Harsh reality, No motivation... on February 20, 2011 5:18 am
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February 20, 2011
Well its been the just of about 3 years now since I've been back here on OH. Whats been going on in my life?
I've gone through a few deaths in my family, the devorce of my parents, change in scenery, I've been getting back into being a musician and a poet, which I perform often on stage multiple times a week, I've had a job change where I'm sitting on my butt most of my time, I'm suppose to be moving to Japan in less than 5 months and lastly, I stopped caring about myself...again.
So in the past year I've gained nearly 60lbs back. I first began at 463lb when I had surgery, got down to 348lb before I started running a muck around with new friends and going through all the things I was put through. Well, I stopped going to the gym because my social life seemed much more important, food became another one of my coping skills and comforts yet again because I was "going through some things".
Just yesterday, I was invited out with a group of people I werent all too familiar with but they seemed cool. I found myself kind of "tagging" along and standing on the out skirts of conversations, having conversation in my head. I was HATING myself. Look at me! Again! I am a slob. We are at the park, its such a beautiful day, everyones playing ball...but me. I am posted back on the bench with my blind dog watching the festivities. People are laughing and enjoying conversation and I'm having conversation with myself in my hed about how much I'm hating this and hating myself. ugh!
Now, where do I began? What can I do? I know I ultimately know the answers to this, but its the physical just of getting back on track. I need a friend. Not just a friend because I have a million of them. I NEED another bariatric friend. Someone I can relate to. I get upset when people who remembered me having surgery ask me that doubtful, "uhhh, didn't you have that fat surgery?" like as if they're like.. LIKE WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPENED... YOUR STILL FAT!!!
Whatever, your not making it any easier.
I kind of remember when I was going through all of this in the first place, I had fears of losing all the weight, I had fears of becoming attractive, social, questioned, talked about. Guess what? It got the best of me, now I'm back where I started. In my own comfort of being a hermit. Retracting myself from being social. And yesterday was a HUGE reminder of why I stayed out of the limelight, away from people, away from public in THE DAY TIME, because it heavily reminded me how FAT(but really I'm refering to how UNFIT) and out of place I am.
So I guess I'm starting on my "AA" self awareness and 6 step program.
-Denial and Isolation
BUT, my 6 steps are:
-Have correct mind set
-Continuous positive state of mind
-Retaining help when needed
-Working on my fears
AND HOPEFULLY REACHING MY GOAL!
So, overall. I'm fat, I know this. I'm back, thats great. Can I become accomplished, I'm hoping.
Now what to do. I should probably stop letting my fingers do all the talking and let my legs do some walking...
Come Back!? on February 15, 2009 9:58 am
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First of all I have to apologize heavily for disappearing on you all and not coming back to give you all an up date progress of how I'm doing.
Secondly, I am doing well. I am 14 weeks out of surgery, I'm still getting use to slowing myself down and learning how to make good choices and healthy activities in my life. My friends and family were all very supportive and all do pretty well with even reminding me of what I'm doing and how I'm doing. I'm glad still though that I'm not overwhelmed and bombarded with tons of questions and the on and on comradely of talking about my surgery. People just sort of let me be.
So lets start with a few stats... hmm. well weight before surgery at my heaviest was 463.7 lbs.. wheew, man thought I'd never would see myself get that close to 500lbs. Now, 14 weeks from surgery and surprisingly under weight from what I weighed when I graduated H.S. in 2004 (((( 378.3lbs ))))
I thought it would be forever for me to start off my weight with the number 3. But its not the number that counts most of all. Its how I feel and how much I've changed in such a short time. I feel more confident that and realistically can believe that soon and one day I will be saying 2 and perhaps even 1 at the start of my weight and perhaps one day achieve my full on complete weight loss and goals.
So for all who have been looking for me and wanting to know how I've been. IM HERE!! I'm alive and I'm living it... as a LOSER and a happy one at that.
First Follow Up Results on November 3, 2008 10:18 pm
Hello all you beautiful people.
I have some good news. Nov. 3, my first follow up following surgery and I couldn't had been any happier.
During my first 10 days out from surgery, I've basically been sitting around in my house gowns and just lounging around lazily, well mostly because thats all I can do and all my mother will allow me to. lol.
I was seriously not expecting me to lose weight, well I knew I'd lose, but I was looking at about maybe a 10lb loss my first weigh in. So, it was nearly time for me to get dressed and head off to the docs and I put on a pair of my spandex pants that I use to work out in and a shirt. At first I couldn't tell, but my mother walked in my room as I was putting on my shirt and as I pulled it down, it actually went farther down on my hips than it normally hung, I looked right into the mirror and I could see a HUGE difference. I couldn't believe it. My mom stood at my door and cried with me. She couldn't had been more happier for me than even me.
I weighed in at my docs office at 421.5 that is a 25.4lbs weight loss in 10 days.
My mother had the surgery 3 years ago and she was really big, so she has a lot of hanging skin and its been causing her some problems. I feel really bad for my mother though because she just got a letter back from her insurance denying her plastic surgery. I almost and nearly feel selfish in a way? Only because I know even though I weigh more than 400lbs I have a pretty tight and put together body and I'm young and I'll most likely go back together better than she did and I sort of feel like her tears were of MOSTLY joy for me and sorrow for her.
I don't know how to describe it but it saddens me. I have had a hard life the last 7 years being in and out of the hospital and my mother has been my ROCK and has bent over backwards for me for everything. I just feel like sorry that theres nothing that I can do. What can I do? Who can I confide with to find her some way to have plastic done. Its not fare...
I would take back having my WLS if I could have her plastic surgery done.
=0( So overall today has been a happy sad moment for me and I'm just emotionally all over the place.
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! on October 29, 2008 9:14 am
Hey all of you wonderful people who have been keeping up with me.
I'd like to let you all know that I have had my surgery on Oct. 23rd and had a full and speedy recovery. My surgeon is a wonderful man, very kind, very sweet, understanding, concerned and hopeful.... =0)
I just want you to all know I went home two days later and am doing well, I have minimal bruising, little pain and moving around quite well.
My liquid and protein shake intake is fantastic accourding to the size of my pouch and I have hopes that I'll be doing quite well.
I want to put forth special Thanks to MOM, she is the most beautiful women out there and is so hopeful and helpful with helping me.
I don't think I could have asked for a more better person in my life. She already has so much on her plate and yet she selflessly does everything for me.
I LOVE YOU MOM!!
I'll keep you all informed as time goes on.
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One Week from TODAY!! on October 16, 2008 8:04 am
I'm sure about now you can just about hear the excitement ooozing from me =0)
If so, I very well have a reason to be. One week from today, Oct. 23rd is my surgery day. I will be going under the knife of Paul Carter, M.D. and I couldn't ask for a better surgeon. He is remarkably sweet and very kind, but most of all a very concerned person and always watching out for your wellbeing. I'm also very aquainted with him because three years from Nov. 3rd, he did bypass surgery on my mother.
I have so much to talk about my journey to get to where I am at today, so come sometime next week before My surgery date I will be video blogging my progression on YOUTUBE. If you want to follow along and subscribe to me, just follow my link. See you all there --- on the other side. =0)
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