So I've been the same weight for the past 5 days.  Intellectually I am able to understand the whole body catching up, starvation things, but it stilll messes with my head.  I know this is normal and from the posts I've found here and videos I've seen on youtube I know it can really mess with your head.  I'm not having buyer's remorse, but I'm not even three weeks post op and I'm eating about 500 calories a day.  How is it possible to maintain 346 pounds on 500 calories? I know, I know, its the magic of the body holding onto everything. Its still sucks.  I'm going to up my water intake because I need to and start being more active.  I don't really think that will help, it kind of feels like when the stars align and my body is ready, then it will lose this weight.  And you know what else is kind of pissing me off.  A doctor at my program said that stallls were people eating too many calories. Ummm how long have you been in bariatrics.  My program is very rigid, which works for me on some levels, but me not losing weight for the past 5 days has nothing to do with eating too many calories.  I can't even wrap my brain around eating 2000 calories, let alone probably the 3000 it would take to maintain this weight. Deep breath and keep plugging away, my body will catch up :)

Someone posed this question to me in an email. Here is the question and my response.

One more........... does it feel kinda anti-climatic??? I mean, you have WORKED so hard to get to this point.......... and then, boom, you have the surgery, and whammo............. nothing............ you are on your own......... no more hoops to jump, no more worries about getting denied.......... its just you and your pouch.. and what you two can do together....... How does that feel? You aren't dependant on the surgeons office, or your GPs office, or the therapists office, or the dietitions office...... How does that feel????? Scary....... relief....... a "what now" feeling???

-         It doesn’t feel anti-climatic, it feels like I can finally breath again.  It feels like I’ve been holding my breath through the whole process and now I can exhale, because its done and no one can take it away from me.  No one will say my surgery is cancelled because I gained a pound, no one will say I’m not psychologically ready for this. No more hoops to jump through.  Its me and my pouch and we’re both learning to live with each other. It feels awesome not to be dependent on these random people for my future. It feels great. There’s no “what now” feeling, it’s just excitement at all the changes to come. I’m not feeling any post-surgery depression or anything like that, I’m really just happy, feeling good and looking forward to the next months, years, decades.

So there are a few things I want to write about. 1. My experience at the office yesterday. 2. Things I never want to forget about being 400 lbs. 3. General thoughts.

1.       So I was in the office yesterday and saw K.  She wasn’t quite acting like herself and I asked how she was doing, but didn’t really probe.  My guess was that she was anxious about something at the center, maybe a meeting. I could be wrong.  Anyway I’m telling her about one of my kids because I really wanted to give her an update and I could tell she was listening but not really engaged and I started to feel bad.  I started to feel like maybe she was upset with me or that I was boring her for some reason. Then I started thinking she must be upset at something else and my anxiety started to go up.  I did tell myself that it probably had nothing to do with me.  But I wanted to eat so badly after that.  I could not stop thinking of food and part of me was like I need to get out of here. That’s so crazy when I read and type this.  That triggered a need to eat/binge. I am just realizing how all pervasive this eating-emotion thing is in my life.  Then I went to the fridge to see if my fake chicken nuggets were there and they were.  I was about to pig out, but I don’t want to end my fast like this.  I’m better than this eating disorder, I know this. I know this, I know this.  The master cleanse has been a blessing in disguise. No more worrying about food, calories, protein, weights. Its been wonderful and I think its given me some perspective I would not have been able to get otherwise.  BED is me, its such a part of me that I don’t realize much of my eating is fueled by emotion. How do I avoid emotions, How do I avoid the office, how do I avoid other feelings when I work with people? I think I’m so sensitive to how other people are feeling that I start to feel the same emotion. Its like osmosis  or a slightly damp sponge absorbing more water.  I can’t do that anymore. I won’t.  I started to feel insecure when I left L’s house yesterday.  What if I’m not good enough?  Am I not doing anything for this child?  They are probably comparing me to MB.  I stopped those thoughts and started thinking, I’m doing the best that I can do. And right now that’s the best for her.

