Okay, so I’m 10 weeks out today and I’m feeling really good.

Its funny my written blogs tend to voice more of my negative feelings whereas my vlogs tend to show a happier less frustrated me. I’m not sure what that’s about. I will say I was feeling upset and unsettled about a week ago. It seemed like out of nowhere I started having really negative thoughts and started doing a lot of negative self talk. I was wishing people ill if they cut me off and started thinking negatively about myself. That is completely not the way I normally am and it threw me for a loop. I was thinking maybe I’m not this happy person I thought I was. Maybe I am really a bitter, mean bitch who’s been deceiving herself into believing that she’s nice and kind. It really was stressing me out. When I finally verbalized all this in a video that I didn’t post, I realized what was going on.  I really think it was just a lack of patience with myself and others. And also all of these hormones running through my body making me feel like a moody teenager.

I’ve been thinking about romantic relationships a lot. I saw an update online of a guy I dated and he is now re-married with an adorable 6 month old son.  Part of me was like , “Thank God, I dodged that bullet.”  Another part was just really sad that none of my romantic goals have come to fruition. I’m still at the same place I was two years ago when I dated him.  Is it because I’m fat? Maybe. But I see (online  at least) all of these supposedly happily married fat women. Do they actually exist? Maybe its just me. Maybe I’m just not a person someone wants to spend forever with or maybe I just haven’t run across the person I want to spend forever with. Whatever it is part of me feels like I need to get really used to being alone, because, if I’m like the women in my family, that’s the way I’ll end up.  

But weight wise I’m feeling good and I’m down almost 100 pounds (97 to be exact). Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m watching paint dry, but I know I’ll get to my goal  and that’s super exciting.

One thing I’ve learned on this journey so far is that people seem to be really uncomfortable when you’re not eating and they are.   I’ve been going out to restaurants since a few days after surgery.  Most of the time, I can find something appropriate, but occasionally I can’t.  And I realize people are truly disturbed by this.  Are they being nice?  Do they feel bad about what they are eating? I don’t quite get it.  Maybe it’s because I have food allergies and have been around people eating food that I know I can’t.   I’m allergic to shellfish and I’m beginning to view certain foods in much the same way that I view lobster, crab and shrimp. Being around people eating shellfish doesn’t bother me.  I could have some if I really wanted, but I’d get extremely sick and possibly die depending on how much I had. I don’t know for sure that I will get sick on a lot of the foods I now avoid, but much like the amazing lobster bisque, that everyone pities me for not being able to try, I going to pass and err on the side of caution. So I went out to eat with a friend and told him about my surgery. He seemed minimally interested, but did ask me what I could eat.  He’s the type of person who truly enjoys food, a foodie. Part of me felt like I was raining on his parade.  He refused to get an ice cream cone or popcorn when I said I couldn’t have any. Maybe it’s the polite thing to do, but it really annoyed me. Have whatever you want, I’m the one that had this surgery. For the rest of my life, I’m going to have to deal with people eating all types of food that I may or may not be able to have and I’m okay with that.