Yesterday as I looked through my closet I found my old pair of favorite heels. They are black leather stilletto heels with a mary jane strap and of course pointy. I love those shoes, they made me feel good, powerful and in charge when I put them on. I wore them to work with slacks and skirts, I wore them on the weekends with jeans and a cute top. Gosh I want to wear those heels again so bad it hurts. I want that confidence back.

Funny thing as I was looking at my shoes I began to think about my surgery and I wondered when I would be able to wear them again and if I would possibly be thinner by the time Halloween candy was around, I wondered if I would be able to participate in the Thanksgiving feast and if I would be allowed to eat tamales by the time Christmas came around at that moment I realized that I lived by food. I no longer thought of days as days but what food would be around. Seasons where not seasons but what food do we eat and celebarations are no longer celebrations but reasons to eat. I have to change way of thinking, I have to live my days and not just eat them away. It would help if I had someone to talk to it would be nice but I don't. Only my mom and husband know about the surgery and my mom doesn't exactly know what surgery I am having. I am lonely.

Exactly one year ago I was getting ready to the lap band surgery. My last baby had just turned one a couple of months before and now celebrating her Baptism with a huge party all catered I was excited to pig out and drink for the last time in my life when a surprise pregnancy stopped me in my tracks. I remember crying, I cried because I didnt want a 5th child, because I was done with being pregnant, because I could not have surgery and start living life like a normal person. I was 250lbs then and had a huge hernia. By the 4 month mark of pregnancy I was not "happy" but I was OKAY with this baby.

The pregnancy was HARD it was the worst pregnancy ever. I never looked pregnant just obese, the baby lodged itself in my hernia so he hung off the left side of my lower abodomen making it hard to walk. He was and still is a very calm and good baby the troubles I had were because of my obesity and the incisional hernia. God loves me because my pregnancy was cut short to 35 weeks and I delivered a healthy baby boy weighing 6lbs on 1/1/11 at 1am. He had an odd shaped head due to where he was lodged but he is my miracle baby . Alexander (my warrior) is the sweetest baby I love him to pieces and after my HORRIBLE delivery (I will post more later) he is my prize. I had a tubal ligation done at my son's delivery I also gained lots of weight during my pregnancy due to the fact I could not do much activity. Life threw at me a curve ball and I must believe that there was a reason for it as I believe God doesnt make mistakes.

I am now 280lbs and I am ready to lose weight and start living life like when I was thin. Playing on the playground with my kids, being able to walk longer and just being overall healthy. My family needs me, they need me healthy. On April 18 I went in for my first appointment with a new doctor with the lap band still on my mind as my weightloss aid however after talking to the surgeon he recomended the gastric sleeve instead. He said being my BMI is 50+ and that I am not fond of throwing up (I rather have needles or pain inflicted on me than to throw up!) this was my better option.

I have begun my 6 month weight loss regimen and seriously it only makes me more hungry! lol! I should be ready for surgery in September or October God willing. I am not scared and I am happy and this wait is driving me crazy!