February 20, 2011


Well its been the just of about 3 years now since I've been back here on OH.  Whats been going on in my life?

I've gone through a few deaths in my family, the devorce of my parents, change in scenery, I've been getting back into being a musician and a poet, which I perform often on stage multiple times a week, I've had a job change where I'm sitting on my butt most of my time, I'm suppose to be moving to Japan in less than 5 months and lastly, I stopped caring about myself...again.  

So in the past year I've gained nearly 60lbs back.  I first began at 463lb when I had surgery, got down to 348lb before I started running a muck around with new friends and going through all the things I was put through.  Well, I stopped going to the gym because my social life seemed much more important, food became another one of my coping skills and comforts yet again because I was "going through some things". 

Just yesterday, I was invited out with a group of people I werent all too familiar with but they seemed cool.  I found myself kind of "tagging" along and standing on the out skirts of conversations, having conversation in my head.  I was HATING myself.  Look at me! Again!  I am a slob.  We are at the park, its such a beautiful day, everyones playing ball...but me.  I am posted back on the bench with my blind dog watching the festivities.  People are laughing and enjoying conversation and I'm having conversation with myself in my hed about how much I'm hating this and hating myself. ugh!

Now, where do I began? What can I do? I know I ultimately know the answers to this, but its the physical just of getting back on track.  I need a friend.  Not just a friend because I have a million of them.  I NEED another bariatric friend. Someone I can relate to.   I get upset when people who remembered me having surgery ask me that doubtful, "uhhh, didn't you have that fat surgery?" like as if they're like.. LIKE WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPENED... YOUR STILL FAT!!!

Whatever, your not making it any easier.

I kind of remember when I was going through all of this in the first place, I had fears of losing all the weight, I had fears of becoming attractive, social, questioned, talked about.  Guess what?  It got the best of me, now I'm back where I started.  In my own comfort of being a hermit. Retracting myself from being social. And yesterday was a HUGE reminder of why I stayed out of the limelight, away from people, away from public in THE DAY TIME, because it heavily reminded me how FAT(but really I'm refering to how UNFIT) and out of place I am. 

So I guess I'm starting on my "AA" self awareness and 6 step program.
-Denial and Isolation
-Anger
-Bargaining
-Depression
-Acceptance
-Recovery
BUT, my 6 steps are:
-Find motivation
-Have correct mind set
-Progress
-Continuous positive state of mind
-Retaining help when needed
-Working on my fears
AND HOPEFULLY REACHING MY GOAL!

So, overall.  I'm fat, I know this. I'm back, thats great. Can I become accomplished, I'm hoping. 
Now what to do. I should probably stop letting my fingers do all the talking and let my legs do some walking...



Quona