Six months out and the  changes are amazing. So many, here’s my list:

1.       I  now feel like a regular old fat person

2.       I’m sometimes not the biggest person in the room

3.       I can shop at department stores

4.       I like the way I look in dresses and skirts

5.       I can move

6.       I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in

7.       No prescription meds

8.       I can cross my legs

9.       I can move my car seat forward and still be comfortable

10.   The seatbelt no longer strangles me

11.   I’m wearing a size 22/24 (never ever have I seen those numbers)

12.   I’m within 5 pounds of my lowest adult weight

13.   I have more confidence

14.   I have the courage to tackle some of my issues

15.   I can make it through an entire spin class

16.   I actually took a spin class

17.   I can flex my bicep and actually see some movement

18.   I fit into life

19.   Weight limits on furniture are passing thoughts instead of an anxiety causing obsession

20.   I can borrow clothes from my friends (first time ever)

21.   I know I will be successful and I can picture myself at my goal

22.   No seat belt extender needed on a plane

23.   My towels fit all the way around me

24.   I can see my collarbones

25.   I ran!

26.   My office chair no longer creaks nor drops a few inches when I sit in it

27.   No joint pain upon waking

28.   My friend asked me if I wanted to do a 5k with her

29.   I can wear clothes because I like them and not just because they fit

30.   I feel good!

There’s more but that’s all I can think of for now.

Happy New Year! I am so excited for 2009, more excited than I’ve been these last few years. The funny thing is I felt this excitement and anticipation at the end of 2007.  I guess I just had a feeling that big changes were coming, and come they did.  I am 100 pounds down as of 12/31/08 , I’ve cut off all my hair and I am choosing to end a relationship.

1.      1.  100 pounds down. I don’t know that I can even put into words what that means. I didn’t completely hate myself when I weighed over 400 pounds, but I hated how hard my life was. I hated that I couldn’t move without pain, I hated that I didn’t “fit”.  I hated that I didn’t have energy and that I felt like life was passing me by. Some parts of life are still passing me by and that’s okay for now (all things in their own time), but I get up from bed and there’s no pain. I don’t stumble to the bathroom, happy that I will be sitting in a few seconds. I can get up from the floor easier and I have more energy for my kids at work.  I still don’t know if I fit everywhere, but I feel like I do. I feel like a normal fat person, a regular old big girl. Having been super morbidly obese, at times I felt like a freak show.

2.     2.   My hair. I’ve had my locs (dread locks) for 8 ½ years. I (well my friend helped me) cut them all off two days ago. It shouldn’t seem like a big deal, but it is. For some reason, my eyes are welling up now as I type this. I haven’t cried about my hair and I didn’t intend to. It’s hair, it grows back. But the things I’ve experienced with that hair are what I think I’m shedding tears for. When I  started them, I was a very insecure kid of 22.  I had graduated college the year before and was living this “grown up” life.  This hair saw me through a very painful confrontation with my Dad, discovering myself as a sexual person, having my heart broken and surviving one of my worst bouts of depression.  It also saw me through some amazing times. Moving from PA to FL and then later moving to CA, meeting two of my very best friends and being the first person in my family to graduate with a Master’s degree. My locs held these memories and maybe it’s just symbolic, but cutting them really feels like I’m letting a lot of these go.  And surprisingly, it really does feel like a part of me is gone (not really gone though, just sitting in a bag on my dresser).

3.     3.  Ending a relationship. I’ve been seeing a guy off and on for the past two years. There’s been a few times that I’ve tried to end the relationship and divest myself of him. He’s not a bad person, in fact he’s a sweetheart who can be very lovable. We’re just not right for each other. He wants children, I don’t. He’s content staying home, I want to go out.  He is content being comfortable and doing the same thing, I want to explore all aspects of myself. We’ve been each other’s weapon against loneliness which is not what I want from a romantic relationship. So I think it’s finally done. I didn’t want to hurt him or be hurt. I’ve prayed and hoped that it would end in a way that wasn’t too painful for either one us. I miss him already, but I’m going to leave that door shut and look for the next one that might be open.

So goodbye 2008, goodbye to some painful memories and hello to some new great ones. My hopes for this year are to continue to develop meaningful friendships, make exercise an everyday part of my life and to lose 150 lbs. Wish me luck everyone and send some good vibes my way if you can.

