Why is it that every single day I pack a healthy lunch and then eat till I am completely MISERABLE??!!??!!  For me the only "full" sign that I get is pain and a feeling that I am going to be extremely sick.  I then get the bloating and all the pain and misery that goes along with it.  This doesn't happen just once a week, this is just about everyday.  I portion out my food and on some days my pouch will hold more that other days and it also depends on the amount of food, but it still seems like every single day I take a bite or two MORE then I should which leaves me feeling extremely full, it is hard to breath, I am lethargic, stuffed.  This is probably some of the same issues that I had pre-op, knowing when enough is enough.  The issue now is I am so scared that I am going to stretch my pouch or "break" the tool that I have been given.  It is really a crazy feeling to think that you are sabotaging yourself.  Which is clearly the last thing that I want to do but seems to be the first thing I am doing to myself.

And the bloating....where does that come from?  And what is that doing to my pouch?  It is such a crazy feeling, I come to work flat stomach, around 2:30pm every day I look 6 months pregnant...it makes no sense.  Sometimes it is so bad that I end up going home early.  The other day I felt like I couldn't breath and I had pains in my back.  I went home took a double dose of chewable gas-x and was fine in about 40 mins.  I am not eating bread, rice, or pasta...or potato's.  I stick with proteins like today I had boiled chicken with a little BBQ sauce.  Or I will have shrimp cocktail, or a salad with some type of protein.  Frustrating.

I simply do NOT understand.  So....as of July 9th I was down 100 pounds.  It is a good thing I took a picture of those wonderful numbers on the scale because that is the very last time that I saw them.  Today....204.4 (from 201).  I would totally understand if it was for a day or so....even a week and then went back down....but today is the 20th and I still have not seen 201 or less since.  So I have determined that this gain is for real!!!!  So WTH is going on?  I have been taking water pills for the past 3-4 days...the weight still isn't coming off. It takes 3500 calories to gain a pound....that means somehow I ate 10500 calories more than normal to put on these 3 pounds.  Totally unacceptable.  I have been watching my diet, taking my vitamins, drinking a TON of water, yet the weight is still there.  Maybe I am stressing and worrying about it too much?!  Today will be Week 1 Day 2 of my Couch to 5K program.  So maybe I just need to focus on my exercise, contiuning to eat right and hopefully the weight will come off and I can not only reach my goal but make it to ONEderland....eventually.

On another NON weight loss related note I have been a little stressed about my education (which could also be keeping the weight on I guess).  I am taking courses online to get my paralegal associates degree....the only issue is that I already have an associates degree....so why get a second.  So I found a University online that offers BA degrees in paralegal or legal studies so I have decided to transfer there.  This is stressful because anytime you transfer there are possibilities for issues with financial aid which would be completely terrible as that is how I plan on funding my education.  I have decided that it is time to make better choices and getting my BA and maybe even moving forward to go to law school or get my masters in legal studies is really what I want to do.  I have done some research and the possibilities for job opportunities are wide with this degree so I am hopeful that once I graduate I will be able to find a really great job that I love and can be successful.  I want to teach my son that while things are never handed to you, you can make things happen for yourself.  Losing weight, graduating college, these are all positive things that I want to show him.  Getting away from a bad relationship is the next thing I want to tackle LOL....its an ongoing process!  But I am hopeful for the future and everything that comes with it!  (especially if this darn weight would come off LOL)

 Yesterday I started my Couch to 5K program.  I did day one of week one yesterday evening.  It was ROUGH to say the least but I made it through the entire 30 minute program.  I down loaded this really cool app for the iPhone.  It was $1.99 and it lets you add your own music to the workout.  It alerts you when your 5 min warm up is over and then you run/jog 60 seconds.  It then alerts you to walk for 90 seconds and it goes back and forth until the workout is complete.  I really like that I could just stick my phone in my pocket and wait for the beep and alert that it was time to walk or time to run.  Made the 30 minutes go by quicker.  I would recommed it to anyone that has thought about starting this program.

Don't sweat it, take it easy, ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!!  The quote below is from my BFF Lisa....who had surgery 4 weeks before me and is doing AMAZING!!!!!  She is such an inspiration to me each and everyday.  I literally sit on here and stress her out about my different "struggles" for the day...how many calories have I ate, how many more can I eat, why do I feel head hunger, why have you lost more than me, WTH is wrong with my scale,  and the list goes on LOL.
 But she listens...and replies with that much needed tough love.  

Her success and motivation is such a power inspiration and motivation to me as well....as I sit here completely stuffed and miserable from lunch I realize that I have to get back on track....back on whatever track she is on because she is ROCKING OUT!!!   

I feel like I make a plan so often and then don't stick to it.  But honestly I have to remember why I chose this path to begin with.  Why did I have this surgery, what were the rules right after surgery, and how did I make it this far....clearly not by over eating at lunch on Mexican food (yummy mexican food).  It was by portion control, drinking lots of water, and protein first and foremost.  It isn't like I don't know these things, I have just kinda put them all aside and have been focused on "other" things.  As Lisa said "get back to basics".  That is what I have to do NOW.

 "remember...the end of this race we call life is called death. don't rush it. enjoy the little stuff along the way"  SKINNY LISA