportunities are wide with this degree so I am hopeful that once I graduate I will be able to find a really great job that I love and can be successful.  I want to teach my son that while things are never handed to you, you can make things happen for yourself.  Losing weight, graduating college, these are all positive things that I want to show him.  Getting away from a bad relationship is the next thing I want to tackle LOL....its an ongoing process!  But I am hopeful for the future and everything that comes with it!  (especially if this darn weight would come off LOL)
5 comments

Couch to 5K

Jul 19, 2011

 Yesterday I started my Couch to 5K program.  I did day one of week one yesterday evening.  It was ROUGH to say the least but I made it through the entire 30 minute program.  I down loaded this really cool app for the iPhone.  It was $1.99 and it lets you add your own music to the workout.  It alerts you when your 5 min warm up is over and then you run/jog 60 seconds.  It then alerts you to walk for 90 seconds and it goes back and forth until the workout is complete.  I really like that I could just stick my phone in my pocket and wait for the beep and alert that it was time to walk or time to run.  Made the 30 minutes go by quicker.  I would recommed it to anyone that has thought about starting this program.


5 comments

Enjoy the Ride (for Lisa)

Jul 15, 2011

Don't sweat it, take it easy, ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!!  The quote below is from my BFF Lisa....who had surgery 4 weeks before me and is doing AMAZING!!!!!  She is such an inspiration to me each and everyday.  I literally sit on here and stress her out about my different "struggles" for the day...how many calories have I ate, how many more can I eat, why do I feel head hunger, why have you lost more than me, WTH is wrong with my scale,  and the list goes on LOL.
 But she listens...and replies with that much needed tough love.  

Her success and motivation is such a power inspiration and motivation to me as well....as I sit here completely stuffed and miserable from lunch I realize that I have to get back on track....back on whatever track she is on because she is ROCKING OUT!!!   

I feel like I make a plan so often and then don't stick to it.  But honestly I have to remember why I chose this path to begin with.  Why did I have this surgery, what were the rules right after surgery, and how did I make it this far....clearly not by over eating at lunch on Mexican food (yummy mexican food).  It was by portion control, drinking lots of water, and protein first and foremost.  It isn't like I don't know these things, I have just kinda put them all aside and have been focused on "other" things.  As Lisa said "get back to basics".  That is what I have to do NOW.

 "remember...the end of this race we call life is called death. don't rush it. enjoy the little stuff along the way"  SKINNY LISA
1 comment

Pursuit of Happiness

Jul 13, 2011

There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.
--David Burns, Intimate Connections
There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying things which are beyond the power of our will. 
--Epictetus

I always think back to the move The Pursuit of Happiness....Will Smith made a very valid point....why do they say we can only pursue happiness?  Is it even obtainable, or is pursuing it all we can ever do?  What is true happiness?  Does it stay around very long?  And how is it related to weight loss?  If I get to goal will I be happy or will I want to lose more?  Will I want plastic surgery?  Will I want to tone up?  Will I like the way that I look when I get to goal?  Will the struggle be worth it?  Questions, questions, questions.  I think I will be happy when I get to my original goal of 180...but I also think that I will want to lose more, tone up, and have plastics.  What about happiness in our surroundings?  Our everyday life?  Our job?  Should we be happy at our place of employment?  Should we enjoy at least some aspect of our job?  Or do we simply go, and work through the days waiting for payday?  
Gaining confidence has made me question just about everything in my life.  Am I happy at my job?  Do I really want to be in the legal field?  Am I going to school for the wrong thing?  Do I want to be in a relationship or would I rather spend sometime alone just me and my son?  How do I get over and move on from a bad relationship....or am I even ready to move on?  It is so funny how weight loss/gain has so much control over every other part of our lives.  Losing weight has made me want to go out and be more active, do outdoor activities, go out on the water, go swimming, go to the springs, waterparks, amuzement parks, the whole 9 yards.  I truly want to enjoy every aspect of life....but to do that we have to let go of the things that are keeping us from being happy.  Be it a person, a situation, a group of people, etc... but how do we do that?  Where does that inner strength come from?  I remember almost cancelling my surgery because I found out my BF couldn't be there for me....but I didn't.  I pushed on.  I had surgery anyway...where did THAT strength come from?  How did I do it, because I was scared to death?!?!  How is it that I can do that but continue to stay in a bad relationship?  These things make no sense.  The day I was released from the hospital I had to hunt for a ride home LOL, I kept my son out of school for a week because there simply was no one else around to help me.  So if at a time such as that I can make it (with just me and my son) then why do I feel so dependent on others in my everyday life?  What is wrong with being alone?  And since I do have a child....I won't really ever be alone right?  
Clearly I am full of questions today, and I am not really looking for an answer just releasing my thoughts.

