It's about time! on March 29, 2007 12:03 pm
I know, I know... I've been told (and reminded) that I really need to update my profile. I waited and waited because I thought I would go back and try to "fill-in-the-blanks" but I have decided that it would be to hard to hit the highlights. It's been a big year.
So I will just start from where I am, maybe reflect a little on the finer points of my first year out... but we'll see how that works out. Okay? Okay.
Where am I right now?
I am doing well emotionally & physically... for the most part. Official weight loss... at 14 months out is 292/269/207/160
I am happy with where I am but disappointed with how much work I have had to do to get this far, how much work I have had to do to hold onto my loss, and that it seems like no matter how much work I do, I cannot lose anymore.
Why am I happy? Because I am healthy. I am still, and will always be, considered diabetic, but I am far from needing to be medicated for it. My high blood pressure is gone... with the exception of a few stress/work related issues. I can move without being overly tired. Heck, I take a 45-60 minute cardio class 2-3 days a week and yes, I get out of breath and sweat up a storm, but I walk out of that class feeling wonderful. I love it. And I workout right beside the little 125-pound-princess... and she's sweating just as much as I am... It's a great place to be... considering where I was.
Emotionally? My girlfriends from the Vegas surgiversary trip know all too well... I'm in love... Well, I haven't decided if it's love, yet, but I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man that I adore.
We met online, so that took care of the "first impression" worries. But a lifetime of self-esteem issues caused me to struggle with what he would think when he met me.
It was a dream... and I learned a few things the first time we met. When you are ready for a real-adult-honest-caring relationship... you will be prepared to drop your guard, and just be comfortable. I learned to accept myself as I am, and he made it so much easier than I thought it would be. I also learned that it was easy to accept imperfections, it makes people who they are, and its just not that important. The feelings that I have for him are so much greater than any physical trait. He looked right through my lumps and bumps and stretch marks and scars... He knew about them, he knows why they are there, and it didn't matter.
I had heard about men like him being out there, but never dreamed I'd find one... my biggest obstacle now is to hold onto him. It has not been bliss, but a wonderful learning experience. An experience that, 80+ pounds ago, I wouldn't have even let myself feel. The wall around me was at least as thick as I was and I didn't trust anyone. I'm still trying to take it down, and it is getting easier but there is still work to be done...
Weight loss? It has been a really big struggle. I have been hovering around the same 6-8 pounds since late October. If you want to see a person whose frustrated... just look at my picture. I made it through the holidays nearly unscathed... hitting my lowest weight about a week before Christmas. However, in December I began getting the depo shot, which I was warned could cause weight gain... I believe that's been some of the reasoning for being perpetually stuck. In February I began working out again, after taking most of the winter off. There was some initial weight gain as my muscles swelled a little from having to do some actual exercise. But now, continuing the workouts and continuing to watch what I eat... I have expected to see the numbers on the scale moving again... but it hasn't happened. Most of the February gain is gone, but I am still bouncing around between 209-214...
I think the next step is to put the scale away. Allow myself to weigh in once per week, and try it that way. Stop worrying about the number so much and focus on the method... It sounds good, but I am not sure I am capable.
So there you go...
That is where I am - 1 year, 2 months, 19 days after my surgery.
I will try to update this blog more often...
I will try.
Much love,
A
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