Peace and Love

Okay, so I’m 10 weeks out today and I’m feeling really good.

Its funny my written blogs tend to voice more of my negative feelings whereas my vlogs tend to show a happier less frustrated me. I’m not sure what that’s about. I will say I was feeling upset and unsettled about a week ago. It seemed like out of nowhere I started having really negative thoughts and started doing a lot of negative self talk. I was wishing people ill if they cut me off and started thinking negatively about myself. That is completely not the way I normally am and it threw me for a loop. I was thinking maybe I’m not this happy person I thought I was. Maybe I am really a bitter, mean bitch who’s been deceiving herself into believing that she’s nice and kind. It really was stressing me out. When I finally verbalized all this in a video that I didn’t post, I realized what was going on.  I really think it was just a lack of patience with myself and others. And also all of these hormones running through my body making me feel like a moody teenager.

I’ve been thinking about romantic relationships a lot. I saw an update online of a guy I dated and he is now re-married with an adorable 6 month old son.  Part of me was like , “Thank God, I dodged that bullet.”  Another part was just really sad that none of my romantic goals have come to fruition. I’m still at the same place I was two years ago when I dated him.  Is it because I’m fat? Maybe. But I see (online  at least) all of these supposedly happily married fat women. Do they actually exist? Maybe its just me. Maybe I’m just not a person someone wants to spend forever with or maybe I just haven’t run across the person I want to spend forever with. Whatever it is part of me feels like I need to get really used to being alone, because, if I’m like the women in my family, that’s the way I’ll end up.  

But weight wise I’m feeling good and I’m down almost 100 pounds (97 to be exact). Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m watching paint dry, but I know I’ll get to my goal  and that’s super exciting.

One thing I’ve learned on this journey so far is that people seem to be really uncomfortable when you’re not eating and they are.   I’ve been going out to restaurants since a few days after surgery.  Most of the time, I can find something appropriate, but occasionally I can’t.  And I realize people are truly disturbed by this.  Are they being nice?  Do they feel bad about what they are eating? I don’t quite get it.  Maybe it’s because I have food allergies and have been around people eating food that I know I can’t.   I’m allergic to shellfish and I’m beginning to view certain foods in much the same way that I view lobster, crab and shrimp. Being around people eating shellfish doesn’t bother me.  I could have some if I really wanted, but I’d get extremely sick and possibly die depending on how much I had. I don’t know for sure that I will get sick on a lot of the foods I now avoid, but much like the amazing lobster bisque, that everyone pities me for not being able to try, I going to pass and err on the side of caution. So I went out to eat with a friend and told him about my surgery. He seemed minimally interested, but did ask me what I could eat.  He’s the type of person who truly enjoys food, a foodie. Part of me felt like I was raining on his parade.  He refused to get an ice cream cone or popcorn when I said I couldn’t have any. Maybe it’s the polite thing to do, but it really annoyed me. Have whatever you want, I’m the one that had this surgery. For the rest of my life, I’m going to have to deal with people eating all types of food that I may or may not be able to have and I’m okay with that.

Little known fact, emotions don’t go away with the surgery (maybe its not so little known).  I had a horrible day Monday, it felt like PMS times 10.  Life was horrible, every wrong and sad thing that ever happened to me was further proof of how terrible life was. I was driving and crying (bad combo) and doing my best to bring myself out of my funk.  I don’t even know what caused it. I had been happy, content and excited the whole week prior to that. I got out of my funk by going shopping (I’m not sure that that’s a transfer addiction I can afford). I’ve heard several people at various support groups talk about estrogen and fat and how this process of losing weight quickly is especially emotional due to the hormones.  I can take being emotional, it’s a part of a life, but this is different.  It came out nowhere and spiraled so quickly into a weird depression that I had a really hard time bringing myself out of.  But all the while I was feeling this way, I was telling myself that this is weird and I never feel this badly this quickly. I basically tried to rationalize the whole thing and that didn’t really even help.  While it was happening, I was feeling so snacky and was very aware that I could not eat these feelings away. I’m hoping I’ll be able to predict the next one or at least be able to work through it quicker. If not, then I need to get my wallet ready because I will be shopping.