 
8 comments

The scale is evil!!

Jul 11, 2011

The scale is once again not my friend.  I don't understand why it has to play with my emotions so much.  And I know I should only weigh once a week...if that, but I am completely addicted to getting up every morning and rushing to see what the scale will say  today.  WELL today it must have been in a bad mood because it said something ridiculious!  LOL  I have to laugh at it because in my heart I know that it is just bloating and water weight but my head wants to be a little upset about it.   And to be completely honest if I think about it....I have ate a few things that I should have the last day or two (or three).  I was suppose to be back on track yesterday....then someone brings in a full catered lunch of BBQ.  They had EVERYTHING, and it filled the entire office with this yummy smell of sweet BBQ...torture.  But today the food is out of the office so maybe I can focus on my planned meal and nothing else.  I also really have to work on getting either to a gym or a zumba class or something.  Clearly the weight is not going to continue to just fall off like it did before. I have my inspiration but when it comes to motivation to hit the gym....I am really lacking.    I bought the Couch to 5K program for my phone....haven't tried it.  I found a Zumba class for only $8 a class....haven't tried it, as far as exercise goes I really haven't tried anything....which is sad.  To want something so bad but not put in the time and effort to make it happen is depressing.  I count calories of course but is that enough?  Is that going to work when I am a year out?  I want to succeed at this so bad I can taste it!  With that said I guess I know exactly what I need to do.....MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!! 
8 comments

Inspiration/Motivation

Jul 10, 2011

"Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake..."

~ Marie Beyon Ray ~

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."

~ Norman Vincent Peale ~

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

~ St. Francis of Assisi ~

What motivates you?  What makes you want to get up everyday and go through the motions of going to work/school, eating right, counting those calories, getting on that treadmill?  What is your inspiration?  What keeps you from just giving up and falling back to old habits?  This is a very important subject to me because I find that I get "off track" probably a little easier than others.  I am very easily tempted to do things that might not be the best where food is concerned.  So this weekend when I found myself sitting at the bowling alley with a rather large plate of loaded french fries in front of me I started thinking about this subject again.  I wish I could say that I didn't have one yummy cheese and bacon covered fry but that would be a lie.  I did have some....and yes I regreted it later.  The bloating, the gas pains, the queezy feeling...it was all there and stuck around for quite some time I might add.  So was it worth it??  In my opinion NO.  But it was a choice that I made anyway.  So what is my motivation?  I realized that this weekend also while sitting at the bowling alley when this bright cheery full of energy little 7 year old came running up to me wanting me to play video games with him.  My son is my inspiration and my motivation.  I have to keep that in mind and on my mind at all times.  He needs me more that my job needs me, more than my BF needs me, he is my #1 priority and to be honest he deserves to have a mother that is not only healthy but also happy.  So today I am of course back on track...no more loaded fries in my future LOL.  I am planning a 100 pounds gone party for myself and my girl friend.  Together we have lost over 207 pounds...that is a PERSON!!!!  

I went shopping this weekend.  One would think that after losing 100 pounds shopping would be fun....NOT!  It was miserable.  Things I really liked were all too small, I have become very self-conscious about my weight, my body, and the way I look in my clothes.  My BF of course wants me to wear something tight, I wanted something totally different from anything I would have ever wore in the past.  But low and behold the next to last store I went in (which I walked past the day before saying "only skinny people shop there") had something perfect.  It is so me, more fitting then normal and with my skinny jeans is going to look great.  And not only that but I will be comfortable in it.  And my son....loved it which made it the perfect outfit!!!
2 comments

