to be healthy and be as happy with my outside as i am with my inside

 Twenty years ago I was once 120 pounds and size 8.  It's hard to believe that I wasn't happy with my appearance. I was one of those people that could eat anything and not gain a pound. I look at pictures and can't believe it's me.  "What happened?" you may ask.  I had a baby.  I only gained 27 pounds with the pregnancy, which I thought was great.  But I've been gaining pounds ever since.  My beautiful baby boy will be 19 this summer so maybe I shouldn't call it my "baby weight." But I do.  I am now 260 pounds and size 26-28.  (5'5") 45 years old and my BMI is 43. I have type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, sore joints, difficulty breathing just crossing the room, acid reflux, and depression. 
  Last year my mother developed a brain tumor and had a minor stroke.  This is a woman who's done everything right when it comes to food.  At 70 she has never had an over weight day in her life. She eats the right food in the right amount. She gets rest and excerise. I couldn't believe this happened to her when I was the walking time bomb. Through that ordeal I lost 20 pounds. I joked with my mother that at least something good came out of her condition.  (Yes, I have a warped sence of humor - my Mom laughed.)  But as she's recovered the weight returned. But Mom is back to work and living alone again.  I am so grateful and thank God she's still here.
 But by keeping track of all her appointments, charting her recovery, managing her medication, and doing so much research on therepy and treatments - it made me wonder why I couldn't do the same for myself.  Mom's tumor/stroke was out of her control. My condition isn't.
 My darling husband loves my curves and doesn't want me to change.  But he see's the distress I'm in when I walk. He knows how uncomfortable I am in front of people. He holds my hand when I cry  because I barely fit into a booth at our favorite resturant. He supports my decision because he worries about my health.  He's gone to seminars and support groups with me. He wants me to be happy with myself.
  So here I am.  Still gathering all the health background I can.  I got the shrink eval done and the PCP letter.  I'm waiting on a copy of my doctors file on me - that's a book and a half.  I had no idea it would take so long - and I haven't even applied to the insurance yet. I guess all this just makes me more determined.
  I don't know if I'll never be 120 again. I don't know if all the side effects from by obesity will magicly go away. But I have to believe my quality of life will improve.  130 or 140 is better than 260!  I'm scared and impatient. I want to do this now and be thinner tomorrow!  
  Thank you for letting me vent.  It's all ahead of me and this web sight helps keep things in focus.