2.       There are some things I never want to forget about being so fat.  I never want to be that thin person who looks down on a fat person because I’m not there anymore.  It was hard and it still is.

a.       Plantar fasciitis – waking up, barely being able to walk, making sure I stretch my foot before I get out of bed, making sure I had shoes at the side of my bed for when I wake up, not being able to walk barefoot, not being able to wear flip-flops

b.      Pain when I stood up- having to play off not being able to walk right away.  Pain in my hip, having to kind of stretch it out or sway when I got up so no one would see me limp for the first few steps. Pretending to get something on my desk after I stood up or pretending to stretch so my hips legs could get used to the weight again. I never ever want to forget that.  I’m never going back, but it was such a part of my life. Such a sad part.

c.       Asking for a seatbelt extender- I was okay doing this, because I had to do what I had to do, but it was a pain in the ass. Feeling like people were checking out the fat girl who couldn’t fit.

d.      The look of disgust on men’s faces. God that still sort of burns when I think of it. It was the moment a guy thought about having sex with me or something that was inappropriate.  I could see it. R and M and probably countless others.  I may see it again because I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

e.      The struggle to find cute clothing at a size 32, 34.

f.        Making myself uncomfortable so others could be comfortable.

3.       This is work. For the rest of my life this will be conscious work, it may get easier or harder after the surgery, but it will be work to stay healthy.  But then again its work for J and S too.

I was about to break the fast with whatever food I had around yesterday. I was feeling what I thought was true hunger, but I think I was just really stressed that I may not be able to see the CM on Monday. There are some tests I need to complete that I was either completely unaware of or completely forgot.  I was trying to let go and let god and at the time I had no idea why I wanted to eat so badly.  One of the things that stopped me was that I really wanted to do this fast for 10 days and that it was after 10pm and I really do not want to get into the habit of late night snacking. God this monster ( the binge eating monster) seems like a huge beast to tackle.  I think I’m just starting to realize how much work this actually is. I can’t just get this surgery and think that everything will be okay.  This is real work, like for real, real work. Maybe that’s why I didn’t have my appt last month. Maybe I wasn’t ready to face how hard this is truly going to be. I’m always wanting someone else to fix my problems, but this time it will really be all me. I have to be ready for the ugly, the hurt, the loneliness, frustration, sadness, all of that. That’s what I have to be willing to experience to get through this. I’m reading Eating in the light of the moon.  One of my new strategies will be to read a chapter before I allow myself to binge or to eat something I know I’m not really wanting.  

copied from my LiveJournal

Okay, so today was my first appointment with the bariatric program at Kaiser Richmond.  I was excited to go, I was looking forward to all they had to say.  During the meeting I began to feel a little anxious.  The changes they want you to make are no joke.  Only 3 meals a day for the rest of your life.  No alcohol.  No chewing gum, no rice/bread.  Eat lots of protein.  I felt so unsettled when I left there.  Part of me was like this is ridiculous.  There has to be an easier/better way.  Do I really need to make these drastic changes to my diet for the rest of my life.  only drinking a swallow of water every five minutes for the rest of my life.  No more snacks.  God I'm not even sure of the other stuff they said, I just know I felt this huge band of resistance building as I sat there.  I was perhaps the biggest person in there.  I don't know.  I know I will be thin.  I know it will be something I will maintain for the rest of my life.  I know I'll put on those size 8 jeans and be like oh my god.  I know this is the during times, not quite the before times and not quite the after.

I got home and really started to think about how I was feeling.  I was not feeling good.  I saw Zora at blockbuster with Xander and I just didn't feel like talking.  Part of me felt bad because I was getting movies to go home and watch them alone, while she was going to be with her boyfriend.  I felt bad for feeling like that too.  I really am happy for her, almost to the point of tears.  I know this is something she's wanted and I am so happy that something she's wished for is finally here.  I'm not jealous, I'm not angry, I'm just happy and excited for her.  I wish her and Xander years of happiness. But at that moment I kind of felt like where's my boyfriend, how sad of me to be renting movies to sit at home alone and watch, but it really isn't sad.  Its actually pretty wonderful.  I have the resources to rent a movie, I have the resources to watch a movie.  I have the luxury of having time and space to think and be with my thoughts and myself. 

And that time has helped me to process what and how I was feeling.  I listened to Abrahams (Esther) Rampage of Invincibility and it all felt so right.  Me losing weight will take a lifelong commitment and big change.  Maybe lapband is it, maybe it isn't.  All I know is that it felt right, it felt good when I decided to give it a shot.  It felt right.  I didn't feel the anxiousness that I felt at the meeting.  I felt like 'okay, this is what I have to do'.  So I'm going to do what Abraham says and go with the stream.  I am on my boat/raft/yacht flowing with my current as it leads me to the life I am/have created for myself.  So, yeah I'm going to do this.  It feels right, it feels good, I feel excited.  I can't wait to see where this particular journey takes me.  I have a feeling its going to be a hell of a ride and an unimaginably fantastic destination.  So wish me luck.  Universe, help me to trust and to resist the tempataion to start paddling upstream.  Help me to Let Go and Let God.