One Hundred-Uno Cien-Cento

Jul 06, 2011

Finally reach my 1st goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  100 pounds gone and I feel GREAT!!!   While I know it hasn't been that long...it feels like it has been forever!  LOL But it happened and it couldn't feel better.  I think we all have our own personal reasons for having WLS.  Whether it be for medical reasons, personal reasons, or emotional reasons we all got here one way or another.  Looking back I realize that losing 100 pounds didn't happen overnight.  So what I should have been doing is celebrating the 2 pounds lost, 5 pounds lost, 10 pounds lost, 30 pounds lost....it took each of those benchmarks to get to 100 pounds....without those little victories I never would have lost 100....and if those small victories don't continue I will never lose anymore! 
I remember being the girl that sat alone at lunch, the girl who super sized any and everything.  The girl who ate for all the wrong reasons and ate all the wrong things.  I didn't have any noted medical issues I was just simply overweight and miserable.  It was affecting my emotional well being more than anything.  I has ZERO confidence, and my self-esteem was at a zero as well.  While it is not at 100% yet it is certainly coming up with each pound lost.  It is unbelievable the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect.  I use to buy the fashion magazines and wish that I could look like one of those girls in there....and since I didn't I automatically assumed that I was unattractive, unwanted, and undesirable.  It is funny how losing a few pounds changes your outlook.  I no longer want to be one of those super skinny girls.  I want to be healthy.  I want to feel confident about myself, and my weight.  I don't want to be the "big girl" of the office.  I now look at food in a totally different light, not only for myself but for my son as well.  We are a NO sugar household.  If it has regular sugar in it I better not see it in the house LOL.  We eat veggies...who would have ever guessed that a vegetable would taste good without being smoothed in cheese or ranch?  LOL  I actually count calories...before I never even looked at the back of a label, it really didn't matter what it said because I was going to eat it regardless. But I am  happy to say that has changed!  
Next goal is to be on ONEderland....then hit my overall goal of 180...which I may push back to 170 LOL.  To EVERYONE who reads this I want to say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! without the words of encouragement, support, touch love, and friendship I would have never made it this far.  I hope I can show you at least 1/2 of the support and motivation that you have each shown me!!!
22 comments

Almost Party Time!!!!!!!!!!

Jul 04, 2011

 I made 2 goals for myself when I started this entire journey.  They are 1) to lost 100 pounds, and 2) to make it to ONEderland.  Well I am one pound away from meeting goal #1.   And I honestly can't wait.  I think that we all probably at one point or another feel like we are "failing" or that the surgery isn't going to work for us.  I feel that way on a regular basis so to sit here and think that almost 100 pounds are gone (hopefully forever) is an amazing feeling.  It is surreal, unbelievable.  SO........ PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have a BFF on this site that lives in the same town as me and she has already lost 100 pounds and she has been ever so patiently waiting on me to catch up LOL.  So now it is time for us to celebrate.  I have decided to have a little get-together at a local night club.  It is more upscale, a slightly more mature crowd but they play amazing music and we should be able to dance the night away celebrating our 200+ pound LOSS.  I dedicate a HUGE part of my success to this particular friend and to this site.  If I didn't have her to keep me grounded or this site to allow me to vent I probably would have given up by now....I mean that is what I did before surgery.  When things got rough I would simply go get something to eat.  Food was such an amazing comfort to me.  I use to think that the best feeling in the world was some really good comfort food, the remote, and my blanket.  Eat.....sleep.....wake up.....and do it all over again!  I don't feel that way anymore thanks to the tons of support that I have received from this site.  And I hope in the process that I have helped others, let at least one person know that they are not alone in what they are feeling, and made at least one person feel special!

OK...THAT IS WHERE THE "WEIGHT LOSS PORTION" ENDS!!!
Forgiveness....I know how to forgive others, but how do you forgive yourself?  Is it possible?  Does one MASSIVE mistake define who you are, or is it simply a mistake?  Well this weekend I made on MASSIVE mistake  and I have been literally beating myself up over it ever since.  But today I woke up and I asked God for forgiveness....not sure why I didn't chose to do that before...I think it is because I was too busy rolling around in my guilt and wondering how in the heck I made such a huge mistake.  I embrassed myself and those around me.  But what does that mean really?  I can honestly say that I have thought long and hard about it and I know where I went wrong and I know what has to be done to ensure that it never happens again.  But how do I crawl out from underneath that chair and hold my head up high again?  Is it possible?  For those who have had any type of interaction with me you know that I work hard, am very understanding, have great love for family, and forgive others for the most unforgiveable acts.  But what about those that don't know me....how do I get them to realize that a mistake was made, and that mistake does not define who I am?  Or do I simply have to move on and not worry about what they think?  And what about those closest to me...if they love me they should forgive me right?  Not that I did anything to anyone imparticular....I just made a fool of myself which I am sure in turn embarassed others.  Nothing physical....just a moment of weakness and bad decision making.  Which as you can still see I am still beating myself up over it.  I am just usually so "put together" so "try to make everything perfect".  I hate to think that one stupid mistake could ruin all that.   BUT I always like to put a positive twist on things....or at least try LOL!  I can admit when I am wrong, and I know when I have messed up.  I also know how to fix it AND make sure it never happens again.  And I guess that is positive in itself!
11 comments

About Me
FL
Location
29.0
BMI
RNY
Surgery
11/29/2010
Surgery Date
Oct 01, 2010
Member Since

Friends 247

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